'He said it was over on Boxing Day and was gone by New Year': The rise of the 'no-warning' divorce

It took Emma many years to get over her husband’s sudden exit. She went from having a packed family life to spending every other weekend on her own while her son stayed with his father and his girlfriend. She wondered who she had been married to, how she could not have known, if there had been any signs. 

Looking back, she believes she did see a change in her husband. He had seemed ‘distracted and worried’ and she noticed ‘odd behaviours’, like the time she rang him at work to be told he’d gone home not feeling well. ‘I thought, “That’s weird. I’m at home.”’ 

When Emma’s husband did eventually come home that evening he said he’d gone to the cinema because he was fed up at work. But at the time she didn’t suspect him of having an affair, or ever think that he was about to walk out on her with no warning. 

It’s a trend that’s gathering pace, according to Lyn Ayrton, managing partner of family law experts Lake Legal. ‘Meeting someone new and starting an affair is often a catalyst for walking out on a long-term partner,’  she says. ‘And with access to social media, having an affair has never been easier.’ 

Lyn estimates that in five per cent of divorces there is no further direct communication beyond an initial text, email or phone call to say it’s over. From then on, the lawyers take over. She has also noticed a pattern in the way men and women walk out of long-term relationships: typically men say nothing until the last minute, while women claim they’ve said it all but have never been listened to. 

Usually, when a marriage fails, both partners can see the end coming, because it follows a fair bit of talking, fighting and arguing. They are braced for separation, even if it’s not what they want. But when it’s a decision taken by one person seemingly out of the blue, it’s especially hard to take.

‘Our brains don’t process sudden traumatic events in the same way they cope with more natural ones, making it more difficult to assimilate and adjust to the new situation,’ explains Dr Angharad Rudkin, a clinical psychologist at the University of Southampton. ‘There’s no opportunity to make things better so an individual is left powerless and helpless, which is likely to lead to feelings of depression and anxiety.’ 

And because of our increasingly busy lives and reliance on communicating digitally rather than in person, it’s never been easier to exit a relationship in this way, she adds. ‘Much as the trend of “ghosting” [when one person simply disappears from the relationship, rather than officially breaking up] is rapidly on the rise in younger people, so is the equivalent in older couples. Just walking away is simpler than facing the music, taking responsibility and finding words for difficult feelings.’

A gender-based difference with no-warning divorces is common, according to Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice at relationship counselling service Relate. She says men sometimes have a tendency to say nothing, then leave having never shared their thoughts with their partner for fear of the emotional upset it will cause. It’s a conversation they have with themselves until they reach breaking point, when leaving becomes an act of self-preservation.

 ‘The abandoned partner may well ask why they never knew. But in some cases there was nothing to know because nothing was said, the rituals of family life were adhered to and the physical side of their relationship did not change,’ Major explains.

Tom* had been with his wife Nicky* for  10 years and married for 18 months when  he walked out on her and her 16-year-old daughter. One night, Tom went to a friend’s house after work and phoned Nicky to say, ‘Look, when you get home I won’t be there and I’m really sorry, but I just can’t do this any more. I’ve moved out.’

Nicky had no idea this was coming. It  was a total shock. The marriage had been Tom’s idea. He admits that there were always issues – ‘the missing part of the jigsaw’ – that he thought marriage would sort. Instead, it only exacerbated their differences and he became increasingly afraid of his wife’s angry outbursts.  

‘I got it in the neck. We often argued, but with a busy life you skirt around the key issues; the most important things are ignored.’ Looking back Tom describes their marriage as ‘hollow’, lacking any intimacy or connection. 

‘At the time I had this complete sense of dread and helplessness, of powerlessness, that there was nothing to live for,’ he says. ‘I felt I was suffocating and I kept thinking, “How did I get myself into this situation? It’s impossible to get out of.”’

Tom never mentioned his unhappiness to his wife. Initially he felt he could deal with it, until it became too much and he saw leaving as the only solution. He didn’t discuss the decision with Nicky: ‘Women can talk you around. In a weaker moment, I would have been shoehorned back in.’

Major points out that when it’s the woman who’s unhappy, she usually says that she has attempted to talk to her partner about the relationship, but none of it hits home. ‘Then the crunch time comes, when she says she’s been telling him for years and he replies, “I didn’t think you meant it.”’

What Sarah* remembers most about the evening she walked out of her family home was how calm she felt seeing her husband Ian* curled up on the floor crying. ‘I had a remarkable lack of pity for him. I thought, “I should feel really sorry for this man, he’s so broken.” But I didn’t. I felt no empathy.’

And it was Sarah, not Ian, who had been unfaithful. He was, she admits, a caring, attentive father, whose successful law practice allowed her to work part-time after their children were born. Weekends were packed with ferrying two young daughters between music and ballet lessons and raucous supper parties with friends. 

Yet ‘crazy joy’ is what Sarah felt on leaving her husband and their seemingly perfect married life. She uses strong words – relief, freedom, euphoria – and says it’s the best decision she has ever made. 

For Ian, it came out of the blue – and hit hard. He couldn’t sleep or eat, it affected his work and he only managed to function again with the help of counselling and friends. What is especially confusing  is that both he and his former wife are articulate and people-oriented;  popular at work and the school gate; described as warm and understanding  by their friends. 

Sarah points to the equilibrium of their relationship changing after their daughters were born, and feeling marginalised by Ian putting them before her. She says he became very controlling and she grew increasingly frightened of him. They started avoiding each other, rarely spending an evening alone and surrounding themselves with friends and family at weekends. 

‘In retrospect I didn’t say as much to Ian about being unhappy as I should have,’ says Sarah. ‘I had tried, but he was very difficult to talk to and very confident in his own views, and I wasn’t. He knew I was going to marriage-guidance counselling but it was as if I was talking rubbish. He believed we were married for ever. He didn’t believe me until I literally said I’m going.’ They have never really talked since. 

Of course, these sudden ‘heart attack’ endings that seemingly come out of nowhere are actually years in the making, masterclasses on the impact of ‘avoidant behaviour’. Relationship therapists point out that we are all effective at blocking  what we don’t want to hear. A husband may try to talk to his wife about his unhappiness, but if she doesn’t want to listen she may divert the conversation to talking about their children or challenges at work. Or, if a man doesn’t want to hear issues about his relationship he may close down the conversation by becoming angry and aggressive. And then it all blows up.

Research shows that successful relationships are not based on how few arguments you engage in but the number of positive interactions you have with your partner each day. Increasing intimacy is more important for relationship satisfaction than reducing conflict. 

For Emma and her husband, avoiding disagreements may have stopped them arguing in front of their family on Christmas Day, but it didn’t make their marriage last in the long term. Emma can now see just how much effort she and her ex-husband put into dodging the lie they were living: hiding behind their laptops in different rooms at home; organising their work around childcare and not around being together; socialising in a group, never as a couple.

‘He said to me, “You’ll be relieved that  I’ve done this,” and 15 years on, I am. If he was unhappy and I couldn’t see it, we’d still be together and feeling like that. I much prefer my life now.’ 

*Names have been changed