From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Parting words as another Gay Pride Month slips into the history books...
In short, there are still plenty of places in this country where, in bar after bar on a Saturday night, somebody will eventually stand up and say, "If a faggot came in here I'd kick his ass!" And this is what makes many gays so cagey. Most of them are too smart to hear that and respond, "Here I am, you savage!"
And I'm not just talking about rednecks here. Even Rick Santorum from Pennsylvania, a well-educated man and one of the highest-ranking Republicans in the Senate, doesn't have a clue. Instead of just shutting his mouth because he doesn't know anything, he actually said that homosexuality was a threat to the American family. Of course, he didn't explain why, he just said it as if it were written in stone.
Did I miss something? I read a lot, but never once have I heard about groups of gays hopping in vans and driving from suburb to suburb, threatening American families. If only somebody could convince Santorum this isn't the case. But in his demented mind, he apparently convinced himself that these same gays are driving into culs-de-sac from coast to coast, jumping out of the vans, running into houses just as families are settling in for their evening prayers, and f- -king each other...in front of the kids.
Of course, if it were happening that way, I could understand how families could fall apart and within six months show up on The Jerry Springer Show. Who could blame them? But, like I said, I read a lot, and when I'm not reading, I watch The Jerry Springer Show. A lot. So far, I'm happy to report, there is no concrete evidence to support Santorum's claim. Nothing...
And I think it takes a lot of balls for heterosexuals to make such a fuss over this issue, considering that 50 percent of us can't even stay married. It's not like we have a lock on this institution. For all we know, if gay marriages were figured into the equation, the divorce statistics may even go down. That's actually one of my secret dreams because it would be a hell of a kick in the ass to the religious right.
--from 'Nothing's Sacred' by Lewis Black
Cheers, Queers! C&J starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Cheers for Tuesday, June 28, 2005...
Note: Take the last train to Clarksville. I'll meet you at the station.
By the Numbers:
Days `til July 4th: 6
Days `til the North Atlantic Blues Festival in Rockland: 11
Days `til `Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince': 18
Boston's standing in the American League East: #1
Estimated worldwide sales of cocaine: $92 billion---more than McDonalds, Kellogg's and Microsoft combined
(Source: Esquire)
Number of sports-related concussions annually: 306,000
(Source: Men's Health)
Percent of Republicans who exhibit concussion-like symptoms daily: 75%
(Source: Oh, it's here someplace...)
Your Puppy Pic of the Day: "Wow...and I thought I had a big nose."
CHEERS to Borders with Bubbas. Bill Clinton was in town yesterday, signing copies of `My Life" (now out in paperback). He then went boating with buddy George H.W. Bush aboard the `Fidelity III.' The Goopers'll be busting a gut over that.
JEERS to more of the same. Bush will address the nation tonight from Fort Bragg, hoping to shore up his plummeting poll numbers with Frank Luntz-inspired verbal cookies. Advance text: Blah blah freedom, blah blah tyrant, blah blah stay the course. And take a swig every time he mentions 9/11...we hear it's back in style.
CHEERS to mysteries solved. On June 17th C&J asked: "With John Ashcroft's departure as Attorney general, did they lift the drapes off that statue at the Justice Department?" The media swarmed at our behest and, ladies and gentlemen, the answer is Yes. Now tell me this, Sherlock: how come they're now B-cups?
CHEERS to preacher man reborn. The Rev. Billy Graham wrapped up his evangelical career on a kinder and more tolerant tone. And his Hillary-for-President remark caused the freeper knuckledraggers to blow assorted aortas. Someone should probably call 911. Seriously.
WHAAA...?? to the mistress. Why George...I believe you grabbed the wrong woman when you went out the door. I'm sure What'sername will be along shortly.
CHEERS to the first decade. Kpt Laurie and Fennster---long-time friends and members of the C&J family---celebrated the tenth anniversary of their commitment ceremony last Friday. As lovebirds in a committed, monogamous same-sex relationship, they are the religious right's worst nightmare. If, that is, you don't count science books.
JEERS to the Secretary of Up-is-Down. Hey, Mom and Dad, did you hear what Donald "Dick" Rumsfeld said last Thursday during the hearings in the House? "There isn't a chance in the world that the draft will be brought back." He's the same guy who promised the WMDs were in Baghdad and Tikrit and areas east, west, south and north somewhat. Will Bush pick the first number out of a hat, do you `spose?
CHEERS to the frumpy ol' Wolverine. Happy 71st Birthday to Senator Carl Levin (D-MI). He and Maine Senator Susan Collins sent the President a letter yesterday urging Bush to talk some sense in tonight's speech. That, I'm afraid, is one birthday wish that will be denied (but your Denny's discount is as good as gold, sir).
CHEERS to the other American revolution. On June 28, 1969, customers at a Greenwich Village gay bar---the Stonewall Inn---decided they'd had enough police harassment for one lifetime. So they tipped over a paddy wagon, hurled some rocks and gave new life to the fledgling gay rights movement. And nobody broke a nail.
JEERS to stiffing Miss Crabtree. Teacher salaries in Maine are the lowest in New England and 35th in the country, according to a new report from the NEA. Average salary is $39,864, vs. the national average of $46,752. leave an apple on our desk and take the poll.
CHEERS to the pinnacle of political snark. The big gun on today's DVD release schedule: The Daily Show's `Indecision 2004' set. Hilarious as hell...but do we really want to go through that again?
CHEERS to #4. James Madison died in Montpelier, Virginia 169 years ago today. He was the chief architect of the United States Constitution, and he's no doubt rolling in his grave over the GOP's manhandling of it. It's a lovely day for a long walk...go pay your respects.
P.S. Regarding yesterday's Supreme Court decision on the Ten Commandments displays, we are gently reminded by Mr. Madison: "The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe with blood for centuries." Unfortunately, he didn't mention anything about rabid spittle.
JEERS to the pain...the pain. It's the upper left second molar and it feels like it's ready to explode. But I'm taking a magical painkiller called Hydrocodone until I can get a root canal Thursday morning. God bless the pharmacist for giving me one extra pill so I can double the dose while Bush is on---hopefully it'll knock me out cold.
C&J Flashback: August 28, 2004...
CHEERS to activist judges. A federal judge in New York strikes down ban on a form of abortion called intact dilation and extraction because it didn't have an exclusion that would allow the procedure if a woman's health was jeopardized. Women win. Bush loses. As it should be.
CHEERS to Sistani in the Hizzouse. You did it, old man! The grand Ayatollah brokers peace in Najaf. Prime minister Allawi is so pleased he cut off a few hands with his Happy Fun CleaverTM.
And just one more...
JEERS to the mean drunk. Did you see this video of Tom Delay hitting the sauce? "And thash du troof! Thhhpppppt!!"
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"The sole function of the monument on the grounds of Texas' State Capitol is to display the full text of Cheers and Jeers."
Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens
6/27/05
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