The Year That Was

What a whirlwind year 1993 was. In fact, so much happened soquickly that everything’s beginning to seem like a blur to us.Let’s see, Lorena Bobbitt starred in Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman,while her husband penned the best-selling autobiography PrivateParts (or was that RuPaul?). Julia Roberts married Roseanne andTom Arnold, and Whoopi Golberg dressed up as Michael Jackson inblackface. Author Anne Rice condemned the casting of KimBasinger as Tyrannosaurus rex. And, of course, who can’t forgetthe messy breakup between Woody Allen and his longtime love LoniAnderson? Okay, so maybe we’ve mixed up a few of the details.But you won’t have the same problem if you study the followingreview of the previous 365 days very closely.

The Pot Luck Club

Twenty-four years after Jack Nicholson learned to inhale inEasy Rider, America watched grass grow tall in the cultural garden.Marijuana — still illegal — broke hack into showbiz as a ’90s poptopic and prop. Musicians sent the strongest smoke signals. Dr.Dre’s The Chronic — named for a potent strain of dope-went tripleplatinum, and pro-pot activists Cypress Hill lit up the chartswith Black Sunday — featuring cuts like ”Hits From the Bong” and”legalize It.” The rap trio’s marijuana-logo merchandise took inmore than $2 million, while their preference for”blunts” — hollowed-out stogies that are the new smoking implementof choice — helped triple sales of Phillies Blunt cigars.

On screens large and small, comedy went to pot, again: RoryCochrane’s philosophical dealer in Dazed and Confused put olderheads in mind of toker prototype Spicoli from Fast Times atRidgement High, sublimely slothful Brad Pitt added a new accessoryto stoner chic with his honey-bear bong in True Romance; andall-American mom Roseanne Arnold shared the giggles with TV hubbyJohn Goodman after they lit up a 10-year-old stash on Roseanne.But times haven’t a-changed that much: In L.A., Heidi Fleiss palVictoria Sellers was caught holding an ounce and fined $211, whilerocker David Lee Roth paid $35 after he was nabbed buying a dimebag in Manhattan.

REALITY. WHAT A CONCEPT!

In August we offered in these pages a dozen titles — Pee-wee’s BigAdventure, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and Farewell MyLovely among them — for what seemed certain to be an oncoming rushof TV movies subtitled The John and Lorena Bobbitt Story. Yet fourmonths later there are, amazingly, no such projects. As the chartat right proves, transfixing tragedies were taken from the newsand re-launched as movies-of-the-week at an ever-accelerating ratethis year. Has the Bobbitts’ bombshell resisted retooling? Is thisparticular slice of reality too sensitive for the networks tohandle? Might we be spared more jokes like these in the future?

Naah.

REAL EVENT TV MOVIE DAYS

Amy Fisher’s CBS’ Casualties 229crime of love(5/19/92) (1/3/93)

Amy Fisher’s ABC’s The Amy 229crime Fisher Story(5/19/92) (1/3/93)

Amy Fisher’s NBC’s Amy 223crime Fisher: My Story(5/19/92) (12/28/92)

Siege of Koresh’s NBC’s In the 84Waco compound Line of Dutybegins (2/28/93) (5/23/93)

Baby Jessica ABC’s Whose 95adoption fight Child Is This?ends (8/2/99) (9/26/93)

GREAT PERFORMANCESLizard Queen

Few movie beasties have gotten more gasps than the titanicTyrannosaurus rex in Jurassic Park. She was the screen’s firstseemingly steroid-enhanced dino, muscles bulging beneath herscaly hide. And could that girl eat! With a scream like thelunch whistle from hell, Ms. T’s lightning-quick ingestion of anirksome lawyer was a special-effects showstopper. As one effectsexpert on the set put it, ”We have to see it eat somebody — it’stradition!”

FOR OUR CONTINUING COVERAGE OF 1993’S DINOSAURS, PLEASE TURN THEPAGE

GERITOL PARK

It’s not that they’re back. They never left. And they’re stillhuge, so why should they evolve? In a year that saw lower formsof newsmagazine overrun prime time, that old behemoth 60 Minutes,led by Mike Wallace, 75, marked its 25th anniversary by standingstill — near the top of the Nielsens. Murder, She Wrote’s AngelaLansbury, 68, swatted superman Steven Spielberg when he swoopeddown on her time slot with seaQuest DSV. (Oh yes, Lansbury alsotrounced that Lois & Clark guy.) Pete Townshend, 48, reminded usWho he’s been all along: His Tommy was a Tony-winning Broadwaysmash. The Chairman himself, Frank Sinatra, 78, hit the top 10 forthe first time since 1967 with his star-laden Duets album. AndOscar night should have been called the Night glint Eastwood GotRespect, thanks to the four awards given the 63-year-old’srevisionist Western, Unforgiven, which he followed with a summerhit, In the Line of Fire, and an autumnal succes d’estime, APerfect World. You want real showbiz power? Call the AARP.

Sex in Cinema

The instincts were still basic, but erotic expression wasbeguilingly muted in many of the year’s sexiest movies — provingthat the Anything Goes theory isn’t nearly as tantalizing asNothing Doing. Among the most provocative scenes: Emma Thompsonand Anthony Hopkins never even held hands in The Remains of theDay, but the tension was delicious when she backed him into acorner. Libidos were fired up when Harvey Keitel touched HollyHunter’s leg through a tiny tear in her stocking in The Piano.Daniel Day-Lewis disturbed one glove button and viewers’ pulseswhen he caressed Michelle Pfeiffer’s wrist in The Age ofInnocence. Jodie Foster shaved Richard Gere and nicked hearts inSommersby. Eating made for foreplay in Like Water for Chocolate.And in Sleepless in Seattle, when Meg Ryan stared at Tom Hanksacross a busy highway, romantics reached for their Puffs.

NOTABLE QUOTES

HANK: ”I went to see that movie The Crying Game because you gaveit such it big rating.”

GENE: ”It’s a great film.”

HANK: ”…Yeah. What’s all the hoopla? There’s supposed to be thisfantastic plot twist, and frankly, I didn’t see it.”

GENE: ”You’re kidding.”

HANK: ”No… no.”

GENE: ”You’re not kidding. Hank, Stephen Rea’s character, thewoman he falls in love with — ”

HANK: ”That dark-skinned cutie?”

GENE: ”She turns out to be a man.”

HANK: (pause) ”I don’t think so.”

— JEFFREY TAMBOR as Larry’s sidekick, Hank, chatting with GeneSiskel as himself, on The Larry Sanders Show

GREAT PERFORMANCESYoung and the Restless

Last year Neil Young stole the Dylan Tribute show. This year,pricking the bloated postmod pageantry of the MTV Video MusicAwards, the grunge godfather, 48, put on an equally rejuvenatingdemonstration when he joined Pearl Jam for a shivering renditionof his ”Rockin’ in the Free World.” Young (right) whirledjoyously in a feedback storm, launching ferocious whammy-barduels with Stone Gossard (left) and pogo-ing like a pubescentpunk with bassist Jeff Ament (center). His epilepticfervor — matched in intensity if not motion by front man EddieVedder — was a welcome reminder of what made rock a verb in thefirst place.

Members of the Academy

For the second year in a row, Harvey Keitel let it all hang out.After dropping trou in 1992’s Bad Lieutenant, the immodest Keitelstood naked before a speechless Holly Hunter in The Piano. In hishonor, we present the first annual Harveys, for male nudity aboveand beyond the call of duty:

THE JIM MORRISON HARVEY FOR GRATUITOUS ROCK & ROLL EXPOSURE: BlindMelon’s Shannon Hoon, who, reportedly blind drunk, took theliberty of relieving himself on stage during a Halloween-nightconcert in Vancouover. Runners-up: Rage Against the Machine, forperforming in the raw with ”PMRC” (a reference to Tipper Gore’sParents’ Music Resource Center) scrawled on their chests at theJuly Lollapalooza show in Philadelphia.

THE WHIZ-RID HARVEY FOR BEST URINATION SCENE: Huey Lewis, who tookan impressively long leak in Short Cuts. Runner-up: RobinWilliams, for standing over a toilet while wearing a dress in Mrs.Doubtfire.

THE LORENA BOBBITT HARVEY FOR EXCESSIVE SNIPPING: The MotionPicture Association of America, for excising from the trailer forSix Degrees of Separation a close-up of Adam’s genitals fromMichelangelo’s Sistine Chapel fresco. Runner-up: Sliver directorPhillip Noyce, for implying that Billy Baldwin would bare all,then never showing us Billy’s willy.

THE KEN DOLL HARVEY FOR ANATOMICAL INCORRECTNESS: SylvesterStallone, for coyly covering his privates in Demolition Man andon the cover of Vanity Fair. Runner-up: John Wayne Bobbitt.

CHEERS: THE NEXT ROUND

Boy, the Cheers gang sure looked like they were having a good timeharassing Jay Leno live on The Tonight Show after the series’ May20 ratings-bonanza finale. But who had the biggest hangover thenext day? We rate the cast’s post-Cheers careers from one to fourbeer mugs:

TED DANSON Makin’ Whoopi — and Made in America — fizzled, but hemight hit box office pay dirt next year playing Macaulay Culkin’spop in Getting Even With Dad. [Three Beer Mugs]

SHELLEY LONG A mysteriously ill Long couldn’t answer the bell forthe second season of her low-rated CBS sitcom Good Advice. Nowit’s back in production, but has anyone missed it? [One Beer Mug]

KIRSTIE ALLEY Look Who’s Talking Now was a big dog, but all thisgifted comic actress needs is a good script. So she cowrote afilm for herself, Hold On Tight, currently in development.[Three Beer Mugs]

WOODY HARRELSON Mr. Big-Time Movie Star has been busy on two sets,as a serial flake in Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers and asKiefer Sutherland’s saddle pal in The Cowboy Way. [Four Beer Mugs]

KELSEY GRAMMER You think maybe the other cast members are a tadjealous that Frasier got his own spin-off?. And that NBC scheduledit to air right after Seinfeld? [Four Beer Mugs]

GEORGE WENDT He might get his own NBC sitcom, but we bet it won’tair after Seinfeld. Points off for working with lame-o John Candy,who directed him in Fox’s TV film Hostage for a Day. [Two Beer Mugs]

RHEA PERLMAN Roger & Me director Michael Moore got her to play apistol-packing deputy in Canadian Bacon. Points off for workingwith John Candy, who stars in Bacon. [One Beer Mug]

JOHH RATZENBERGER He’s directing the indie film Stuck, aboutpeople in an elevator, and hosts cable’s American Hobbies andPastimes. If those don’t work, they’re hiring at the postoffice. [One Beer Mug]

CLINTON, UNPLUGGED

First came the coos and wooing of the honeymoon period — then camethe bleary reality of the marriage. During their first severalmonths in Washington, Bill and Hillary Clinton seemed to averageat least one celeb meeting a week. Hillary invited Liza Minnellito stay at the White House; Bill invited Paul McCartney to comeover and play. Sharon Stone dined with the President. BarbraStreisand, Billy Crystal, Michael Douglas, and Richard Dreyfussall got onto the agenda, When Don Johnson flew to D.C. last May,the woman who met him at the gate reportedly said, ”Welcome toHollywood East!”

But the pundits blitzed Clinton for keeping glitzy, ditzycompany, and after his infamous $200 haircut tied up L.A.’sairport, Bill cooled his jets, admitting he’d pulled ”a boner.””Has the administration gone Hollywood?” he asked. ”The answerto that is no, heck no, never, no, never, never.” Say what youwill about Tinseltown — it got the President to utter his firstfirm policy statement.

Attorney General Janet Reno’s October threat to censor violententertainment put more distance between the administration and theleft coast, so that in early December he felt bold enough to visita Democratic fund-raiser in Hollywood arranged by Creative ArtistsAgency chairman Michael Ovitz, giving stars like Tom Hanks, GlennClose, Geena Davis, Sally Field, and Dustin Hoffman a more dulcetversion of Reno’s censorship threat. Hollywood applauded wildly.Some major players associated with CAA archrival ICM (whichhandles Michelle Pfeiffer, Mel Gibson, Richard Gere, and JuliaRoberts) were reportedly up in arms over not being invited to thefete.

Clinton’s spontaneous, fervent embrace of Schindler’s List has nodoubt won him more boosters in La-La Land. He had better becareful, though: A June ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY poll showed that 87percent of Americans wanted celebs to have zero special influenceon government.

GREAT PERFORMANCESSmooth Operator

Michelle Pfeiffer’s Countess Olenska may have burned morebrightly in her despairing desire, but it was Winona Ryder, asthe virtuous May Welland, who wove the silken strength of aspiders web through The Age of Innocence. Ryder’s Welland neverstooped to conquer as she drew Newland Archer (Daniel Day-Lewis)away from the countess and into the bonds of a ”brilliant”upper-crust marriage. Yet once he was secured at the center ofher world, she wasted no time wrapping him in shame for hisadventure. Cover your breasts, Joan Collinses of the world, andthrow out those shoulder pads — scheming isn’t just for hussiesanymore.

Fight Gallery

They’re famous. They’re ferocious. And they’re a-fussin’ anda-feudin’. The primary difference between these celebritycombatants and heavyweight boxers Evander Holyfield and RiddickBowe is that no one parachuted into the middle of their bouts.

TOM ARNOLD VS. JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS First blow: In March, afterparking her car in Arnold’s spot on the CBS lot where theirshows are taped, Louis-Dreyfus finds an obscene note and aPolaroid of someone’s hairy derriere on her windshield.Counterpunch: With her Seinfeld costar Jason Alexander,Louis-Dreyfus confronts Tom and the missus, Roseanne; shoutingfollows. Decision: Denying that the butt was Tom’s and sayingthat parking in others’ spaces is ”immoral,” Roseanne calls atruce.

GARTH BROOKS VS. USED-CD DEALERS First blow: In Julymegamillion-selling country star Brooks threatens to withhold hisalbums from stores that sell used CDs, calling the practice”evil.” Counterpunch: Retailers thumb their noses, especiallyafter Brooks’ new album, In Pieces, doesn’t match the sales of hisearlier efforts. Decision: Brooks drops his boycott but goes downswinging: ”If I’m going to get crucified for doing what’s right,that’s cool.”

DR. DRE VS. EAZY-E First blow: In his April video ”Dre Day,” thenot-so-good doctor depicts his ex-N.W.A mate as a haplesshomeless person with a sign that says ”Will rap for food.”Counterpunch: Eazy-E entitles his album It’s’ On (Dr. Dre) 187UM Killa, which translates as a death threat against Dre.Decision: Dre’s The Chronic goes triple platinum; Eazy-E’srecord debuts in the top 10, then plummets.

ANNE RICE VS. TOM CRUISE First blow: In August, the best-sellingauthor condemns the casting of Cruise as Euro-vamp Lestat in theupcoming screen version of her novel Interview With the Vampire,saying, ”Cruise is no more my Vampire Lestat than Edward G.Robinson is Rhett Butler.” Counterpunch: Cruise ducks, claimingthe criticism hurt his feelings. ”I hope to prove a lot ofpeople wrong,” he says. Decision: To be determined by Vampire’sbox office bite next year.

BEYOND WORDS

They couldn’t leave well enough alone. It wasn’t enough for themto be just best-selling or prize-winning authors. They had to takea stab at big-shot status in another field of entertainment. Thenagain, if Fabio can write a novel…

ROBERT JAMES WALLER The novelist sold a gajillion copies of TheBridges of Madison County. So he got the bright idea to record acountry album, The Ballads of Madison County, croaking a fewtunes he penned in the spirit of the book as well as covers ofsuch hoary gems as ”Wabash Cannonball.” Forget No. 1 — the recorddidn’t crack the Billboard Top 200.

RUSSELL BAKER The New York Times columnist has won the PulitzerPrize. Twice. Though he humbly said he didn’t want to be ”theman who succeeded Alistair Cooke,” Baker took the job as host ofMasterpiece Theatre in October. Shifting nervously in hisarmchair and using his hands as he talks — a TV no-no — Bakerstill hasn’t settled into the position.

MAYA ANGELOU Her Inaugural ode On the Pulse of the Morning puther back on the best-seller list. Poetic Justice put her wordsin Janet Jackson’s mouth and her face on the wide screen. Thenshe played Oprah Winfrey’s salt-of-the-earth mom in the TV movieThere Are No Children Here. ”She’s supposed to represent thesoul of seasoned wisdom,” Tom Shales wrote in The WashingtonPost, ”but she comes off more like a royal pain in the butt.”

Look Homeward, Angie

Since Angie Dickinson refused to appear on This Is Your Life lastmonth, we can only imagine what host Pat Sajak would have said…

”Well, Angie, you won Hollywood’s Golden Garter Award for the BestLegs of 1962, and I see your stems haven’t wilted yet. Those gamsdanced out of lovely Kulm, N.D, pop. 584. Born Sept. 30, 1931, youentered a beauty contest that landed you at 22 on the chorus lineat The Colgate Comedy Hour and — lucky you! — in the Doris Day flickLucky Me. Crusty, lovable director Howard Hawks cast you with JohnWayne in Rio Bravo, and soon you were dancing with JFK at hisInaugural Ball. Marriage to unknown Burt Bacharach sidelined yourcareer in 1965. But in 1974, you reenlisted as Police Woman’s Sgt.Pepper — a name you picked. Brian De Palma had you slashed to deathin his 1980 masterpiece, Dressed to Kill. Recently, Sharon Stonecalled you her idol. Your Wild Palms miniseries tanked in 1993,but as the ranch boss in Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, 1994 maybe your best year yet. Until then, Angie Dickinson, this is yourlife!”

WAYNE’S WORLD

How do we know Wayne Knight was the center of the entertainmentuniverse in 1993? 1. He played the slimy (and slimed-upon)computer hacker in biggest-movie-of-all-time Jurassic Park,without whom there would have been no mayhem and therefore noplot (though there would have been a considerably neatercomputer work area). 2. He co-stars in three NBC series thisseason: He’s Kramer’s grouchy postal-worker pal Newman onSeinfeld, a newspaper editor on The Second Half, and a localyokel on Against the Grain. 3. He’s Oscar winner Emma Thompson’sbest American friend in real life (”She’s got a strange choicein friends,” is how Knight explains it). 4. He’s made of densematter.

Tune That Name

No, you can’t call me Al. In the game of the name, informalitylost out this year — for reasons ranging from politics topublicity. Following the cue of actor Larry — sorry, Laurence(”because I’m a grown man now”) — Fishburne, the music industrywitnessed a rash of new noms de showbiz.

WORD COUNT IS IN THE HOUSE: Rick Rubin’s Def American Recordingsburied (literally) the ”Def” from its name in an Aug. 27”ceremony of honored entombment” at Hollywood’s Chapel of thePsalms, with 500 mourners, a horse-drawn hearse, and a six-piecebrass band. The Rev. Al Sharpton delivered the explanatoryeulogy: ”[Def] lost its exclusivity to the in, defiant crowd. Itdied of terminal acceptance.”

NOW THE CHINESE CALL HIM PRETZEL: Slipping off the front pages,Minneapolis’ paisley superstar — once known by the mundaneunimoniker of Prince — switched, on his 35th birthday on June 7,to the unpronounceable [symbol], a marriage of the universalsymbols for male and female. He made sure to send severalthousand computer disks with the glyph to the print media.

HIS KRISTIAN NAME: Lanky Nirvana bassist Chris Novoselic — activein relief efforts in the former Yugoslavia — reverted to hisgiven name, Krist, in solidarity with his embattled Croatian kin.

MINTED BY LAWYERS: Campy video-rockers Green Jello, underpressure from ominously powerful Jell-O manufacturer GeneralFoods, turned to Green Jelly.

HITSVILLE, U.S.A.

Daniel Day-Lewis and Snoop Doggy Dogg have something in commonbesides wiry physiques and two names that start with the letterd. Both ran afoul of the law this year, though their allegedcrimes were hardly comparable. And they weren’t the only starsbusted in 1993, as the blotter shows:

MARCH 7Former Different Strokes big bro Todd Bridges is arrested in L.A.for knifing his housemate. No charges are brought against Bridges,who claims it was self-defense in a fight over rent. (On Dec. 9,Bridges is found guilty of narcotics and weapons offenses in anunrelated 1992 incident; he gets five years’ probation and isordered into a live-in drug-treatment program for a year.)

AUG. 27Ugly Kid Joe’s Whitfield Crane IV is charged with feloniousassault and ”inciting to violence,” following a raucous Columbus,Ohio, concert at which a guard says he was attacked. Both felonycharges are dismissed. Crane pleads no contest to a disorderlyconduct charge and pays $100.

SEPT. 2Rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg is charged in L.A. with first-degreemurder. Police say Dogg (Calvin Broadus) drove the Jeep from whichhis bodyguard, McKinley Lee, shot L.A. gang member PhillipWoldemariam. Claiming self-defense, Dogg is released on a $1million bond. A pre-trial hearing is set for Jan. 20.

SEPT. 13Westchester County, N.Y., police pull over a Dodge clocked at 78mph and registered to NBC, and issue David Letterman a ticket. Hepays $125.

SEPT. 27A British court finds actor Daniel Day-Lewis guilty of driving hismotorcycle over 102 mph to catch a ferry in Plymouth. He is fined$370 and banned from driving for a week.

SEPT. 30B-52’s singer Kate Pierson is arrested with seven others fromPeople for the Ethical Treatment of Animals after covering Vogue’sManhattan offices with stickers protesting fur ads.

OCT. 31Rapper-actor Tupac Shakur is charged with aggravated assault forallegedly shooting two off-duty Georgia cops. Shakur is free on$50,000 bail. A Dec. 1 hearing sends the case to a grand jury; nodate has been set.

NOV. 1Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav (William Drayton) is charged withattempted murder and illegal weapons possession for allegedlyshooting at a New York man, apparently in a fight over a woman.He pays $15,000 bail. The first charge is dropped; a grand jurygets the other charge in January.

NOV. 18Shakur is arrested again, this time for sexual abuse of a20-year-old woman in a Manhattan hotel suite. He posts a $50,000bond. On Dec. 16, he pleads not guilty. Another hearing is set forlater in December.

NOV. 18Pearl Jam’s Eddie Vedder is charged with drunkenness anddisturbing the peace after he and White Sox pitcher Jack McDowellscuffle with New Orleans bar patrons. He is released on a $600bond. No court date is set yet.

GREAT PERFORMANCESMarshal Artist

Flashing his badge and firing off commands to begin the manhuntand to get him coffee — and maybe one of those doughnuts with thesprinkles — Tommy Lee Jones established pretty damn quick who wasboss dog in The Fugitive. With every implacable look and electricjolt of his voice, Jones’ U.S. Marshal Sam Gerard fairly buzzedwith the thrill of the chase. Face-to-face in a water main,Harrison Ford’s Richard Kimble protests his innocence as he holdsa gun on Gerard, who shares his own elemental truth with theescapee: ”I don’t care.” But by film’s end the resolute hunter iscornered by his own sense of fair play, and our man Jones hadcaptured a new repute for his heroic presence.

Speech Pits

Awards shows — we like them, we really like them. Is it thefabulous production numbers, dazzling dresses, and heartfeltacceptance speeches? Nope, it’s the political diatribes, live-TVscrewups, and sheer hypocrisy we treasure.

BRING BACK SACHEEN LITTLEFEATHER: At the Oscars, SusanSarandon and Tim Robbins urge the U.S. to allow HIV-positiveHaitians into the country, and Dalai Lama pal Richard Gereencourages the ceremony’s 1 billion viewers to send telepathicmessages of ”love and truth” to Chinese despot Deng Xiaoping sothat he’ll free Tibet.

NO WONDER THEY CALL HIM NO-SHOW: When George Jones fails toappear at the podium to pick up his Country Music Associationaward, his wife, Nancy, accepts its and says, ”He must be in thebathroom.” (Jones, in fact, was in the bathroom and was distraughtto learn he had missed his moment.)

WHAT A DRAG: RuPaul, resplendent in sequins, and Milton Berleengage in this hostile exchange at the MTV Video Music Awards:Berle: ”You know, RuPaul, I used to wear gowns too.” RuPaul: ”Andnow you wear diapers.” Berle: ”You wanna ad-lib, lemme check mybrains, and we’ll start even.”

SOMETHING SMELLS FISHY: After Scent of a Woman sweeps theGolden Globes, it is revealed that Universal had flown many of the 87members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association (the Globes’voting body) to New York for a private screening of Scent and ameeting with its star, Al Pacino.

OBLIGATORY BOBBITT ITEM: Barbara Walters lectures the TVindustry during an alleged tribute to the medium at the Emmys: ”Itis time that we, not the commissions and panels, concern ourselveswith doing something about violence and moral values ontelevision.” Less than a week later, she promotes a 20/20interview with Lorena the lopper.

WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE

Memo to Kevin Costner: 1. Never let her out of your sight. 2.Never fall in love. 3. Never let her land at Kennedy.

Whitney Houston and her entourage have good reason not to use NewYork’s John F. Kennedy International Airport anymore: At leastnine Port Authority cops with guns drawn surrounded Houston’slimousine as she returned from a monthlong tour of Japan on Sept.29. The police, who later apologized, claim they mistook her carfor a drug courier’s. No doubt. Two days later, one of Houston’sbackup singers, Olivia McClurkin, also had her limo stoppedoutside Kennedy — this time two armed robbers slashed her luggage,apparently looking for drugs. And I-ee-I-ee-I…will alwaysfly into Newark from now on.

NAILED DOWN

You know what a control freak Barbra Streisand is. You know she’sgot only a few days left before her multimillion-dollar, two-nightNew Year’s gig to consecrate the new MGM Grand resort in LasVegas. Think of the errands! Think of the time crunch! With allher running around, the supermegasuperstar probably hasn’t beenable to make up a to do list. Thank heavens somebody has:

Visit Donna Karan showroom.

Call White House to schedule welfare reform brainstormingsession with Bill C.

Schedule meeting with Larry Kramer to discuss draft No. 17 ofThe Normal Heart.

Borrow Lincoln Bedroom furniture from Hillary C. (be sure toreturn!)

Sell the Art Deco (don’t take less than $1 million).

Buy the 18th-century Americana.

Lunch with Glenn Close re military haircut for The Col.Margarethe Cammermeyer Story.

Send four dozen yellow roses to Barbara Walters for gettingthe lighting right during interview.

Reserve limo to pick Andre Agassi up for concert.

Turn Malibu rec room into world center of planet preservation(fireproof, hang mezuzah).

Up monthly contrib to Mom from $1,000 to $1,200.

Get manicure!!!

Dicey Casting

Attorney General Janet Reno calls today’s entertainment bad forkids. We like to think of it more as a crapshoot. Every time achild turns on a TV or steps into a theater, the tyke is sentclattering across the gaming table of cultural role models. Thetot may land among wholesome exemplars or bump into archetypes ofcorruption. Sure, it’s a gamble — something a woman named Renoought to understand. Care to try your luck?

LAWYERSLucky Seven: Sam Waterston as I’ll Fly Away’s earnest ForrestBedford. Makes Atticus Finch look scummy. Snake Eyes: Gene Hackmanas The Firm’s morally bankrupt Avery Tolar. Makes Roy Cohn looknoble.

LIARSLucky Seven: Tim Allen as Tim Taylor. Home Improvement’s littlewhite fibber puts up a good domestic front. Snake Eyes: JohnMalkovich as Mitch Leary. In the Line of Fire’s big bad killerputs up dangerous false fronts.

CLIMBERSLucky Seven: Janine Turner as rescuer Jessie Deighan inCliffhanger. She makes spunk seem sexy again. Snake Eyes: LauraLeighton as schemer Sydney Andrews on Melrose Place. She makessluts seem sleazy again.

COMMANDERSLucky Seven: Michael Chiklis as head cop Tony Scali on TheCommish. Abrupt, but huggable. Snake Eyes: Ralph Fiennes as AmonGoeth, Nazi camp commandant in Schindler’s List. Corrupt andhateable.

PLACEHOLDERSLucky Seven: Terry Kiser as the corpse in Weekend at Bernie’s II.Less stiff than Andrew McCarthy. Snake Eyes: Andy Richter, ConanO’Brien’s sidekick on Late Night. Less talented than Ed McMahon.

SISTER ACTSIt was the Year of the Woman. Oh wait, that was supposed to belast year. This was the year after the Year of the Woman, whenaudiences had their pick of mixed messages to bolster whateverparticular position they held about the unsettled state of theSecond Sex as represented in popular culture, 1993:

ONE STEP FORWARD

Holly Hunter’s Ada is eccentrically autonomous in The Piano,choosing not to speak, choosing to ignore her husband, choosingto pursue an affair.

Brett Butler’s Grace is eccentrically defiant on ABC’s GraceUnder Fire, dating men on her own terms as she raises her kidsalone.

Connie Chung on the CBS Evening News infiltrated the currentclub of Lone White Guys as network anchors.

k.d. lang will never be confused with any Judd.

Emma Thompson’s movie characters will never be confused withthose of Demi Moore.

TWO STEPS BACK

Emma Thompson won her ’92 Oscar with little competition becausethere had been so few other dramatically meaty movie roles forwomen — a drought that continued throughout the year.

Women were commodities bought and sold by men in Mad Dog andGlory and Indecent Proposal (in which Robert Redford purchased theeasily unclothed Ms. Moore).

Older male stars were paired with considerably younger women inIn the Line of Fire (Clint Eastwood and Rene Russo) and JurassicPark (Sam Neill and Laura Dern), rather than with female starstheir own age.

Speaking of Jurassic, why was Neill’s character, a Ph.D., listedin the credits as Grant while Dern’s character, a Ph.D., waslisted as Ellie?

Speaking of prehistoric, why did Juliana Hatfield say that girlscan’t be guitar gods? ”I haven’t seen any…that are anythingspecial,” she spouted.

RUNNING IN PLACE

Heidi Fleiss threatened Hollywood’s old-boy network when sheemerged as the newest apologist for the world’s oldest profession.

Jane Fonda, having played the roles of sex kitten, politicalradical, and aerobics goddess to the hilt, recast herself as amedia mogul’s wife.

Roseanne Arnold, the blue-collar heroine, continued herplastic-surgery renovation of her own body. (She also continuedto drum up backfiring headlines through such ploys as the hoaxmenage a trois wedding announced for herself, Tom Arnold, andTom’s former assistant Kim Silva.)

Sharon Stone stole Naomi MacDonald’s husband, Bill, producerof that sizzle-less voyeuristic fantasy Sliver (in which Stonestarred). Naomi then stole Geraldine Eszterhas’ husband, Joe,screenwriter of Sliver.

Camille Paglia continued to opine about sexual politics andget publicity even though the average person has no idea what shestands for, or why.

Blunderstruck

We can forgive Ted Danson. Everyone can be politically incorrectonce. It’s the repeat offenders we’re concerned with — the peoplewho can’t seem to stop putting their feet in their mouths (ortheir flags between their legs, as the case may be):

MADONNA Oct. 26: On the San Juan leg of her Girlie Show concerttour, she wantonly pulls the Puerto Rican flag between her thighs;the Puerto Rican House of Representatives unanimously passes aresolution condemning her. Nov. 17: As a gift from a localpromoter in Sydney, Australia, Madonna receives a didgeridoo, anaboriginal wind instrument that by honored tradition women aren’tallowed to touch. Oblivious to her own offensiveness, she carriesit around, enraging tribal elders.

NBC NEWS Feb. 9: Dateline NBC apologizes for rigging a GM truckwith explosives for a supposedly scientific crash-testdemonstration; the scandal forces NBC News president MichaelGartner to resign. Sept. 30: NBC Nightly News executive producerJeff Gralnick comes under fire for giving low priority to coverageof an earthquake in India that killed 10,000 people because, hesays, there was ”not a hell of a lot of movement to it, not a lotof pictures.” Oct. 12: During a staff meeting, Gralnick refers toSomali warlord Mohamed Farrah Aidid as ”an educated jungle bunny”;he later says it is ”a phrase I do not condone” but one ”thatexists in many people’s minds in the United States.”

MARKY MARK January: The rapper/underwear model angers gay groupsby seeming to support reggae star Shabba Ranks, who said gaysshould be ”crucified”; Mark repents: ”I’m not gay, but I don’thave a problem with gay people. My uncle is gay.” Feb 16: TheVillage Voice reveals that in 1986, Mark, at 15, harassed a groupof black schoolchildren and, in 1988, spent 45 days in aMassachusetts jail for the racially motivated beating of aVietnamese man. Mark issues a public apology. July 31: In a clashof the politically incorrect titans, Mark and Madonna get into afight at Truth or Dare director Alek Keshishian’s birthday party.Her allegation: Mark called one of her entourage ”a homo.” His:She mouthed off first.

Lo-Cal Heroes

The success of voluptuous Guess? model Anna Nicole Smithnotwithstanding, it was a fat-free year, with cadaverous modelKate Moss (left) serving as poster girl for thinness andmillions swearing by the diet advice of Susan Powter, a manic,sinewy woman with a hairdo of bleached stubble. Celebs worked atwhittling too — although some (that’s you, Roger Ebert) stilllook more like pugs than whippets.

GREAT PERFORMANCESUnion Man

Amid the hordes of Gettysburg, one figure stood out: JeffDaniels as Col. Joshua Chamberlain of Maine, who held the Unionline at Little Round Top. Eyes red from staring at death,Daniels’ colonel was an aching portrait of a man finding his ownstrength and decency. While researching the role in Maine, theactor asked locals what Chamberlain’s flaws were: ”He didn’thave any, they said.” Daniels’ achievement was to let us see theman and the saint.

RETURN OF THE LIVING/DEAD

One Actually was dead — the others just seemed that way. But 1993revived all manner of comatose careers:

ROCKY CLIMBING Frozen into the grunting Manly Man mold of hisRocky and Rambo franchises, Sylvester Stallone expertly ascendedCliffhanger’s icy slopes, quickly erasing memories of his comedicflops Oscar and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. Combined withCliffhanger’s $84 million gross, his return to explosion-happyform in Demolition Man ($54.8 million) proved that this actionhero still packs heat.

OLD-FASHIONED COOKIN’ Bulky crooner Meat Loaf — at one pointdubbed ”the heftiest footnote in rock history” — plunged from themega-success of 1977’s Bat Out of Hell to an ’80s purgatory ofbankruptcy and litigation. Going back to the basics, his Bat Outof Hell II debuted at No. 3 on the Billboard pop chart, sent anepic-length video for ”I’ll Do Anything for Love” into heavy MTVrotation, and has since sold more than 2 million copies.Leftovers, anyone?

WANNA BETTE? The Divine One had a bumpy summer riding Disney’smediocre witch comedy Hocus Pocus, but Bette Midler flouncedback this fall with a sold-out, 30-date gig at Radio City MusicHall and capped the year with a diva turn as Mama Rose in TV’sGypsy, bewitching 26.2 million viewers.

HAIR FORCE Blow-dried synth-pop pioneers Duran Duran sold 20million albums in the ’80s and helped define the new medium ofMTV with their lavish location videos — before being backlashedinto obscurity. Pushed by Capitol, the platinum Duran Duran,released in February, sailed the bubble-gum rockers back intothe MTV fold, and raised the hopes of hairspray makers everywhere.

FINE OLD AGE Unlike many ”classic” authors, Edith Wharton was abest-selling novelist in her lifetime, which ended in 1937.Although the screen version of her Ethan Frome stiffed, MartinScorsese’s adaptation of The Age of Innocence returned thewriter to the spotlight, vaulting her novel back ontobest-seller lists 73 years after it was first published. Eatyour heart out, Virginia Woolf.

GREAT PERFORMANCESGo Fishburne

As Ike Turner in What’s Love Got to Do With It, Laurence Fishburnewas a hip-swiveling, cool-crooning, wife-beating monster. Nattyin tailored attire for the ’50s, bewigged and bell-bottomed forthe ’60s, Fishburne’s Ike cast just enough seductive glances tokeep Angela Bassett’s Tina hooked — and audiences hissing at histransparent villainy. The hissing stopped when he suddenlyunleashed a brutal torrent of words and blows against her thatleft viewers stunned by his abusive power. Love didn’t even enterthe picture for Ike; as for Fishburne’s potent portrayal, talent’sgot everything to do with it.

Cut! Print It!

You had to be pretty detached from Thing, uh, things not to noticethat 1993 was a big year for amputation at the movies. And whilethe Addams Family’s pet pointer would no doubt find it a drag tohave a body trailing after it, many of us might have sat easierin our seats if some clips of the clipped had landed on thecutting-room floor. Granted, it was a stitch to see that fetchingcorpse Sally sew her own arm back on in Tim Burton’s The NightmareBefore Christmas. And The Fugitive would have been nowhere withoutHarrison Ford’s disarming struggle with an assassin. But did wereally need the cold comfort of Samuel Jackson’s inanimate handclasping Laura Dern’s shoulder in Jurassic Park? Or the whackycorrectives — don’t ax — inflicted in The Piano and Farewell MyConcubine? Talk about separation anxiety. Of course, these werechopped liver compared with how love found a way to reduceSherilyn Fenn to a talking torso in Boxing Helena. Well, we’llhave to break it off here. If you’re thinking about John Bobbitt’somission, rest assured — so is he.

The Allegedly True Adventures of a Lot Famous People YouProbably Now Know More About Than You Do About YourNext-Door Neighbor

To every gossip item there is a season. And a time, apparently,to every tabloid headline under heaven. Here’s ouryear-at-a-glance cheat sheet of what Shannen, Woody, Whoopi,Jacko, Loni, JFK Jr., and company were supposedly doing to whomand when — and how much it shook up our otherwise ordinary lives.

JANUARY No dirt in the frozen ground

EYE-ROLLINGEven Shannen Doherty is too sluggish to go brawling in bars.

FEBRUARY Woody or wouldn’t he

TONGUE-WAGGINGExpert says Mia Farrow doctored tape of daughter Dylan accusingWoody Allen of sexual abuse.

[EYE-ROLLING]Michael Jackson tells Oprah he adores Brooke Shields.

MARCH Dirt loosens in early spring

HAIR-RAISINGSharon Store is engaged to (married) Sliver producer BillMacDonald.

[TONGUE-WAGGING]Woody and Mia’s custody trial begins

[EYE-ROLLING]Jackson and Michael Milken announce plans to start an entertainment/educational cable network.

APRIL The Stone story rolls

[HAIR-RAISING]Wronged wife Naomi MacDonald loves (married) Sliver screenwriterJoe Eszterhas!

[TONGUE-WAGGING]First predictions of JFK Jr.-Daryl Hannah May wedding appear.

MAY Shannen gets busy

HEAD-SPINNINGShannen’s boyfriend files restraining order against hisrampaging sweetheart

[TONGUE-WAGGING]Whoopi Goldberg-Ted Danson romance widely reported.

[EYE-ROLLING]Judd Nelson, dining out with then gal Shannen, kicks Dallaswoman in head.

JUNE Gossip in bloom

[HEAD-SPINNING]Julia Roberts marries Lyle Lovett.

[HAIR-RAISING]Alleged Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss is arrested in her home.

[TONGUE-WAGGING]Burt Reynolds files for divorce from Loni Anderson.

[EYE-ROLLING]Mia wins custody battle; JFK Jr. to move to D.C. with Daryl.

JULY Fleiss fever

[HEAD-SPINNING]Authorities find little black book in Heidi’s home.

[HAIR-RAISING]Menendez murder trial opens in L.A. — brothers Erik and Lyleclaim sexual abuse.

[TONGUE-WAGGING]Burt reportedly wooing a cocktail waitress ”friend.”

[EYE-ROLLING]Loni begs Burt to ”start over.”

AUGUST Hot, humid sex scandals

[HEAD-SPINNING]Police investigate charges that Jackson sexually abused a13-year-old boy.

[HAIR-RAISING]Heidi pleads not guilty to pandering and drug charges.

[TONGUE-WAGGING]Woody gives Soon-Yi Previn her own chauffeured car.

[EYE-ROLLING]Burt admits fling with cocktail waitress.

SEPTEMBER Wedding bells

[HEAD-SPINNING]Shannen marries rehabbed Ashley Hamilton, 19.

[HAIR-RAISING]Lyle Menendez details sexual abuse, says video-exec fatherthreatened to kill him.

[TONGUE-WAGGING]Will JFK Jr. and Daryl marry in the Hamptons?

OCTOBER Terrible twosomes

[HEAD-SPINNING]Ted appears in blackface at Friars Club roast for Whoopi.

[HAIR-RAISING]Joey Buttafuoco admits to sex with Amy Fisher; Naomi MacDonaldpregnant by Eszterhas.

[TONGUE-WAGGING]Molestation charges dropped against Woody; have JFK Jr. andDaryl broken up?

[EYE-ROLLING]Heidi phones up Howard Stern.

NOVEMBER Turkey time

[HEAD-SPINNING]Jackson vanishes — reportedly in London rehab center.

[HAIR-RAISING]JFK Jr. seen kissing New Blond.

[TONGUE-WAGGING]Ted and Whoopi’s romance reportedly kaput.

[EYE-ROLLING]Home Shopping Network refuses to carry line of Heidi Fleisssleepwear.

DECEMBER Icy blasts

[HEAD-SPINNING]Beverly Hills, 90210 reportedly gives Shannen the shaft.

[HAIR-RAISING]Jackson returns to U.S. to face charges.

[EYE-ROLLING]JFK Jr. seen back with Daryl…or is he with Carolyne Bessette,a PR director for Calvin Klein.?

WITHERING HYPES

For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these:’What might have been.”’ John Greenleaf Whittier wasn’t lamentingthe entertainment shortfalls of 1993 — but he might have been,since in the end a number of hugely hyped happenings turned outto be big deals that weren’t.

Slipped Mickey: In its first full year of operation, EuroDisney, the $4.4 billion theme park east of Paris, proved to bea goofy idea. Although Europeans have been attending, they aren’tspending nearly as much as hoped, resulting in a Dumbo-size $901million fiscal-year operating loss.

Bookmakers’ Losses: Two of the year’s sure-bet best-sellersnever made it onto the shelves: the paperback edition of Madonna’sguide to naughty postures and posturing, Sex, whose future isstill in doubt; and Oprah Winfrey’s autobiography, which was tohave been a big fall title for Knopf. Winfrey postponed it at thelast minute and is rewriting.

Some Gave Out: It Won’t Be the Last, Billy Ray Cyrus’ secondalbum, seemed to dare consumers to ignore it, and many did. Lastsold only a million copies, 6 million fewer than his first album,Some Gave All. It would be truly daring if his next release werecalled Third Strike.

Punks to the End: Back together after 23 years, the VelvetUnderground — with Lou Reed and John Cale fronting theband — launched a reunion tour through Europe last summer. Itlasted six weeks. ”Lou and John could not see eye-to-eye,”explained a form letter faxed to the media by Sylvia Reed, Lou’swife and manager.

Intellectual Poverty: NBC loudly threatened to sue if DavidLetterman took his Top Ten List, Stupid Pet Tricks, and other”intellectual property” of the network to CBS. Dave did, NBCdidn’t.

Booster Failure: Columbia Pictures paid $500,000 so that anunmanned rocket emblazoned with the words Last Action Hero wouldblast off during the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie’s June premiere.But NASA had to delay the mission. Then the launch was set for theAugust debut in Europe. The countdown is still on hold.

Yeah, We Noticed

ANYTHING CAN BE PIERCEDHigh fashion discovered a ”primitive” joy as supermodels likeChristy Turlington left us to Contemplate the navel rings on theirwell-exposed midriffs.

A COMPUTER WROTE A NOVELAmateur software designer Scott French programmed ”Hal,” hisMacintosh IIcx computer, to produce a bodice ripper based onJacqueline Susann’s trashy oeuvre and (this is doubly depressing)got it published. Title: Just This Once: A Novel Written by aComputer Programmed to Think Like the World’s Best-selling Author.What’s next, Download of the Dolls?

INFOMERCIALS CAN FASCINATEHair paint, psychic forecasts, high-volume weight loss, amazingmathematical skill, BluBlockers, Donald O’Connor pitching Russianfairy tales. Why not vacuum-seal every leftover?

DENNIS HOPPER’S NEW CAREERTrench-coated screen psychotic Dennis Hopper lent his pathologyto four Nike ads, babbling about the prowess of NFL stars TroyAikman, Michael Irvin, Barry Sanders, and Bruce Smith — andinhaling deeply from Smith’s presumably aromatic sneaker. Be sureto catch Hoppers upcoming infomercial for airplane glue.

Don’t Hate Me Because She’s Beautiful

Christie Brinkley painted an album cover for her sad-sack pianoman. Paulina Porizkova bore Ric Ocasek’s offspring. Julia Robertsgot happily hitched to Lyle Lovett. So who says these otherbeauty-beastie couples won’t last? We do.

CITY OF ANGERS

During his impromptu walking tour of Los Angeles in Falling Down,Michael Douglas’ buzz-cut vigilante intimidated everyone fromhaughty country-club golfers to snotty fast-food drones to crazedneo-Nazis. But if Bill Foster (a.k.a. D-FENS) had perambulatedthrough the City of Angels depicted in other movies and on TV thisyear, he might have had a slightly tougher time maintaining histerroristic stance:

1. Shopping in Beverly Hills, D-FENS has no comeback when he’steased by 90210’s Luke Perry: ”Hey, Melvin, nice pocketprotector.”

2. Seeking aid at the L.A. Law offices of McKenzie Brackman, he’sturned away by a secretary, ex-New Yorker Debi Mazar. ”There’s abus leaving in five minutes — be under it,” she snarls after heexplains he’s just trying to get home.

3. Snacking at a bakery in the Valley, he grouses about the pricesbut is scared off when Short Cuts muffin man Lyle Lovett shows himwhat’s under his hat.

4. Swimming at Will Rogers State Beach, he nearly drowns aftercatching sight of buxom Baywatch lifeguard Pamela Anderson.

5. Stranded in South Central, D-FENS finally makes friends — byswapping gun-cleaning tips with Tyrin Turner and Larenz Tate, thearmed-to-the-teeth kids from Menace II Society.

Damage

They’re Called civil actions, but they rarely inspire civilemotions. As Michael Jackson knows, when the accusations fly,there can be lots of collateral damage. Here’s an aerial surveyof the litigious landscape.

MAIN LINE PICTURES V. KIM BASINGER

The beef: That the actress backed out of Boxing Helena afterorally agreeing to star as the limbless object of one man’sobsession. Upshot: In March a jury ordered Basinger to pay anindie producer a reported $8.1 million in damages and legal fees.She then filed for bankruptcy to cover expenses, like $9,000 amonth in alimony. Released in September, Boxing Helena bombed.

RICHARD ABRAMSON AND T. REX PRODUCTIONS V. WHOOPI GOLDBERG

The beef: That Goldberg was breaking an oral agreement to star asa cop with a dinosaur for a partner. Upshot: Whoops! After theBasinger decision, Whoopi said she’d star after all.

PARAMOUNT PICTURES V. THE ESTATE OF JIM MORRISON

The beef: That Morrison’s estate should not be able to forbid theuse of a character based on the singer in Wayne’s World 2. Upshot:Settled amicably. In a WW2 dream sequence the Lizard King tellsWayne to organize a rock concert, Waynestock.

GEORGE MICHAEL V. SONY MUSIC

The beef: That Sony acted in restraint of trade by not properlypromoting the reluctant sex symbol, now in the fifth year of a15-year contract. Upshot: The world learns that a body doublesubbed for Michael in the 1987 ”I Want Your Sex” video, thatMichael netted $11 million from Sony between 1988 and 1992, andthat Michael’s manager, Rob Kahane, considers Sony Music presidentTommy Mottola a ”scary guy” worthy of comparison with theCorleones. (Mottola’s camp calls the remark ”abhorrent.”) Thehearing continues.

MONIQUE LONG V. FRED SAVAGE AND JASON HERVEY

The beef: That the stars, ages 17 and 21, sexually harassed theirWonder Years costumer. Upshot: The trial has been scheduled forApril 1994. The Wonder Years was canceled last spring.

YVETTE MARINE V. VIRGIN RECORDS

The beef: That backup singer Marine, not Abdul, sang lead onAbdul’s debut album, Forever Your Girl. Upshot: Virgin and Abdulvindicated — a jury threw out the case in August. Marine hasn’tbeen heard from since.

GREAT PERFORMANCESDon’t Worry, Bee Happy

For Blind Melon, all it took to land a spot on Billboard’s chartswas some fancy footwork from a bespectacled 10-year-old. HeatherDe Loach’s fearless performance as the tap-dancing Bee Girl insearch of a friend in the band’s ”No Rain” video served as astinging reminder of the pain of being an outsider — and thehoneyed joy of finding a soulmate. MTV anointed her queen, lettingher reprise her inspired routine on stage to close the network’sVideo Music Awards on Sept. 2. The band, stunned by the buzz onthe Bee Girl, jokes about its plans to off her, but De Loachdoesn’t care. ”I don’t really blame them,” she says. ”I didn’texpect to be more popular than they are.”

STONE’S GALL

Was this suspicious or what? In 1993, Oliver Stone devotedconsiderable time to playing…Oliver Stone, conspiracy nut.First he popped up in Dave, parodying his ownpresidential-assassination obsession on an ersatz Larry KingLive. Then he weighed in on ABC’s Wild Palms, playing a guest ona futuristic talk show (”Fifteen years after the film JFK, thefiles are released. You were right. Are you bitter?”). It’s NewYear’s resolution time, Ollie. Make the secret sign and repeatthree times: ”I will not show up on The Simpsons.”

GREAT PERFORMANCESHeather Bedding

Of all the snakes, shnooks, and sexpots who inhabit Fox-TV’shothouse, Melrose Place, surely the hottest is Heather Locklear,who, as landlord (and Alison’s boss) Amanda, has never met achance for man-stealing bitchiness she didn’t like. ”Amanda isn’ttotally bad, just misunderstood,” says the 32-year-oldprofessional minx, who honed her innocent-little-me act playingDynasty’s Sammy Jo. ”Sometimes I feel like she should twirl amustache, so I try to keep her humor and vulnerability there.”Here’s hoping Amanda stays just as nasty as she wants to be.

SPECIAL YEAR-END GO FIGUREBy the Numbers

Number of seconds Chevy Chase danced with Goldie Hawn during histalk show’s debut: 43

Number of hours Fox trotted The Chevy Chase Show upon theairwaves: 29

Estimated number of days Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett datedbefore marrying: 21

Number of days before the newlywed Lovett broke into the BillboardTop 200: 9

Number of days before he then disappeared from the Billboard Top200: 14

Amount Howard Stern was fined by the FCC this year: $1.2 million

Portion of his $16.7 million tax debt that Willie Nelson says hestill owes: $3 million

Sum of court judgments against Kim Basinger and Zsa Zsa Gabor:$11.4 million

Number of Elvis stamps in print: 500 million

Number of ways to kill an opponent in Mortal Kombat: 7

Number of NYPD Blue episodes flashing David Caruso’s naked tush: 4

Market price of Charles Manson’s out-of-print album Lie,containing ”Look at Your Game Girl”: $150

Cost of a ”date” arranged by Heidi Fleiss: $1,500

Estimated cost of Mariah Carey’s wedding: $500,000

Number of customers QVC gains each month: 100,000

Percentage gain in sales of chess sets since August release ofSearching for Bobby Fischer: 20

Percentage gain in sales of White Zombie’s La Sexorcisto since thegroup’s video appeared on Beavis and Butt-head: 264

Number of Beavis and Butt-head episodes scheduled for 1994: 65

‘The Year That Was’ ContributorsHead Writers: George Blooston, Bruce Fretts, and Lisa SchwarzbaumOther Reporting and Writing by: Tim Appelo, Rebecca Ascher-Walsh,Doug Brod, Ty Burr, Bob Cannon, Casey Davidson, Steve Daly, NisidHajari, Bronwen Hruska, Tina Jordan, Gregg Kilday, Erica Kornberg,Kate Meyers, Chris Nashawaty, Beth Pinsker, Tim Purtell, VanessaRichardson, Jessica Shaw, Daneet Steffens, Benjamin Svetkey, andCaren Weiner

[BOX]

‘The Year That Was’ ContributorsHead Writers: George Blooston, Bruce Fretts, and Lisa SchwarzbaumOther Reporting and Writing by: Tim Appelo, Rebecca Ascher-Walsh,Doug Brod, Ty Burr, Bob Cannon, Casey Davidson, Steve Daly, NisidHajari, Bronwen Hruska, Tina Jordan, Gregg Kilday, Erica Kornberg,Kate Meyers, Chris Nashawaty, Beth Pinsker, Tim Purtell, VanessaRichardson, Jessica Shaw, Daneet Steffens, Benjamin Svetkey, andCaren Weiner

NOTABLE QUOTES

”Good evening. Because of the situation in Somalia, SuzanneSomers will not be with us tonight.” — LARRY KING, opening LarryKing Live, June 11

”I merged with the pouring water. I let it in. I became a part ofit, it became a part of me. Rain and woman were one. Now I was arain woman. Again, it was an ecstatic union. I was in a wet dream,and it was all right.”DIANA ROSS, writing in Secrets of a Sparrow about the stormduring her 1983 concert in Central Park, after which almost 200fans were attacked by muggers and toughs

”Mulva?…Celeste?…Aretha?…Bovary?…Gipple?…Delores!”JERRY SEINFELD, on the March 18 Seinfeld, guessing at a date’sname he can’t recall; he knows only that it rhymes with a femalebody part