From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Six Laps Around the Crazy Track
I have nightmares, you know. I never know when they'll appear, but I do know that my little neurohorror films will continue to occasionally play themselves out in living color on the back of the front of my skull until the day I die.
I was active in theatre, so I have nightmares about being onstage and forgetting my lines. I dreaded exams in school, so I have nightmares about being hopelessly unprepared for them or, worse, not knowing which classroom (or building!) I'm supposed to go to in order to take 'em. I spent several years in radio, so I have nightmares about hitting the top of the hour and not having the news ready; or hearing a song fade out and running---in slow motion, of course---to the studio to start the next song only to find that nothing's cued up. I spent 14 years in advertising, so I have nightmares about, um, spending 14 years in advertising.
And I have nightmares about blogging. They mostly involve critical news that needs immediate posting ("Sarah Palin said something again!"), but gets thwarted by html-coding errors---the misplaced backslash, the extra space, the dreaded opening tag that doesn’t match the closing tag (or the drapes). Or sometimes I dream that I'm posting on time but it all comes out as gibberish. The thing that makes my blog-related nightmares different from the others? They're an accurate representation of my waking life.
But what a blast it is. Six years ago today, on December 10, 2003, I wrote a piece of fluff that, if memory serves, remains the least-popular diary ever posted at Daily Kos. The first edition of Cheers and Jeers attracted two comments. Ten C&Js later, I'd bagged a total of 39 comments.
What a difference 2,190 days makes. Today there are more bells and whistles in C&J---now on the front page and attracting a few more comments---but it still operates on the same principle: mock the powerful, praise the do-gooders, and demonstrate as often as possible that politics and fart jokes are not mutually exclusive but rather inextricably linked. And most amazing of all is that when I lost my job in 2007, you scraped up enough farthings and shekels to put me on your collective payroll, a vote of confidence as bewildering as it is appreciated.
Today's C&J below the fold is our annual repost of that first column, complete with director's commentary. It's a little reminder of how much road we've covered in six years and a valuable lesson in how, with persistence and hard work, obscure drivel can become mildly popular drivel. Thank you for joining me on this strange [???]-year-long journey to our ultimate destination: a Jonas Brothers presidency. It's a dream---let's make it happen.
Cheers and Jeers debuts again in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, December 10, 2009
Note: I wanted to give you all a car for being so supportive of C&J over the years. But since I can't be everywhere at once, just pick out one you like and take it. We recommend you do this late at night when there are fewer distractions. Do it very quietly so you don’t wake people up, and to make it feel like it's yours, change those plates immediately!!
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Netroots Nation Convention in Las Vegas July 22-25: 224
Days `til the Winter Lights Festival at the Springs Preserve in Nevada: 1
Approximate number of times we've cheered and jeered in C&J since 12/10/03: 10,800
Increase in the size of the average web page since 2003: 3x
(Source: I dunno, some web site that popped up on The Google)
Minimum number of words or phrases C&J has coined, including "Crapeditiously," "Naked Men Changing Lightbulbs," "Fundswarming" and "Supercalischadenfreudalistic": 4
Percent chance that former Maine Governor Angus King reads C&J: 100%
Number of people who have emailed me to complain that I altered their quote to make it sound funny for a C&J "Shameless Testimonial"...and to please stop it: 1
-
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
"It has become known that I have a Bad Attitude," Ivins wrote to an Austin friend from New York in 1977. "... I am specifically charged with A) walking around the city room in my bare feet B) laughing too loud C) not dressing right D) making fun of editors E) showing insufficient enthusiasm for The Times and all its wonders F) just generally coming on too strong. What can I tell you? As Gary (sic) Trudeau once wrote: Guilty, guilty, guilty."
---From Kossack "OMwordTHRUdaFOG's" diary about the new Molly Ivins biography
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: One day to go and the excitement is palpable...
-
Here's the first-ever C&J from December 10, 2003, with exclusive commentary in parentheses:
Dispatch from THE GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
(Dispatch? Dispatch??? What is this, World War I? Was I sending a telegram to President Wilson? I quickly dispensed with dispatch. I also don’t capitalize "the" anymore. Very important change there. Note also the lack of our trademark [Swoosh!!] and [Gong!!]. That would appear later as a dig at the philosophy of Fox News that if you can't get your facts right, at least you can create the impression you're a legitimate news organization with ear-numbing music and sound effects. I believe they currently have a minimum requirement of at least 10 window-shattering "Gongs" per hour.)
Cheer's and Jeers (with apologies...but not really...to TV Guide)
(Okay, if you look carefully you'll see C&J's very first punctuation error. How nice to know that I couldn’t make it through my first two sentences without fucking up. That's quality!)
CHEERS to Howard Dean for his extraordinary Gore Score. The early endorsement is cherry on top of the whipped cream (union endorsements) on top of the ice cream (grassroots) on top of the cake (Dean). Extra points for upstaging Bush's Medicare sideshow during Monday/Tuesday press cycles.
(I first linked to Daily Kos from Dean's blog. In many ways Howard's the reason I'm here. This was Dean's high-water mark as a candidate. I had to be peeled off the ceiling I was so ecstatic. Meanwhile, about that 2003 Medicare bill: to show how insane things are today, consider that Bush's "landmark" legislation passed in the Senate 54-44 with 11 Democrats voting in favor and 9 Republicans voting against it. And achieving cloture didn’t seem to be a problem at all. Wow.)
JEERS to the Medicare bill. Democrats asleep at the wheel while Nero (Bush) fiddles. This turkey's as fake as the one in Baghdad mess hall.
(Remember the turkey? That was too funny. The Medicare bill? Not so much. The chief actuary had been threatened with "extremely severe" consequences by the Bush administration if he revealed the plan's true cost to Congress. The plan was so bad that today Montel Williams has to drive a giant bus around America throwing fistfuls of drugs at people. Is this a great country or what?)
CHEERS to John Edwards. Doogie Howser is coming into his own as thoughtful VP possibility. Newsweek column on jury system shows real compassion, pragmatism.
(Um...erm...that's embarrassing. In future postings, this item will be digitally removed by Industrial Light & Magic.)
CHEERS to Mother Nature. If you're going to live in northern New England in winter, you might as well have lots of snow, and boy did we get it. Bonus: White Xmas is in the bag.
JEERS to people who write Xmas.
(I have since learned that "Xmas" drives Bill O'Reilly nuts. I rescind the jeer.)
JEERS to Joe Lieberman. Credible rumor now pegs his camp as source of Monday's Dean/Gore leak. Were sour grapes pouting all an act?
(Yes. Lieberman was---[yawn]---"shocked, shocked." I still chuckle when I recall that he boasted of being "in a three-way tie for third place" in the New Hampshire primary. In other words: fifth. It's a comforting reminder that, for all his skullduggery, he loses as often as he wins.)
JEERS to Alfred E. Koppel. Gives candidates not named Dean chance to blast Guv at point blank range in NH debate. All those who think he acted like a total dumbass, raise your hand.
CHEERS to Dennis Kucinich for Ted Koppel slapdown. No wonder the broads are coming out of the woodwork for this Ohio hottie (but can they go vegan?)
CHEERS to Carol Moseley Braun, for opting out of the Dean bloodbath at debate. Classy broad, don'tcha know.
(Okay. In future postings of this C&J, "broad" will be digitally enhanced by Industrial Light & Magic to read "chick." As for the debate, you might recall that Koppel asked the candidates to "raise your hand if you believe that Governor Dean can beat George W. Bush." Kucinich didn’t play the game, saying, "Let me say, Ted, let me say, that some of the best talent in American politics is on this stage right now. And with all due respect to you, Ted Koppel, who I've admired over the years greatly, to begin this kind of a forum with a question about an endorsement, no matter by who, I think actually trivializes the issues that are before us." (Cheers and applause.) But I'll say this: at least Koppel didn’t badger the candidates about their flag lapel pins.)
JEERS to Dick "Elmer Fudd" Cheney. Slaughters 70 pre-caught game birds on "hunting" expedition. As if we needed more proof that his heart was removed long ago...
(The birds were apparently too much of a challenge so he moved on to lawyers. Today he spends his time hunting credibility. Hey Dick, I think there's some over there in the corner with all the Iraq WMDs!)
CHEERS to Supremes for upholding parts of McCain/Feingold bill. Sure it's a Band-Aid, but at least now it's got some real stick to it.
CHEERS and a fond farewell to Senator Paul Simon. Some of the current occupants of The Chamber could take a lesson or two from him...but they're too dumb. Memo to Smithsonian: snag one of those bow ties!
(I liked him)
JEERS to George W. Bush's "spontaneous" appearance during Larry King Live show. Walk-on during end of Laura interview reveals hopelessly inarticulate boob. No Red Ryder BB gun for you, pal, until you learn how to say "Merry Christmas" without gritting your teeth.
(Actual exchange: KING: "Your lady has done a wonderful job in this house." G. W. BUSH: "She has. She's doin' a heckuva good job." And he said it right in front of her? What a dis!)
CHEERS to Al Gore for showing true cojones in Dean nod. Veep understands that the only way to break out of Democratic party complacency is to shake, shake, SHAKE things up. Beltway bluster proves he's right on.
(Dean faded and Gore went back into obscurity for awhile. But what's the old saying: he who laughs last...)
CHEERS to the Maine lobster industry. Another banner year is good year for butter industry. And bib makers!
(Today it's not only plentiful, it's also cheap cheap cheap. Go ahead and indulge---'tis the season for Sandy Claws.)
Developing...
(I added that word at the end as a little dig at Drudge. I stopped using it because typing it made me nauseous.)
C&J returns to its regular format tomorrow as we kick off Year 7. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
C&J's Favorite Testimonial of All-time:
So much has happened since you and I first 'met.' Most of it hasn't been good. And I'm not sure the future looks any brighter. But one thing that has been good has been to know that there are so many others out there who hate what's happening and who - however hopeless it sometimes seems - want to do something about it.
YOU are one who - when I've been mired in despair, something I don't admit to on-line, has kept me sane with your humor (even though it is sometimes gallows humor, or, perhaps, because it IS gallows humor). You've lessened the blow for so many of us, every damn day.
---Meteor Blades, 2004
-