AskMen deTOX: Masculinity & Transness

Three Important Things About Masculinity That Cis Men Should Learn From Trans Men

Who do you think of when you think of masculinity? John Travolta in his motorcycle jacket? Mark Zuckerberg in his hoodie? Do you think about men in fast cars, dudes weightlifting in the gym or burly lumberjacks cutting down trees? The humanity of men is so much more interesting and varied than that. Trans men have proved this fact over and over again. In fighting for their own justice and right to be themselves, trans guys have earned a certain wisdom and clarity when it comes to masculinity -- one perspective that cisgender guys could hope to learn a lot from listening to.

Unlike the traditionally one-note aspect of cis masculinity, if you look at photos and videos of people’s transitions online, you’ll sometimes see trans guys with nail polish, dresses, and jewelry. Many trans guys don’t feel obligated to completely reject their past experiences with femininity (although some do!).

There is a certain grace in learning to accept one’s history -- whatever it was -- and, for some trans guys, learning to celebrate it, in whatever way feels good.

It’s hard not to feel like cis guys couldn’t learn a little bit from trans guys in this regard -- if they could feel more comfortable with femininity, they might enjoy themselves a little more rather than feeling hemmed in by a narrow view of what they can and can’t be. Imagine if masculinity could be bridge to humanity and openness, instead of a dead end of continual jersey shirts and beards.  

Balancing The Masculine And The Feminine

“In my transition, I initially felt immense pressure to be very, very masculine. I know that I am not alone in this, and I think that most transmasculine people would agree that they have at least felt an urge to change themselves to fit in,” said Harvey, a 25-year-old economics student and transgender man with whom I’ve been friends for several years.

“I wanted to fit in with other men, and so I changed the way that I acted. I pretended to have interest in bodybuilding because I couldn’t bring myself to be interested in sports, cars, or other traditionally masculine interests,” he admitted.

“I also tossed aside most desires or traits I had that could be seen as feminine, and so I stopped doing things like painting my nails. I also noticed that in order to fit in with many of the straight, cisgender men around me, I became meaner and more misogynist. This, of course, was not cool.”

Of course, that tossing aside will be familiar to many people who grew up socialized as boys -- being told that certain traits or activities they exhibited or were interested in pursuing simply weren’t for them. Boys can’t play with dolls, boys don’t cry, boys don’t do ballet. There are boys and men out there who want to break the Ken mold.

It’s a picture of how fragile masculinity excises any parts that don’t fit into a rigid structure of behavior and thought, but over time, Harvey has changed -- becoming more deeply connected to kind men he admires, such as male family members and the notedly anti-racist TV personality, Mr. Rogers. Today, he keeps up with nail polish and colors his hair teal.

Jim, an English transgender man and longtime internet friend, meanwhile, defines his masculinity as “queer, British, working class, nerdy, strongly rooted in my feminism and centered around being resilient enough to have a generous heart in a world that seems too harsh for such a thing to be practical.”

Like cis men, the trans men I talked to all struggled with machismo, social roles, and physical appearances. In particular, it’s tough for trans men to find male role models who embrace all aspects of self, rather than only the traditionally masculine traits of stoicism, confidence, assertiveness, and independence.

What Can Cis Men Learn About Being Gentle?

The struggle here is that embracing tears and learning to nurture others are traditionally feminine traits. Cisgender men need to learn to accept the queerness, the veritable strangeness, of being a man with a full heart. Emotional men are often coded as gay, queer, or bisexual -- which are labels that cis men often walk away from.

But there is strength in vulnerability, whether you’re straight, gay, asexual or bi. If you’re flexible and you know who you are and you’re comfortable with yourself, you’re less likely to snap when confronted -- more likely to bend than to break.

Jim shared wisdom from one of his role models: “My [friend] said once that he had no desire to be a gentleman, but that being a gentle man seemed worth pursuing. That idea stayed with me.”

V, an Asian transgender man a bit younger than me, who I’ve looked out for during his transition, said, “It’s a difficult question -- being tough, being macho. We are who we are... It’s OK for a man to cry and express his feelings. A child needs to see that. It’s OK to be human.”

In particular, V was deeply concerned about the impressions that toxic masculinity has on kids. He spends a lot of time thinking about what his future kids might experience.

“Kids are introduced [to these ideas]: This is manly, this is girly. Let’s say I have a son one day and he goes to a movie theater. Maybe he cries at a movie. I don’t want his friends to say, ‘You’re such a girl, stop crying!’ He shouldn’t be afraid.”

There’s so much to be said about the effects of masculinity on other people. What kind of impressions are men giving to others when they refuse to be emotional in front of their peers, or later, in front of their children? Do they really want to walk through life pretending to feel nothing?

A Roadmap To Redefining Manhood: Being A Person

V thinks that, in this day and age, masculine-presenting people, whether cis or trans, need to cultivate a certain gentleness.

“When you speak to people, have compassion and empathy,” he said. “Don’t be a douchebag… Be aware of your surroundings. Look around. Watch what you say to people.”

Harvey went even further, suggesting a vision of a complete re-mapping of adulthood.

“I’d like to change most of traditional masculinity. I would absolutely rip it apart and then quilt a new version back together that is full of masculine and feminine traits,” he said.

“I’d then call it ‘maturity’ or something else that indicates that someone’s gender expression does not have to dictate what traits they can and can’t have.”

These so-called gentle men have the foresight to know what is needed for the future: an empathy in one’s eyes like water coursing through a river, a compassion as forceful as a typhoon, a gentleness akin to hearthfire, and an honesty like the light of the moon. Yes, I did just paraphrase Disney’s Mulan -- trust me, it’s a transmasculine gender anthem, OK?

On that note, each man I interviewed had advice for young trans guys, too:

Harvey: “Do. You. Don’t give up things that you enjoy because they were from before your transition. It is still OK to do those things.”

V: “First, you are not alone. It’s scary at times. You may feel that you are making the wrong decision. Follow your heart. Never let someone ask you if you are sure. Ask yourself -- are you sure? It’s your life. You’re the one being courageous out there.”

Jim: “Whoever and wherever you are, guys like us need to look out for each other. Take care, little brothers.”

AskMen deTOX is an editorial series exploring different ways we can detoxify modern masculinity as we move through the 21st century. Check out the remaining articles here.

Artwork by Amanda Durepos.