Mental health matters: I was depressed and suicidal. Here's what helped and what didn't.

I was diagnosed with depression while in college more than 15 years ago. I didn’t tell many people, and I felt embarrassed going to therapy, even though it helped greatly. I felt broken and weak.

The prejudice associated with mental illness kept me quiet for years until the depression got so bad I was suicidal. I started abusing my medication to numb the pain and escape the oppressive sadness and fatigue. I knew I needed help but feared asking. I wanted so badly to be a good mom and wife. To be the woman who had it all together, like some of my friends and family. I know now that’s a farce — nobody has it all together.  

When I finally worked up the courage, I told my husband just how bad my situation was and asked for help. Help turned out to be six weeks in a psychiatric hospital, which I welcomed. It saved me and made me a better person. But asking my kind and loving husband for help was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, even though I knew he’d understand.

Why is it so hard asking for help? It’s because of a major misunderstanding of mental health. People refuse to accept that it’s not a lack of willpower or not thinking positively; it’s an illness like any other. We don’t have control over it any more than we have control over the weather.

I still encounter comments like, “You need to think positively. You need fresh air and sunshine. You’ll be okay. At least this, at least that.” I could go on. While expressed with good intentions, these views don’t change the fact that I’m suffering from a very painful, physical disorder that affects me daily.

Statements like that are considered toxic positivity, an idea that no matter how much one is suffering, he should keep a positive mindset at all times. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to be optimistic, but it feels awful when you express your pain or ask for help only to be told it could be worse. This marginalizes those suffering. So they keep quiet.                   

Some would rather die by suicide than admit they’re hurting — all because society makes us feel weak and alone. Based on 2018 CDC data, suicide was the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S., taking more than 48,000 lives. Buying into the stigma literally costs lives. We must see mental health as a priority and be compassionate.

Having depression and anxiety can be so lonely, and the pain is relentless. If someone does reach out to you, I implore you to practice active listening and to withhold judgment. Ask, “How can I help?” And then actually help.

To those suffering with a mental disorder, I urge you to seek help, and the sooner the better. Talk to a trusted friend or a mental health professional. Reach out and don’t be afraid — you’re not weak or unworthy. Living with this illness makes you strong. Admitting you need help means you’re strong, but you have nothing to prove.

You may feel broken, but that’s OK. Ernest Hemingway said we’re all broken and that’s how the light gets in.

Embrace the light, my friends.                                                

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or go to the nearest emergency room.

Things to remember if you’re suffering with a mental illness:

• You are not alone.
• It does get better.
• Your experiences and feelings are valid.
• Help is available.
• You have nothing to prove.
• It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad.

For more than 20 years, Heather Loeb has experienced major depression, anxiety and a personality disorder, while also battling the stigma of mental health. She is the creator of Unruly Neurons (www.unrulyneurons.com), a blog dedicated to normalizing depression and a member of State Rep. Todd Hunter’s Suicide Prevention Taskforce.  

MIND MATTERS

Now more than ever we need to take care of our mental health. Opinion Contributor Heather Loeb discusses why and explores other important mental health topics in this special series.

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