Look, we could begin this, our daily Mill, with a circumlocutory introduction that would segue conveniently to the first significant rumour. But it’s Friday and we both have better things to do, so let’s proceed straight to the scuttlebutt.
The big news is that Wayne Rooney will be offered £500,000 a week to join Shanghai Shenhua in the Chinese Retirement Community. Manchester United will be offered £27m for his services (sic), but will only accept the bid if they switch back from a marketing machine to a football club.
José Mourinho may not actually be United’s manager, but such semantics should never get in the way of a spending spree: he will soon make his 12th signing as United boss, the Internazionale forward Mauro Icardi. Inter are driving an Andrex-soft bargain on this one, and will only sell Icardi if they get Matteo Darmian in part-exchange.
The rags also suggest that Mourinho will return to Inter as coach if United don’t get a move on and sack Louis van Gaal, a report that should in no circumstances be interpreted as Mourinho briefing the press so that he gets instant gratification, like a child.
Juan Mata has already said an emotional farewell to the baristas in his local Starbucks in anticipation of Mourinho coming to Old Trafford. He could be used in part-exchange for Atlético Madrid’s Antoine Griezmann.
Out of the goodness of his heart, and on the off chance he’s managing there next season, Diego Simeone has advised Chelsea to sign Borussia Dortmund genius Marco Reus.
Yaya Touré will take his unique brand of lethargic omnipotence to the MLS in the summer: New York Red Bulls and Orlando City both want him for those two minutes per game when he is unplayable.
Manchester City will replace him with crack £39m Swiss Borussia Monchengladbach ace Granit Xhaka, if Arsenal or Liverpool don’t get there first.
Last and emphatically least: Swansea will sign Evian’s Jonathan Mensah – not to be confused with Sunderland legend John Mensah – on a free transfer.