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In January this year, I suffered a bicycling injury that laid me up for two months. By the time I healed, I was ready to get back out in the world and socialize ... maybe even meet a new romantic partner. "Not so fast, Buster; we've got a pandemic going on. You're now in quarantine." Huh! What?
Sure, there are many online events I could attend, but it's just not the same. How am I going to make eye-contact and flirt on a Zoom call? I haven't tried online dating in over a decade—because it always felt so awkward—but now with the lockdown, it's starting to appear attractive again.
Quarantine, physical distancing, and mask-wearing during the current COVID-19 pandemic have put a damper on socializing. The virus has limited our ability to meet new people organically, especially for those of us looking to date. Going out to bars, events, clubs, meetings, parties, and other social opportunities have nearly stopped. And loneliness is driving would-be daters back online.
Waiting to meet them is a host of hungry narcissists. According to Jean M. Twenge, and W. Keith Campbell, in their book, The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, narcissism is on the rise.
Prior to the pandemic, as reported by CNBC.com, the top 15 dating apps were shrinking globally. Now dating apps are experiencing a resurgence. Dating.com reported that, in March, worldwide online dating was up 82%. And lurking out there in the online dating world are narcissists looking to feed on a new supply of victims. Here's how to protect yourself...
5 Red Flags to Look Out for While Dating Online
I had the opportunity to interview Dr. Abby Lev, a clinical psychologist and CBT Online Founder based in the San Francisco Bay area. She offered five red flags to watch out for while dating online.
Red Flag 1: Narcissists have an inflated ego and a grandiose sense of importance.
Red Flag 2: Narcissists lack empathy and will gaslight (lie to) you to keep you confused.
Red Flag 3: Narcissists hate being ignored.
Red Flag 4: Narcissists will act needy to get an emotional reaction from you.
Red Flag 5: Narcissists spend their energy trying to control you and push your buttons.
Dr. Lev told me that until you start communicating with a narcissist, it will be challenging to identify them. Once you're messaging, texting, and talking with them on the phone, the traits and characteristics of narcissism will start to appear.
Overt vs. Covert Narcissists
Dr. Lev explained how there are two types of narcissists: overt and covert. The overt narcissist is easier to spot. They are the ones who are grandiose and love to talk about themselves.
The covert narcissist will be shy, listen attentively, and ask you lots of questions. When they talk about themselves, the details will be more general than specific. She said more women tend to be covert narcissists and that the covert narcissist is more dangerous than the overt narcissist.
When I asked her to explain the danger, she replied: "A covert narcissist is harder to identify than an overt narcissist. Because their behaviors are more subtle, it’s more difficult for the person to know that they are dealing with someone who is narcissistic. Their behaviors are more introverted versus the overt narcissist who is more extroverted, making it harder to identify them.
"Both covert and overt narcissists crave admiration and a feeling of self-importance but act differently. Instead of being obvious, a covert narcissist may minimize their accomplishments to seek approval and reassurance from others.
"Some studies suggest that a covert narcissist may have less empathy than an overt narcissist. And some studies suggest that they may have more anger and hostility, but studies are inconclusive."
You'll Be Inundated by All Forms of Communication
Dr. Lev says an early sign that you're dating a narcissist, of either type, is love bombing. They will text, phone, or message you on social media often. You'll receive excessive compliments and flattery.
Another sign is that they will say things like, "I've never felt like this before." You might hear something like: "We must be soulmates." "We were meant to be together; it's fate." "You really understand me like no one else ever has before."
Once you start dating, they will say things like: "I've never done this before," or "This is the most fun I've had doing (whatever you are doing at the moment)." They will use mirroring and say they love whatever you love: type of music, movies, sports, food, and so on. A narcissist will be chameleon-like.
You Will Feel Rushed into Commitment
Dr. Lev adds, "Both types will want to move the relationship quickly." They will be very persistent. Another sign is that they will want to do something together with you that makes you dependent on them, such as buying a house or car together.
Here's an Easy Way to Test for Narcissism
Dr. Lev offers this method for finding out if someone is a narcissist: "Ask them about their exes." They will vilify their ex-partner or spouse but will not share specifics. They will be vague and say something general like, "She cheated on me." If you ask for details, they won't give you any.
The same thing will happen if you ask them about their friends; you'll get a two-dimensional description because they are really talking about themselves. Dr. Lev says that 90% of what narcissists say is projection. If they accuse you of something, then they are probably doing that.
The covert narcissist will be good with words. They are manipulative and will tell the opposite sex what they want to hear the most. Both types will use excessive flattery—especially about something you are insecure about. They want you to be addicted to them.
Dr. Lev told me that narcissists have cold empathy, which means they are good at reading people. "They know what people are feeling, but they just don't care."
She says an overt narcissist will make you feel very special, while the covert narcissist will make everything all about you. What they are doing is gathering information about you to ensnare you. They use the information they collect against you by distorting it. For example, if you show empathy to someone, the narcissist might say you are being too emotional. If you are caring and kind to someone, they'll accuse you of flirting with that person.
Narcissists Have Three Partners at Once
The most fascinating thing I learned from Dr. Lev is this: "Both types of narcissists will have three romantic partners at a time: their previous, current, and future partner." While they are dating you—and you think it's exclusive—the narcissists are keeping their options open with exes while sizing up and communicating with potential new lovers. Once they've dated someone, they think they own that person. They need a partner at all times; having a ready source of narcissistic supply is extremely important to them.
How to Recognize a Narcissist From Their Online Dating Profile
I've gathered some information on spotting narcissists online from a few life coaches who work with victims of narcissism:
Do They Seem a Little Too Sophisticated and Amazing?
Life coach Angie Atkinson, in her YouTube video How to Spot Narcissists On Dating Sites: Red Flags and Giveaways, offers a way that you can potentially identify narcissists on dating sites, "Look at their photos, their photos are going to be very telling because not only will they be beautiful and amazing, but they will also show this amazing, fun, sporty, healthy, wealthy person, who loves people, who doesn't have any fear; someone who is a lot of fun, and even a little bit down to earth, even though they are so sophisticated and amazing. They'll prove this by having at least one photo where they're kind of making a funny face, or sticking their tongue out, or crossing their eyes, but of course, that one will also be beautiful and incredibly posed."
Look for Snobbery and Pretentiousness
Life coach Julie Melilo, in her YouTube video Spot Narcs Online! Tiny Red Flags of Narcissism on Dating Apps, suggests, "Look for a cluster of narcissistic signs. You want to look for a cluster of things, not just one." As an example, she says, "Narcissists love to put everything down. They will divide everything into Winner/Loser, Black/White, and then they devalue the loser." She also notes that they constantly tell you one thing is better than the other. They will use the word, "good" as in, I only drink good wine, go to good restaurants, or listen to good music. To the narcissist, it's all about: "I'm up here; you're down there." "I'm a winner; you're a loser."
Playgrounds and Candy Stores for Narcs
Life coach Lisa Romano, in her YouTube video SIGNS You're Dealing With A NARCISSIST When DATING Online (Narcissist Red Flags), warns, "Narcissists are hard to spot in person. They are even harder to spot online." She adds, "Dating apps are candy stores for narcissistic personalities." And, "Online dating apps are playgrounds for narcissists because there are so many options."
I'm fascinated by this topic because, with my codependent personality, I've been a narcissist magnet for most of my dating life. As I consider re-entering the dating market, I know I need to be on my guard. If you are starting to date again during this pandemic, I hope this post helps you navigate the shark-infested waters of the online dating world.
Robert Evans Wilson is an innovation/change speaker, author, and consultant.
