What’s old is new again. The more things change the more they stay the same. Time is a flat circle. These are just a few of my favorite sayings about time and also about how nothing changes. Isn’t it great? Because if anything ever changed, Paris Hilton would grow out of saying bitchy things about fellow aughts-era teen-dream Lindsay Lohan, and then what would gossip rags have to work with? It’d be all beauty YouTube drama and near-perfect Anjelica Huston interviews.

On Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens Live Tuesday night, Hilton played “Plead the Fifth,” in which guests get three questions, but can only opt out of answering one of them. (For the record, Hilton did not skip at all.) “Paris, you recently said that you never want Lindsay Lohan’s name spoken in the same sentence as yours,” Cohen challenged. “Paris, say three nice things about Lindsay Lohan.”

“She’s beyond,” Hilton began. Cohen, that coy boy, replied, “That’s a pretty nice thing, to say that she’s beyond.” And Hilton finished her sentence, “. . . lame and embarrassing.”

It’s a tale as old as time. Paris Hilton razzing Lindsay Lohan to the press, and vice versa. Or it’s a tale at least as old as 2006, when someone called Lohan a “firecrotch” on tape and Hilton laughed. Come, take a walk with me back to, let’s say, 2011. It’s as good a place as any to pick up this feud. Primary-colored denim had taken over legs. “Jeggings” was the word on everyone’s lips. Rihanna’s “We Found Love” was the only song Duane Reade was contractually allowed to play, and Ned Stark had just freaking died. Lohan’s acting career was on the fritz, but she was regularly seen in the tabloids, usually walking to and from a Los Angeles courtroom, where she entered a “no contest” plea after being charged for stealing a $2,500 necklace from a jewelry store. Hilton had retired The Simple Life and started another, less successful reality show on Oxygen, The World According to Paris. Their heyday was over, but the public part of their feud was just beginning.

On her show, Hilton gave a homeless woman her earrings after the woman expressed interest in them. The woman called Hilton “Lindsay” and said, “I thought you were supposed to be in rehab.” Hilton delivered the retort, “If I were Lindsay I would be stealing earrings, not giving them away.” It’s like she had that one locked and loaded.

In 2013, there was a physical confrontation between Ray LeMoine, the scumbro who launched the “Yankees Suck” empire in Boston, and Hilton’s brother Barron at a party that Lohan was also attending. There was a lot of back-and-forth as to what actually happened, but Page Six reported that Lohan ordered LeMoine to kick Barron out of the party after she overheard him saying not very nice things about her. Hilton commented on her brother’s Instagram about the incident in reference to LeMoine and Lohan, “They both will pay for what they did. No one f—ks with my family and gets away with it!!”

Now, let’s fast-forward a bit to December 2017 out of mercy for me and you. Hilton claimed Lohan was crashing in that famous photo from 2006 of her, Britney Spears, and Lohan carpooling to the club in an interview with MTV Australia. “It was just Brit and I out and then [Lindsay] just, like, chased us to the car and got in,” Hilton said. “She wasn’t invited. She wasn’t on the list.”

Lohan responded on Twitter, saying only, “#nicegirls @britneyspears @parishilton come to #mykonos for my birthday this weekend? @Beyonce you too.”

Round and round we go. When does it stop? In a minute, stay with me, please. July 2018: An Instagram account that chronicled the life and times of Hilton, @paris2000s, posted what looks like a TMZ video spliced together of the two from the mid-aughts. It shows Lohan saying to the camera that Hilton hit her with a drink and spilled it on her. Then, later, the pair is together, and Hilton points to the paparazzi scrum and says, “Lindsay, tell them the truth.” On cue, Lohan replies, “Paris is my friend. She’s a nice person. Please leave us alone. She never did that, she's a good girl.” Then, another occasion, getting in the car, “Paris is a cunt.” Then, “I never said that. Paris is my friend. I love her. I’ve known her since I was 15 years old.”

Hilton, now in 2018, commented, “#PathologicalLiar.” She quickly deleted it, but not before it was captured by then-fledgling account, @commentsbycelebs. When TMZ asked if Hilton would invite Lohan to her wedding to Chris Zylka (which has since been called off), after some back-and-forth, she said, “I don’t have any drama with anyone but I choose to not surround myself with certain people. Life is too short.”

Still a little later, caught in a less magnanimous moment on a red carpet, Hilton spoke to E! News and doubled down on the pathological-liar comment, saying she was “just saying a fact. Fact of life.”

And it’s the facts of life that Lohan will respond to Hilton’s latest Cohen-fueled hit on her name. Maybe on Instagram. Maybe on an early-morning radio program. She’ll say something clever, or more likely, say something about how women should support one another and not tear each other down. She’ll invite Paris to Mykonos. Paris will not go to Mykonos. This back-and-forth will continue forever and ever, amen, until we’re all mercifully dead in the ground. It’s a fact of life.

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