I drove to and from Milwaukee on Tuesday, and it set me to thinking: How many Culver’s have I stopped at along this godforsaken stretch of I-94 through Wisconsin*?
*You’re right to notice this, and I will defer you to the statement of the AFL-CIO.

In fact, I realized, I can tell you at which exits you can find each Culver’s that’s within, oh, about a mile or two of the highway along the 348 fucking miles for which I-94 does run through that state. I didn’t look this up, so if I have forgotten one, do not at me.

I am somehow not 300 pounds. Do not tell my wife I can do this.

[NR] Milwaukee Airport — Exit 314. Oakland Gyros is across the street, why the fuck are you going to Culver’s.

[NR] Wisconsin Dells - Exit 87 (co-signed with I-90/I-39). I’ve never stopped at this one. I assume it’s overpriced and terrible, like...

[T-16] Wisconsin Dells — Exit 92 (co-signed with I-90/I-39). I don’t actually care enough to go back and verify, but it was full of 5th grade AAU C teams shouting and I swear the burgers cost like a dollar more there.
[T-16] Pleasant Prairie — Exit ohmygodi’malmostinillinois. Same reasons, except for an outlet mall. I guess that really applies to the Dells one too, huh?

[15] Menomonie — Exit 45. You have to drive, like, four miles off the freeway. YOU FOOLED ME, MENOMONIE CULVER’S, AND I AM STILL MAD ABOUT IT.

[14] Madison — Exit 135. Somewhere in that stupid mall complex. My burger was not greasy enough. I was mad. Fucking Madison.

[13] Oconomowoc — Exit 285. I basically got to fucking Fond du Lac before I found this goddamn Culver’s.

[12] Tomah — Exit 143. Always full of travelers and takes forever. I wind up going to the Dunkin’ Donuts down the road because I hate waiting for them at this one. My sister actually refuses to stop there when she drives across the state. Something about a slice of cheese.

[11] Ryan Road — Exit 320. This was a Culver’s.

[10] Sturtevant — Exit 333. I had a really pouty burger here once after a shitty Northwestern game. It was fine, but kind of weird because it’s really in a big truck stop complex.

[T-8] Eau Claire — Exit 68.
[T-8] Lake Mills — Exit 259. I’ve stopped at each of these once, and they’re both a cromulent suburban-feeling Culver’s. Good enough.

[7] Hudson — Exit 2. It’s nice, but I usually get it when I’m on the way home and the wife can still smell the Culver’s on me when I walk in the door and I get in trouble for getting fast food. SORRY I DON’T WANT A NICE QUINOA BOWL, HONEY.

[6] Baldwin — Exit 19. All the reasons above, but I can sometimes hide the smell. God, it’s like I’m a smoker. This is depressing.

[5] Waukesha — Exit 293. A woman once gave me an extra scoop of custard here. That was pretty great.

[4] Milwaukee — Exit 308 (Miller Parkway). This is my Milwaukee go-to hangover cure. Only strike against is the drive down Miller Parkway, because lol that sucks, and the little time I have to eat on the drive back to downtown.

[3] Mauston — Exit 69 (co-signed with I-90/I-39). Only loses points for being on a weird little service road that requires a couple left turns. Seemingly always has the Flavor of the Day that I’m looking for.

[2] Johnson Creek — Exit 267. There’s a nice Kwik Trip right across the way, and they would never judge me when I pulled through the drive-thru at 10:05am, knowing that they were open. Also where I stopped for a full double-butterburger, curds, and a chocolate shake after Northwestern lost 35-6 at the fucking POW Camp. That sucked.

[1] DeForest — Exit 126 (co-signed with I-90/I-39). Fastest, best-tasting, always grease ripping off my burger, nice little right-turn-only lane onto Hwy V that lets me get right back into the on-ramp for I-94. /kisses fingers

Thursday

Don’t Watch This

{CBB} Northwestern Wildcats vs. New Orleans Privateers [7pm, BTN]
Carolina Panthers at Pittsburgh Steelers [7:20pm, FOX/Amazon]

Watch That

Wake Forest Demon Deacons (4-6, 1-4 ACC) at [14] N.C. State Wolfpack (6-2, 3-2)

6:30pm | ESPN | NCSU -17 | O/U 69

College basketball is back, and while I’m not a great college basketball mind, it allows me to do what I’m really here for, which is the pageantry and stupidity of low-tier college athletics. This week, it’s led me to really appreciate the non-D1 matchups in basketball—for many schools, particularly the also-rans of conferences like the SWAC and MEAC but also the Valleys, Missouri and Ohio, and others, this is one o the rare chances for a guaranteed win. For schools like Drake, that means a game with in-state D-III program Buena Vista. for others like Stephen F. Austin, you get to just beat the shit out of an entire region’s religion like the Southwest Assemblies of God. There’s Georgia Southern hanging 139 on Carver College, and oh shit, UTSA lost, 77-76, to something called St. Edward’s, a D-II Catholic school in Austin.

This led me, though, to discover Cornell vs SUNY-Canton in the Central New York Hoops Classic, which is apparently definitely a thing and probably lives up to at least one of those names! The Big Red opened it with an 86-75 win over Binghamton, which I am led to believe is in Southern New York, hardly Central. I call bullshit, and also call on Syracuse to stop ducking the Central New York Hoops Classic.

Holy shit, it turns out there’s an actual website or organization to it! Colgate’s hosting it:

“This is a great opportunity for us to play some of our Central New York opponents in an organized fashion,” Colgate head coach Matt Langel said. “These are teams we normally face, and we were happy to partner with them to help set the early portion of our nonconference schedules.”

The complete CNY Classic schedule is as follows (times to be announced):
Nov. 6 – COLGATE at NJIT; Cornell at Binghamton
Nov. 8 – SUNY Canton at Cornell
Nov. 9 – NJIT at Binghamton
Nov. 11 – COLGATE at Cornell
Nov. 12 – Misericordia at Binghamton
Nov. 14 – Nazareth at COLGATE; Kean at NJIT
Nov. 17 – Cornell at NJIT
Nov. 19 – Binghamton at COLGATE

Are these games televised? Is there a trophy? I must watch them. I’m taking Cornell to upset Colgate and win the Classic.

Friday

Don’t Watch This

{CBB} [8] North Carolina Tar Heels at Elon Phoenix [6pm, ESPNU]
{CBB} Indiana Hoosiers vs. Montana State Bobcats [7pm, BTN]
{CBB} Maryland Terrapins at Navy Midshipmen [7:30pm, CBSSN]

Watch That

Louisville Cardinals (2-7, 0-6 ACC) at [13] Syracuse Orange (7-2, 4-2)

6pm | ESPN2 | Syr -21 | O/U 29

[23] Fresno State Bulldogs (8-1, 5-0 MW) at Boise State Broncos (7-2, 4-1)

9:15pm | ESPN2 | Fresno -2.5 | O/U 54

{CBB} Buffalo Bulls (1-0) at [13] West Virginia Mountaineers (0-0)

8pm | ESPNU

I remember the last time I caught a Syracuse game on TV, let alone a Friday night. I was flying from Providence to Baltimore (no, really!) to go watch Northwestern at Maryland, and the nice TSA man stopped me—the only person anywhere near the security gates—because I had a (rather large) Fuji apple in my bag. He was kind enough or weird enough to say that “well, it could’ve been a bomb” before exclaiming in a delightfully northeastern accent “That’s the lahgest apple ah’ve evah seen!” It still sparks a few thoughts for me:

1. “Why didn’t he call it ‘wicked lahge!’”?
2. Aren’t TSA agents not supposed to say things like “bomb”?
3. Are bombs actually shaped like the cartoon bombs—round and black with a little fuse sticking out the top? Did he think I was Wile E. Coyote?

Anywho, that’s really not the point. Syracuse was playing #2 Clemson in the Carrier Dome and somehow managed to beat them. I’m not quite sure why Syracuse is 13th—but I have them in an NY6 bowl as of now—and I want to watch this and find out.

Boise State got all the serious Mountain West contenders—San Diego State, Fresno State, and Utah State—at home, and while I can’t prove it and probably don’t care enough to anyways, I’m convinced that it’s part of a Mountain West conspiracy to hand the conference title to their biggest brand and siphon a little of the energy away from UCF. WELL IT FAILED, BIG MOUNTAIN.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

TCU Horned Frogs at [9] West Virginia Mountaineers (-11.5) [11am, FS1]
Navy Midshipmen at [12] UCF Knights (-25.5) [11am, ESPN2]
South Carolina Gamecocks at [15] Florida Gators (-6.5) [11am, ESPN]
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at Memphis Tigers (-15.5) [11am, ESPNU]
Kansas Jayhawks at Kansas State Wildcats (-11.5) [11am, Fox Sports Regional]
Lafayette Leopards at Army Black Knights [11am, CBSSN]
Ole Miss Rebels at Texas A&M Aggies (-12) [11am, CBS]
Maryland Terrapins at Indiana Hoosiers (-1.5) [11am, BTN]

Watch That

[10] Ohio State Buckeyes (8-1, 5-1 B1G) at [18] Michigan State Spartans (6-3, 4-2)

11am | FOX | OSU -3.5

Wisconsin Badgers (6-3, 4-2 B1G) at [20] Penn State Nittany Lions (6-3, 3-3)

11am | ABC | PSU -9

Illinois Fighting Illini (4-5, 2-4 B1G) at Nebraska Cornhuskers (2-7, 1-5)

11am | BTN | UNL -17

BYU Cougars (4-5) at Massachusetts Minutemen (4-6)

11am | Eleven! | BYU -14

Speaking of Binghamton, I’m sure you all are waiting with bated breath for when long-past-relevant sports yellers Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon will do Pardon the Interruption LIVE! from Welsh-Ryan Arena ahead of the Binghamton at Northwestern game. These are the alma maters of the two men—Kornheiser at Binghamton, and, I’m not sure if you know this, Michael Wilbon as an alumnus of the prestigious Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University.

Why Illinois-Nebraska? YOU KNOW WHY.

Anyway, there’s a lot of shit this morning, so why not just take in some of the Big Ten action and flip around a little bit? Watch the Badgers try to stop Trace McSorley and hand the division to Northwestern. Enjoy Rocky Lombardi throwing for 400 yards against Ohio State, because why wouldn’t he? I will have a badger fan other than my wife at my house, and while he will insist upon that nonsense, this Saturday is a morning for flipping around to whatever random bad football is on.

Last week, on Eleven Network, UMass got a late field goal by Cooper Garcia in the 3rd OT to hold off fellow independent Liberty, 62-59. SIXTY-TWO TO FIFTY-NINE. You’re missing out if you’re not looking up Eleven and the wonder that is the UMass offense: Ross Comis completed 29 of his 44 passes...for 540 yards. Of those, 303—THREE-HUNDRED-AND-THREE—went to Andy Isabella, who I absolutely started in my fantasy league. 303 YARDS.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

[16] Mississippi State Bulldogs at [1] Alabama Crimson Tide (-23.5) [2:30pm, CBS]
[4] Michigan Wolverines (-40) at Rutgers Scarlet Knights [2:30pm, BTN]
Baylor Bears at [22] Iowa State Cyclones (-14.5) [2:30pm, FS1]
Purdue Boilermakers (-12) at Minnesota Golden Gophers [2:30pm, ESPN2]
Virginia Tech Hokies at Pittsburgh Panthers (-3) [2:30pm, ESPNU]
New Mexico Lobos at Air Force Falcons [2:30pm, CBSSN]
San Jose State Spartans at Utah State Aggies [3pm, Stadium/Facebook]
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at Florida Atlantic Owls (-19.5) [4pm, Stadium/Facebook]

Watch This

Northwestern Wildcats (5-4, 5-1 B1G) at [21] Iowa Hawkeyes (6-3, 3-3)

2:30pm | FOX | Iowa -11

Oklahoma St. Cowboys (5-4, 2-4 Big XII) at [6] Oklahoma Sooners (8-1, 5-1)

2:30pm | ABC | OU -19.5

[8] Washington St. Cougars (8-1, 5-1 Pac-12) at Colorado Buffaloes (5-4, 2-4)

2:30pm | ESPN | Wazzu -6

East Carolina Pirates (2-6, 0-5 AAC) at Tulane Green Wave (4-5, 3-2)

3pm | ESPNN | Tulane -14

Bedlam could be fun but it doesn’t matter, I expect Purdue to beat Minnesota by 25, and...

Look, you want to see the 17-10 rock fight. You just know you do. I get that we clown and post paeans to 62-59 independent football games and tell you that you’re missing out if you don’t check out a San Jose State-Utah State game on Stadium/Facebook (you really are), Northwestern-Iowa could decide the West. Holy shit, what a mess this has all become.

Tulane is not only back on a reasonable path to becoming bowl eligible, but they are just a game back in the AAC West hunt. I’m so proud of Willie Fritz and one of the official Teams of Choice of DWT;WT.

Go Wazzu.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

[24] Auburn Tigers at [5] Georgia Bulldogs (-14) [6pm, ESPN]
Miami-Florida Hurricanes at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-3.5) [6pm, ESPN2]
Florida State Seminoles at [3] Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-17.5) [6:30pm, NBC]
{CBB} [24] Purdue Boilermakers vs. Ball State Cardinals [7pm, BTN]

Watch That

[2] Clemson Tigers (9-0, 6-0 ACC) at [17] Boston College Eagles (7-2, 4-1)

7pm | ABC | Clemson -20

[19] Texas Longhorns (6-3, 4-2 Big XII) at Texas Tech Red Raiders (5-4, 3-3)

6:30pm | FOX | Texas -2

Temple Owls (5-4, 4-1 AAC) at Houston Cougars (7-2, 4-1)

6pm | CBSSN | UH -4.5

South Florida Bulls (7-2, 3-2 AAC) at Cincinnati Bearcats (8-1, 4-1)

6pm | ESPNU | UC -12

Southern Miss Golden Eagles (4-4, 3-2 C-USA) at UAB Blazers (8-1, 6-0)

6:30pm | beIN | UAB -11.5

Michigan basketball plays at 6:30pm on BTN+, which I don’t particularly care about, except—OH SHIT IT’S BILL CARMODY AND HOLY CROSS.

In case you’re wondering, I still miss the shit out of Bill, who I met right before the Crusaders’ magical run to the NCAA Tournament in 2016. And this year the ‘Saders are off to a hot start, with both an uncharacteristic 93 points scored in a 93-81 win over Sacred Heart and a much more characteristic 351st ranking in AdjTempo on Kenpom. Bill Carmody basketball. Ruthlessly efficient except when it’s not. Make shots.

The American has been delightful for non-UCF content this year, and the up-and-down fortunes of teams like Temple, fraudulent USF and Cincy, and competent but defensively-challenged Houston have made for fun watching. The problem? Only Houston is in the other division! So unless the Cougars choke it away to either of SMU or Tulane—the latter of whom somehow beat USF—they’re gonna get their doors blown off by UCF in the championship. Ho-hum.

You owe it to yourself to see if Boston College can make things weird at night against Clemson.

I’m Awake and Drunk, What Should I Watch?

Don’t Watch This

UNLV Rebels at San Diego State Aztecs (-22.5) [9:30pm, ESPN2]

Watch That

California Golden Bears (5-4, 2-4 Pac-12) at USC Trojans (5-4, 4-3)

9:30pm | ESPN | USC -5.5

Colorado State Rams (3-6, 2-3 MW) at Nevada Wolf Pack (5-4, 3-2)

9:30pm | ESPNU | Nev -14

Sometimes I reflect on the idea that, in addition to doing things that Actually Matter in the vaugest OTE sense, like Picks and helping with Power Polls, I am lucky enough to write just complete shit like this. The tabs I have open are the St. Edward’s University Wikipedia page, Vegas Insider’s CFB betting page, “Lyrics to Saturday Night”, and the Worcester Telegram recap of Holy Cross-Sacred Heart. Above, I ranked the best Culver’s in Wisconsin.

What a weird damn world.

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Here’s your open thread for the first couple nights of games. Vote in the poll below and tell me your favorite Culver’s stories in the comments.