'Amish Mafia' Recap: Lebanon Levi makes his lover take the bus... and dumps poop over some guy's car

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"Amish Mafia" -- Discovery Channel

"Amish Mafia" had a lot of familiar faces this episode.

We got a brief cameo by Alvin and Big Steve, while we saw Esther in flashback footage.

Oh, how I missed the old gang!

Here's what happened in the fifth episode:

Revenge. Merlin is ticked that Devil Doug abandoned Amish in the middle of a farm after giving them a ride. So he does the same to some Mennonites, who happen to be touring Lancaster. 'Cuz that's how he rolls. 

Missing Books. Levi had one job from the Bishop: to hide the Book of Menno. One job! And he has failed. The book is buried on some random dude's property which is going up for auction. What's a guy to do?

Trips to Florida. Um, obviously the only thing to do is to fly down to Florida with the girl you want to date to track down your former friend who has had no contact with you for months and just so happens to be the one guy who knows where the book is buried because you made him do it by himself.

Devil marks. Lebanon Levi is about ready to be with Susanna for the rest of his life when he sees her in a bikini... and sees that she has TATTOOS! Scandalous. He knows they can never be together and promptly loses all interest. He sends her home on the bus. That's right, the bus. Harsh.

When it comes to Lebanon Levi's romantic life: Florida: 2, Levi: 0.

Jeans. Alvin is spotted leaving a courthouse in jeans (and we all remember how Twitter reacted the first time we saw him in jeans). Levi takes this as a sign that Alvin has gone off the deep end and leaves Florida without even saying hello.

So wait... why did we go to Florida again?

Fair cuts. Merlin has been handling the situation in Lancaster while Levi was basically failing at everything he tried to do in Florida. So when Levi returns, Merlin asks for some money. Levi denies him.

Destruction. Caleb and Alan, meanwhile, are destroying Levi's businesses. They shoot bottles of dandelion wine (because drinking that stuff would be silly). They cut his buggies tops off. They mash up his construction equipment. In sort, they behave very badly.

Brent Miller. Miller means business, you guys. He has a T branded on his hand because he is a thief (get it?). But it's that guy who the bishop assigns to help Levi (even though he asked for Big Steve).

We got a glimpse of Steve. He looked handsome as ever.

Bee bombs. Sometimes cow farts just won't do. For times like those, you need to toss a whole slew of bees into the home of your mortal enemy. Great thinking, Brent Miller.

Poop. Levi tried to buy the rando's farm, but the realtor wouldn't take his money, insisting it needs to go up for auction. So Levi dumped a lot of poop on his car, because he's a grown up.

"Amish Mafia" airs 9 p.m. Tuesdays on Discovery Channel. As always, feel free to follow me on Twitter to read my running commentary throughout the show.

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