From the MASSACHUSETTS-ANNEXED FRONTIER TERRITORY OF MAINE...
The Declaration of Independence: Brittle Parchment of Liberty
If you are going to sever ties to your Commonwealth through bloody struggle, it is considered polite to write down why. Nobody wants to get three years into a revolution only to realize the whole thing was a Three’s Company-esque misunderstanding. The Declaration of Independence was the laundry list of grievances stating America’s case for freedom. Its accusations against the King ranged from egregious ("He has plundered our seas, burnt our towns and ravaged the lives of our people") to the trifling ("Sometimes when he sees us at a party he acts like he doesn’t know us"). But proud men would not take up arms against the Crown solely because the King had "erected a multitude of new offices." The authors of the Declaration knew they would also have to appeal to man’s higher nature, to stir men’s souls. They needed something with some zazz. Enter a hot-shot tobacco executive from Virginia, Thomas Jefferson.
His task would be to synthesize the unique brand message of America down to something that would captivate the hard to reach "12-28 ragtag militia" demographic, all the while not offending traditional "Butterchurn Moms." His first attempt at a Preamble was:
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AMERICA. A is for All the tea they taxed. M is for the Minutemen they shellaxed..."
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It tested poorly. But his rewrite would be win-win:
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"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
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In a scant 35 words, Jefferson had given the nation the kind of positive brand identity that tendered moot the issue of whether or not we had to live up to its ideals. Still, knowing the inherent contradiction between their noble words and the reality of a slave-owning nation, Jefferson and the Founders wisely decided to strike from the Declaration of Independence the phrase "or your money back."
---From America (The Book): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction
Happy 231st Birthday, America, We The People luvs ya. The traditional reading of the July 4, 1776 edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in the Commonwealth of There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Cheers for Tuesday, July 4, 1776
Note: Whomever used mine only copy of Common Sense to wipe their arse in the shitehouse this morning shall be punished by the switch. Wretched cur!
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By thy Numbers:
Days `til the official reading of the Declaration in Philadelphia: 4
Weight, in pounds, of the "old [Liberty] bell" that will ring to gather Philadelphia residents for the first reading of the Declaration: 2,080
Number of Declaration signers: 56
Number of feathered quills that practical-joker delegates stuck in William Whipple's wig before he noticed and got pissed off: 16
Ben Franklin's age at the time of signing: 70
Number of Dunlap Broadsides (copies of the Declaration) that will be made tonight by John Dunlap: 200
Number of people currently living in the colonies: 2.5 million
Number of times John Adams stepped on Thomas Jefferson’s foot during the signing: 1
Number of letters in "Hey, watch it, assmunch!": 18
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: General Washington is an avid fox hunter, and his canine of choice is the tireless English Hound. The reason they sleep in the stable and not the master’s manse can be summed up thusly: English Hound SBDs.
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CHEERS to the Declaration. The white boys in Congress strapped on a pair and drew one helluva line in the sand today. Britain: You're fired. So...what do we do now?
JEERS to the first draft. Thank goodness "The King can partake of my knickers..." ended up in ye olde trashcan. Good decision to lay off the hard cider, Jefferson.
CHEERS to Caesar Rodney. Hearing that the Delaware delegation was deadlocked, he rode 80 miles in wind and rain to reach Philadelphia in time to cast his crucial vote in favor of independence. We say his horse deserves to have his hoof print on the document, too.
CHEERS to niggling editors. Thanks to the bone-headed delegates from South Carolina and Georgia (who want to continue importing slaves), and the New England delegates (whose merchants still want to make money importing them from Africa), language slamming the King for the slave trade was deleted. C&J disagrees. But we're sure it will all be solved amicably by the weekend.
CHEERS to Mr. Loud and Proud. Rumor has it that Continental Congress president John Hancock was the only delegate who actually signed the document. The rest will do so after the "engrossed prints" are ready next month. The real reason: his signature was such a behemoth they ran out of ink.
JEERS to the Hessians. For signing on with King George III and committing troops to do his dirty work fighting us. Fair warning, Heinrich...our bayonets'll turn your bellies into beer taps. "Prosit, Arschloch!"
CHEERS to John Adams: "I am well aware of the toil and blood and treasure it will cost us to maintain this declaration, and support and defend these states. Yet through all the gloom I see the rays of ravishing light and glory. I can see that the end is worth all the means. This is our day of deliverance." Now c'mere and pull my finger.
JEERS to the apple falling far from the tree. William "Dick" Franklin, illegitimate son of Benjamin and former Royal Governor of New Jersey, was little more than a lap dog for the King. He's currently under house arrest. They should paper his walls with the Declaration just to rub it in. Memo to dad: see what happens when you think with the wrong head?
JEERS to wigs. In this summer heat, they itch like burlap on buttock. Can we declare independence from these smelly things, too?
CHEERS to the women. Y'know, not only are they keeping our homesteads maintained in our absence, they're also pretty good in a skirmish. And there even seems to be a certain time of the month when they can heave cannonballs all on their own. Amazing.
CHEERS to beating back the skeptics. Ol' scaredy-cat delegate John Dickinson says independence is premature: "It'll be like destroying our house in winter and exposing a growing family before we have got another shelter." Yeah, well, the current landlord with the crown is a petulant loopdie-doo so...potato puhtahto.
JEERS to the Grand Union Flag. Look, I'm not saying it's bad. The 13 stripes are creative. But that British emblem still sticks in my craw. Whaddya all think about maybe some stars? I know a good seamstress (we call her the "Filly in Philly" Grrrrowl!!!). I'll drop her a note.
JEERS to "Female Combatants." This British political cartoon actually says, "I'll force you to obedience, you rebellious slut" and features womanly nakedness. Can the "mainstream" media possibly sink any lower?
CHEERS to Market and Seventh Streets. The brick house on this corner is where Tom Jefferson spent most of his time writing the Declaration. When he moved out, the maid wenches were cleaning his room for days. ("Ewwwwwww...!!!")
CHEERS to the bottom line. Hancock: "We must be unanimous; there must be no pulling different ways; we must hang together." Franklin: "Yes. We must all hang together. Or most assuredly we shall all hang separately." Us: Gulp!
One Year Ago in C&J: July 4, 1775:
CHEERS to the new ass-kickers. General Washington officially formed a new Continental Army today. Remember...no swearing or drunkenness, guys. And would it hurt to take a bath maybe once a month?
CHEERS to foiled birthday plans. Patriots in Savannah spiked cannons intended to salute King George "Dick" III on his birthday. Instead of "Boom!" they got a taste of what the Brits will soon do against our guys: sputter and fizzle.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to going out together. On July 4, 1826---50 years to the day after the signing of the Declaration---John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died within hours of each other (Jefferson went first). Pay your respects to J.A. here and to T.J. here. And pray that one day we're fortunate enough to have statesmen like them running this place again.
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Yon floorboards be open...What are ye cheering and jeering about today?
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