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How to survive the first few weeks of parenthood
Neil Sinclair offers his top tips on how to deal with the difficult first six weeks after your child is born, having learned the hard way himself
Brief: When you first take your Baby Trooper home it’s going to be all hands on deck. Everyone involved may be tired and emotional. Enlist help and support where needed but don’t fall into the trap of entertaining visitors.
The thing I found most daunting about bringing my wife and son home from hospital was that I felt (and, it turned out, was) completely and utterly unprepared. I had read books and attended classes to help me prepare for the actual birth, but there was nothing to prepare me for the life that followed. My wife was physically and emotionally exhausted – something that we hadn’t actually anticipated; we thought that you only needed to rest and recuperate if you’d had a caesarean. We can laugh about our naivety now, but believe me, it wasn’t funny at the time.
We also had a brand new life to look after. When we finally got back to the flat, closed the door, and put Sam gently down in his car seat, I turned to my wife and said, “What do we do now?” Her weary response was, “I have no idea.” That’s when we both entered the baby vortex, a whirling mass of regular feeds, irregular sleeps, and plentiful tears (mainly ours). Those first few weeks are a really tiring and disjointed time. Unfortunately, it’s also the time when everyone is going to want to visit you.
It’s understandable, of course, for people (especially grandparents) to want to see your new trooper. However, you need to make sure that visitors come at a time that is convenient to you, not them. I know it sounds harsh, but you may even want to set visiting hours. You'll be glad you did when it’s 0-silly-hundred-hours and you’re administering a feed, having had the benefit of a couple of hours sleep that may otherwise have been spent entertaining.
When you do get visitors, enlist them to provide practical help: ask them to pick up nappies and wipes on the way over or bring that night’s meal; ask them to ring all family members to let them know how you’re all doing; get them involved in base camp admin such as washing and tidying up (that’s the other thing about the baby vortex – it gets messy easily).
If you can, take paternity leave. I wasn’t eligible, but because of my shift pattern I was able to take a few days holiday and cumulatively spend 12 days at base camp where I was really – really – needed. You can find out if you’re eligible for paternity leave and pay on the government website. As a rule of thumb, you need to have a contract of employment (which may rule out some agency workers, contractors and self employed dads) and have worked for your employer for at least as long as your CO was pregnant. Check with your HR department to find out if your company offers better terms than the statutory ones. If you don’t qualify for paternity leave with your employer, you are still entitled under law to take unpaid emergency leave to be with your CO as she goes through labour, but beyond that you may need to take annual leave, or unpaid leave, if this is an option for you.
For those who are unable to take any time off, think about enlisting the help of a friend or family member to help out. Your CO needs to rest when she can (usually when your BT is sleeping) and to be taken care of as much as possible. When you’re at base camp, step up and do as many of the chores as possible. Take on night feeds if your BT’s on formula or your CO has stored breast milk.
For all dads that are currently going through those first few days and weeks, please be reassured that it does get easier. When going through the baby vortex, keep going. After about six weeks you can start getting your BT into a routine and slowly begin to restore order. For me, I fell back on what I knew best: my military training. I got us organised, I got us into a routine, and I took care of admin so that I was free to spend time with my new unit.
If you’re a new dad looking for help and advice, please go to the Commando Dad forum where me – and other dads – will be able to help. You can also contact me via tm@telegraph.co.uk, and follow me on Twitter
TOP TIP No 1
If you intend to take paternity leave, you must notify your employer at least 15 weeks before your BT is due. Your application for Ordinary Statutory Paternity Pay needs to be submitted at least 4 weeks before you wish to start receiving it. The easiest way is to do both of these things at once and download form SC3 ‘Becoming a Parent’ from the HM Revenue & Customs website, and submit it to your employer.
TOP TIP No 2
If you can’t be there in the early days because you’re bringing in the money to support your unit, don’t waste time feeling guilty. What you’re doing is worthy and necessary.