I returned to RAW last night in time to see Foley, Cesaro vs. Ziggler, and the main event (watched the rest afterward) and, well, that was almost enough to encapsulate the entire show. Earlier there was a segment where Orton RKO'd Heyman and Cena and a bit where Rusev kicked a "marine" in the head, but nothing's been really popping.
Adding the "#1 Contender" stip to the Cena/Orton Cell match was a good idea, even though it more or less telegraphs a Cena win. But his win was pretty much guaranteed anyhow. My hope here is that, with Orton attacking Cena and Heyman, that their Cell match winds up a draw (somehow) and it becomes Cena vs. Orton vs. Lesnar. I consider that the lesser of all the potential evils. Then Brock can win without pinning Cena. Plus, Survivor Series is in St. Louis. Which is BagS***ville.
A draw however (just play along, I'm still acting like this will happen) might mean that Orton vs. Cena will go on first if Ambrose is set to go over Rollins in the Cell. Just thinking along the lines of a big "send the crowd home happy" moment. I'm still wondering how they'll space these Cell matches out though. One to open the show and one to close it? Back-to back? Separated by a Divas title match? There's still a lot about this HIAC card that's wonky.
My biggest fear though is that we basically saw the extent of the PG-approved Cell violence last night during the closing moments of RAW. Canes, chairs, tables, ring steps annnnd...that's it. That's the "Layoff Era" hardcore playbook. So I'm hoping that everyone gets super-imaginative with these items come HIAC. Because it's basically the same challenge Taco Bell has when they have to come up with new food using the same four ingredients. It eventually got to the point where they wrapped a burrito in a quesadilla and screamed "F*** YOU!" at the universe. Next they'll shove bits of meat inside the hole of a churro and call it a Cinna-Beefo-Blaster. Right before crawling into a bathtub and opening a couple of veins.
Now, let's talk Foley. In fact, first let's watch Foley. Here's Foley talking to IGN's Eric Goldman about his new Santa Claus documentary at NYCC...That's right, Foley's been wearing Santa garb non-stop for almost a year now. He loves that jolly, fat bearded corporate icon about almost as much as love Chicka-Cheesa-Meata-Melta-Bowls. And since he couldn't break his Santa streak, he was rockin' the Claus on RAW too. And I didn't find out until later that the best part of his surprise appearance was that his kids didn't even know he was going to be on.
Noelle Foley, by the way, training to be a wrestler. Which is awesome. Even more awesome? I just tried to google "Female Mick Foley Cosplay" in an attempt to find a picture of a chick dressed like Mankind or something. The way those girls dressed up like the Wyatts last year. And the first thing that popped up was "Female Urinary Catheters." Which isn't nearly as sexy.
So there Foley was, in all his Kris Kringle glory. Explaining his love for Santa as being a coping mechanism that now helps him cling to the last vestiges of his innocence. Doing his best to help hype the PPV match. And it was a lot of fun. Though, for me, I feel like every single legend could pop up at any time. Sure, Foley has reportedly been on the "outs" with the WWE since he started criti-blogging the product last January. Even accidentally sending Vince a text message meant for Brie about being upset that Bryan wasn't in the Rumble.
But I think the fact that Foley's out there on podcasts (that story came from a cast and a print interview) and doing his own comedy shows makes me think he's always around. It's not like he "goes away." He's always doing stuff. I don't know. I'm not easily wow'd when it comes to legend guest spots. I'm an a-hole. I just feel like almost everyone's ready to fly in for RAW whenever they're needed. And even if they haven't been on the show in, like, a year or more, it still feels like they've been on.
I'll tell you who I do want on RAW though. Eliza mothereffin' Coupe. She's got a new USA show and that means, by all USA show contracts ever apparently, that she'll have to show up on RAW and do a skit where Torito adorably rams his head into her ass. And I love Eliza Coupe more than Mick Foley loves Santa Claus. In fact, I'm wearing an Eliza Coupe vest right now. That I made out of magazine clippings, but also isn't totally creepy at all.
Anyhow, if she shows up on RAW it'll more than make up for the fact that Chrisley Knows Best was just picked up for a Season 3. Which normally would make me super angry except it's not even a real show that exists and anyone who says so is just playing an elaborate prank on me. Good one, world. You had me going there for a second.
Dan Ambrose abuses a doll, plus Paige to Total Divas, on Page 2...
Elsewhere on RAW, Dean Ambrose had his way with a tiny Seth Rollins doll. Including a few moments where he had to use the doll to show the prosecuting attorney where the bad man touched him.
All of this means one thing. We're getting closer, week by week, to having an all-puppet version RAW. It will happen. I've made all the necessary preparations. The spectral hound barked thrice on the eve of Mabon and the moss on the bog stone was in the shape of a crescent moon. Puppet RAW is nigh.
More from RAW...during an awesome moment than totally redeemed the fact that we were pretty much watching a Smackdown rematch, Mizdow pinned Sheamus and The Miz's reaction was priceless.
This gimmick keeps getting better and better and I pray - even though this "win" helps set up a rift - that they drag it all out until 'Mania. Because if a Miz vs. Mizdow match is going to happen, it needs to happen there. It could stand on its own or it could even be the IC/US title unification match we're all waiting for. Perhaps Mizdow wins one of the belts for Miz and then refuses to give it up.
Also, since I'm casually 'Mania booking in October, let's run with the AJ vs. Steph scenario. Maybe Steph has the belt. Or maybe neither one does. It's still gold. And it feeds into my next item here about Paige and Alicia both joining the next season of Total Divas.
Look. I'll start this rant off with the one bit of good news regarding this development. And that is that Paige...is in front. Up there. In the picture. That's sort of nice, right?
Other than that, this is terrible news for the likes of Paige given that there are very few Divas on the roster who we'd like to remain untarnished by that damn show. And plus there's a rumor going around -- though Steph says it's not true in this interview -- that Vince has made it a rule that anyone appearing on that show will not be Divas champion. Which is a good rule, I think, given the nature of the series and the way it turns everyone on it into a hot mess of seeping, oozing, vibrating dysfunction. Again, though, more bad news for Paige fans. Though, I suppose, good news for Paige fan who simply want to see more Paige.
And at least she already has the Rosa boob-pat down pat.
Now we don't know if this Vince rule thing is true. As mentioned, Steph says it's not. The only evidence people are going on is that, indeed, no Total Diva has been champ since the show started up. That doesn't mean it will always hold true. It also doesn't mean that Paige will be on the show more than this one season. We do all sort of know that Vince wasn't too into Paige in the first place. And that her run as a babyface champ sort of went nowhere. And she wasn't given mic time because of the whole "Vince doesn't get/understand anything resembling goth" deal.
When Paige turned heel though, things changed. So I assumed the suits were high on her. I don't know. Does being shuffled off to do Total Divas mean that they like you or that they don't like you? I'm not sure how that show is viewed within the company. It certainly didn't stop Brie from having a big storyline and a big SummerSlam match, right?
Let's also stop pretending like Paige had a real choice in the matter. There were more than a few people who were upset with her online. Crying "sellout." Seriously. This was a message I got (not going to embed actual tweet out of respect for privacy)
"absolutely she had a choice, she couldve said no, left the company and joined any fed in the world, this is a sell out #fact"
You're right. She did have a choice. She could have risked and/or quit her job with the WWE. What a stooge. What a kiss-up. Wanting to be employed with the biggest wrestling promotion in the world and not wanting to leave and maybe go wrestle for a fraction of the pay she's making now. Damn her for not wanting to leave the company that's made her a two-time Divas champ by the age of 22.
So then the issue of "Well, AJ refused to be on the show" came up. Which is true. AJ, who's been the top Diva in the company for the past three years, said no when they first asked her to be on it. Two years ago when the show was first starting up and no one knew what it would be or knew if it would even be a hit. She declined. Again. Top gal in the promotion. Now she's not (and never will be probably) going to be on the show because she's married to Punk. Also, given that she's low-key and has an "indoor kid" demeanor, she might not be the best fit for the series. Even if they do manufacture arguments (and divorces) for the show.
Angle resigns with TNA, Orton RKOs Superman, and more on Page 3...
So yes, this Paige news is a bummer. And hopefully she will be able to remain different from the rest of the rabble in certain ways. Everyone on that show right now, in some respect, craves the spotlight - any spotlight. So we'll have to see where Paige lands on that spectrum.
Speaking of the show - a former Total Diva (the only one as of right now really), freakin' Jo Jo, showed up in the blink of an eye during one of Sunday's episodes. She literally walked by and one of the Bellas was like "Miss you." And yes, the show is now airing two episodes every Sunday night. Which is wicked beyond words. Even fast-forwarding through most of two episodes is a chore. All I really remember is that four of the worst people on Earth decided that it was a good idea to take a road trip together. And every time they saw something or heard something they were like "What is that even?" or "Who even says that?" Like they were like inter-dimensional travelers from a plane of existence that only has spray tan and overhead shoulder press gym equipment.
Also, because the WWE is dead set on both making me worry about Daniel Bryan's health and finances, they ran a story where Bryan was upset anytime Brie spent money on anything. Though he did have some amazing advice when Brie wondered what the theme of Eva Marie's bachelor party should be. "Transformers" he said. There's no GIF of it so you'll just have to imagine it. Remember imagining things? That was a great time in life.
Oh, and Nattie and TJ got into a huge fight about divorce and cats and some other bulls***. They're both bad people. His emotions range from "chill" to "super-mega-chill" to "autopsy" whereas she's gross swirl of pratfalls and entitlement. She accused him of loving the cats more than her. Which is true. But to be fair, they both love the cats more than the other person.
Over on TNA, Brodus Clay - now going by Tyrus ("His name is Tyrus" EC3 said over and over, Fight Club-style) - made his debut against Shark Boy. It's weird watching TNA right now. Even weirder to see them bring in new people for temporary gigs. Everything's in flux. Tapings are done with through the end of 2014. Certain wrestlers' contracts are already up and others are on the cusp of being up. There's no new TV deal set for 2015 yet. I don't know if I should hang in there or if I'm watching the final wheezes of a dying company.
Some reports are saying that Kurt Angle's re-signed with TNA. Which is sad for those of us who were looking forward to seeing him back in the WWE at some point before his career winds up. The story is that Angle wanted a part-time schedule and the WWE would only offer him a full-time one. Which, considering Angle's physical shape, seems to be the WWE's way of rejecting him without rejecting him. It's like "Sure, we'll take you back. But only at a pace that you can't handle."
Thank you to Scott, someone named "Poopsie," and Michael for your "GDYC" love at RAW last night...
Michael even got a picture with "Sign Guy" Rick...
Last week I posted that series of "RKO Outta Nowhere" Vines right at the end of the Wrap. I'm surprised the WWE's hasn't latched onto this craze like a xenomorph parasitoid facehugger. Especially since it's now being reenacted at sporting events...I do think we've found our winner though. And perhaps the end of the entire meme...
Looking to make friends on the internet? Then follow me and learn a cruel and harsh lesson about trusting too much and opening up too soon. Remember, no one can break your heart if you don't have one.
Kneelift!
Watch Wrestling