Funny Stories

A friend was ordering her meal at a drive-through when she noticed she could get a side dish gratis. “And I’ll take the free wiffie also,” she said. “What?” asked the clerk. “The free wiffie,” she said, pointing to the sign. “Ma’am, that’s ‘Free Wi-Fi.’ ” Christie Peldo, Yacolt, Washington

Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?” “Last night at 11:00,” I said. “And the tires were on it then?” Jeremy Rice, Englewood, Florida

Scene: A secondhand movie 
exchange ... Me: Do you have the DVD of 
Sharknado? Clerk: Is that a documentary? Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia

My husband and I were relaxing on lounge chairs on a Jamaica beach, half listening to a couple walking 
ankle deep in the clear water. The woman was extolling the beauty of the island when suddenly she let out a scream. “Oh!” she shrieked. “There are fish in here!” Janet Davis, Quakertown, Pennsylvania

After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly relative was missing. “Where’s Aunt Florence?” she asked. From across the room came a masculine drawl, “Oh, she’s with the kids, bridging the generation gap.” Contributed by Florence M. Mortimer

I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. After I said everything was A-okay, she told me a friend was coming for dinner. Then came the stumper. “If my friend just left from exit twelve,” she asked, “what time should I put the turkey in?” Contributed by Sandra Shields

Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until we remembered we had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence. “Please don’t worry about me,” she said. “I was brought up in a family too.” Contributed by Garrison H. McClure

The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to the checker. “How can you stay so pleasant?” “We can all count our blessings,” the clerk replied. “The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn’t come in July.” Contributed by L. Proctor

When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument “felt stuffy” and he couldn’t blow air through it. It’s not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments if small items get lodged in the tubing, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked. After much probing and prodding, a small tangerine dropped out of the bell. “Oh,” said the musician when I handed him the fruit. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, “My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece.” Contributed by Mark L. Madden

As I entered the elevator 
at our hospital, a disheveled-
looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations. I smiled knowingly and asked, 
“Does he look like you?” “I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.” S. M. K., via mail

A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.” Fred Karn, Kearney, Missouri

Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, 
recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a 
woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had 
bought her a beer. “I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.” “You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.” James Landis, 
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked. “Can you describe it?” I asked. “Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.” Charles Loeffler, Monument, Colorado

One of our interns asked 
another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k). “I’m considering it,” replied the second intern. Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned. “I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!” Rebekah Shue, Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it: • Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser • Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts Source: Topeka Capital-Journal • Free Vain Screening Source: Boston Globe • Free rent in exchange for elderly woman Source: 11points.com Submitted by James Hutchinson, Carroll Valley, Pennsylvania; Faith Adams, Topeka, Kansas; Annetta Boisselle, Melrose, Massachusetts

The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved 
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?” Samantha Earls, Wister, Oklahoma

I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me. “Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said. “Hi, Eddie,” she replied. “So you do remember me?” I asked. “Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but it is a lasting one.” Edward McMurray, Wayne, Michigan

My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I 
removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?” S. W., via mail

We were stocking up on 
green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl 
helping us for 15 pounds’ worth. “I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said. “Why?” I asked. “Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.” Kerri Ingle, Shelby, Ohio

The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. When I finally got to the 
window, I asked the clerk, “Does the never-ending line of loud people ever drive you crazy?” She shook her head. “We call it job security.” Alan Cliburn, Van Nuys, California

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?” Rachel Hester, Clover, South Carolina

Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell. Sign: Now Hiring Managers. [Two weeks later …] Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required. From notalwaysworking.com

Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of 
an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine. Gordon Knight, Stamford, Connecticut

Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him: “Shane, stop putting Some 
Assembly Required stickers on 
the eight-piece chickens.” “Shane, any free samples you 
give must come from the deli, not electronics.” “Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to 
Albertsons.” Source: foodbeast.com

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet. “What are you doing?” I asked. “Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin. “You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.” His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.” Jeffrey S. Carr, Jacksonville, North Carolina

A Briton flies into Australia 
and is asked by the immigration 
officer, “Do you have any felony 
convictions?” The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said. “It won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.” Kenneth Skaught, Lakewood, Washington

Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he’d been handed moments earlier. “It says here that I should announce that there will be no B.S. tomorrow morning,” he said. He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, “I’m hoping they mean ‘Bible Study.’” Barbara Geerts, Davenport, Iowa

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?” Sharon McGinley, Talbott, Tennessee

We’ve been over this before: 
Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these 
job seekers had gotten the memo. • Applicant acted out a Star Trek role. • Applicant asked for a hug. • Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits. • Applicant crashed her car into 
the building. From CareerBuilder’s 2014 Interview Blunders Survey

The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football 
players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there on the field.” Michele Metcalf, Louisville, Kentucky

It’s important that soldiers 
learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at 
inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from 
past gaffes: • “I was cold” is not a sufficient 
reason for being caught in the female barracks. • Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics. • Do not conduct live fire exercises at the general’s (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone. • Do not attempt to shave with fire. • Do not use 27 packs of sticky notes to label everything in the barracks 
so the general won’t have any questions during the inspection. From skippyslist.com

On Facebook, the English 
language has few friends. 
Three examples: Post: I can’t stand people 
that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb. Response: Their, their, calm down. Post: Is it me or does nobody have manors these days? Response: I just have a normal house. Post: I do not have patients for stupid today. Response: Patience.   Source: studentbeans.com, lamebook.com

Events had left my son-in-
law’s sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our 
two-year-old grandson was nearby 
to dispense words of wisdom. 
“Don’t cry,” he said. “Sometimes 
batteries die and toys break.” Perry Finkelman, West Hempstead, New York

While serving jury duty, 
I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one 
point, he picked up a piece of 
evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see 
an acronym on this receipt. What 
would CAR stand for?” The defendant replied, “Car.” Kristi Boerner, Fleming, Colorado

The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.” We’ll skip over the details and 
go straight to the signature: 
“Love, Constipated-Dog Owner.” Source: someecards.com

Scene: Our break room. Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins. Coworker #2: What’s that? Coworker #1: Vitamin D. Coworker #2: Why do you take that? Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun. Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan? Sally Churley, Cortland, Ohio

The bean soup I’d ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress. “This soup is awful,” I said. “I know,” she said. “I don’t like bean soup either.”  submitted by reader J. M.

To get my cousin to write to 
her even once, my aunt resorted to 
sending him a check with this note: “Do not cash until you write me a thank-you.” A few weeks later, the check had cleared, yet no message had arrived. So she called him. “I told you not to cash the check until you’d written to thank me,” she complained. “I didn’t cash the check,” he said. “I deposited it.” Mark Forman, Berkeley Heights, New Jersey

I recently stumbled upon 
my favorite new sports team. It’s 
a woman’s bowling squad called 
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter. Jacqueline Tessman, 
Benton Harbor, Michigan

The barbershop was crowded, 
so the woman at the cash register 
offered to put my name on the 
waiting list. “What is it?” she asked. “Stephen, with a P-H,” I said. Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?” Stephen Hudson, Falmouth, Maine

Working for a news organization is a tough job, as these world-weary tweets suggest: • News reporter: “The computer erased all the apostrophes in my story. Apparently I’m too possessive.” • Copy editor, as group of Cub Scouts gets a tour: “There it is, ‘Scared Straight: Newsroom Edition.’” • Producer: “Free food in the 
newsroom is like oxygen masks on an airplane. You get yours first, then 
you inform others.” Source: overheardinthenewsroom.com

The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped 
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I 
explained, “The last time someone 
gave me wings, I had to jump 
out of the airplane.” Col. David Jessop (Ret.), 
Rineyville, Kentucky

Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor because I “don’t sound professional enough.” From fmylife.com

“So what’s that brush for?” the new hire asked. “It’s used to clean toilet bowls in the lobby,” said the first manager. “Actually, it’s for scrubbing deep fryers,” said the second manager. “Well, I’ve been cleaning toilets with it,” said the first manager. “Um, I’m putting in for a new brush,” said the second manager. From notalwaysworking.com

I bragged to my boss that I didn’t need painkillers after a major surgery. His response: “This time, your evil superpowers came in handy.” Patricia Speilburg, Port Huron, Michigan

I discovered that I’d spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store’s “Feel the Comfort” sticker stuck to my body. More humiliating? It was attached to my left breast. Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York

We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly. Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.” Evelyn Wieland, Bay City, Michigan

I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.” @StefenColalillo On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to 
abbreviate, Mom. @HollyLouHarris My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.” @stefaniLegs

“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin. “Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.” “Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked. —Eyesha Sadiq, Woodland, California

Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman. Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin. Me: Oh, thank you. Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you. From notalwaysfriendly.com

At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber. “Maybe the list is alphabetical,” 
I offered. So he started searching from the bottom of the list: “Q … Q … Q …” Charity McTarsney, Deltona, Florida

My husband was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later—same ticket, same cop. “So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?” “Yes, I have,” said my husband. “I’ve learned I need to take a different way home from work.” Kimberly Owen, Paoli, Indiana

Faculty at our university had to file an explanation when they gave a grade of Incomplete. One semester, a professor’s report read “Student #1 contracted mononucleosis. Student #2 contracted pregnancy.” Bill Spencer, Cullowhee, North Carolina

A customer walked up to my 
bank window and asked me to cash 
a check. “Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.” She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot. “That’s me in the middle,” she said. Deborah Berkley, Yakima, Washington

One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from 
an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. “Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked. “No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.” Sherri Smith, Carrollton, Texas

I asked my brother-in-law, the 
father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?” “Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.” Sheila Lee, Lorain, Ohio

Asked to pick the worst year 
ever, film director Peter Segal chose 1848, “the year gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill. Until then, you could find a nice piece of land in California, pitch your tent, and call it home. 
The housing market here has been 
a living hell ever since.” Source: The Atlantic

I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl. 
I told her I didn’t. As I left a few minutes later, she yelled after me, “I hope you get the sex you want!” Melanie Riley, Lakemoor, Illinois

When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.” “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.” “Two thousand.” “We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?” “Five thousand!” We eloped to Spain. Mary Nichols, Arlington, Virginia

Here is the best-ever backhanded compliment from a kid about a present: “Dear Genie, thanks for the toy. I’ll play with it when I’m bored.” Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York

My young son declared, “When 
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t marry me either.” He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.” “You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried. Phlylis Showers, San Diego, California

One spring day I was taking the roll in my secretarial class at our local technical college. One of the sun worshipers was absent. "Cindy won't be here this afternoon?" I asked. "She went home to lay in the sun," a young woman in the front row answered. Trying to correct her grammar without embarrassing her before the class, I whispered, "Lie." "Okay," she replied in astonishment. "Cindy got sick and went home."
Contributed by Mary T. Upton

Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work," a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight." Contributed by Bill Dyson

I had spent the late winter months waiting impatiently for signs of spring. When the first warm, sunny Saturday arrived, I eagerly unlocked the storm door and stepped onto our patio deck. I was pleased by the sight of green sprouts and the sounds of singing birds. More than anything else, I delighted in the sweet aroma of the spring air. Knocking on the kitchen window, I beckoned to my wife to join me in enjoying the pleasures of the season. She quietly brought me back to earth when she reminded me that I was standing over the dryer vent, inhaling the scent of fabric softener. Contributed by George G. Busher

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers. Submitted by Joan Flood

On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked. “Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.” Submitted by Kirsten Wiley

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.” Submitted by Karla J. Kasper

My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.” Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?” Submitted by Robin Yedlock

Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?” “No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.” Submitted by Terri Cook