Carolyn Hax: Calm down over daughter’s relationship
Dear Carolyn: My friend Kate and I have known each other for years. After essentially growing up together, Kate’s 17-year-old son (a few months shy of 18) and my 15-year-old daughter (16 in two weeks) have suddenly become interested in each other romantically.
Kate’s son is a great young man whom I love like a nephew, and yet I am not comfortable with this pairing for a number of reasons: age, maturity levels, and potential for damage to Kate’s and my relationship. Kate, on the other hand, thinks it’s the cutest thing ever and encourages it actively. Part of why we differ is probably that the risks of irresponsible dating are greater for a girl.
What should I do? I was hoping Kate would be my ally in encouraging the kids to date other people, but no dice. — Colorado
Dear Colorado: Wait — what?
Ages 16 and 17/18 hardly present scary age or maturity-level gaps.
And, they’re dating after getting to know each other with a thoroughness almost impossible to find in the wild.
The “dating other people” that you endorse, on the other hand, would more likely lead to pairings based on looks or physical chemistry, versus knowledge of each other and compatibility, which in turn are more likely to earn the “irresponsible dating” badge. Indeed, your and Kate’s kids might proceed more carefully knowing you and Kate are close.
I’m not a big fan of “encouraging” kids’ romances or friendships “actively,” because it creates boundary problems; kids need room to figure out their relationships themselves, with gentle, backstage guidance from parents who at least try to be objective.
And I also get that a relationship between your kids could someday strain you and Kate.
But this thing is happening, like it or not — and so trying to stop it will only backfire on you, possibly hurting your friendship with Kate more than the romance itself would have, certainly damaging your relationship with your daughter, and most likely having the ironic effect of stoking this romantic fire.
He’s not much older and there’s a good chance your daughter chose him for all the reasons you’d want her to choose someone. Treat him and the romance as I hope you would any other: Give them warmth, reasonable limits and whatever leeway their behavior warrants.
As in — let go, Mama, let go.
Re: Colorado: I don’t understand how the risks of irresponsible dating are significantly different for boys than girls. Yes, the girl can get pregnant. But I would be as concerned about a young son impregnating his girlfriend as I would if I were the girl’s mother. Of all of the double standards, this one galls me the most. — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: I hear you. Often it’s the fear of the effects of the double standard … which of course helps perpetuate the double standard.
Re: Colorado: Put it this way: If you wanted to be able to vet any of your daughter’s beaux, is there anyone you’d have more info on than Kate’s son? As far as “the risks of irresponsible dating” go, is her dating Kate’s son any worse than dating a boy you don’t know? — Anonymous 2
Dear Anonymous 2: Well, the risk to her friendship is greater — but that’s Colorado’s problem, not her daughter’s.
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