Dr. Phil Kronk: How to help your child become a well-functioning adult

From the first day that you brought your child home from the hospital, like many parents, you emotionally embraced him or her…in that sweet, ever-lasting, memory moment of time.

Soon, also, you thought about his or her future…and all your child would need to master, understand, accept, reject…each step of the way…to become a developmentally competent child…

And onward, until they became an adult.

And we knew, in our heart of hearts, that our child would do better than we did. Achieve better, love better and face life better.

Because we would be there…each step of the way.

How could we help him or her along that path? How could we lighten his or her load on life’s journey? What could we look for? What could we expect?

Could the discipline of psychology help us?

First, psychology can be of help, but only limited help, as there is so much more that goes into the raising of a child. Each family has their own natural strengths, their traditions and customs, their family rituals.

We must trust that many, perhaps, most parents intuitively know what is best for their child.

There will be the important vital influence of grandparents. I believe that religion and spiritual growth also should be an important part of family life. My religious school settings for thirteen years, and having my grandparents in my life, enriched my existence.

Eric Erickson (1902-1944) was a German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst, who despite never having earned even a bachelor’s degree, taught parents about the psychological development of their children.

Erickson believed that all of us had to go through specific life-stage challenges, which begin at different ages in our lives. Mastering a stage, helps us to move on to the next stage.

After almost five decades of working with children and adolescents, I believe that issues from earlier stages of emotional development can continue into a later stage of a person’s life.

I believe, that for most of us, we continue to work on and get better at some of these tasks, throughout our lives.

We become more adaptive. We become more… mature.

Erickson’s stages of emotional development simply tell us what we will need in order to become a developmentally competent, well-rounded adult someday.

And it all begins in childhood. Both for the child and his or her parents.

Erickson wrote of the first stage of Trust vs Mistrust. Parents need to give a child an emotionally safe, stable and consistent environment. Parents cannot do away with life’s uncertainty as their child grows older, but they can teach their child to trust others, to think of being with others as a reason for joy, and not one of danger or hurt.

The next stage of Autonomy vs Shame is a big one for parents, as it is a balancing act for them. How to provide a home environment that allows early choices and watchful exploration by their child.

Do parents offer confidence or criticism? This is where parents can become trapped in a ‘battle of wills’ with their child. This is when issues with the child’s sense of positive self-esteem can begin. Or shame and doubt about their skills.

Some will blame and demonize the child by labeling the child as being “willful,” as though exploration and choice were evil characteristics.

The next developmental stage of Initiative vs Guilt is vital for the child to learn how to make decisions and how to begin to interact with peers. It is during this stage that some parents realize that their child’s activity level may be ‘hyperactive.’

I will explore that developmental stage and the following one of Industry vs Inferiority, needed for academic achievement, in next week’s column.

Phil Kronk, M.S., Ph.D. is a child and adult clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist. Dr. Kronk writes a weekly online column for the Knoxville News Sentinel’s website, knoxnews.com. He can be reached at (865) 330-3633.