Karl Pilkington: the meaning of my moaning

A drizzly Wednesday morning in central London seemed, to me, the ideal time and place for a moan. So as I made my way to Karl Pilkington's hotel, I fully expected to spend a morning in the company of Britain's foremost complainer grumbling through issues including the mid-week blues, soggy socks and red light signals on the London Underground.

But such is the Pilkington paradox that the man known for his notorious fault-finding is actually a disarmingly happy individual; one whose grumbling gripes and grouses could put a smile on even the saddest of faces.

I joined the 43-year old, whose hit documentary series 'The Moaning of Life' returns to screens tonight, at his hotel to discuss why he believes having the odd whinge isn't necessarily a bad thing, and how constantly questioning life's little quirks is the only true way to happiness.

Jonathan Wells: Right, I’ve written a quote down here. I know that, in the past, you’ve looked at various quotes and sayings and tried to improve them, and I thought that this one, from a Swiss philosopher called Johann Kaspar Lavater, pretty well summed up why you like to grumble.

So, here goes. “Him, who incessantly laughs in the street, you may commonly hear grumbling in their closet.” What do you make of that?

Karl Pilkington I...one second. What’s he saying there? What does he actually mean? Is he saying that a lot of people are putting on a front, pretending they’re happy when they’re not?

JW Yeah, I think that’s it. And isn’t that the opposite of how you go about in life? If something either annoys or confuses you, you’ll never just brush over it and pretend that it’s okay. You’ll question it, you’ll pick fault with it and criticise it. And then you’re probably happier at the end of the day than that person who’s incessantly laughing in the street.

KP Yeah, exactly. The problem with a lot of telly is, you flick it on and everyone’s grinning. If I’m happy, I’m happy to show it. In the first episode of the new series there’s stuff I’m enjoying and I show it. But I don’t quite understand this world of 'why telly’s so glossy and happy' - it annoys me when people watch it and say ‘I wish I had that life’. What do you mean? They’re not really happy, they’re going home crying at night.

Giving out this false idea of what life is, that’s not right. I think you’ve got to have the depressing days, do you know what I mean?

I do feel sorry for Suzanne [Pilkington's girlfriend] sometimes, because it can be first thing in the morning, and she’ll have 5 Live on and we’ll wake up and straight away you’re getting some news story. So I’m frowning straight away. I’ve only got one eye open and I’m being wound up.

JW There are an awful amount of depressing news stories though - wars, laws, politics. Where are the fun stories, like baby animals being born at the zoo?

KP Yeah, you’re right. I sometimes try to dip into Newsnight or Question Time and I have to stop and ask myself: what’s happening here? I just can’t get my head round some of it. And people say I’m an idiot and I want to say 'I’m not' - I mean, I didn’t do too well at school - but then I watch the news sometimes and I think ‘oh, wait, maybe I am’.

And have you seen some of the quiz shows on these days? Jesus! What’s that one…

JW & KP Only Connect!

KP Oh my God. I can’t even get my head around the names of the categories on that, there’s feathers or something? And a lion’s head maybe?

JW Yeah, I’m not sure who’s watching that.

KP I just don’t get it. I mean, I’m impressed by it but it just makes me feel like - am I the normal one? Or are these the normal people?

JW It’s the same with University Challenge though isn’t it? I never met anyone like that when I was at Uni.

KP I’ve talked about that on a podcast before. I just play the game of ‘who’s gonna answer it?’ rather than guessing at the right answer now. Or just have a bit of fun and say ‘egg’ for every answer and see if that ever comes up. But what were we talking about? Oh yeah, that quote.

JW Yeah, about people putting on a mask. Maybe some people are just genuinely happy though, and don’t have anything to complain about. Which I envy, because I’ll tell you what - and you’ll sympathise with me here - being a Northerner living in London is rough. I went into a chip shop the other day and asked for scraps. They looked at me like I was mental.

KP Forget it. Down here they don’t know about loads of things. When I first came down I remember gravy in a chippy was like, ‘what?’ And I remember asking for a barm cake. Now it does sound odd, but there’s just things you have to stop asking for.

You asked what makes me happy and I reckon I’d say food. For me, food is up there with the most important reasons to live. Not just for the sake of it - I’ve got to be hungry. But if I’m having food I’m happy. And when I go away on these trips, if they’ve got it, I’ll always have fish and chips. But I’ve got to have a cup of tea with it, and that’s just me - it’s part of the parcel.

JW Mushy peas?

KP Yep. But I’m not too bad. If it’s garden peas I’ll still go for them, or if it’s a posh place, they’ve got these kind of squashed ones now, innit? It’s like not just mushy, it’s…

JW Like a paste?

KP Yeah. Almost just like - I mean, it’s just taken it to another level of mushy. But it’s still peas. But yeah, if I can’t have a cup of tea with it, I probably won’t bother with the fish and chips.

JW Yorkshire Tea or Lancashire Tea ?

KP Lancashire.

JW I’ll let that slide. Pickled egg?

KP Never had a pickled egg.

JW Never had a pickled egg?!

KP Never had a pickled egg. For the series, I met an old woman who lived every day as if it was her last - which, for her, I suppose it could be - she was like ninety odd. But she could do stuff she’d never done, and I think that’s the problem with young people these days. They’re doing everything far too young - just experiencing everything. About eight months ago, I remember a kid in a supermarket kind of asking his mam if he could have a lychee. And I was like, what the f***? I’ve never even heard of them.

JW The concepts you explore in this new series, like art, identity, values, waste, are they things that you wanted to criticise but use your moaning to offer a solution?

KP Yeah, I think so. Waste winds me right up. I’m at that age now where I can be wound up by rubbish. It’s a proper stress for me. Even at Christmas when the bin men aren’t working, and you’ve got all these boxes and wrapping paper. I hate it. Again, I suppose I moan a bit about it, and everyone else is going ‘forget about it Karl, have fun,’ but when I get a big present I’m not thinking ‘oooh, what’s this?’ I’m thinking, ‘How am I gonna get rid of that? Forget what’s in it - how am I going to get rid of the box?

I think that’s an age thing. I’m like an old man. That’s my dad coming out in me. But all waste, like this carrier bag thing at the moment!

JW What’re your views on that?

KP Well it’s another one of these things causing an uproar, innit? If they’re that bad, just get rid of them.

JW Is that 5p going to charity?

KP God knows, who knows where that’s going. And who’s keeping an eye on that? But if they’re that bad, just come up with an alternative. I had an idea the other day actually - why don’t we just make carrier bags out of jellyfish?

JW What?

KP Out of jellyfish. Then if they end up in the sea that’s where they’re meant to be and it won’t matter if turtles eat them. It just annoys me, every day it’s just continuous. Someone sitting in an office with a clipboard saying ‘how can we rip people off today?’ That seems to be our only reason for being on this planet.

JW I’m not a fan of being ripped off.

KP Tell you what Jonathan, I’ll tell you a story. A couple of weeks ago I tried to order some furniture online, a couple of coffee tables - we’ve moved and we’ve got a bit more space. It said £40 delivery online, which you just have to accept because that’s the way it is. But I kind of wish that they’d just add that onto the price. If I haven’t got an option, just add it on and I’ll be happier. But anyway, it said on the website that you should get these two coffee tables together if you’ve got the space. So I called up and said we’d have the two coffee tables. He said ‘that’ll be £80 delivery’. And I said, ‘woah, wait what?’ and he said that it was £80 because there were two. Even though they were coming to the address anyway with one of the tables? He said that’s the way it is, so I said fine - but if I’m paying twice I want them both coming on different days. He hung up in the end.

JW Cheeky.

KP Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s just my manner. Or maybe it’s a northern thing?

JW It could be a northern thing. Maybe it’s just the way our voices sound?

KP A bit miserable? Yeah, it could be that. But I think people think I’m moaning when actually I’m just being realistic. I expect the worst, and that’s why you put a seatbelt on in the car isn’t it?

JW So you think moaning is like a defence mechanism?

KP I think moaning can help. My dad’s always creative with a moan. He’s never just sat there moaning and that’s what you should use a moan for. A ‘right, here’s a problem, how do I deal with it?’ It’s good to moan, because that’s how you get solutions. If everybody’s happy with everything, then how’s anything going to change?

JW I've never looked at it that way before. I just thought I was being pessimistic, but you think that moaning is used to expose problems that you can then fix?

KP That’s it. And it can also just be a good way to cope with stuff. Actually - I don’t usually call it a moan. It’s more like a pressure release. Get it all out of my system.

JW So in this latest series, did you come across anything that you didn’t even have a little moan about? Anything make you really happy?

KP I tried a wig on in Atlanta, and I got proper sucked in. It was this one that you can wash, you can pull, you can sleep in and it won’t come off - I think it’s in episode two, about identity. And Suzanne was going ‘what are you doing? Why’re you bothered? You didn’t want hair before today.’ But I reckon I might have kept it if I lived over there.

JW You need witness protection. See something you shouldn’t and you can have all the hair you want.

KP Yeah. Yeah. Now there’s an idea.

Karl Pilkington returns in The Moaning of Life 2 on Sky 1 tonight at 9pm

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