Style Invitational Week 1327: Mess with our (or anyone’s) heads

As long as we have headlines, we’ll have Mess With Our Heads, our perennial “bank head” contest. You’ll have 12 days’ worth of headlines to use — and you can use the heads from any print or online publication that are published in that period. This week: Reinterpret (or comment wryly on) a headline (or a big part of a headline) by writing a bank head, or subtitle, as in the examples above, which play on recent headlines in The Post. The headlines may be from The Post or another publication, print or online, dated April 11-22, 2019. Please give the source and date for the headline so the Empress can verify it.

Submit entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1327 (all lowercase).

Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy.

Second place receives a special custom-made item for right-thinking baseball fans everywhere: It’s a nice big “Barves” T-shirt — as in plural of “barf” — mocking the Atlanta Braves and their pukily offensive “Tomahawk Chop” and other mortifying references to Native Americans. Donated by Loser John Kupiec, who a few years ago donated some “Barves bags.”

Other runners-up win our “You Gotta Play to Lose” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “We’ve Seen Better” or “IDiot Card.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). Deadline is Monday night, April 22; results published May 12 in print, May 9 online. See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline “Movie Violations” is by Jon Gearhart; Danielle Nowlin and Jesse Frankovich both submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev. “Like” Style Invitational Ink of the Day at bit.ly/inkofday; follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress's weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter this week's contest, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

MOVIE VIOLATIONS: THE SHORTENED TITLES OF WEEK 1323

In Week 1323 we asked you to chop one or more letters off the beginning and/or end of a movie title, then describe the resulting movie. Among the thousands of entries — the Empress might have set a coffee consumption record — REAR WIND[ow] generated 39 fart jokes, [J]AWS a dozen entries about cute baby sharks.

4th place:

DUDE, WHERE’S MY CA[r?]: A couple of stoners wake up the morning after the Big One hits the West Coast. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

3rd place:

[P]ORGY AND BESS: The never-before-told story of Mrs. Truman’s wild years in the White House (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

2nd place and the 'Walter the Farting Dog' promotional toilet paper:

[Ba]CK TO THE FUTURE: Louis builds a time machine to go forward a whole generation, but it’s still too soon to hear his jokes again. (Jerome Uher, Alexandria, Va.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

[The L]EGO MOVIE 2: Slated to open Jan. 20, 2021, but cancellation is highly possible. (David Peckarsky, Tucson)

[Bla]ZING SAD[dles]: Honorable mentions

A BOY AND HIS D[og]: A New York “fixer” threatens a military academy with destruction if it releases the transcript of a long-ago graduate. (Seth Tucker, Washington)

[A]LIENS: When the mortgage company is on your trail, the only place you can run is outer space . . . or is it? (Lee Graham, Derwood, Md.)

[A]MADEUS: Tyler Perry plays a zany lady who’s jealous of her musically gifted, and even zanier, twin brother. (Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.)

[B]LACK PANTHER: After a last-minute discovery, N’oah must turn the ark around. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

[O]LIVER!: Please, sir, I want less. (Jesse Aronson, Arlington, Va.; Michelle Gluck, Bethesda, Md.)

[Cr]OUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DR[agon]: A zoo vet lurks in the jungle to help ailing predators. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

[G]ROUNDHOG DA[y]: After repeated questioning, a spy finally divulges Trump’s Russian code name. (Frank Osen)

[B]ATMAN: An origin story about Raymond Tomlinson, the inventor of email. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn. Va.)

[Dr. Strangelove or:] HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BO[mb]: A Washington commuter comes to grips with the reality of riding the Metro. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

FRIED GREEN TOM[atoes]: Hannibal Lecter opens a restaurant in a Southern town. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

[R]AIDERS OF THE LOST A[rk]: Wealthy parents will stop at nothing to snag a coveted grade for their offspring. Upcoming sequel: MILLION DOLLAR BA[by]. (David Peckarsky; Karen Van Buren, Los Altos, Calif.; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

[C]LICK: An Adam Sandler movie that doesn’t quite suck — but comes awfully close. (Jerome Uher)

[T]ANGLED: Rapunzel is trapped in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)

JURASSIC PAR[k]: A year on the PGA senior tour. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)

[LI]FE IS BEAUTIFUL: An athlete is propelled to success with the magic of iron supplements. (Mike McCumber, Gambrills, Md., a First Offender)

[A]POLLO 13: A Peruvian chicken joint acquires Colonel Sanders’s original recipe, but disaster strikes after it adds two more herbs and spices. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

[na]SHVILLE: Ten varied characters spend a morning at a strictly run Tennessee library. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

THE THIEF OF BAG[dad]: Who keeps stealing lunches from the office fridge? (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.)

FAHRENHEIT 45[1]: America’s dystopian future is now! (Chris Doyle)

[Mu]TINY ON THE BOUNTY: The story of a courageous leader who brings aid — rolls of it — to a disaster-struck island. (David Peckarsky)

MY FAIR LAD[y]: Henry Higgins sings, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?” — then finds the real thing. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

[Off]ICE SPACE: Workers are frustrated when their boss keeps the AC set to 59 year-round. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

[Off]ICE SPACE: Bad: Life in a cubicle. Worse: Life in a cage. (Ben Aronin, Washington)

BAM[bi]: The heroine is killed by a hunter with a bazooka. Running time: 11 minutes. (George Smith, Frederick, Md.; Gillian Smith, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender)

BAM[bi]: Documentary showing Emeril Lagasse making a Creole venison and rabbit stew. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)

MY BLUE HEAVE[n]: A man upchucks after taking too many Viagra pills. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

[Star Wars: The Phan]TOM MENACE: The adventures of Dennis’s mischievous great-great-great-great-grandson. (Edward Gordon, Austin)

[S]TAR WARS: Cigarette companies battle the nicotine overlord Darth Vaper. (Donna Roscoe, Olney, Md., a First Offender)

A HARD DAY’S NI[ght]: The Beatles team up with the Monty Python gang in a madcap search for a shrubbery. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

[A]LICE IN WONDERLAND: A little girl regrets sharing a fedora with the Mad Hatter. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)

[Trea]SURE IS[land]: Billy Bones directly answers the question “Is that where you buried your loot?” (Danielle Nowlin)

[The] TEXAS CHAINSAW MASS[acre]: Tired of parishioners dozing in the pews, a priest in Dallas decides to rev up the service. (William Pifer-Foote, Carmichael, Calif.)

[Juras]SIC WORLD: The life of a copy editor tasked with reviewing Donald Trump’s quotes. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

SLEEPLESS IN SEAT[tle]: After missing his midnight connecting flight to O’Hare, a traveler hunkers down in the waiting area between One Direction and a Girl Scout troop. (Will Stutzman, Millersburg, Ohio)

[Pey]TON PLACE: Sumo wrestlers gather to eat a few kilos of noodles and dish some post-match gossip. (Bill Spencer, Cockeysville, Md.)

Dja]NGO UNCHAINED: The Mercy Corps . . . goes to war. (David Peckarsky)

And Last: [The P]INK PANT[her]: A bunch of losers wait breathlessly to see whether a newspaper will print their lame jokes. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Two contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, April 15:

— Week 1325, jokes for the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner. See wapo.st/invite1325.

— Week 1326, our annual horse name “breeding” contest. See wapo.st/invite1326.

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