NFL Week 9: Mike Tanier's Game Previews and Score Predictions

This week's Game Previews celebrate the greatest year in our nation's history: 1976.

Actually, 1976 was a terrible year. The economy was awful. There were gasoline shortages. America was still reeling from the Vietnam War and Watergate. If you don't like your political options now, imagine "peanut farmer versus former Michigan center." Disco was about to break big.

But 1976 was a vintage year for football. The Rams and Vikings faced off in the NFC Championship Game, while the Raiders and Steelers clashed in the AFC Championship Game. These were storied teams: Steel Curtains, Purple People Eaters, vicious defenses, some innovative offenses. The Raiders went on to beat the Vikings in Super Bowl XI, cementing a status as the baddest bad boys of professional sports that would calcify into a silly Halloween over the decades.

Meanwhile, Saints quarterback Archie Manning and his wife Olivia welcomed their second son into the world in March of 1976, naming him Peyton Williams Manning.

Nearly 40 years later, the Rams face the Vikings in a game with both playoff implications and the likelihood of some fearsome defense. The Raiders and Steelers are also battling for playoff positioning for the first time in ages. And Manning has embarked on an autumn journey of self-discovery against a series of old friends and rivals.

Before we get to the 1970s nostalgia, however, we have some 2015 business to tend to: The Packers and Panthers are dueling for the inside track for home-field playoff advantage, and the Cowboys and Eagles are trying to avoid any more monkey shines.

These previews are presented in the order that you should read them in. All times Eastern.

It's been nothing but monkey business for the Cowboys since they beat the Eagles in Week 2.

Yes, we are once again talking about Dallas Bryant, the impish little chimp who just cannot stay out of the news. PETA has been giving Dez Bryant the Richard Sherman press-coverage treatment since Dez introduced Dallas to the Internet, bombarding the police department in DeSoto, Texas, (where Bryant lives) to issue a search warrant, bench warrant, SWAT team or whatever else busy police departments might have time to do to chase down a millionaire resident harboring a tiny exotic pet for purposes of…snuggling.

According to Robert Wilonsky's Rudyard Kipling-worthy primate opus in the Dallas Morning News, PETA claimed that it "already secured space at an accredited primate sanctuary that stands ready to take in Dallas, who would be introduced to an adult female capuchin who could act as a surrogate mother figure." Female capuchin who could act as a surrogate mother sounds like the worst-ever Match.com profile. DeSoto police say they have no evidence that Dallas is in DeSoto with Dez. Heck, they could be cross-country trucking and Instagramming together like B.J. and the Bear.

Jerry Jones is of course too dignified and professional to let his weekly press conference descend into Dez-related monkey shines. Kidding!

Speaking on 105.3 The Fan's Shan & RJ show, Jones said (via the Dallas Morning News):

You know, the monkey thing is pretty humorous. I am a monkey fan. I can stand in a zoo and look at them all day long and die laughing.

My dad was in the wild animal business and had over 5,000 wild animals. … One of the biggest issues with that one is that one time this monkey jumped up on the roof of a car. You drove through about nine miles and you drove through monkeys and drove through a lot of other things. No predators loose, but the monkeys, people had their windows down on both sides. The monkey hit the driver's side, went through the car and on his way by a little girl, pulled a bunch of hair out. And of course that was quite a big issue.

I've loved the experience around monkeys.

We could spend the rest of our lives unpacking that quote and thanking heaven that Jones' father never got his hands on any dinosaur DNA. Jones' father's "wild animal business" was not a safari experience where billionaires could catch and cook nearly extinct species, and shame on you for thinking that it was. It's Wild Animal Safari, formerly Exotic Animal Paradise, a lovely place in Missouri by all accounts.

In summary, Jones has wild animal experts on his family contact lists, and Bryant has a wild animal bestie who probably doesn't belong in suburban Dallas, but Jones isn't doing anything to help Bryant stave off PETA or do what's best for widdle Dallas. That's Dallas Cowboys problem-solving in a nutshell.

"Remember when we used to talk about going to the Super Bowl? That was fun," deadpanned Wilonsky.

In actual football news, Dallas released Joseph Randle, so there will be no Meat on the Bone Bowl II. Chip Kelly resisted the urge to trade next year's draft class to the 49ers for Colin Kaepernick, so the Eagles will continue to live or die on Sam Bradford's 60-70 percent understanding of, comfort with and suitability for Kelly's offense.

The Eagles at their best (the Saints and Giants games) should trounce the Cowboys based on their defense alone. The Eagles at their worst already lost to this movable feast. There's no telling which Eagles team will show up Sunday, but when in doubt, always pick the team whose chief decision-maker did not utter the words "I am a monkey fan" in a midweek press conference.

Prediction: Eagles 31, Cowboys 21

If you are looking for big plays, look elsewhere. The Packers and Panthers move the ball downfield one first down at a time.

The Packers rank 21st in the NFL with just 23 pass plays of 20-plus yards. The Panthers rank 24th with 22. Each team has just three rushing plays of 20-plus yards. Both defenses are also stingy at allowing explosive plays: The Panthers are tied for eighth in the league in fewest 20-plus-yard passes allowed; the Packers are 11th.

The team that gains pole position in the NFC playoff race, in other words, will be the team that either breaks tendency and uncorks some long gains or plays a better brand of station-to-station football.

The Packers are more likely to look for those big plays. Aaron Rodgers still has a pair of home run threats in Randall Cobb and James Jones, plus the proven capability to drop the ball into their fingertips from 40 yards away. Rodgers just needs time to throw—and someone else to throw to if Cobb and Jones aren't open—and running backs who do more than lumber down the field four yards at a time so all the big-play pressure is not on him.

The more Rodgers is forced to matriculate down the field on eight-yard passes, the more obvious it is how limited players such as Richard Rodgers and James Starks are as regular-use offensive weapons.

Aaron Rodgers gets a break this week from a Panthers defensive line that is less likely to apply consistent pressure than the Broncos did last week. Josh Norman will probably neutralize Cobb, sending Rodgers searching for Jones or any available deep threat.

The Panthers, by contrast, are comfortable with cloud-of-dust tactics. When Cam Newton does throw downfield—his deep passes are generally more accurate than his short ones—he must hope Ted Ginn Jr. doesn't let the ball bounce off his forearms. But Newton is content to run the option, fake the option, fling passes into the flats and scramble away from danger all afternoon.

If only the Panthers had a true go-to receiver. According to Football Outsiders, the Packers rank 29th at stopping opponents' No. 1 receivers, which was clear to anyone who saw what Demaryius Thomas did last week. The Packers have also conquered their mobile quarterback neuroses with wins over the Seahawks and 49ers.

The Packers are also allowing 4.7 yards per rush. Player for player, they are probably much more talented than the Panthers. They just appear ill-suited to beat the Panthers at their own grind-it-out brand of football.

Jordy Nelson's preseason injury did not doom the Packers to a miserable season. But it relegated them to situations like this one. Instead of just using Rodgers' arm to blow the doors off all but the best opponents, the Packers face regular slugfests against quality opponents who are very good at slugging. The Packers can still rebound after a loss and could even still regain home-field advantage playoff tiebreakers down the road—but they have lost the sense of invincibility that comes with being able to fling 35-yard completions almost at will.

Prediction: Panthers 23, Packers 20

Your perception of a Rams-Vikings game probably depends on when you started watching football.

If you started watching football in the last 10 years, Rams-Vikings is a meaningless battle between an irrelevant team and a team that sometimes gets dragged into wild-card contention by its running back, usually with some boring stadium referendum news lurking in the background.

If you started watching football around the start of the millennium, Rams-Vikings is an indoor aerial circus that might end in a 49-37 final score, like the 1999 divisional playoff game. The current Rams and Vikings offenses would need a three-game series to produce that many points.

But if you started watching football in the 1970s, Rams-Vikings was an event. Often a very violent event.

The Rams and Vikings met in the playoffs in 1969, 1974, 1976, 1977 and 1978. The Vikings defensive line was called the Purple People Eaters—Alan Page, Jim Marshall, Carl Eller and Gary Larsen—and they also had Hall of Fame safety Paul Krause and a defensive coordinator named Buddy Ryan.

The Rams fielded the Fearsome Foursome (Rosey Grier, Deacon Jones, Lamar Lundy and Merlin Olsen) at the start of that run and an equally nasty defensive line (Larry Brooks, Fred Dryer, Olsen and Jack Youngblood, plus Hacksaw Reynolds at middle linebacker) at the end.

As you might gather from the presence of "people eaters" and "hacksaws," the Rams and Vikings played a lot of very important games that ended in 10-9, 13-3 and 14-7 final scores. Rams offenses of the time were generally built around the running game once "Ground" Chuck Knox took over as the head coach. The Vikings were more balanced, with an offense triggered by pint-sized improviser Fran Tarkenton or the unforgettable Joe Kapp.

That was a very long way of saying that Sunday's Rams-Vikings game will feel a lot like a 1970s Rams-Vikings game. The Vikings rank second in the NFL in fewest points allowed per game, while the Rams rank fifth. St. Louis once again has a fearsome foursome on the defensive line, even with Chris Long injured. Todd Gurley is an heir apparent to Lawrence McCutcheon and Eric Dickerson; Jeff Fisher is a latter-day Ground Chuck.

The Vikings defense swallowed the Lions offensive coaching staff two weeks ago. Teddy Bridgewater is a long way from Tarkenton—Russell Wilson is the latter-day Tarkenton—but maybe he is a Kapp: a scrappy, determined ball distributor who makes the plays that matter.

Rams-Vikings is not just physical again; it's relevant again. A future wild-card tiebreaker may be at stake Sunday. In a league with the same old names at the top of the standings and everyone else fighting for survival, the Rams and Vikings are the rising middle class, a pair of teams with lots of young talents who do things the old-fashioned way.

The Vikings got the better of the Rams in most of their old playoff meetings. The Rams will return the favor this week. They have faced a much tougher schedule so far this season; the Vikings defense, while good, looks a lot better because of the number of Lions, 49ers and banged-up Chargers they have faced.

This probably isn't the last important Rams-Vikings game we will see in the next few seasons, and it certainly won't be the last punishingly physical one.

Prediction: Rams 19, Vikings 16

One of Jack Del Rio's first acts as head coach was revamping the Raiders' strength and conditioning department. He hired a new training staff, while owner Mark Davis built a new performance facility designed to bring the Raiders into the 21st century and entice free agents with workout equipment that wasn't still stained with Jim Otto sweat.

Sure enough, the Raiders have been one of the healthiest teams in the NFL this year. Wherever you find a surprise wild-card contender, you will almost always find a very short injury list as well.

Now, if all it took to avoid injuries was a new performance center, every team would build one. All right, half the teams would build them. Actually, NFL owners are incredibly cheap and shortsighted about everything but contracts for quarterbacks and defensive tackles.

The Patriots would build one and not tell anybody about it. The Raiders don't have a magic healing fountain in the middle of their new performance facility.

The Raiders' newfound emphasis on details like strength and conditioning, however, shows that the team has gone back to its roots. Not the "we're a mix of Olympic sprinters and outlaw bikers" roots that lapsed into self-parody long ago. The Raiders rose to greatness as innovators: a first-class, cutting-edge franchise. They were the Patriots of the late 1960s through mid-1980s. Even without the biker trappings, those old Raiders would recognize these new Raiders, whose personality is becoming defined not just by their emerging offensive stars but also by Del Rio's ability to balance tough-guy talk with a willingness to adapt and improvise on the field and spur real changes off it.

The Raiders are improving and staying healthy just as the Steelers are succumbing to injuries and are in danger of becoming a Ben Roethlisberger one-man show. The Raiders are a team of the future. The Steelers have spent the season trying to prove that their best years are not behind them, but the outlook has changed almost weekly.

Just like the Vikings and Rams, the Raiders and Steelers are playing a 1970s throwback game with serious wild-card implications. If the Raiders prevail, they will finally regain their place in the NFL as a team with answers, not just a decade's worth of questions. They didn't have to reject their past to get here. They just had to choose the right parts of their past to accept.

Prediction: Raiders 27, Steelers 24

A November Middle-Aged Journey of Self Discovery (Part 1 of 4)

The old man pulled his overcoat tight around his neck to stave off the autumn chill as he tossed breadcrumbs to the pigeons in Monument Circle. Around him, the city's young and chic queued up for Korean barbecue and vegan burritos from food trucks. Food trucks! In the old man's day, food trucks were for factory workers scarfing down hot dogs. If you wanted good food downtown, you ordered the shrimp cocktail at St. Elmo's.

So much has changed…

"What brings you back to these parts?" asked the young buck who sat next to him in full hipster uniform, unkempt beard and all. He knew the kid. Their fathers had been close, long ago. This was the kid who took his job.

"I am on a November tour of middle-aged self-discovery," the old man said. "Revisiting my past. Settling old scores. What are you eating?"

The young fella had a mouth full of tomato sauce. "Chicken parm," he said. "It tastes so good."

The old man grimaced and looked away, scattering more breadcrumbs on the ground. "Keep working hard and you might earn a catchphrase of your own someday."

The young buck swallowed hard. "You've been away a long time, old man. The world has passed you by. This city is mine now. Just wait until I work through this slump."

The old man laughed hard: a throaty, knowing laugh from deep in his diaphragm. "Slump? Two bad games is a slump. You are in the middle of a complete collapse, and for all of your intelligence and talent, you are too young and inexperienced to find your way out of it."

Beneath the stylish muttonchops, the young man's face grew red. "You had some pretty wicked slumps in your first five seasons, old-timer," he said. "I read about them in history books. It wasn't until the coaching change that…"

The old man lifted a cautionary finger. "Don't expect this coordinator change to solve all your problems. It doesn't work that way. Don't blame the front office, either. Don't blame the offensive line or the defense, no matter how badly they perform. And don't let a few interceptions define you or your season. Trust me."

"Right. Last I checked, you don't have all of life's problems solved. Do you still have regrets? Old demons that you never quite conquered?"

The old man emptied his breadcrumb bag, stood and straightened his overcoat. He grinned at the youngster. "Talk to me in three weeks."

The old man began walking slowly toward Meridian Street. He no longer thought much of the day-to-day world of coordinators getting fired or quarterback controversies, a world that threatened to consume his young successor. He existed in an epochal realm of dynasties and legacies. Perhaps the youngster would reach the same level, but the old man had seen hundreds burn brightly and crash quickly since the dawn of the century.

Transcendence took more than talent and effort. It took courage, strength and, yes, a little luck.

"Hey!" the youngster shouted as the old man walked away. "Did you see me on Monday night? I led a big comeback against a great defense in the howling rain. We nearly won it, too. What did you ever do against a top opponent in conditions like those?"

The old man sighed and turned his head to answer: "I won a Super Bowl."

Prediction: Broncos 24, Colts 16

(Next week: The old man meets an old gunslinger while poring through some record books).

The NFL's blusteriest also-rans will be graded according to a Humility Index this week. If the Bills and Dolphins aspire to be more than second- and third-place finishers in the race to be runners-up to the Patriots, they must learn the true path to greatness can only be tread on your knees, or something like that.

Rex Ryan calls for rest

Ryan gave the Bills the bye week off after the loss to the Jaguars in London. He cited the long trip, the team's injury crunch and his own 1-5 post-bye record as reasons to give the guys a breather. "My record off a bye week is horrendous," Ryan said at his Monday press conference.

Copping to your own mistakes is a great sign of humility, and it takes wisdom to know when to ease your foot off the accelerator. Dan Campbell would probably have ordered the Dolphins to swim home. Humility Index: Very High

Dolphins embrace shrinkage

Adam H. Beasley of the Miami Herald wrote a fine feature this week about the Dolphins' acceptance of sports psychology. The team has contracted with Mastery Technologies, an athletic performance organization run by a former Navy Seal, for two years; if you remember what happened three years ago, you can understand what prompted the Dolphins to call upon both psychologists and Navy Seals.

It's encouraging to learn that Campbell is not handling all of the team's mental and emotional issues according to his single-minded approach. "Coach, I am feeling a little down right now." "Well, then lift some weights while listening to Master of Puppets." "Um, actually there are serious off-the-field issues affecting me and self-doubts creeping on." "In that case, make it Ride the Lightning." Humility Index: High.

Sammy Watkins discovers the Troll Kingdom

Watkins posted a photo of his family at Disney World on Instagram and then reacted badly when the Internet's best and brightest commented upon the photo with predictable tact and zeal. Watkins told the trolls to "continue working y'all little jobs." Heck, Watkins shouldn't apologize for being rude but instead for assuming that trolls who post garbage on family photos are actually employed. But Watkins did apologize, telling reporters he also regrets that he "misspelled a few things." Poor spelling on a social network shall not be tolerated. Humility Index: High.

Vanity, thy name is Matt Moore 

Backup quarterback Matt Moore had surgery last week to repair the broken nose he suffered in practice two weeks ago. Yes, a backup quarterback broke his nose in a practice. No, no one is making a big deal out of this because Campbell's tough-guy routine got results against two terrible opponents.

"He's very vain. He's a guy that he [sic] wanted plastic surgery," Campbell joked to reporters. "He's been wanting it for a while just for his own looks." Hahaha! Yeah. No one should get within 10 feet of a quarterback's nose in practice, Coach. There's no reason to call in psychologists or the military to peel back that tough-guy persona, though: The Patriots did just fine. Humility Index: Low.

There you have it. The Bills will win because of humility, as well as getting Tyrod Taylor and other important players back. Tune in next week when we determine whether they have the sincerity to handle a two-week Jets-Patriots road trip.

Prediction: Bills 23, Dolphins 17

The Redskins have not lost a game since mid-October. Kirk Cousins has not thrown an interception in two weeks, his longest stretch without an interception ever as a starter.

Yes, the Redskins are coming off a bye and a victory over a team that went 2-14 last season. They'll take whatever momentum they can get.

Cousins' "You Like That!" catchphrase caught on during the bye, making him the football equivalent of a Saturday Night Live character who starts getting on your nerves by his third appearance. He told reporters that teammates shout "You Like That" to him in the locker room; you can only imagine what's going through Robert Griffin III's mind when he does it. (Think A Clockwork Orange).

There are even Cousins “You Like That” T-shirts to hang in the closet next to those Griffin "Hope" T-shirts and burgundy Donovan McNabb jerseys. The T-shirts are being sold to raise money for charitable causes, though it's not clear how much money can be raised during the brief window before a trendy team gets pummeled by the Patriots. (I would hate to pin my fundraising hopes to Rex Ryan Puppy Biscuits or Dan Campbell Croons Metallica's Greatest Hits.)

Cousins mania is unlikely to last through the weekend, even though DeSean Jackson, Ryan Kerrigan and other important starters are expected back for the Redskins. The secondary is still in shambles; Tom Brady may only throw an incompletion in rare moments when he cannot decide between two wide-open receivers.

Of course, not even the people who buy You Like That T-shirts expect Cousins to beat the Patriots. He is graded on a different curve than most quarterbacks. Instead of being judged by wins or stats, he is compared to hypothetical performances by Griffin in similar situations. As long as he is better than the Griffin (who throws an interception on every play, scowls at coaches and hates puppies and freedom) in our minds, Cousins remains a "ready for prime time" player.

Next week: The hottest sports apparel inside the Beltway is the Kirk Cousins "Moral Victory!" T-shirt.

Prediction: Patriots 37, Redskins 20

Meet the all-new, all-different, theoretically improved Tennessee Interims!

Amy Adams Strunk is the Titans' controlling owner. That's her actual title, by the way, not some horrible label the NFL applies to female executives, like "controlling mother." Paul Kuharsky of ESPN.com quoted a source close to the Adams family (no, not Lurch) who described Strunk as "the most like her dad without his eccentricities" of Bud Adams' five potential heirs. It's hard to imagine Bud Adams without his eccentricities, so that doesn't really help.

Strunk was an executive in her family's other business concerns before replacing her sister Susie Adams Smith as controlling owner in March; Smith's husband, Tommy Smith, acted as CEO for many years. Strunk is also involved in fox hunting. Kuharsky retrieved a quote from Lt. Col. Dennis Foster from an article in the Chronicle of the Horse magazine: "Amy Adams Strunk is the Annie Oakley of Texas: She can ride like the wind, and she's fearless."

That does it. The Titans should just cancel all of their games and replace them with a Netflix series about their ownership family, as narrated by Sam Elliott, who'd play some lieutenant colonel who is also a horse whisperer. Amy Adams could play Amy Adams Strunk, though she would have to learn to ride like the wind.

Steve Underwood is the Titans' interim president and CEO. Strunk announced in July that Underwood would remain interim president and CEO through this season, which stretches the definition of “interim” a bit: If seven months of job security makes someone an interim, then we are all interims.

Underwood served as general counsel for the Oilers/Titans and other Adams family assets for decades, climbing to an executive vice president role before retiring in 2012. Strunk brought him out of retirement in March. No jokes here: Anyone who kept Bud Adams' legal secrets for four decades is not an individual to trifle with.

Ruston Webster is the Titans general manager. He is officially not an interim executive, just a guy working for a new controlling owner and interim president, with an interim coach below him, so…don't make any remodeling plans for the office there, Ruston.

Mike Mularkey is the Titans interim head coach. Mularkey was the Bills head coach for two seasons, but all coordinators who hang around the NFL long enough end up coaching the Bills for two years. Mularkey was offensive coordinator of the Steelers when Kordell Stewart led the team to a 13-3 record and then lost his starting job to Tommy Maddox the next season.

Mularkey was the Falcons offensive coordinator when they drafted Matt Ryan to replace Michael Vick. Marcus Mariota must wander through Titans headquarters asking, "Does anyone around here even like mobile quarterbacks?"

Jason Michael is the Titans interim play-caller. Michael played quarterback for Jack Harbaugh at Western Kentucky and spent a few years as an assistant quarterbacks coach for the 49ers. He rushed for 642 yards in his signature college season, leading the Hilltoppers to the I-AA championship in 2002. That means Michael probably likes mobile quarterbacks!

Luckily, Mularkey reserves the right to "interject" in the play-calling process, according to CBS Sports' Jason La Canfora, lest the Titans try too many of those read-options (they're the devil's handoffs!).

Marcus Mariota is expected to replace interim quarterback Zach Mettenberger this week and try to thrive in this well-oiled operation.

Say what you will about the Saints' organizational dysfunction: It's semi-permanent, they have learned to deal with it, and you always know who the featured players are.

Prediction: Saints 28, Titans 22

How this game will unfold...

• First Falcons drive: Devonta Freeman rushes six times for 70 yards. Matt Ryan throws a red-zone slant behind Julio Jones, and NaVorro Bowman intercepts it at the 3-yard line.

• First 49ers drive: Kendall Gaskins runs up the middle for a loss of one. Gaskins runs off the left tackle for a loss of one. Blaine Gabbert commits intentional grounding in the end zone while Erik Pears is simultaneously called for holding in the end zone. The Falcons argue unsuccessfully that the play should count as a four-point "double safety."

• Second Falcons drive: Freeman runs for 20 yards. The play is negated by a false start. Freeman runs for 25 yards. The play is negated by a holding penalty. Jones runs 77 yards on a slant, but Bowman pokes the ball away just as Jones is about to cross the plane of the goal line.

• Second 49ers drive: Pierre Thomas avoids two divots in the turf while running out of bounds after a screen pass, realizes he has been reduced to mopping up after Reggie Bush for a living and feels every tendon below his waist snap as a kind of protest from his central nervous system. Trent Baalke searches for Deuce McAllister's phone number. Meanwhile, Gabbert gives the Falcons a safety by trying to throw the ball straight backward to avoid a sack. Like this.

• Third Falcons drive: Freeman runs 12 times for 120 yards, giving the Falcons the ball at the 49ers 30-yard line after a variety of penalties. Center Mike Person bounces a shotgun snap off his own inner thigh, then off Ryan's helmet, then the side judge. Ryan only recovers the fumble because Jones runs across the field to block Bowman. Matt Bryant misses the field goal.

• Third 49ers drive: Gaskins runs up the middle for no gain. Deuce McAllister up the middle for no gain. Blaine Gabbert trips over his center's foot and fumbles. Anquan Boldin requests a trade. Baalke reminds him that the trade deadline has past. Boldin requests a time machine.

• Fourth Falcons drive: Freeman gains nine yards on first down. Ryan throws incomplete passes to Tony Moeaki and Levine Toilolo. On fourth down, Ryan does not even look at Freeman or Jones before tossing a flat pass to fullback Patrick DiMarco. Bowman stops DiMarco for no gain. Roddy White and Boldin share a knowing look before the Falcons leave the field.

• Fourth 49ers drive: No one knows, because the television broadcast switches to nothing but Colin Kaepernick sideline reaction shots.

Prediction: Falcons 24, 49ers 9

The Giants scored six offensive touchdowns against Rob Ryan's comedy improv troupe last week but still lost. They face a Buccaneers defense so tepid and predictable that it turned Kirk Cousins into a meme two weeks ago. Eli Manning, Odell Beckham Jr. and the Giants offense will run wild all afternoon, which begs the question: How can the Giants possibly screw this up?

A few predictable factors in the screwup:

• With Jason Pierre-Paul expected to play limited snaps at most, Damontre Moore decides to rise to the occasion by recording two sacks—and three roughing-the-passer penalties, one of which gets called when Jameis Winston is jogging to the sideline and Moore runs him over with a golf cart. "Gotta work on my football IQ some more, I guess," explains Moore after the game.
• After Mike Evans makes a one-handed catch over Jayron Hosley, Beckham gets jealous and tries to catch the next 10 passes with his teeth.
• Brad Wing punts several 35-yard line drives directly at returner Bobby Rainey and then tries to execute touchdown-saving tackles by running Rainey over with a golf cart.
• Tom Coughlin fails to throw challenge flags, communicate with officials or make late-game decisions in a timely manner because he is rattled by the Tampa crowd noise. And the heat. And the sunlight.

Nightmare scenarios aside, the Giants should be able to contain a rookie quarterback with one healthy receiving weapon while slicing up Lovie Smith's Cover Who defense. That will put this team with no pass rush, no punter and a gift for fourth-quarter self-destruction firmly in first place in the NFC East. Man, the NFC East is horrible.

Prediction: Giants 34, Buccaneers 24

The question for the Jets when facing the Jaguars is not Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Geno Smith. It's the age-old question of Jets vs. Jets.

Yes, the Jets may be re-Jetsing. David Harris and Muhammad Wilkerson lamented the defense's lack of hustle after New York's 34-20 loss to the Oakland Raiders. "Guys were loafing," Wilkerson said, bluntly, on WFAN radio (via NJ.com).

Meanwhile, Brandon Marshall called for compassion on the Geno front on Inside the NFL (via ESPN.com). "Can we give a kid, a young kid, a second chance?" Marshall asked. Boomer Esiason was having none of it. "Well, he's had like three different chances already, didn't he? Geno's had ample opportunities to really show that he can do it."

It's debatable whether anything that happened on the 2013-14 Jets can be described as an "ample opportunity," and try not to think about how many "chances" Ryan Fitzpatrick has had. What's not debatable is that Jets quarterback sagas remain unlike other quarterback sagas. You don't drive viewers to premium cable channels by shoveling dirt on Zach Mettenberger.

Todd Bowles will not be judged on whether or not he beats the Jaguars (he'd better), but on how he weathers the Fitz-Geno conundrum and handles the personalities within the locker room and the pressures outside it. If the Jets have really re-Jetsified, they will trounce the Jaguars and then thump their chests about having solved all of their problems while rallying a little too vocally around whichever quarterback engineers the victory. If that happens, it's almost as troubling a sign as an upset loss.

Prediction: Jets 28, Jaguars 16

What, no trades? Contenders were supposed to be popping tags like fashionistas in a thrift shop on Chargers and Bears veterans, at least according to the fake Adam Schefter and Ian Rapoport Twitter feeds we fall for every year. Eric Weddle should be in Foxborough right now, Antrel Rolle back in the swamps of Jersey.

What gives?

The Chargers aren't exactly in position to trade veterans for picks when they can't find 53 healthy athletes to suit up each week. Keenan Allen is out for the season with a lacerated kidney. Branden Oliver and special teams ace Tourek Williams joined him with foot injuries. If you can name a Chargers player besides Philip Rivers, he is either injured or just coming back from an injury.

The Chargers also gave up on Jacoby Jones, who averaged negative 0.8 yards per punt return and was somehow worse on kickoff returns. (A 21.4-yard average only sounds good until you realize how often Jones brought the ball out from around seven yards deep.) The Chargers dug deep onto their practice squad for receiver-returner Javontee Herndon to replace both Jones and Allen. So while they may have listened to offers on Weddle (who has missed two games with a groin injury), you can't put a uniform on a conditional draft pick and send it on the field.

The Bears are in a different situation. Veteran defenders Lamarr Houston, Willie Young and Alan Ball, who are earning a combined $10.35 million in base salary this season, according to OvertheCap.com, played seven, four and one snaps, respectively, in a close game last week (hat tip to Kevin Fishbain of ChicagoFootball.com for compiling the data). These are exactly the kind of pricey veterans you put outside the store on a discount rack.

Then again, the Bears already traded Jared Allen and coped with a Jeremiah Ratliff meltdown. General manager Ryan Pace may be committed to a youth movement, but there's a difference between putting veterans on clearance and hauling them out to the curb with a jar and a sign that says "Pay what you can, if you can." Going full 49ers in an effort to rebuild causes more problems than it cures, as the 49ers are in the process of proving.

So what's left of the Chargers will face the Bears' Triple-A affiliate with no Allen or Matt Forte. A trade or two might have reduced this game to a Philip Rivers-Jay Cutler staring contest or political debate. Come to think of it, either of those would probably be more compelling than this game.

Prediction: Chargers 24, Bears 23