I WAS pleased for Kylie Jenner. To be candid, I am not familiar with her oeuvre. It says here that she is a “fashion icon”, but I have not seen her in the catalogues in Cotton Traders or Edinburgh Woollen Mill. Perhaps she’s a bit more niche.

At any rate, she raked in £437 million this year, so she must be doing something right. Does she model thermals? It occurs to me that you could do quite a lot with £437m. I could get a new shed. I could get a new car, perhaps even one that was manufactured in the 21st century.

I could go on a fancy holiday, Covid permitting. This year, I have had one night in Thurso. For dinner, on that blissful evening of freedom, I ate supermarket sandwiches in the car. Egg mayonnaise: just checked the details in my journal.

The problem is, once you’ve done all that, what do you do with the rest of the money? You couldn’t possibly spend it all. Kylie must have lots of sheds by now and, even if she upgraded her lawnmower, she’d still have some change left.

Kylie’s brother-in-law, Kanye West, the US presidential candidate, came second in the list of high earning celebrities, on £126m, while her half-sister Kim Kardashian coined in £36.7m from showing her bottom. You wouldn’t have trouble borrowing 50p for the meter in that family.

It must be pretty hellish at Christmas time, though. What to get the person who has everything? I’d probably just put a tenner in with the card. Sometimes, it’s best to let people just get what they want.

Other celebrities on the high earnings list include sports stars, actors and singers. They couldn’t have had the same school careers officer that I had (“Robert should probably avoid working with other people, and would suit work that did not involve any responsibility or initiative”).

Some people are born into wealth. And our hard-right deity decides: “Yea, and lo, even more shall be given unto them, ken?” Thus Prince Harry. Despite deserting the British royal family to join the Revolution, he and his burd, Magrit Muckle, have been coining it in.

First, they got a deal worth an estimated $100m from Netflix for producing programmes with woke themes, such as inequalities of wealth and opportunity. Now, they’ve secured up to £30m for doing podcasts with the same post-religious messages for Spotify.

However, it’s not just people with important political roles who are making big bucks. In the world of entertainment, Dominic Cummings, during his time as chief adviser to the Prime Minister, reportedly had his pay bumped up from £95,000 to £145,000, as a bonus for increasing public contentment during covid.

Other civil servants benefited from working selflessly, with 552 now earning more than £150,000 a year.

I hope I haven’t made any of you envious with these tidings. I like to think that you are poor – probably deservedly so, through idleness and accidents of birth – but happy. You should not be envious, because that is a sin. You should congratulate the aforementioned stars and heroes for their good fortune.

All that said, I wish my school careers officer had been a bit more ambitious on my behalf, with his report saying: “Though Robert has no personality or talent, he should consider becoming a singer, modelling cardigans, showing his bottom or playing footer for a living. He has stated that his ambition in life is to own two sheds one day, and these are the only means I can see by which he might attain this.”

Bunker mentality

AS someone who finds it difficult planning ahead, I suspect the chances of my investing in an anti-emergency underground bunker are remote.

However, in America, where there is a “survivalist” culture, ever anticipating disasters and mayhem, the coronavirus pandemic has fuelled demand for bunkers, with one company reporting a 500% increase in sales and a 2,000% rise in enquiries.

One site in South Dakota contains 575 bunkers, an astonishing sight, spread out as they are across a huge plain.

So-called preppers – fellows who like to be prepared – are also starting to raise their goggle-eyed heads in Britain, partly because of Brexit but partly also, as in the US, for fear of communist revolution and solar flares from ooter space.

With British supermarkets already stockpiling tinned foods, pasta and lavatory rolls, in the event of a no-deal Brexit leading to panic-buying, I’m beginning to think I’m missing a trick here and that, as ever, I am out of step with my fellows.

I shall ever be Rab the Unready. I haven’t even sent my Christmas card yet. However, as it is only to myself, I do not anticipate any major upset if it arrives a little late.

Five things we’ve learned this week

Are you fond of a toasted crumpet? If so, think again. Health campaigners warned that one crumpet can contain as much salt as two portions of McDonald’s fries. To hell with the crumpet then. Might as well have the chips.

Still on the subject of delicious foods, Brussels sprouts will be 50% larger this Christmas as a result of the warm summer. However, once we’re out of Europe, we’ll all be able to enjoy sensibly-sized British sprouts once more.

A survey found 48% of millennials didn’t know how to make beans on toast. They were “worried” they might get it wrong. Yes, cooking beans can be stressful. But, given a safe space and supportive counselling, it can be done.

This cannot be right. It says parsnips are now the most sought after Christmas dinner trimming. Parsnips? Is that a vegetable? All right, square go: parsnip vs chipolata sausage. Put your money where your taste buds are. The sausage wins!

In Mexico City, archaeologists unearthed part of an Aztec tower made of human skulls. In Aztec civilisation, human sacrifice was thought to ensure the continued existence of the universe. Civilisation? What were these people, readers? Correct. These people were nutters.

Our columns are a platform for writers to express their opinions. They do not necessarily represent the views of The Herald.