Crunching numbers in the dating game

I just turned 38. Happy birthday to me! In "real life," 38 is a great age. I feel accomplished, self-aware, and proud of what I've done with my life so far. In dating life, I'm not so sure if I can say the same thing about age 38.

Every online dating site asks users to determine the desired age range of their ideal mate, either openly, like on Match.com or behind the scenes when you're searching, like on Tinder. My hypothesis is that most age ranges of a desirable match end in a 0 or a 5. So, "25 to 35" or "40-55."

Is there an arbitrary age cut-off?

In an article I once discussed on Senior Planet, Ageism Abounds Among Online Daters, I discussed ageism and dating and how it runs rampant on the online dating sites. Almost every one of my clients, male and female, tells me that the opposite sex looks worse as they age, especially those clients over 50. I hear, "I'm a young (fill in the blank age)" on a daily basis. The moral is that we all age. Some better than others, of course, and there's no "average" for any age. My question is this: Is there some sort of numerical cut-off people use just because it looks more neat and tidy?

I decided to test my hypothesis.

In a randomly selected group of 20 men aged 55 to 60 on Match.com in the Washington, DC area, I looked at both their age and the low and high ends of their preferred age range in a partner (in this case, a female partner). Obviously, this test is not statistically significant — far from it — or controlled for anything (race, height, education, etc.), but it is interesting nonetheless.

Of a potential 40 cut-offs (20 low ends of the range and 20 high ends), only 11 of them, or 28%, used a number ending in a 0 or a 5. Perhaps more interestingly, these men on average requested a woman from 15 years younger to their own age and not a year over, which leads back to the ageism question. These are absolute numbers, of course. In relative terms, these men are looking for a woman, on average, 25% younger than they are. This gets exacerbated in men over 40 who are looking to have children.

So, it turns out, based on this small, non-rigorous study, that my hypothesis is incorrect. People don't use arbitrary cutoffs of 0s and 5s but rather cut-offs a certain number above and below their own age.

Do men and women differ in their age preferences?

Maybe I'm testing the wrong hypothesis. Maybe I should instead be looking at how attractive men and women find people of different ages. According to the research done by Christian Rudder, one of the founders of OkCupid, in his book Dataclysm, men, regardless of age, find women in their early 20s the most attractive. (Yuck.) Women, on the other hand, are attracted to men around their own age. He also states, "a man, as he gets older, searches for relatively younger and younger women. Meanwhile, his upper acceptable limit hovers only a token amount above his own age." Now, this is a finding I can, sadly, corroborate with my small sample. I only wish society had more examples of men with older women to show that conventional wisdom isn't the "right" way.

As Matthew McConaughey says in "Dazed and Confused," "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age." Sad but true. It's really too bad, though, because the average life expectancy in the U.S. is almost five years longer for women than men (81.4 and 76.9, respectively, as listed by the World Health Organization).

Clients ask me all the time whether they should lie about their age to fit into someone's arbitrary bracket that he or she is searching for. My response is always "no." They argue, "But I'm 61. If I just put 59, so many more people will find me." According to my small study, only 28% will have 60 as an arbitrary cut-off, unless that happens to be the age above or below their own age that they are willing to search. And regardless, more importantly, it's a terrible idea for you to start a relationship based on a lie.

Where does this leave us?

The moral is that it doesn't really matter what your own age is. One year of getting older is not going to hinder your chances on an absolute basis. But, each year older is also further away from some people's desired age range. And that's okay — it's part of the process. Don't fret — you're now perfect for someone else.

Remember, when looking for a date online, age is only part of the story. Lifestyle is just as, if not more, important.

Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating. Want to connect with Erika? Join her newsletter, eepurl.com/dpHcH for updates and tips.