The heart-warming ridiculousness of FK Your Diet in south Fort Myers — JLB review

When they say FK Your Diet, they're not FK kidding.

Breakfast burritos crammed with potatoes, scrambled eggs and meat are the size of a newborn.

Burgers, for a reason I can't yet explain, are sandwiched between deep-fried buns.

Biscuits and gravy are more gravy than biscuit, a lumpy pool of the stuff drowning out whatever may have been beneath it. 

But when it's for a good cause, who's counting calories?

Doug Miller and Amy Eldridge opened FK Your Diet back in October off U.S. 41 in that area of south Lee that's not quite Estero, but not quite San Carlos Park either. They had originally planned to open off McGregor Boulevard in south Fort Myers, but when that location didn't work, the couple found an empty spot about a half-mile north of Estero Parkway. 

From October:New Lee County restaurant with edgy name aims to help foster kids, owners say

Miller, who grew up in the foster system, launched the restaurant to help children like him in the area. FK sounds salacious but it stands for foster kids, and 5 percent of the restaurant's revenue goes to organizations such as the Every Child Initiative.

Placards on each table say FK Your Diet has donated more than $10,000 in food, new shoes for 190 foster children, and a traditional Thanksgiving meal for 30 displaced kids. 

Not FK bad.

If the name wasn't enough, the ridiculousness of this place continues with the building, which is painted, inside and out, an eye-straining neon green and orange. Then there's this breakfast and lunch menu, a smorgasbord, really, of scattered comfort foods — grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Southern fried chicken, maple bacon-flavored milkshakes.

Miller's cuisine is inspired by the many meals he encountered as he bounced around foster homes in California. There's split pea soup flecked with buttery ham. Lacy, crisp-at-the-edges pancakes. That massive breakfast burrito.

I get what Miller is trying to do, but it doesn't always land.

The burrito is one pound of scrambled eggs, fried potatoes and a choice of bacon, sausage or chorizo, all tightly wrapped in a warm tortilla. I ordered mine with chorizo. My jaw dropped when I saw it. It's an absurd amount of food. More than any one person would ever need to consume.

Inside, my burrito lacked any kind of binding element. The disjointed bits came tumbling out, leaving streaks of grease that collected in an unappetizing-ly orange pool. 

FK's grown-up grilled cheese includes a choice of two cheeses and two toppings. It was all fine — the edges nicely charred, the cheese deliciously melted — until I bit into a piece of bacon that was so rock-hard it made my teeth hurt. 

When a server came back to tell me they were out of chicken for the Southern chicken sandwich (strange), I ordered the burger, which Miller delivered to my table with what he calls "Doug buns" — hamburger buns that had been deep-fried until they were zapped of all flavor.

I didn't ask for this.

The menu didn't warn me about this.

I'd have preferred my buns soft and not clotted with fryer oil. 

The woman a few tables over seemed just as surprised. I watched her deconstruct her burger with fork and fingers. She had the right idea.

No longer was this burger about the thick-cut patty, the sweetly soft grilled onions or the zesty tang of the pickles — all of those things wholly delicious. It was just about that bun, and a looming sense of dread for my poor arteries. 

Where FK Your Diet excels is with friendly service.

This is Miller's place. He wanders the dining room in cargo shorts and a ball cap, pounding fists with customers and saying warmly, "Love you guys!" as they head out the door.

The rest of his staff is young and hip, making casual small talk and getting to know the regulars, of which I've seen a lot. They seem drawn to the house-made tuna salad sandwiches, to the fluffy crispness of the blueberry pancakes, and to Miller himself.

I can appreciate FK Your Diet for what it stands for, but its food needs work. It needs more flavor and depth to make all those artery-clogging calories worth it. 

It's not bad. But it could be even FK better. 

Jean Le Boeuf is the pseudonym used by a local food lover who dines at restaurants anonymously and without warning, with meals paid for by The News-Press or Naples Daily News. Follow the critic at facebook.com/jeanleboeufswfl or @JeanLeBoeuf on Twitter and Instagram. 

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FK Your Diet

19630 S. Tamiami Trail, San Carlos Park

• Food: ★☆☆☆

• Atmosphere: ★☆☆☆

• Service: ★★☆☆

JLB's stars AREN'T like Yelp stars, here's why... 

• Price: $-$$

• Call: 239-245-8877

• Web: fkyourdiet.com

• Hours: 7 a.m.-8 p.m. Monday to Saturday; 7 a.m.-3 p.m. Sunday

• Noise level: Low

• Etc.: Wine-based cocktails; takeout available

Sample Menu

Breakfast

• Quiche, $9.50

• Country-fried steak with eggs, $11.50

• Lobster eggs Benedict, $15.50

Lunch and dinner

• Grilled peanut butter and jelly, $7

• BLT, $10

• 10 wings, $12

What the symbols mean

★ - Fair

★★ - Good

★★★ - Excellent

★★★★ - Exceptional

$ - Average entree is under $10

$$ - $10-$15

$$$ - $15-$20

$$$$ - $20-$25

$$$$$ - $25 and up