It is no secret divorces can get downright contentious — often because the stakes are so high financially and emotionally.
But those already high stakes are raised dramatically when children are involved and one or both parents try to use them as pawns in their never-ending battle with each other.
That could be a recipe for disaster, as parents should try their best to keep kids out of a divorce. Parents should sacrifice their personal feelings of wanting to tell their kids everything in an effort just to get them to don a “Team Mom” or “Team Dad” t-shirt.
Instead, parents need to take the high road and keep their child’s true best interests as their focus during a divorce. This will increase the odds that your children will turn out fine.
This not easy, though, but here are a few tips for parents to protect their children during what can be a traumatic time for them:
Assure the children they have your unconditional love.
If your child is secure and confident in the understanding they are loved by you, and know that no matter what they do that your love is unwavering, then they will be able to get through your divorce, as well as every other stage in life.
Children who are dealing with divorcing parents need to know that if they enjoy time with the other parent, both parents will still love them and will not hold it against them.
Do not make children choose between parents.
Sometimes there is talk about letting a child decide which parent to spend a holiday with. That is a terrible idea. For one thing, giving children such power allows them to be manipulative. They can imply, or say, that if their demands are not met they will spend the holidays with the other parent.
It can also cause great anxiety in children. In essence, you are asking them who they would rather be with. Parents need to be the parents and decide who the children will spend the holidays with.
Do not treat your child as your friend.
No matter how old your child is, this is not the person you should be confiding in, complaining to or offering insight into your divorce proceedings. Your child shouldn’t know the name of your lawyer or the judge, and should not be privy to the child support you are receiving or paying.
The best way you can protect your children during a divorce is to keep him or her out of your divorce. Do all in your power to create a united front with your ex and show your children that even though you are no longer spouses, you are still and will always be their loving parents.
Jacqueline Newman, author of “Soon to Be Ex: A Guide to Your Perfect Divorce & Relaunch,” is the managing partner of Berkman Bottger Newman & Rodd, LLP, a New York divorce law firm. She has appeared as an expert commentator on various television and radio shows and has been quoted in numerous publications, including Crain’s New York Business, U.S. News and World Report, Business Insider, Time.com, USA Today, Yahoo Parenting, Woman’s Day, Glamour Magazine, the New York Post, Reuters.com, CNBC.com and The Huffington Post.
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