The most ingenious - and irritating - instrument ever produced

I was at home several days ago trying to find some information on the Internet about a project I was contemplating. The telephone next to my computer desk rang. I’m developing more of an aversion than ever to answering the phone these days, and the following illustrates why.

The voice on the other end, a robot voice I’m sure, said this is my “final call to offer an opportunity to reduce your credit card purchase rates...”

Ha! If I had a dollar for every time I’ve received that so-called “final call,” then I’d have enough money to pay exorbitant rates. I hung up the phone because I’ve heard the spiel before, in fact, I’ve heard it so many times I probably have it memorized and can spout it out better than the robot.

Back to my computer searching for something – and trying to remember exactly what it was I was looking for – the phone rang again. I checked the Caller ID and although I did not recognize the caller or the number, it seemed to be coming from a local phone in our 352 Area Code. So, gullible as I am, I answered once again.

“Hello,” another robot voice said, “we are returning the call you made contacting us about the constant pain you’ve been experiencing. Please hold while our consultants...”

I hung up again. The only “constant pain” I experience that these scam calls could cure would be the pain I feel whenever another needless, useless call comes in on my home phone. They could cure my “constant pain” just by not calling!

Once more, I hovered over the computer keyboard, trying again to remember what it was I was doing before the phone rang the first time. Just as I recalled what I was looking for – you guessed it – the phone rang again.

This time, it was to inform me the warranty on my car was about to expire, but if I acted immediately I could keep that monumental disaster from occurring. “Please hold for the next available representative...”

I didn’t feel like holding for the next available representative so I hung up again.

I wandered out to the kitchen for a moment to refresh my cup of coffee and just as I came back the inevitable happened again.

“Hello,” the voice said, “we are attempting to contact you about the braces you requested, which are now covered by Medicare. Please do not hang up. Someone will be with you shortly...”

The only brace I would like to have is a brace of pistols to protect myself from all these non-stop robot calls.

Back at the computer, I was having difficulty getting all these stupid interruptions out of my mind. I recalled reading that a certain gentleman back in the 19th Century outlawed any telephone being placed in his household. I’ve often wondered if he knew something the rest of us do not. His name is familiar to all of us.

Back on track with my Internet searching, that dad-gummed miserable device rang yet again! This surely had to be a record number of calls to my phone within a very short period of time. I decided not to answer but, by the third ring, I relented and picked up the phone.

“Hello,” the voice said, “I calling ‘bout the problem you haf wid your Windows compuder...”

I’m positive old Alexander Graham Bell knew exactly what he was doing when he outlawed computers in his home!

VACANT LOT: Ocala’s Theresa Grimes wrote: “The question arose of what to do with the vacant lot located at the corner of South Pine and 17th Street. Some suggestions were made of putting another restaurant there. How about putting a permanent shower facility for the homeless? It can be an area where people in need can go in, take a welcomed shower, maybe offer a corner with clothes laundering facilities and maybe someone can put in a barber shop. A person that is looking for a job or has an interview needs someplace to refresh themselves so they can get that job. We don't need more restaurants in that area, we need to build a place to help more in need and taking a bath may make the day for someone.”

SHORT CUT: Marion Oaks’ Suzanne DePascale wrote: “As far as the standard computer keyboard is set up, you can access the website duckduckgo by using only the left hand on the keyboard, typing ddg, then the enter key. This also applies to Facebook and Twitter. Just type the two letters fa, then the enter key and you're on Facebook. For Twitter, just type the two letters tw and the enter key. The only thing the right hand has to do is hit the enter key.”

Suzanne, that must be a Windows thing. It doesn’t work on my Macintosh.

SPAGHETTI LOVERS: First Saturday of the Month Spaghetti and Meatballs dinner will be held 4-7 p.m. today at Our Lady of the Springs Catholic Church, 4047 NE 21st St. in Ocala.

Included in the $9 price is spaghetti, meatballs, salad, bread, garlic knots, dessert, iced tea and coffee. Italian sausage is optional for an additional fee. And if you go, you know what to tell ‘em, right? Tell ‘em Emory sent you!

Please send your comments to slyguy73@gmail.com and include your FULL name and town. This column appears each Thursday and Saturday on page 1B and online at ocala.com.