Help! I’m Too Confused To Be Enjoying The Dog Drama on ‘RHOBH’

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

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It was the year 2019 when The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills switched from a weekly reality program about beautiful rich ladies to a riveting true crime drama about a tiny dog. Because this season has been consumed by #PuppyGate in a way we couldn’t really anticipate, in that it is ONLY about #PuppyGate.

The season started out strong, with all the right nibbles laid out appropriately: the visit to Vanderpump Dogs, Teddi’s “Oh, is this her?” as a (rightfully) quivering dog is clutched, Lisa Vanderpump’s “I’m not talking about it.” But after a non-relaxing trip to the Bahamas and a handful of color-printed papers of text messages receipts to wave around, we’re now being asked to care about a puzzle when half the pieces are swept under the couch. What Teddi Mellencamp or Vanderpump might dig around, find, and place on the table is anyone’s guess, but we’re currently working with not enough facts and yet it’s still too much.

What we know at this point is that someone from the Vanderpump camp (Lisa? One of two men named John? Harrison the dog?) wanted Teddi to know that the dog Dorit adopted from Vanderpump Dogs, Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy, was later found at a dog shelter instead of being returned to Vanderpump Dogs. Teddi agreed to bring this up to the other women, move some drama forward, and potentially shame Dorit in the process, but then couldn’t go all the way through with it, while Vanderpump’s hands were to remain seemingly clean of the whole incident (lol, sure).

I was salivating at the beginning of this season at the drama that was to come — and, drama centered around an actual event, not just random hurt feelings, which is the norm for Housewives of any city. It was fun at first because we know the adorable pup is now safe and in a good home and unable to bite PK’s face. But also, watching an object under 20 lbs. wreak this much havoc amongst a group of extravagantly wealthy women is hilarious. Though it turns out, having not only a physical being but singular event to point to (not to mention those damn corresponding and conniving printed out texts) is making me even more confused than the typical she said-she said drama normally does.

I tried to read this incredibly thorough explanation from Bustle about the Vanderpump Dogs employee John Blizzard who inserted himself and his 2010 Justin Bieber haircut directly into this drama and I got dizzy. And we’re to believe there’s even more to come out about this incident and orchestration? Can someone please create a detailed timeline of who said what and when so that I can follow along? I’m too confused to be savoring this drama. Just lay out all the details in an organized manner so I can understand what’s happening and then choose to side with the woman I already believe is telling the most truth in the matter anyway.

You know the look on Teddi’s face when Lisa Rinna proudly declared this was a total Vanderpump set up? Well that look is cemented on my face lately too because this wasn’t just a set up about one dog. It was a set up about a lot of dogs. Vanderpump Dogs, to be exact. While LVP’s episodes on RHOBH have to be numbered, I feel like I was scammed into caring about Vanderpump Dogs, for what I thought was simply Beverly Hills drama. But no, it was to rope me into caring about John B. and John S., like they’re freaking contestants on The Bachelorette, so that I’m already invested in a show that doesn’t even officially exist yet. It’s time to put a leash on this dog drama and let the women run free in a Bahamas club again. That was good.

Where to stream The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills