Almost every day, you wake up at noon, chomp down a big bowl of Cap'n Crunch, and watch a few hours of trash TV. Then you invariably skip your midday shower and forget to shave while bumming around the house in an old pair of unwashed sweatpants, stanky poncho, and sandals. Around dinnertime, you smoke a whole bowl and contemplate the mystery of the universe before settling into a nice, deep nap.
Normally, the world would just slap you with a label like "slobby loser." But tonight, it's The Big Lebowski Night at Bar, so thanks to your shitty clothes and shittier personal hygiene, you will officially become the Dude.
Expect ransom cash and bowling balls, not to mention the Coen brothers' cult flick on the big screen. There will also be $5 white Russians and a one-dollar drink discount for anyone who comes dressed as Jeffrey Lebowski, AKA His Dudeness, Duder, El Duderino.
If, however, you're one of the few goons who still hasn't seen this slacker noir classic, let's quickly relive a few of its freakiest and funniest moments, just so you don't look like a total idiot when you crash this Lebowski bash.
Everybody's got a gang of asshole friends. So if these guys weren't paunchy, 50-ish bowling addicts, this kind of conversation-slash-argument could happen almost anywhere ... A high-school cafeteria table or scuzzy neighborhood bar or church. However, the particulars are pretty bizarre: a criminal act of urination, debates over politically correct nomenclature, and Lebowski's rich doppelgänger.
In any case, even if you haven't seen the movie, the moral of this early scene is clear: If a chinaman pees on your rug, just turn the other fucking cheek.
Sometimes you meet a girl married to a guy with your name and she asks you to blow on her toes. Why? Well, her nail polish is wet. Sure, it seems a little weird, especially since her husband's almost you and he's floating only a few feet away in the pool. But it's innocent enough, right? No way, hombre.
The moral of this scene: Always carry cash.
OK ... So it's not exactly a scene. But the above clip reduces The Big Lebowski to its most essential idea, turning "Dude" into a mantra for all those in stinky sweaters and second-hand slippers. It's the Om of the stoner slobs. Now abide, you free and lazy spirits.
Big Lebowski Night. Tuesday, August 24. Bar, 28 NE 14th St., Miami. The party starts at 8 p.m., the movie screens at 9, and it's free. Visit 28ne14st.com.
