It is a well-known fact, agreed upon by all Canadians, that Mike Holmes can solve any problem. If the man were to run for office, he'd win in a landslide.
Integrity. That's his thing. And he's got the look and the attitude to enforce it. Woe betide the slippery contractor who does shoddy work. If Holmes comes along, that slippery contractor is shaking in his steel-toed boots – probably knock-offs, not real ones – and is a quivering mass of fear. When Holmes enters a house, all the mice and spiders run away. The termites come out with their hands up.
Holmes can fix anything, no matter how huge the mess somebody else made. Heck, Holmes could probably fix FIFA and give it some integrity. If it were announced that Holmes was heading for FIFA HQ, Sepp Blatter would come out with his hands up.
Now it my sad duty to report that Holmes is landing on big-time U.S. TV. If they like him down there as much as we like him up here, it could be catastrophic. And if you thought Gretzky leaving Edmonton for Los Angeles was a tear-filled, teeth-gnashing moment of national trauma, imagine the angst of Holmes abandoning us. There would be a National Day of Mourning. Stephen Harper would blame Justin Trudeau. Shady contractors who do shoddy work would cheer, but very, very quietly.
Home Free (HGTV, Fox, 9 p.m.) is not the first time Holmes has brought his brand of toughness, high standards and integrity to the U.S. market. His shows have been on the HGTV channel there. But that's a cable outlet for people who dipsy-doodle in the garden or think hard about installing pot lights in the kitchen. This is Fox. Home of Empire, The Simpsons and the original MasterChef.
Or hero is in Atlanta. (Atlanta!) He has a master plan to renovate eight homes and give them to deserving people. What a terribly Canadian thing. There's a competition angle, though. Of course there is. This is U.S. network TV. A group of couples will work on the renovation projects, under our hero's command. Those who do shoddy work get eliminated by our hero, who poses briefly as a Yank with a bad attitude.
But wait. What the couples don't know is that they will all get a new home. The elimination thing is just a cunning ruse. They all get a house – it's like Canadian socialism gone mad. Mad, I tell you.
We meet the couples. They arrive seated side by side in back of a big ol' truck. It looks like the vehicle transporting prisoners from the hoosegow to court. Very Fox.
But they are all nice, deserving people. "I work two jobs, sometimes three. Owing a house would mean everything to me," one man says. Another says, "During the crash, we had bankruptcy. We lost everything we own."
If that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, meet Andi and Kate, twins, comely gals who want a house for their parents. "Returning the favour for all the years they supported us." Oh Jiminy.
When another couple is interviewed, hubby feels obliged to declare, "I do not have a man crush on Mike Holmes. I just like the way he operates." And the missus chortles, "You do have a man crush on Mike Holmes!" Canadian chaps know the feeling.
"Eight weeks, eight houses! Turn a disaster into a dream home for a deserving family," barks our hero, Holmes. The contestants don't know everyone is getting a house. Then the show settles down to the usual reality-competition TV format. Couples get to pick their team and project after winning a quick test, like on MasterChef. Our hero marches around in his dungarees shouting, "Get that pump working!"
But when he gets annoyed, he goes all Canadian and sighs, "My goodness!" And when a contestant goes squirrelly, is she derided and mocked? No. Our hero pulls one of the contestants off the job for swinging a crowbar in an unsafe manner. She's told to go and sit quietly.
I mean, seriously. "Sit quietly." What kind of reality TV is this anyway?
The Canadian kind, that's what. And if it takes off in the U.S., we are doomed. Our hero will be gone. Livin' large in L.A. and joshing with Jimmy Kimmel on late-night TV. We'll just have to sit quietly and be sad, while Stephen Harper blames Justin Trudeau.
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