After a slog of a premiere, The Bachelor got back to the basics for episode 2. No live viewing parties. No former contestants. No tributes to Chris Harrisons.
A lot went down in Week 2. A new villain emerged, conversations were interrupted and Colton kissed a lot of women. But before we get into all of that, let’s recap our bachelor’s night…
Grading Colton’s performance
First we get a self-shot message from Colton, who, of course, has no shirt on. He’s still in bed, but his beard is perfectly trimmed and I’m pretty sure he’s wearing foundation. Either that or the dude has perfect skin — a possibility I’m certainly not ruling out.
Colton tells us the plan for the first group date: He’s taking the group to a theater, where the lucky women will tell a story about “our first,” which isn’t vague at all. Colton is excited, and, frankly, that’s all that matters.
The next time we see our bachelor, he’s at the theater, where celebrity couple Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally are waiting. We’re not even two episodes in and Colton has Becca beat in the “celebrity guest” department. Last season’s guests included Wayne Newton, Lil’ Jon and the Baha Men. Ron Swanson’s got them all beat.
At the 13:25 mark of the episode, we get our first mention of Colton’s virginity. Honestly, that’s 13:20 later than I thought we’d get it. Colton is telling the story of the first time he told his teammates he was a virgin…
“So for most of my adult life, I had a secret: I was a virgin. And as an athlete, I thought I had to fit this mold. I made up lies, and I was uncomfortable speaking my truth. One day I get to the locker room, and a veteran asks me. He says, ‘How many girls have you slept with?’ So I sat there sweating. What’s a good lie? Is it one? Four? Ten? A hundred? What am I gonna do? It finally came out of my mouth and I said, ‘zero.’ And I didn’t know what the reaction was gonna be and I was expecting to get ridiculed. And the first thing that I heard was, ‘wow, man, that’s really cool.’.”
Colton brought the house down, though I feel like we’re at the point where Colton could just say anything and this group of women will applaud him. I’m like 95% sure an Austin Powers impression would have drawn a similar reaction.
Afterward, Colton kisses just about everyone on the group date. OK, so it was only Demi, Elyse and Hannah G., but it felt like he was kissing everyone. After a few heartfelt conversations, he awards the group date rose to Elyse because she showed him “a different side” of herself during the date, which is a curious thing to say about someone he’s had exactly one conversation with prior to the date. Literally any side she showed him would have been a different side of her. Whatever.
The next time we see Colton, it’s time for his first solo date, which will be with Hannah B. Expectations are high…
“This is the first one-on-one of my journey,” Colton says. “I want it to be great. I don’t want it to be good. I want it to be great.”
I’m sad to report that the date was not great. It wasn’t even good. Things started off well enough before Colton came up with the idea to do a toast, which Hannah B. did not seem excited about. After struggling to come up with anything interesting to say, she went with “Roll Tide.” Honestly, it wasn’t a bad save. It got a laugh out of Colton.
Colton tried his best to make Hannah comfortable, but it wasn’t happening. I’m thinking he should pop his shirt off. You know, just to ease the tension Here’s what he says instead…
“I just want you to be comfortable in who you are and be real. At the end of the day, I’m here focused on finding somebody I’m going to spend the rest of my life with and somebody willing to go the distance, so I just want you to know that.”
Now, I’m not a relationship expert by any means, but I feel like when the person you’re on a date with is feeling a little uncomfortable, you don’t start talking about spending the rest of your lives together. It’s a bit weird.
Here’s how Hannah responded to that…
“Yeah. Well … good.”
Welp. Should’ve just taken his shirt off.
“Do you wanna get in the hot tub?” Colton asks.
That’s our boy.
The hot tub does not solve a thing. Hannah is still an awkward mess and interrupts Colton mid-sentence to pick an eyelash from his face. She asks him to make a wish on the stray lash. If he’s thinking like I’m thinking, he’s wishing for this date to end
It doesn’t and Colton points out that Hannah seems uncomfortable. She denies it while looking super uncomfortable, and it’s at this point where Colton probably realizes he made a huge mistake taking her on the first solo date.
After a commercial break, we find out that there’s a nightcap to this never-ending date. Colton says if Hannah doesn’t open up, she’s going home. So what does Hannah do? She asks him why he’s a virgin, of course. Now we’re forced to listen to Colton explain (for the millionth time) that he was too focused on football instead of his own personal life — or whatever. Hannah deserves to go home just for bringing this up again. He should have kept the sloth.
Hannah explains how she was also planning on waiting to get married before losing her virginity but it didn’t. Apparently, that was enough to get Colton back on the Hannah B. bandwagon. She gets a rose. Maybe bringing up the virginity thing wasn’t a bad strategy, after all.
It’s time for the second group date, so we cut to Colton chopping wood for no reason in particular. We’ve got a summer camp thing going on and we find out the group will be split into two teams that will compete for the right to stay at the camp overnight. The losing team goes home. Not HOME home. But back to the mansion. The Bachelor pad, if you will.
Comedian Billy Eichner is the special guest. Why he’s slumming it on The Bachelor is anyone’s guess, but he deconstructs the entire premise of the show with one throwaway line:
“I’m glad you waited to have sex until you found someone who could successfully do a three-legged race,” he tells Colton.
The red team wins the competition, and thank god for that because I don’t recognize any of the women on the yellow team. We cut to night time and Colton spends some one-on-one time with a handful of lucky ladies. The conversation is pretty boring, to be honest, but Colton gets a couple kisses off. He kisses Katie after the two bond over being competitive. He kisses Caelynn after they bond over visiting children’s hospitals. And then he holds hands with Heather after they bond over being virgins.
(At this point, I’m pretty sure I could get Colton to try to kiss me if given some one-on-one time. Just bring up his virginity, visiting kids or being really mature for your age, and he’s ready to go. Every conversation this season has been centered around one of those topics.)
At the end of the night, Heather gets the group date rose for being open with Colton. Her reward: She gets to sleep on an uncomfortable cot like the rest of the girls. Congrats.
After another commercial break, we get a 15-second shot of Colton taking a shower. No words are spoken. It’s just Colton showering and then we cut back to the mansion where the women are preparing for the cocktail party/rose ceremony. I feel dirty having watched that.
After some cocktail party drama (more on that later) Colton hands out his roses. There are no surprises. Colton gets rid of a handful of women we really haven’t seen much of over the course of the season. So far, Colton hasn’t made any egregious choices. Other than eliminating the sloth, of course.
Grade: C+
Episode MVP
Every week, we’ll hand out this award to the cast member who provided us with the most entertainment. This week’s winner is…
Demi
ABC.com
So it turns out Catherine won’t be this season’s villain, after all. After a relatively quiet premiere, Demi emerged as the contestant everyone in the house seems to despise. Tracy is leading the charge after Demi forced herself on to Colton during the first group date before having the gall to touch the rose before he handed it out.
“Picking up the rose, it means a lot,” Tracy says of Demi’s antics. “So to even touch it is rude to everyone, and Colton, because it isn’t her place to touch that unless he gives it to her. From seeing her actions, I don’t feel the seriousness as I feel from everyone else. I feel like she’s here to date a guy and a majority of the rest of us I’ve met and talked to are here to fall in love with someone.”
Look, I know we’re supposed to hate Demi, but Tracy is taking this whole thing a little too seriously. She decided that she had to set Demi straight. Here’s what that sounded like…
“You know when you walked back over and picked up the rose and like were waving it around? That like bothered myself and like the meaning of what it stands for is a lot to everyone. And I think everyone just thinks that it’s Colton’s to give to everyone and nobody feels like they should touch it. It took us aback.”
If Tracy thought that talk would convince Demi to fall back, she was wrong. At the cocktail party, Demi hijacked Tracy’s one-on-one time with Colton…
Demi had the entire house shook, which is enough for her to earn MVP honors for this episode. I do fear that her star is burning too bright, too early. We shall see how long this villain lasts.
So who’s gonna win?
Our prediction for the winner of the season, which will be updated every week. After this week, we’re going with…
Hannah G.
ABC.com
Hannah G. did not stand out in this episode, but Colton continues to say she reminds him of home, which has to be a good thing. Her closest competitor after one week, Hannah B., did not have a good showing, so Hannah G. remains the favorite.
Stray observations
1. Colton kissed a lot of women during this episode. By my count, six women locked lips with him: Demi, Elyse, Hannah G., Hannah B., Katie and Caelynn.
2. Nicole is looking like this season’s Blake — the contestant who falls in love quickly, doesn’t realize there are dozens of other people on the show and takes every rose that doesn’t go their way as a sign that the Bachelor/Bachelorette hates them. She says she’s already ready to propose after one conversation.
And after Elyse got the group date rose, Nicole started crying. It’s gonna be all right. It’s only the second week, girl.
3. Does Onyeka have a whole bag of props packed? After the whole snorkel thing last week — which she was still talking about this week — she busted out an air horn and interrupted Sydney’s one-on-one time with Colton. Sydney responded in kind, interrupting their conversation by banging a pot loudly, which has become reality TV staple. Onyeka was unphased by her attempts, however, and Sydney just came off as desperate. This round goes to Onyeka.
4. At one point during the episode, Elyse referred to “Rock, Paper, Scissors” as “Paper, Rock, Scissors.” It turns out she’s from Alaska, which explains things. I just assume everything up there is a little weird. I wonder if the rules for this “Paper, Rock, Scissors” game are different from the one we all know and love in the continental United States. I wouldn’t be opposed. It’s never made sense that paper beats rock.
5. We’re #TeamDemi and all, but she took things a little too far with this …
“I totally think that Colton’s past relationships they weren’t very aggressive girls. They weren’t very dominant girls. And they didn’t work out for him for a reason.”
Aly Raisman, Colton’s ex, has won six Olympic medals, including three golds. You can’t just go around disrespecting an American hero like that, Demi.
6. So Colton’s virginity has been brought up a lot during the first two weeks. How many times, you may be asking. Luckily, there’s a Twitter account keeping track. We’re up to 43 mentions after two episodes, according to @VirginColton…
Quote of the Week
“I’m glad you waited to have sex until you found someone who could successfully do a three-legged race,” – Billy Eichner
