On Bachelor in Paradise Chris’s lips get a workout lying to one woman and kissing another

On Tuesday’s show, new arrival Caroline Lunny shared her date with Venmo John with a stray dog and kitten. And then there was Kenny’s and Eric’s conversation comparing the Paradise cast to lab rats searching for cheese.

But the biggest rat, while we’re on the subject, turned out to be a goose.

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Chris “Goose” Randone, the supposed defender of Tia’s fragile heart, two-timed her with Krystal — well, in as much as you can two-time someone you barely know with whom you’ve only had one date.

Still, Chris had been blah blah blahing to Tia about how he was keen to explore the potential in what could be an “amazing” relationship between them. Then Colton clued Tia in that Chris had been exploring the potential in Krystal’s pouty lips. We ended the episode with Tia about to confront Chris.

Oh right, Colton? Still around, of course. He dried his tears and allegedly found “closure” after a chat with Bachelorette Becca, who presumably went back to Minneapolis or Reno or wherever with her fiancé and will stay off our TVs for a while.

Overall it was a pretty eventful episode with more partner swapping than a square dance. The only man who stood absolutely firm in the face of temptation? Our Canadian guy Kevin, who politely let new arrival Jubilee Sharpe know he was sticking with Astrid. Awwwww.

Let’s explore the shenanigans.

Colton talks to Becca: Despite all the tears of Monday’s episode, Colton’s talk with Becca turned out to be not so bad. We’ll just forget about the part where Colton said seeing Becca had brought back feelings he had buried and she said, “Feelings for Tia?” Um, no.

Anyway, Becca confirmed once and for all that she didn’t send Colton home on The Bachelorette because of Tia telling her she still liked Colton. And then she gave Colton a pep talk about how he had to push through the heartbreak, and it was OK to cry and that other women would find it attractive.

Her visit was “the kick in the ass you didn’t even know you needed,” she said.

“That was the full blown boot to the ass,” Colton corrected.

Sure, fine, whatever. Bye Felicia, er, I mean Becca.

Triangle No. 1 — Jordan, Annaliese and Jenna: Poor naive Annaliese was so desperate to find her “love story” she had convinced herself that Jordan was husband material and kept telling anyone who would listen what a good guy he was. And then Jenna Cooper from Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s Bachelor season bounced onto the beach with a date card.

Jordan had found somebody he might actually be able to love, somebody who reminded him of himself. “I’m looking at myself here, a girl version of me,” Jordan told Jenna. “The way you clap your hands when you laugh, my eyes do that when I laugh. You’re somebody that maybe understands the brows and the power that they have.”

Did she ever! Jenna said she and Jordan could “make sure our hair’s all in the right place, pluck eyebrows and talk about serious dramatic issues.”

Oh lord.

Off they went on a date with everyone else cheering them on despite the fact that Annaliese was sitting right there.

Jordan and Jenna rode horses and then settled onto a beach where Jordan’s birthday kiss for Jenna turned into a very intense smooching session. “I’m standing here a young Hasselhoff if you will,” Jordan said. “Jenna’s got the potential to take me off the market.” What does that even mean?

Annaliese seemed to persist in the fiction that she’d be leaving Paradise with a ring on her finger, but reality set in when it got dark and Jordan and Jenna weren’t back yet.

When they finally returned Jordan detached himself from Jenna’s lips long enough to tell Annaliese that even though their own date was fantastic, he’d made a rare romantic connection with Jenna and was giving her his rose. But if Jenna decided she didn’t want him anymore, “just know I’m saving a place for you if something does happen,” he told Annaliese.

That’s the point at which she should have slapped his face so hard it put his eyebrows into permanent “pensive gentleman” mode. Instead she just moped around while Jordan and Jenna rolled around on a day bed kissing.

Triangle No. 2 — Jordan, Jenna and David: Let’s not pretend that Jordan doesn’t deserve this. Let’s also not pretend that David’s sudden interest in Jenna is about anything but messing with Jordan. While Jordan was at the bar bragging about his great connection with Jenna, David brought her a birthday cake with candles and settled onto a day bed to flirt with her. When Jordan returned David kept saying how happy he was that he and Jenna got to celebrate her birthday — to the point that I wanted to slap the smug smile off his face, never mind Jordan.

Jordan threw away the cake plate and made some bizarre statement about David being “the opposite of Mr. Rogers. Like, I don’t want to be your neighbour.”

Triangle No. 3 — Eric, Nysha and Angela: Truth be told, I’m not sure this is a true triangle since we never heard a word from Nysha about whether it annoyed her that the guy she gave a rose to was now smooching and chair dancing with Angela, who had given a rose to John. Nysha is getting next to no screen time and John? Well, he was way too busy with other women to pay any attention to Angela.

Triangle No. 4 — Caroline, John and Jubilee: Caroline from Arie’s season showed up with a date card and started chatting up Grocery Store Joe. Luckily for Kendall, the chat went nowhere because Caroline got nervous and left, telling Joe she had to pee. She was more successful with John, who buttered her up with compliments about her beauty, so she picked John for the date even though he wasn’t the jock type she usually goes for.

At dinner, John tried to tell Caroline what a hopeless romantic he was, except she kept getting distracted by the stray animals that came to their table for handouts. John didn’t seem to be much of an animal guy, but he was a mariachi guy. When the band appeared he got Caroline up for some dancing and kissing, and she was suddenly more interested in a potential relationship with him than cute dogs and cats.

Too bad for Caroline that Jubilee arrived the next day packing a date card and a willingness to disrupt existing couples because “there’s no love without war.”

Jubilee zeroed in on Kevin first, but he told her he’d been hanging out with Astrid and “I need to see where that goes before anything else.” John, however, had no such scruples, even though he was literally snuggling with Caroline when Jubilee asked him out.

“What’s John packing down there?” Kevin wondered.

John and Jubilee bonded over ziplining, their nerdiness and their love of playing musical instruments: guitar for him, cello for her. There were no animals or mariachi to distract them and they ended up smooching on some rocks.

Kenny gets friend zoned: Wrestler Kenny was a man with a plan, namely finding a stepmom for his daughter back home. To that end, he spirited Krystal away for a candlelight drink on the beach. But I guess the adrenalin from their lucha libre date had worn off, because when Kenny told her he was looking to move their relationship foward, Krystal responded, “Thank you for sharing.” Ouch.

Then she told him she didn’t want to jump into anything and he should feel free to explore other people.

Eric commiserated with Kenny, saying Krystal might come back, comparing her to a lab rat who knows where to go to get the cheese.

“Some rats gonna move with the cheese, some rats gonna continue to hope the cheese comes back,” said Kenny.

“Dang, that’s powerful, bro,” replied Eric.

Triangle No. 5 — Chris, Krystal and Tia: Krystal didn’t waste her time talking about rats and cheese; she went off to find Chris, who had recently reassured Tia that he wouldn’t get distracted from their relationship by new women showing up with date cards. Well, technically he wasn’t lying, I guess, since Krystal had been there for a while and she didn’t have a date card.

Chris told Krystal he definitely wasn’t in a relationship and then laid some lip action on her on the premise she was the first blond he’d ever kissed. He couldn’t wait to boast about it to the other men the next day. “There are a lot of women who have my attention right now,” he bragged while wearing his stupid Karate Kid headband. “Today the Goose is flying high.”

Colton broke the news to Tia about Chris’s shenanigans.

As Chris got encouragement from his wingman Jordan for a night of serial dating — “No one’s ever kissed four girls in Paradise in one night. Birds are gonna flock to the Goose tonight” — Tia marched over to confront Chris.

“I feel like Chris is blowing smoke up my ass. It’s time to cook the f—king Goose,” she said.

Maybe. Unfortunately, from the promo, it looks like Tia ends her confrontation in tears. Jubilee does some insurance smooching with John before the rose ceremony; Jenna claims to be wavering between Jordan and David; David throws a helpless stuffed bear into the ocean; and Krystal declares that “A line has been crossed, crossed!”

You can watch it all unfold Monday at 8 p.m. on City, and again Tuesday at 8 p.m. on ABC and Wednesday at 9 p.m. on City. However, please note there will be no recaps next week. I will be on vacation and was unable to get access to the episodes in advance. Regular recaps will resume Tuesday, Aug. 28.

You can email me at dyeo@thestar.ca, tweet me @realityeo or visit my Facebook page.