Fifty Shades Of Greitens? BDSM, Abuse And The Difference

ST. LOUIS, MO — Missouri Gov. Eric Greitens is accused of forcing a woman to perform sex acts against her will, according to that woman's testimony before state lawmakers released last week. Upon entering Greitens' home, the woman said, she was surprised to find he had laid out clothes for her to change into. He led her into his basement, where he bound her hands with gauzed tape and put her in a blindfold. It got progressively darker from there.

Kendra Holliday, co-founder of Sex Positive St. Louis, says those actions sound very similar to a practice called BDSM depicted in the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" and a film of the same name released the day before Valentine's Day 2015.

Coincidentally, it was the very next month that Greitens' mistress said he first met her in an alleyway behind a St. Louis Starbucks to arrange a tryst when his wife was out of town.

"It doesn't seem that [Greitens' mistress] meant to get into a BDSM 'scene,'" Holliday said. "She just stumbled into a really scary situation that he had waiting for her."

Indeed, the woman's testimony makes it clear the encounter was not at all consensual. She describes numerous times feeling uncomfortable, saying that she didn't want to have sex with Greitens or even kiss him.

Holliday, who happens to have attended high school with Greitens (Parkway North, class of 1991) says interest in BDSM spiked around the time the governor began his illicit relationship. As a relationship consultant and sex educator, she saw a rash of people interested in such alternative lifestyles shortly after "Fifty Shades of Grey" — especially the movie — came out.

BDSM, if you're not familiar with the term, is an acronym that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism, or sometimes Discipline and Sadism are switched out for Dominance and Submission. It's become a catchall term describing a wide range of activities, from role-playing to more extreme sexual practices. Holliday calls it "creative sex." Practitioners often use whips, ropes and other instruments that look more like they belong in a torture chamber than a bedroom.

"After the movie came out, I had an onslaught of 'vanilla' married couples where the wife would read [Fifty Shades of Grey] and she would tell her husband about it, and he would be excited but have no idea how to proceed," Holliday said.

She would point the couples that came to her in the direction of safe resources, she said. Others, though, would rush headlong into what she calls "the dark side" of sex without first thinking through serious issues like consent. Their misconceptions, she said, could quickly turn dangerous.

"Some of the things described in the book are very much non-consensual," Holliday said. "And that's the difference between BDSM and abuse."

Yet she doesn't blame the book or the film for anyone's bad actions. Rather, she said, she was glad it brought the topic to public attention, adding that when practiced safely, BDSM can be a cathartic and healing experience.

"It gives a person the chance to surrender and be under the control of a responsible partner," she explained, adding that it can also be exhilarating. "I think a lot of people get into BDSM the same way some people get into off-road biking or rock climbing. It's a way to test your endurance and see what your body is capable of. And once you have had your 'scene,' you get to process it and think, 'That was amazing, I'm proud of myself' — or 'I don't want to do that again.' And then you learn and grow from it."

Scene is a word Holliday uses often to describe what BDSM practitioners do. In many ways, she says, BDSM is like theater, with both (or multiple) partners negotiating the script beforehand. At the core of that process is the concept of consent. Her group even conducts workshops on consent that teach people how to say no — and how to take no for an answer.

"When some people get rejected, they often get upset and lash out," she said. "So, we're trying to teach women how to be more assertive — and men how to accept rejection graciously."

Based on the testimony from his former mistress, that seems like a lesson Greitens never learned.

During their encounter in Greitens' basement, the governor is accused of taking a non-consensual nude photo and attempting to blackmail the woman. He was indicted for felony invasion of privacy in February. Afterwards, the woman testified, Greitens coerced her into oral sex as she was crying. She said she felt unable to leave, with no choice but to comply with his demands.

Though Holliday didn't know Greitens well in high school — "I was more of a punk rock chick on the fringes, and he was the popular guy" — she says she has seen the type of abusive relationship he is accused of many times.

"If women don't have experience with BDSM relationships, it's easy to get into a fight or freeze mentality," Holliday said, explaining why Greitens' mistress may have continued her relationship even after she was allegedly abused. "There is an epidemic of opportunistic men using BDSM to prey on women."

She stressed that, if the accusations pan out, the blame will fall squarely on the governor and not his accuser. In many ways, Holliday said, the BDSM subculture is in need of its own #MeToo movement.

Still, when done the right way, she believes BDSM can be empowering for men and women.

"I think it's a very safe and healthy practice, because it is all about exploring your sexuality on your own terms," Holliday said.

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