Nancy Hartshorne of Mt. Pleasant thought she was paying her dues – to life, the gods, motherhood – after one of her children was born with a debilitating syndrome that left him blind, deaf and requiring multiple surgeries.
But that was before her 8-year-old son and 15-month -old daughter were killed in an automobile accident 16 years ago.
Jacob, her remaining child with a rare illness called CHARGE Syndrome, became an even more important blessing than he was before the tragic accident.
Since then, Hartshorne, now 45, gave birth to a son, now 9, adopted another, now 12, and has learned a few things along the way.
“The biggest lesson is to accept each child,” she said.”Love them for who they are.”
But she also noted that at some point, “You have to take care of yourself. You have to stop feeling guilty because you can never do enough.”
Sometimes, she said, a mother simply has to let go of all the things people tell you that you have to do – such as making sure they pick up their room, dress themselves, or do their homework.
“Sometimes, you just have to be a mom and cuddle,” she said.
She’s also learned to trust her gut.
“(Nobody) knows my child as well as I do,” she said.
After all she’s been through, Hartshorne does in fact believe that she’s a much better mom than when she began.
“You learn to let a of of stuff go and relax,” she said. “Don’t sweat the small stuff. What’s important is the big picture and we no longer fuss over little things.”
The best teachers
About to become a mother-in-law for the first time and thrilled with the fact that there will actually be another girl in the family, Susan Dinwoody of Alma, hasn’t had to share Hartshorne’s tragedies.
But like most moms, the mother of two sons, ages 24 and 20, has also found that children sometimes make the best teachers.
“I’ve learned not to be rigid – to go with the flow,” she said.
She’s also learned that when it comes to kids, it’s best to check and re-check.
She remembers one evening when one of her sons, about 11 or 12 years old at the time, wanted to go to the library where his father Bryan works so he could use a computer.
He went to the library and when it became late, his dad told him to go home. His father then eventually closed up the library and went home himself.
“Where’s the boy?” Dinwoody asked asked when her husband arrived home.
Her husband replied that he had sent him home.
They began a frantic search of the house, the neighborhood, calling all of the boy’s friends and, ultimately, the police.
“Here everyone is looking for this kid,” she said.
If you haven’t guessed by now, he was found still at the library, still sitting at the computer, apparently quite engrossed. He didn’t even know the library was closed, he said.
Her lesson?
“Just because their dad told them to go home, doesn’t mean they actually go home,” she said.
She’s learned a few other things as well.
“Each one is different,” she said. “(But) you have to be consistent. You have to let them know what is allowed and what isn’t.
“You give them a safe place where there’s love and they know they can come home.”
But most of all, she said, “Parenting teaches you patience and, ‘This too shall pass.’ They will eventually blossom into young adults and you thank goodness if there’s nothing permanent. Like tattoos.”
Patience is the lesson three daughters, ages 14, 22 and 24, have taught Margaret Desormes, assistant director of Human Growth and Development at Central Michigan University.
“I’ve learned not to jump to conclusions, but to listen and wait,” she said. “I’m a whole different mom now.”
Desormes said she’s learned that the kids can often “figure things for themselves.” It’s good to let them make mistakes – the little ones when they are younger so they won’t make big ones when they’re older.
For example, she said, if it’s too cold to wear shorts, but they wear them anyway, that’s one of those little mistakes from which they can learn.
If they learn early enough that that they get a bad feeling if they don’t do their homework, by the time they reach middle school, they will have some of those lessons already figured out.
She is proud of her daughters, but she hopes they are proud of themselves and want to do things that they will be proud of.
Desormes says she tells mothers to “relax and enjoy the time – don’t rush through everything.” Don’t try and hurry through the diaper stage. for example.
“Enjoy each step because there are always a new set of issues,” she said.
Most mothers learn when it’s time to let things go, because they can’t do everything, she added.
One of her daughters, Desormes said, is an awful lot like she is. And of course, she is tempted to give her advice so that the girl doesn’t make the same mistakes that she did.
“But she has to live her own life.”
