NFL Power Rankings: The Broncos remain undefeated!

Way to gut out a win Denver. I’d like to touch on a few things about that game we saw on Sunday.

First: Whatever off-man coverage Joe Woods is deploying needs to stop and stop pronto. If you think Carr exposed us, just wait until Flacco. And if you think Flacco exposes us, holy hell just wait for the phenom known as Patrick Mahomes! You DO NOT want QBs to have free reign to just throw on us all day and hope that they mess up. That kind of philosophy makes playing a prevent defense look attractive. And that’s never a good thing.

Second: Demaryius Thomas needs to focus more. While I’m not in the “Trade DT” camp just yet, I am firmly in the “he’s the Devontae Booker of the wide receivers” camp until he turns it around. He is paid far too much money to look so pedestrian. Hell, pedestrian isn’t even the proper term. He’s a liability out on the field. He can no longer be counted on and trusted for anything it seems. I’m not sure if he’s not focusing or he’s hurt, but one thing is for sure: I’m sick of making excuses for anybody on this team. Perform or sit on the bench. Do not continue to rob other opportunities from other players if you don’t make the most of them.

I get it, if DT is open, why not pass to him? I understand that philosophy and agree whole heartedly. However, with how much of a liability that DT is, I’d almost rather have Keenum take off running, force a ball to Emmanuel Sanders, or go for a hail mary bomb downfield and try to draw a pass interference. I’d almost try ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to not throw the ball to DT anymore. That’s how little confidence I have with his current game.

Third: We have some serious playmakers on this team. Domata Peko is a baller against any screens and was one of the real MVP’s of the team on Sunday. Huge shout-out to him. Emmanuel Sanders, Phillip Lindsay, and our entire offensive line were all-stars. Von Miller was Von Miller, so he was other worldly even though he didn’t really show up in the stat sheet. The same for Chris Harris Jr. Dude is a freaking stud six ways to Sunday.

Now onto the rankings. Remember everybody, these are rankings about how the team is TODAY (you know, the actual reason for Power Rankings). Do you think Team X with how they are playing today could beat Team Y. It’s not rocket science Chiefs fans. I’m not sure why you struggle so mightily with this concept. But hold my hand, I’ll walk really freaking slow for you so you don’t get too lost.

1. Los Angeles Rams
To me, this is the most complete team in the NFL. Their offense puts up point and their defense is amazing. In my NFL Predictions last week, I predicted a 33-0 shutout. This prompted a few commenters to think I forgot to pick Arizona. I said “I did pick Arizona... to score zero points!” It was a good moment, but ultimately I did say 33-0 and it was 34-0. Stupid Rams. Damn you for being the best team in the NFL and scoring too many points!

2. Kansas City Chiefs
The Chiefs are a scary ass team! There’s exactly one reason they aren’t #1, and its their defense. While I have no clue what the future holds for this team, whether they fizzle out like they do every year, or whether they continue curb stomping fools, I do know that it’s a good thing they can score at will, because that’s what they’ll need to do to keep winning. But any way you slice it, this team is legit terrifying. I’m picking them to beat every team not named the Rams if they were to play them today. And FINALLY Chiefs fans, you might start to actually understand the true meaning and purpose of Power Rankings... to rank the teams as they are TODAY, not next week, not next year, not last year, but TODAY. And today, they are beating everybody but the Rams. This team is scary good. Mahomes is playing at a historic rate, and why in the hell would that change anytime soon?

3. Jacksonville Jaguars
There’s beating the Patriots, which happens from time to time, and there’s beating them like they owe you money! The Jags beat them like they owed them money! If they keep playing this way, man, the AFC is likely going to come down to the Chiefs and Jags for a bid to the Super Bowl. This team is THAT dominant right now, and their defense isn’t even humming yet.

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
I didn’t think they had another strong outing in them after they dominated the Saints in week 1. Hell, I chalked that up to the Saints defense simply being atrocious. But they just beat the pants off of the defending champs. Sure, those defending champs have been ranked pedestrian by me after week 1, and they are even worse after week 2 (again Chiefs fans, are you beginning to see that maybe I know a thing or two about a thing or two?), but I didn’t see their offensive output happening two weeks in a row. Fitzmagic is in full force. For how long you ask? I have no idea, but I know they are playing a a high high level, and I think if anyone picked anyone below them to beat them, they just might be embarrassed.

5. Minnesota Vikings
Honest to God you guys piss me off! You had one job, and that was to beat a banged up Aaron Rodgers and you couldn’t even do that right! A tie? Are you kidding me?

6. Green Bay Packers
What I find hilarious is Clay Matthews bitching and complaining about rules that were put in place to protect his QB. I mean, of course the NFL saw that and backtracked into the “not a bodyweight rule” but who are you fooling? It was the bodyweight rule. I’m so glad it bit them in the ass because soon enough, they will put flags on QBs and I’ll stop watching the NFL all together and get soooo many hours back of my life and save sooooo much money!

7. Atlanta Falcons
You narrowly lost to the Eagles on the road and beat the Panthers at home. I’m honestly not sure what to do with this team because they keep refusing to feed their best player the ball in the redzone. Its as if they’re allergic to success! I think they can be really really good, and at #7, it implies that they are, but they can be better. Feed Julio in the redzone, and maybe, just maybe you start putting teams away early and moonwalk to victory!

8. New England Patriots
The Patriots just traded for Josh Gordon. This should help make them more explosive if he remembers how to play, is in shape, and keeps his nose clean (I swear no pun intended). The Patriots are still a scary team, but have we finally begun to see the demise? I’m not sticking a fork in them. They’re never out of a game as they just proved, and they are always impeccably coached. This team still has talent and will compete in games, and a lot of the time, that’s enough to win a ton of games. I’m not freaking out about a 1-1 record, and neither should anyone else. Now if they keep slipping, well, lets see it first before we go predicting those kind of things.

9. Baltimore Ravens
Who are the Ravens? Did they beat the snot out of the Bills because they are really that good, or because the Bills are really that bad? Did they get steamrolled by the Bengals because they’re really that bad? Or was it just a divisional foe beating them and hanging on for dear life at home? Man, I don’t know, but I think they are better than the Bengals. I think they simply lost to a division foe on the road, but are overall a better team. At least that’s the narrative I’m telling myself to justify ranking them ahead of the team they just beat.

10. Cincinnati Bengals
I don’t know what to make of this team. I do know one thing though, Joe Mixon is going to be sorely missed. For that alone, I can’t in good conscious put them ahead of Baltimore. I dunno, I guess they just need to continue to win. Do that and have a few teams above you lose, and who knows, maybe you’ll start inching your way towards getting your asses handed to yourselves by KC?

11. Denver Broncos
Not a good looking game Broncos Country. Not a good looking game at all. Ok, for real, Patrick’s touchdown was a touchdown. The refs said he didn’t survive the ground. Yeah, no shit, but this isn’t 2017 bungled up catch rules. They specifically said you don’t need to survive the ground you morons! Then Sutton’s TD? Yeah, that’s a TD too. his toe flipped in the air after tapping, it didn’t slide out of bounds. Then his thigh hit. That’s a score you hair lipped nincompoop. When the NFL office even says they are both TDs, you got some issues to work through. Here’s a tip: When your boss says you’re wrong, you need to get better. That’s a free one, the next tip is gonna cost you!

12. Carolina Panthers
Cam put up some impressive numbers and they played really tough on the road. I like this team, and at #12, that means that they’d be a playoff team right now which pretty much sums up how they are playing. They still have work to do and how to utilize their weapons, but for right now, they are definitely Top ¹⁄₃ of the league. How it shakes out next week is next week’s problem.

13. Philadelphia Eagles
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Funny isn’t it? Foles poops in his helmet 2 straight weeks, but this time they lose and miracle upon miracle, Carson Wentz is suddenly healed! He must have bathed in the Healing Waters of Lourdes or something. Player safety my ass. They’ll roll him out there with duct tape on his knee just to try to get a W. Prove you look good to get out of this unlucky spot. Until then, you’re just about middle of the pack.

14. Indianapolis Colts
All I have to say is “look out AFC South. If Andrew Luck gets his groove back, that division is his!”

15. Los Angeles Chargers
Umm, congratulations on beating the laughing stock Bills? I’m not sure how much weight this victory really holds to be honest. I guess not much seeing you are #15 and just barely ahead of the Saints who haven’t impressed me yet.

16. New Orleans Saints
Dammit New Orleans. I know people down there. Do I need to send them to seek out the Magic Man to get you to play like you’re capable of playing? If your defense sucks, your offense lights it up to keep you competitive. When your defense tightens up, your offense sucks to keep you competitive. I swear, it’s like you play down to the level of your competition. That doesn’t sit well with anybody! I’m trying to plan which game(s) I come out there to attend, but you’re making it difficult to want to drop a dime on you. When I go, I don’t want to be wearing no paper bags!

17. Miami Dolphins
I’m still just not impressed with this team. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like what I’m seeing. Or I suppose more accurately, I just think that all the teams ahead of them on this list could beat them. Record be damned, and trust me, it’s damning them because they are the lowest ranked undefeated team in here. But I just don’t think they are any better than the 16 teams ahead of them. I think they lose to all of them, and quite convincingly.

18. Tennessee Titans
I was so tempted to put the Titans ahead of Miami even though the Dolphins beat them last week. But I couldn’t. Blane Gabbert alone keeps me from moving them any higher.

19. San Francisco 49ers
Well, there’s one victory. Sure it was against the sad sack Lions, but hey, you can only play the teams on your schedule, right? It looks like Jimmy Garoppolo’s contract might have been a touch premature. And I’m talking like, first time on the side of the road premature. So quick it’s embarrassing.

20. Dallas Cowboys
This game was never in doubt. From the opening drive you laid it on the Giants and made them look the way they looked last year and so far this year, which is pathetic. I’d like to see you do it again before you really start climbing the ranks though. You got the talent, now keep the momentum going.

21. Houston Texans
0-2 is hard to rank ahead of the next three teams. But the next three teams I simply think lose to the Texans right now. It’s not like they are ever out of games, they’re simply losing them which tells me there is hope to turn the ship around.

22. Washington Redskins
What a difference Adrian Peterson makes. When he looks good, his teams always look good. When he averages 1.whocares per carry, his teams look like hot garbage in the blazing sun. Look, Alex Smith is gonna Alex Smith. He’s not a game changer and he’s not built to come from behind or carry a team. That’s not his game. So until they can surround him with better talent that is on the right side of 30, I think you’ll see more losses than wins from these guys.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers
And much like I predicted, the drama they create is still carrying over on the field. Not only is their best RB (Bell) causing hurt feelings, but now their best WR (Brown) is saying that if you want to see how good he really is, you should trade him. I swear, I haven’t seen this level of drama since high school. Are you grown ass men or immature brats? You all should be ashamed, for real! Stay in the zero win column all the way to timeout. Freaking drama queen losers!

24. New York Jets
That thud back down to earth was Sam Darnold being a rookie. It’s why I had them low last week until he proved he can sustain success, which is difficult for a rookie, no matter how great you look. He has the skill, but again, rookies struggle, and their teams struggle with them.

25. Chicago Bears
The Bears appear to be much improved from last year. They took the Packers to the edge in a narrow defeat and they just pummeled the Rainy City B!tch Pigeons. Look, they aren’t a world beater just yet, but they will start scratching and clawing their way up the ranks with more impressive outings.

26. Seattle Seahawks
The Seahawks are straight up going to get Russel Wilson killed. This team still has talent, but I’m telling you, they aren’t going to win many games if they can’t give Wilson some breathing room. Right now their record isn’t as good as they are, but you know what they say... You’re only as good as your record. I know, it’s a mind twister.

27. New York Giants
How foolish do the Giants look for not taking a QB with the #2 overall pick? Eli needs to retire pronto! He’s a shell of his former self. They’ll likely have another Top 5 pick this year if they keep playing the way they’re playing. They wasted so many resources on dependent positions (WR) yet forgot that you need the QB to get them the ball. It’s why you should never ever ever pay a WR that much. They can’t catch what isn’t thrown their way!

28. Cleveland Browns
I swear this team is snake-bit. They can’t catch a break. Week 1, tie. Week 2, lead the entire way until literally 8 seconds left on the clock. They can’t win for losing. Maybe next week? Are we going to see Tyrod again or is it all aboard the Baker train? I vote for Baker. You’re losing with Taylor, what’s the worst that happens, you keep losing with Mayfield? Take the risk, the upside is worth it.

29. Oakland Raiders
Much like week 1, they gave the Broncos everything they could handle and more in the first half. Someone send Jon Gruden an kind little PSA that says that there are 2 halves to a football game. Much like against the Rams, they fizzled after the break, and they are 0-2 because of it. Keep Raidering on Silver and Black, keep Raidering on.

30. Buffalo Bills
Remember how last week I said this team was the worst in the league?

31. Detroit Lions
Remember how people always use that phrase “these aren’t your dad’s (insert team) anymore?” well, these ARE your dad’s same ol sorry ass Lions. The only thing keeping them from being the complete laughing stock joke of a team at #32 are the even more pathetic Cardinals. They’re close, but they haven’t quite scraped that extra thick and nasty layer of mystery ooze from the bottom of the barrel. Not yet.

32. Arizona Cardinals
Arizona however, has! They keep trotting out Sam freaking Bradford as if he’s ever done anything in his entire career. Look, you have a promising rookie QB and a worthless never-been at QB. I swear, only Arizona (ok, and Cleveland... ok, and Buffalo... and the Giants and Lions and Raiders oh my) could mess this up. Give up the notion that Sam Bradford is any better than Paxton Lynch and start Rosen already. At least give those ticket holders a reason to spend their money on gameday tickets instead of at the local liquor store to drink the shame away.