Linda* was elbow deep in dishes after dinner when she heard the sound of her cat hacking up a hairball. The 32-year-old had a choice: keep scrubbing the plates in the sink, or clean up the mess she knew was awaiting her in the living room. She chose wrong.
Linda’s husband had also heard the cat throw up, and he expected his wife to drop the dishes and get down on the carpet. When she didn’t, “he freaked out and started throwing dishes into the sink and screaming at me about how I was an idiot,” Linda tells SELF. “He did not talk to me for two or three days, even though I would ask him what was wrong. It was only when I broke down and apologized that he started to talk to me again.”
Three and a half years into their marriage—and 13 years into their relationship—Linda and her husband sought the help of a therapist, who diagnosed the man with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). As defined by the Mayo Clinic, NPD is “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.”
His constant manipulation, his verbal attacks on Linda—only to switch to playing the victim moments later—and his gaslighting tactics all pointed the therapist to the diagnosis, Linda says. "I did not believe it at first because, after being with someone for that long, I wanted to believe that he was a good person and I had invested in something that was real," she admits. "But when I heard the words from the therapist … I just felt relieved."
Dating a narcissist can be a confusing, miserable experience that slowly erodes a person's sense of self-worth. But it's not always easy to tell whether the person you're dating simply has certain personality flaws or is an actual narcissist. It often seems easier to try to ignore the signs, blame yourself for their behavior, or try as hard as possible to keep the peace, as Linda did—anything but admit the person you love may have NPD.
When psychologists diagnose NPD, they look for the following features, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) published by the American Psychiatric Association.
- Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
- Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
- Exaggerating achievements and talents
- Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty, or the perfect mate
- Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
- Requiring constant admiration
- Having a sense of entitlement
- Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
- Taking advantage of others to get what you want
- Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
- Being envious of others and believing others envy you
- Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner
While most people may seem to exhibit hints of narcissism here and there, people with NPD cross the line of healthy confidence and believe they are more important than everyone else all of the time. “Someone with NPD will exhibit these traits on a continuous basis, across all situations, and not feel bad about it,” Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., a Los Angeles–based psychologist and author of Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t!, tells SELF.
The first seeds of narcissism are sewn in infancy, Raymond says. Being focused on your immediate needs and wants is normal at this stage. While most people grow out of this neediness by adulthood, narcissists “are insatiable with regard to having care and attention on demand,” Raymond says, adding that this is often rooted in neglectful parents or those who prioritize their own needs instead of their children’s.
According to data sourced from a study of more than 34,600 adults, about 6 percent of the U.S. population has NPD, with rates greater for men (7.7 percent) than for women (4.8 percent).
Hazel*, 28, tells SELF of when she first noticed her boyfriend’s grandiosity. “He was born on the Fourth of July, and he believed that destined him to greatness,” she says. “On one of our first dates, he compared himself to Alexander the Great and Napoleon, saying, 'I was born at the wrong time. Alexander the Great and Napoleon had conquered worlds by my age.'" Although remarks like this point to narcissism, they're easy to ignore when you're infatuated, or to even view as a funny display of a partner's confidence.
Research published in 2013 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology may shine a light on why narcissism isn't always easy to spot at first. The findings suggest there are two different dimensions of narcissism, and they can affect relationships differently over time.
Through a series of seven studies using different methodological approaches, researchers analyzed narcissists’ exhibition of "admiration" and "rivalry" dimensions. Admiration behaviors represent narcissism's charming, self-assured, and entertaining qualities, and are associated with greater short-term satisfaction in relationships. Rivalry behaviors are the sum of narcissism’s exploitative, selfish, and insensitive characteristics, and are the driving force behind unhappiness in long-term relationships with a person who has NPD.
Linda experienced both of these extremes. “When we first started dating, he showered me with compliments, told me how important I was to him, and put me up on a pedestal,” she says. "I now know that this isn't normal behavior—there's a difference between communicating with someone and getting to know them, and smothering that person."
Jamie*, 46, tells SELF that her former husband used to ruin every holiday, seemingly without remorse. One Christmas in particular stands out: “I love to have friends and family around me during the holidays, and so I had invited one of my best friends over for Christmas Eve dinner,” she says. But “my narcissist [husband] laid a huge guilt trip on me about making this Christmas special and spending it with just us. After yet another argument, I called my friend to uninvite her.”
Not only was Jamie’s friend upset, her husband still wasn’t happy: “Instead, he complained about everything—down to the board games we played after dinner—and left in a huff, yelling at me for not noticing that he was so unhappy.” His haughty behavior and exaggerated sense of self-importance are classic signs of NPD, our experts say.
When Jamie’s husband was diagnosed with narcissism, she felt awash with relief. “At least I had validation—even for a brief moment—that I wasn't crazy or a horrible person,” she says. “The drama and ‘it's all my fault’ conversations were really wearing on my sanity, to say nothing of the tattered threads of my self-esteem.”
Talk about drama: Jamie recalls one morning in which her husband greeted her, but she didn't hear him ask how she slept. "He flew into a rage," she describes, "yelling at me for not saying good morning and for not staying in bed a few minutes to snuggle. My jaw was on the floor, having never experienced such bizarre drama. He continued to berate me the entire time I got ready, telling me how disrespectful I was. I lost count of the number of times I apologized—but I could have said 'I'm sorry' a million times and it wouldn't have mattered. I was a horrible person and I wouldn't be able to find anyone else who would put up with me, he said."
Linda, Jamie, and Hazel have all walked away from their narcissistic relationships. It’s easy to see why. But shocking as these women’s tales may be, their experiences with mates diagnosed with NPD aren’t exactly unique. And one online narcissist support group has more than 36,000 members trying to deal with or get over their narcissistic partner or ex-partner.)
Raymond says anyone in a relationship with a narcissist would feel as if “you were not being treated like a human being, but rather a thing to be used as and when necessary.” You would feel alone and devalued. What’s more, “nothing you did or said would ever be enough, and if you dared to take care of yourself before the [person with NPD], you would have the wrath of God heaped on you,” she says.
That doesn’t mean every relationship with a person with NPD is doomed. But a person with NPD is likely “so unaware of his or her issues that he or she is unlikely to enter therapy,” warns Raymond. And therapy is exactly what someone with NPD would require to be in a functional relationship. Without professional help, they might not have a chance.
If you’re in a relationship with a person who has, or whom you suspect has NPD, but refuses to seek help—or if you’re still recovering from a past relationship of the sort—it can help to go to therapy to work out what about this person drew you in and how you can find a healthier relationship, Raymond says.
The signs of narcissism—selfishness, lack of empathy, grandiose behavior, and a big ego, or inflated sense of self-importance—may not always be blatantly obvious at first. But they are often apparent, Linda says, if you really look for them. “Listen to your gut and the indicators that are in front of you. If something seems off, it probably is.”
*Names have been changed.
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