For the longest time, activists called for the legalization of marijuana as a sort of miracle cure, a medicinal herb good for whatever ails you, whether you suffer from sleeplessness, chronic pain, fibromyalgia, dementia, migraines, Crohn’s, Parkinson’s, multiple sclerosis, or simply a harshed buzz. But now that marijuana is readily available as a wonder drug in a majority of states, what’s the advocate of countercultural cures to do?
‘Shrooms, of course.
Not long ago, a large envelope arrived at my Washington home. In prominent script, I was exhorted to sign onto a ballot initiative to “Decriminalize Nature.” “Well, why ever not?” I thought: The planet has enough woes without Nature herself getting cuffed and interrogated.
But it turns out it wasn’t Nature writ large that has been considered illicit by the law, just certain fungi known to unravel the warp and weft of the mind. Thus, the illustration on the envelope of three little conical-capped “magic mushrooms,” the sort popular with “heads” for their hallucinogenic properties. Initiative 81 would, in the parlance of our times, defund police enforcement of laws against psilocybin, the active ingredient in not only mushrooms but LSD, too.
Enclosed were promotional slicks touting the healing properties of “entheogenic” plants and fungi such as certain mushrooms, cacti, and other psychedelic flora. The sponsor of the ballot initiative told of how the naturally occurring drugs allowed her to “affirm the joys of being alive.” There was a testimonial by Mikhail Kogan, the medical director of the George Washington University Center for Integrative Medicine. Who knew that an institution as establishment-oriented as GWU could be so trippy?
There’s nothing new in taking recreational drugs and packaging them up as cure-alls. The great quack-tonic industry of the 19th century was built on mixing such ingredients as cocaine and opium into a base of high-proof alcohol. “Natural” ingredients were included primarily to distinguish one narcotic cocktail from the other. If Dr. Thacher’s Laxative Compound of Senna and Rhubarb didn’t keep you regular, there was always Dr. Kilmer’s Swamp Root or Taylor’s Cherokee Remedy of Sweet Gum and Mullein. The less said about Sherman’s Worm Lozenges, the better.
It was once thought that moving beyond such dubious remedies was a sign of progress. But such progress requires laws and law enforcement, things that are rather unfashionable at the moment.
Hallucinogenic mushrooms, like their synthetic cousin LSD, are illegal under federal law, and no voter initiative in the District of Columbia is going to change that. But it turns out the initiative to decriminalize “nature” doesn’t actually decriminalize anything. It merely asks police and prosecutors to pretend that the laws against psychedelics don’t exist.
The mushroom movement just goes to show that marijuana is a gateway drug, after all — a gateway to legalization, that is. Now that wacky tobacky is medicine, it was only natural that psychedelics would be next. Once there are dispensaries for hallucinogenic fungi, is there any doubt that opium will take its place in line?
In fact, let me be the first to predict that “medicinal” opium dens are on the horizon. There will be lifestyle columns in fashionable publications that will review the best opium dens — judging not only the quality of the drugs themselves but also their presentation, the luxuriousness of the bedding, and the authenticity of the pipes.
Count me out. As your faithful columnist, I can often be found extolling the virtues of intoxicating spirits and other beverages suitable for convivial adults. I shall not, however, be found touting Mezzrow or mushrooms, hashish or heroin. For whatever reason, I’m not interested in mind-altering cactus plants (and please don’t write to me to say that agave is, when turned into mescal, a mind-altering cactus plant). The woke will find my distinction between the fruit of the vine and the product of the poppy to be hypocritical. But I count on you, dear reader, to share my aversion to dope.
Strong drink is not without its dangers, but so too is fire. The careful handling of each is a sign of civilization. Psychedelics come with a different sort of danger — the risk of losing one’s mind on Ken Kesey’s bus.
Eric Felten is the James Beard Award-winning author of How’s Your Drink?
