In the wake of Straight Outta Compton's excellent reviews and seemingly huge box office potential, I was going to write about hip-hop and R&B biopics. But, unfortunately, there are only really four of them: Notorious, CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story, Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B, and Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story. Maybe these genres are too young, or the requisite life rights and music rights are too sticky. Lord knows we'll be seeing more in the future, as Master P—to take one example—is producing a trilogy about his life.
So, instead, here's something different: a list of the best fictional rappers of film and television history.
Cigar - Black & White
Black & White is a weird bastard child of KIDS and Crash. It tries to say so much and, yet, you leave knowing so much less than when you came. See also: every James Toback film. Its cameos (Iron Mike, Method Man, Power, Allan Houston) make it very watchable, but none was better than the film debut of Raekwon the Chef as rapper Cigar. The film ends with Cigar ascending to fame by way of a music video directed by Brett Ratner (playing Brett Ratner). Ratner Plays Itself.
N.W.H. (Niggas With Hats) - Fear of a Black Hat
Tone Def is a dexterous DJ who can scratch with "his butt and his penis". After forming N.W.H. with Ice Cold and Tasty Taste, he leaves the group N.W.H to go solo and make blissed-out PM Dawn tunes in this underrated parody.
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CB4 - CB4__
Chris Rock can rap really well, but Dead Mike (Allen Payne) wins in this Straight Outta Compton parody: "Flat on her back, I give her some crack/ It's ten o'clock - DO YOU KNOW WHERE YO MOMS IS AT?"
The Mau Maus - Bamboozled
Bamboozled is a Spike Lee joint worthy of the price admission if only for Pierre Delacroix's (Damon Wayan) accent or for Michael Rapaport's spot on oozy turn as a network suit. But also, there's the Mau Maus, a militant fictional rap group named after a real mid-century Puerto Rican gang in Brooklyn, comprised of Canibus, Mos Def, 3rd Bass's MC Serch, Charli Baltimore, and DJ Scratch. They tie the whole film together like a Greek chorus. Says Serch, "B-LA-K: Blak, the opposite of white, man."
Cynthia - Annie B. Real
"The story of a female rapper inspired by the diary of Anne Frank."
Ice + John Hood - Rappin'
Neither John Hood (Mario Van Peebles) nor Ice (Eriq La Salle) can rap, which is why you need to watch this. "This is rap." This shit bangs.
MC Steve Urkel - "Family Matters"
While just the thought of MC Steve Urkel makes everything 25% cornier, his anti-gun message is actually on point. Fuck guns. We're all in the same gang.
Postmaster P - Leprechaun in the Hood
I mean, obviously, fuck this nonsense. But still, crucial best-worst crossover to the big screen.
Krazee-Eyez Killa - "Curb Your Enthusiasm"
Krazee Eyez is a rap cartoon. Like most depictions on this list. But he is and was one of the best things about this long running monument to utter discomfort.
Grandmaster B - "Married With Children"
Oh man, forget about the fact that Bud Bundy's alter ego, Grandmaster B, was "Married With Children"'s proto-Stefan Urquelle. Just know that David Faustino actually released an actual 12" (with Metal Remix) in 1992. Also: related.
"Male Lunch Truck Rapper" (Xzibit) - 8 Mile
While Eminem's character B-Rabbit seems like an obvious choice, Rabbit is automatically disqualified for rapping about his mother’s pasta. When I think of this film (and underground freestyle hip-hop in general), I will always visualize the automotive factory lunchtime cypher of my youth, and this perfect Xzibit cameo that somehow doesn't even merit a proper character name.
Professor Murder - "Mr. Show"
"Niggas talkin' shit? Imma shoot 'im in the gut/ Causin' hocus pocus like my man Kurt Vonnegut". Here's to hoping Professor Murder rides again in the non-Mr. Show reboot of Mr. Show that coming to Netflix soon.
Ike Love/Shameek - Belly
Ike Love—an early screen-stealing role for one of hip-hop’s greatest thespians, Method Man—is never specifically described as a rapper. But what is he doing in this scene if not rapping?
