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You know those summer weekend seminars the NBA sets up for incoming rookies? Where they talk to guys about how to handle the money, pressure and attention of life in the Association?
Well, a lot of folks don't know this (we try not to advertise because it's one of those ESPN-NBA synergy things the journalistic integrity police might take exception to), but Page 2 actually runs those things. True story.
|  | | If you want to keep everyone happy, you better listen up. |
Most of it's pretty standard -- simulated postgame interviews, investment planning, condoms on bananas, cautionary tales from guys with Playstation-induced carpal-tunnel, a stirring just-say-no speech from the Chili Peppers' Anthony Kiedis, a stern don't-you-disappoint-me-son-because-I-will-come-over-there-and-lay-you-across-my-knee talk from Kevin Garnett's mom, the "Duck and Cover" flick and some of those '50s good hygiene movies, the usual -- but this year we're trying
something a little different by offering the players targeted advice, as well.
Just after our "Be a Player not a Playah" workshop on responsible spending wraps on Sunday afternoon, the rooks report to me for short exit interviews. I sit each of them down, give them the Page 2 gift bag (recycled stuff from last year's ESPYs, some freebies from "Jimmy Kimmel Live," courtesy of Simmons, and a Jennie Finch bobblehead), then give 'em the serious wisdom-of-the-elders look and say, "I've got two things I want you to remember when you leave here, two things I wanna see taped to the door of your locker, two things I'd tell you to tattoo on your butt if I weren't so squeamish at the thought of needles. More than anything else you've heard here this weekend, these two things will get you through this first year. Two things. And here they are ..."
It's different for each guy, a little something tailored to his new city and team, to his experience, and so on.
Anyway, here's a sneak peek of how it'll go for each of this year's lottery scrubs when they step into my office:
13. Troy Bell, Memphis Grizzlies (via a deal with Boston)
"The grizzly bear lives in a variety of habitats, from dense forest, to sub alpine meadows and arctic tundra. Human encroachment has forced today's grizzly bear to select rugged mountains and remote forests that are undisturbed by humans. The grizzly bear lives in Alaska and Western Canada, also Idaho, Montana, Wyoming and Washington state. Notice I did not say Memphis, Tennessee. This will trouble you at times, this absence of grizzlies. Put it out of your mind. Never speak of it. Be glad you weren't drafted by the Jazz in Utah."
"King Ad-Rock is not the King, King Kong is not the King, LeBron is not the King ... not even Elvis is the King. Mr. Clutch is the King."
12. Nick Collison, Seattle SuperSonics
"It's lah-tay. Say it with me: Laaaaaahhhh-taaaayyy."
|  | | We're here to help, Nick. |
"Somewhere, maybe down at the Pike Place Market, maybe on a ferry ride over to Bainbridge, you're going to meet a guy dressed in a purple warm-up -- red cheeks, blond hair, a crazed, desperate look in his eyes -- and he's going to mumble something about how he's been wronged, and about how it was only 20 grand, and at some point he's going to ask you to write him a letter of support. Walk away from this man. Quickly."
11. Mickael Pietras, Golden State Warriors
"The best BBQ you'll ever have in your life is at Flint's on San Pablo Avenue in Oakland. Do not order the hot sauce if you have a game that night. And whenever you do order the hot sauce, do not forget your single slice of Roman Meal bread -- without it your tongue will blister and shrivel like that steak on the kitchen counter in 'Poltergeist.'"
"The young, skinny guy in the suit you keep seeing around? He's the head coach."
10. Jarvis Hayes, Washington Wizards
"Never say: beyond, inside, beneath, below, around, in or out of touch with, 'the beltway.'"
"Hypothetical: Let's say you're invited to lunch tomorrow at noon by both President Bush and Elvin Hayes. What do you do? Easy. You tell the president it's an honor to be asked, but you're afraid you're going to have to take a rain check. Why? First, because Hayes will have the better table at the better restaurant. And second, who are we kidding, he's the Big freakin' E, man."
"Oh, and one other thing (I know I said there'd only be two, but this is important): When you go to the Smithsonian, take a buddy. The place is huge -- a guy could get lost for days."
9. Michael Sweetney, New York Knicks
"Screw 'plastics.' You want one word? I got one word for you: 'hats.' And I'm not talking ballcaps, or knits. I'm talking big, fuzzy, wide-brimmed throwbacks. I'm talking something that says Clyde Frazier is my co-pilot. I'm talking things
like this.
"Ask yourself: Would it kill you to ride the train every once in a while? Tell yourself: Ride the train every once in a while for god's sake, why dontcha? The people will love you for it."
8. T.J. Ford, Milwaukee Bucks
"When George questions your manhood -- and he will question your manhood, and he will bring up the braids -- clock him."
|  | | You're smiling now, but wait until George gets a hold of you. |
"There'll come a time (I know this sounds absurd to you now) when you're bored with XBox and tired of take-out. There will come a time when you will want to go out on the town, soak up the nightlife, see and be seen. At that time, you will have two options: 1. Drive to Chicago. 2. Wait for the feeling to pass, sit back down with the XBox, and pull out another takeout menu."
7. Kirk Hinrich, Chicago Bulls
"Decide now: Cubs or Sox. And don't hesitate -- they smell indecision."
"You wanna know how you do it? Here's how: They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send on of his to the morgue! That's the Chicago way, and that's how you get Capone! Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that?"
6. Chris Kaman, Los Angeles Clippers
"Dude, I got nothing for you."
"Really. I'm sorry. I wish I could help."
5. Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat
"The rhythm is gonna get you."
"Your mission, should you choose to accept it: find Philip Michael Thomas and bring him home alive."
4. Chris Bosh, Toronto Raptors
"The CN Tower is 1,815 feet and 5 inches high, making it the tallest building in the world. Repeat this fact at parties and mixers. Tell it to pretty girls. Pretend you care (about the tower)."
"You should know before you go up there: that whole 'South Park' "Blame Canada"' thing? That was no joke."
3. Carmelo Anthony, Denver Nuggets
Send Jason a little something nice, maybe a fruit basket or a toy for the boy. Do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. And the next two days after that. On the seventh day, light a candle at the Jason Kidd altar you've built out of river stones and bottle caps. Now pray."
|  | | With a year of college, Carmelo is one of the draft's elder statesmen. |
"The new unis are Carolina Blue or UCLA Blue. They are not -- not now, not ever -- to be referred to as 'powder blue.'"
2. Darko Milicic, Detroit Pistons
"Do you know where you're going to? / Do you like the things that life is showing you / Where are you going to? / Do you know? / Do you get / What you're hoping for? / When you look behind you/There's no open door / What are you hoping for? / Do you know?"
"WWBD: What Would Barry Do -- this little self-monitoring mantra and an Axel Foley Lions jacket, maybe some early Jackson Five discs in the car stereo, and you're going to be fine."
1. LeBron James, Cleveland Caveliers
"Politics, the weather, pop culture -- folks will be asking your opinion on everything. So if it comes up, Rush is a definite No for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. R.E.M.'s a lock, and Nirvana's a maybe."
"Some people downplay the savior thing, keep expectations reasonable. I say we're way past that. I say press conferences in robes and sandals, answers in parables. I say do it up."
Eric Neel is a regular columnist for Page 2.
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