From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
"What do we want?" "Patience!"
"When do we want it?" "Now!"
A lot of Very Important People keep telling me that I have to continue being patient with the Iraq war. People like the President of the United States:
March: Bush Pleads for Patience in Iraq War
May: Bush Urges Patience on Iraq
June: Bush urges patience on Iraq
July: War In Year 5; Bush Requests Patience
August: Bush pleads for more patience for Iraq war efforts
September: Iraqi civilian deaths up, Bush urges patience
Contrary to what the frequently-wrong media pundits say, I (and, I'm willing to bet, you) do understand the gravity of the situation in Iraq. It's the mother of all messes. One of the worst blunders our country has ever made. It's just a big ball of bad and there's no way to get around it. If we stay it's bad and if we leave it's bad. The word of the day, the week, the month, the year and the decade is: "Bad."
And here we are, four and a half bad years after we strolled into Baghdad with our picnic baskets and Starbucks franchise leases, being asked to be patient just a little while longer because we're this close to going from "baddest" to "badder" on the scale of bad. Fine. I'm a reasonable man and perfectly capable of being patient. I've even heard it's a virtue.
But I want something in return. I want the nincompoops who orchestrated this farce in a massive rush of non-patience to excuse themselves from the public stage. That includes the president, the vice president and the secretary of state. They need to resign, find a nice rocking chair far away from D.C., and never be heard from again.
It includes the neocons and their think-tank buddies who continue to flap their gums about how awesome the Iraq war is going and wouldn’t it be swell to bring the same kind of awesomeness to Iran NOW NOW NOW!!!
It includes the journalists who helped beat the drums of war by "catapulting the propaganda" and advancing the official White House narrative. And it includes the members of the House and Senate who believe that buying "five rugs for five bucks" at an Iraqi marketplace surrounded by armed guards and attack helicopters is all the proof I should need that things are going swell, so sit down, shut up and be patient.
This, of course, will never happen. Despite all the unnecessary blood under the bridge (1.3 gallons per human x 3,800 U.S. soldiers killed = 4,940 gallons, but who's counting), the architects of the Iraq war either a) still have jobs and are just as powerful and wrong as ever, or b) are living comfortably as consultant$ and/or lecturer$ and/or author$ and/or lobbyist$, and/or pundit$. They will always be quoted and covered by very serious journalists as if the result of their maniacal judgment on Iraq was the equivilent of spilling a glass of milk. Oopsie!
To all of you lunatics, I say: I'll be patient about the Iraq war. I just won’t be patient about the Iraq war for you.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Note: The health claims in C&J have not been evaluated by the FDA. They might think about it when they get back from their golf game.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til SCHIP expires: 4
Days `til the third-quarter campaign fundraising period ends: 4
Average credit card balance in 1990: $2,966
Average credit card debt in 2006: $9,659
(Source: USA Today via The Week)
Cost of the National Olympic Stadium in China: $386 Million
Number of people it will seat: 91,000
Number of Iraqi provinces that can be pacified by festooning businesses with Halloween decorations: 15
(Source: Michael O'Hanlon/Brookings Institute)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 156 (including 5 Hillary appearances on Sunday morning talk shows and 1 Iranian president visiting America). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "Come to the fluffy side, Luke..."
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CHEERS to hanging out with Obama. The presidential contender was in Portland yesterday, and these were C&J’s thoughts during his 40-minute barn-burner that felt like a combination rock concert and high school pep rally:
"Damn, of all the days for my underwear to be ridin’ up my crack. I’m gonna need tweezers to get ‘em unstuck. Goddammit. If I get a chance to ask Obama a question today, I'm gonna ask how he keeps his skivvies hangin' so loose..."
"What? He’s starting his speech on time? Maybe he really does want to be the candidate of change."
"He just said, ‘A long resume does not guarantee good judgment. A long resume does not guarantee good character.’ In yer face, Cheney."
"He also said, ‘We’ve got to be as careful getting out of Iraq as we were careless getting in.’ I propose a helicopter that can carry 160,000 troops. With a cloaking device."
"Oh my god, he just looked into my eyes and read my thoughts on renewable energy. That's just scary..."
"Republicans may be the 'Daddy Party,' but Barack would make a better daddy because he’s smart, funny, motivational, serious, protective, and unlike Republican daddies he won’t tuck us in at night with the words, 'The terrorist killers are coming to rip your intestines out. Sweet dreams, Kiddo.'"
"I wonder if I'll be in the paper tomorrow..."
So I absolutely plan to vote for Barack Obama with 100 percent certainty. If he’s the nominee.
P.S. I'm in the paper today. Paragraphs 8 through 10. Pulitzer-winning stuff.
CHEERS to winning something. Yesterday the mighty Republican minority in the House generously allowed the meek Democratic majority to expand the SCHIP program, which provides state and federal dollars to help cover medical expenses for children. Unfortunately, enough parent-hating Republicans voted "Eff Yoo", making it veto-able. President Bush immediately offered his own SCHIP alternative that would conform to his agenda of rugged individualism: parents would get a free bag of surgical instruments with which they can perform their own operations on their kids (the program would pay for itself through upsells of anesthesia and drop cloths). Said one undecided parent: "I could use the SCHIP money, but I've always wondered what it would be like to take out Johnny's gallbladder." To be continued...
JEERS to premature ejubilation. After only two days, the UAW reached an agreement with General Motors:
GM and the UAW confirmed that the deal creates a GM-funded, UAW-run trust to administer retiree health care. The two sides gave no other details, but a person briefed on the contract told The Associated Press that it also would give workers bonuses and lump-sum payments and would pay newly hired workers at lower rates. The deal means UAW workers will head back to their jobs at around 80 GM facilities across the nation.
Of course I'm happy. But I sure wish someone would've told me before I stayed up all night making 74,000 sandwiches.
CHEERS to Great Moments in Leadership. Yesterday President Bush told the United Nations to go out and spread freedom. But only as long as the freedom they spread conforms to the strict neocon guidelines of the United States. It's like we've practically done all the thinking for them.
JEERS to life in General Betray Us's Iraq. In Iraq's Diyala Province Monday, the village folk gathered for a "reconciliation feast between provincial officials and former Sunni insurgents." There was food and dancing and merriment and hugs and kisses and promises to meet in chat rooms and be best friends 4-evuh and it was a real blast. That is, until the real blast. I hope this doesn't mean everyone has to return their friendship rings.
CHEERS to famous firsts. On September 26, 1789, Thomas Jefferson became America's first Secretary of State and John Jay became our first Chief Justice. Today it's Condi Rice and John Roberts. That's what's known among historians as slippage.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Chris over at Americablog asks: Why did Bush cut and run from a free press in Egypt?
Coward.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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JEERS to painful choices. Oh, sure, the easy thing would be donating a few bucks to help progressive Democrat Donna Edwards kick Al Wynn's butt in Maryland's 4th Congressional district. But, my goodness, how can you even think of doing that when the National Republick Congressional Committee is living in poverty, eating mac 'n cheese every night and huddling around heating grates for warmth? Answer: "Watch me." (Followed by maniacal cackling.)
CHEERS to the GOP death spiral. How bad are things for the Republick party? If you believe the latest Gallup poll numbers, they rank higher than satanic puppy-killing child abductors who haven’t bathed in six months, but lower than satanic puppy-killing child abductors who have bathed in six months. But don't use Mr. Bubble™, you guys, because that irritates the skin.
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One Year Ago in C&J: September 26, 2006...
JEERS to the paranoid delusions of a lunatic mind. Despite the fact that no one can be found to confirm it, Bill O'Reilly says he's on al Qaeda's hit list. Actually, we believe he's on al Qaeda's "preserve at all costs" list---he's their favorite infidel comedian.
JEERS to the number of walking wounded. The Veterans Health Administration says more than 1-in-3 Iraq/Afghanistan war veterans seeking treatment show signs of stress-related mental disorders. That's ten times the number reported just 18 months ago. The VHA is seeking $300 million more for 2007 in order to treat them. We hear Don Rumsfeld was so upset by the news that he nearly gave up a point in a squash game.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to the Presidential Superfriends League. Imagine if Fred Thompson had the power to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Or if Hillary Clinton had the power to stop a freight train with her pinky. Or if Rudy Giuliani had the power to shut the hell up. Thanks to Comedy Central's Indecision 2008 blog, you can see the candidates as superheroes in all their Spandex-clad glory. (They forgot Kucinich, who we assume would be Underdog.) To fundraisers...and beyond!!!
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Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J testimonial:
"In Iran, we don’t have Cheers and Jeers like in your country. We don’t have that in our country. In Iran, We do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you that we have it."
---Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad
9/24/07
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