Is it OK to make sure unvaccinated family members are following COVID-19 precautions? The “Social Graces” column is focusing on COVID-19 issues for the near future, and we’ll group them in an ongoing list; the most recent Q&A will always be on top.
Q: Your unvaccinated family members promised to keep wearing masks and taking precautions. Is it rude to make sure they’re following precautions?
A: Data suggests that fully vaccinated people can resume normal activities two weeks after their last shot. The risk is small that vaccinated people will contract COVID-19 or that they will pass the virus on to others.
The subject of COVID-19 has become polarized to the point that many people fear bringing up the subject. Add the emotion of the pandemic, and it becomes personal.
Here’s how to ask family members if they’re being cautious:
Share your status. Be the “sharer” in a conversation to put others at ease.
Do so in a positive way. They’re family members, not strangers, so you have a right to know their status.
Don’t feel bad. The conversation might be uncomfortable, but don’t attach guilt to it. This is a health concern.
Be clear. We only have control over our own behavior, so clarity matters.
Be sympathetic. There could be a number of reasons they haven’t been vaccinated that you’re unaware of.
Avoid confrontations. A nonvaccinated person may assume there is no risk to you.
Establish boundaries. It all depends on your health risk and your personal well-being.
— Lisa Grotts, etiquette expert
A: Unfortunately, the only people we can control are ourselves. If you have family members who are unvaccinated and promise to wear masks, but don’t, you can let them know that you don’t feel comfortable with their actions, but you cannot force them to behave differently.
At that juncture, it is up to you to decide whether or not you want to spend time with them if they continue to choose that route.
— Rachel DeAlto, relationship expert and author of “Relatable: How to Connect with Anyone, Anywhere (Even If It Scares You)”
Q: If you wear a mask to a restaurant, when should you take it off and where do you put it?
A: When it comes to mask etiquette at a restaurant, my personal protocol is always to err on the side of safety and to follow the current recommended mandates.
When entering and traveling through a restaurant, I prefer to wear a mask until properly seated. To prevent my mask from falling on the floor, I like to put it in my pocket or a bag, as opposed to on the tabletop. This also makes it easily accessible to resume wearing when a staff member first addresses and welcomes the table.
At that point, whether I’m the guest or the one working at the restaurant, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to discuss if you’ve been vaccinated and for all parties to establish a comfort level as to whether masks need to be worn at the table for further interactions.
— Donnie Madia, partner/restaurateur, One Off Hospitality
A: While it does depend on the rules of each restaurant, when it comes to indoor dining, typically you would enter the restaurant while wearing a mask. Only once you are fully seated with your party would you then take it off. While you are not expected to put a mask back on between courses, you should put it on if you leave the table for any reason, such as to go to the restroom or to make a phone call.
So where should you put your mask? The rule of thumb when dining is that you want to avoid putting anything on the table that is not a part of the meal, from sunglasses to a clutch handbag or wallet. With masks, there is no exception. More importantly, for sanitary reasons, never put a mask on a dining table or even on top of (or beneath) your napkin.
Instead, put your mask in your handbag, briefcase or a pocket. Some restaurants supply a thin, disposable paper bag to slip the mask into while you are not wearing it, which you would also keep in your bag or in a pocket. You can also buy reusable antimicrobial mask cases to put your mask into.
Once you have finished at the table, put your mask back on before you get up from the table or walk through any common areas.
— Myka Meier is the founder of Beaumont Etiquette and runs a virtual Online Finishing Program
Q: Since the mask announcement by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one of your friends who isn’t fully vaccinated has started leaving the house without a mask on. Should you say something?
A: Everyone wants to have a “Hot Girl Summer” this year, given the state of the world last summer. With vaccines rolling out and COVID-19 restrictions being lifted, it’s easy to forget that we’re still in a pandemic. If one of your friends isn’t fully vaccinated but is leaving the house maskless, you should kindly keep that friend in check. The CDC’s recent mask announcement (saying fully vaccinated people no longer need to wear masks in most cases) is a relief for some, but it forces us to use the honor system when it comes to knowing who is vaccinated and who isn’t. If we learned anything over the past year, it’s that you can’t always trust people.
We get it — your friend wants to join in on the fun with everyone else. It’s tempting to want to go to an overpriced rooftop bar, get sunburned at the lake and dine out with everyone else. However, you should let your friend know that it is still irresponsible to go out maskless and possibly expose others who are unvaccinated. There’s a plethora of reasons why someone may not be vaccinated yet, and it might have to do with accessibility to the shot.
The real “Hot Girl Summer” is continuing to protect yourself and others, whether that’s getting vaccinated or wearing your mask. Remind your loved ones of the risks, but also encourage them to be safe so that everyone can get together again.
— Phillipe Thao, amateur time-waster and writer
A: You absolutely should say something to your friend. In fact, you’re obligated.
Last month, the CDC released guidelines asking that people who are unvaccinated or partially vaccinated to continue to wear masks, even in establishments like bars and restaurants where doing so may no longer be required.
Currently, Chicago is in the bridge phase, which allows for higher capacity limits and increased business operations. We made it to this stage by following directions, being honest with each other, and not taking guidelines into our own hands.
Normalcy is on the horizon, But we are still in a pandemic, and it’s OK to gingerly remind your friend. Wearing a mask is about doing our part to keep the momentum going, so don’t be a mask hole — just wear one.
— Terrence Chappell, principal, Chappell Communications Group
Q: You and your friends are vaccinated and see each other in person and go to events together, but you feel a little guilty and don’t want to be judged. Should you avoid posting what you’re doing on social media?
A: In short, not at all! Now that the vaccine is widely available in the U.S. and guidelines have given those fully vaccinated the assurance they may socialize with one another, you should feel no guilt about resuming your social life again.
If you want to post about it in an appropriate manner, go right ahead! In fact, you may find many people will be cheering you on and are excited to see these moments return.
Sometimes it can be easy to feel guilty or maybe even judged. The big takeaway, though, is that the goal of great etiquette is to apply a lens of consideration, respect and honesty to every action we take and relationship we build. Supporting and cheering each other on and not judging are great ways to do that, and great manners as well.
— Courtney Fadler, etiquette expert and owner of Courtney Fadler Etiquette
A: At this point, vaccinations are readily available to American adults. So, those in your social media audience who are not vaccinated have either chosen not to receive the vaccination or have a medical issue that prevents them from receiving it.
Plus, since you are fully vaccinated, you are not running afoul of any medically established guidelines by seeing other vaccinated people in person, or any legal guidelines by attending events. So you’d also be unlikely to garner the same judgment that going to a pre-vaccine gathering would bring. Thus, while discomfort is natural, simply because of how odd it must feel to be doing these things now after more than a year of abstention from them, try to challenge that discomfort when it segues into guilt — because the guilt is misplaced.
If you are normally someone who posts about your social life, post away. From a public health standpoint, if you make a reference to your vaccination within the post, then you’re even arguably doing a service by promoting vaccination.
Of course, the fact itself that you are vaccinated might bring judgment — but those folks surely wouldn’t also be the same ones objecting to your going out. As with any time you post, know that judgment could come, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong.
— Andrea Bonior, psychologist and author of “Detox Your Thoughts”
Q: With the CDC’s recent mask announcement and some areas reopening, how can you avoid throwing a COVID-19 superspreader event?
A: The Centers for Disease Control and Protection is no longer recommending that people who are fully vaccinated wear a mask inside or outside regardless of crowd numbers or public spacing.
Fully vaccinated people can resume activities without wearing a mask or physically distancing, except where required by local governments or businesses.
Though this is a positive reflection of the number of individuals who have received the vaccine and its effectiveness, it raises the question, “How do you safely implement new guidelines based solely on the honor system (trusting that people are telling the truth about being vaccinated)?”
The best recommendation and the most important aspect to remember is that the collective health of a country is everyone’s responsibility. The recommendations by the CDC are a clear statement: The removal of mask restrictions applies only to those who are fully vaccinated.
A healthy recommendation for those planning larger events, such as weddings and graduation parties, is to clearly inform guests of health precautions you will have in effect. Language noting precautions and event rules can be included in invitations as well as on signs placed throughout the facility.
For those who do not feel comfortable relying on the honesty of the public, err on the side of caution and wear a mask. Again, for our country to mitigate a recurrence of COVID-19, it is imperative that we are all on one page and move forward to have a positive impact on our medical future.
— Dr. Christopher Colbert, assistant emergency medicine residency director and professor of clinical emergency medicine at the University of Illinois at Chicago
A: In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, it is important to implement protocols to avoid throwing a superspreader event. With the news of the mask regulations being lifted for those who are vaccinated, it remains vital to strategically implement rules for guests to abide by to keep everyone safe.
Here are a few ideas that I include at each event to ensure that guests are able to celebrate in a safe and stress-free way:
1. Mask wearing: Although mask requirements are being lifted, it is still imperative to wear a mask when in a large group of people. The risk of contracting COVID-19 is far less when wearing a mask.
2. Hand washing and hand sanitizer stations: At past events, my team and I have required guests to wash their hands upon entry to the event and also have encouraged them to use strategically placed hand sanitizer stations. Having stations readily available to guests throughout the venue is a great way to ease their minds and keep surfaces from being infected.
3. Electrostatic sanitization of the venue and furniture: Electrostatic sanitization is a cutting-edge technology that reduces germs on surfaces by 99%, thus lowering the risk of spreading infection to guests.
4. Requiring that all food be served by waitstaff: Buffets are very popular at events but also pose a huge risk for transmission with so many hands touching the same surface. Requiring that waitstaff serve and pass all food and drinks lowers the risk of possible infection.
5. Tables and chairs: The CDC recommends that parties maintain a distance of 6 feet between guests. By positioning chairs and tables apart, guests are easily able to abide by these recommendations.
6. Requiring proof of COVID-19 vaccination or a negative test: The best way to ensure that the event won’t be a superspreader is to require all guests to have negative COVID-19 tests, proof of vaccination or both. While vaccinations are not 100% effective against the virus, the negative test will provide another level of assurance.
— Courtney Ajinca, event planner
Q: How should you ask family and friends if they have had the COVID-19 vaccine so they can attend your wedding?
A: Typically we wouldn’t ask this question because it is health related, but it is important in this time to ask because the answer will put us in a position to modify our behavior and our interactions with others.
It’s best not to ask in an accusing or demeaning manner. One approach is to reveal information about yourself and offer your position. You can say, for example, “You know, I just got my first dose of the vaccine” or “I’m fully vaccinated now” and then to add, “What are your thoughts?”
This gives them the opportunity to explain where they are because many people are not vaccinated. They still may be waiting, some may not have decided yet and others don’t plan on getting it at all. But this way, when we reveal a little bit about ourselves, and then ask them for their position, it gives them the freedom to really express themselves. That’s what etiquette really is about: Putting others at ease.
If the person does not respond in the manner that you’re expecting, it’s important to use the other core value of etiquette, which is respect. We have to respect other people’s positions. Don’t try to lecture them or make them feel bad, but let them know you respect their decision. There’s a difference between remaining silent and ending the conversation in a huff. You can tell the person, “Hey, I respect your position, and I’m here for you if you have any questions about my experience.”
— Elaine Swann, etiquette expert and author of “Let Crazy Be Crazy”
A: With some Americans refusing the COVID-19 vaccine, it can seem like a daunting task to make sure your wedding is not a superspreader event and to ask people to act in accordance with that goal. However, a wedding is about community and showing how we all care about it and the individuals within it. And sometimes that means taking measures to protect the most vulnerable at your wedding, even if that act of care steps on the toes of a few.
This concepts of humility, sacrifice and selflessness form the bedrock of all marriage vows and family commitments. Besides, wedding traditions already control people’s behavior — don’t wear white to a wedding, don’t have sex before the wedding, don’t let the newlyweds see each other before the wedding — so what’s one more?
If you want all in-person guests to be vaccinated, politely explain this on your wedding site or save-the-date card. However, don’t be exclusionary; create celebratory alternatives for the nonvaccinated guests, such as a special Zoom. Or offer wedding-quarantine guidelines or even go so far as helping guests get a vaccination appointment and transportation there. (Sometimes people just need a little extra help.) A caring tone and polite message will help increase the chance of acceptance of your wedding restrictions.
Let the guests know your COVID-19 policy so they can make attendance decisions for themselves too.
— Katrina Majkut, author of “The Adventures and Discoveries of a Feminist Bride: What No One Tells You Before You Say ‘I Do'”
Q: A loved one doesn’t want to get the second shot of the coronavirus vaccine. How should you handle the situation?
A: Talking with loved ones about the vaccine can be tricky. If you plan to discuss it with them, approach the conversation with openness and curiosity. This is a great time to practice your active listening skills, meaning you’re focused on the speaker. Avoid interrupting or redirecting the conversation unless it’s extremely urgent.
You must set aside your judgment so they feel comfortable sharing information because this is an especially sensitive topic. Start by asking open-ended questions to better understand their fears and misperceptions. Follow up with identifying shared beliefs, like being fully vaccinated for the good of their community or being able to get back to normalcy quicker. This creates an environment that fosters unity and encourages healthy discussion about the benefits of being fully vaccinated.
You can say phrases like:
“That’s a great point. I can understand why that could give you fear or anxiety about the vaccine. Could I share some new information that I believe will help you feel more comfortable?”
“I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m curious if you’ve ever thought about it this way …”
“Can you tell me more about your concerns surrounding the vaccine? I would love to understand your perspective.”
Once you’ve created an environment of trust, encourage them to write down their concerns and address them with their physicians.
However, the conversation may not go the way you want, and they may choose to not receive the second dose of the vaccine. Remember that your loved ones are entitled to their own opinions about the vaccine. This is a rare occasion when the entire world experienced trauma and everyone handles it differently. If you feel the need to, in order to protect your own health and safety, you can set boundaries around how you visit with loved ones who aren’t fully vaccinated.
Etiquette during COVID-19 isn’t just about being kind and respectful; it’s also about being considerate of everyone’s health and safety, including yours. Be empathetic and refrain from being hypercritical of others as we are all adapting to this new normal, especially since everyone has varying degrees of precautionary measures when it comes to their health and safety.
— Bonnie Tsai, etiquette expert and founder of Beyond Etiquette
A: The first thing I would say is get curious about the reason why. It can be so easy for us to jump to conclusions and fill in our own reasons. A lot of us engage in what we call mind reading, and we assume we know what someone else is thinking. But we don’t actually know what someone is thinking until we ask.
Coming from a nonjudgmental stance can be hard, especially with anything related to COVID-19. But when we come at it from that approach, hopefully your loved ones won’t be defensive and can give an honest answer. Based on that response, we can do our part to provide some education, provide some resources and really come at it from a logical lens, rather than an emotional one. When we come at it from an emotional lens, we’re no longer thinking in what we call our prefrontal cortex of the brain and the logical brain. We’re getting into that emotion part of the brain, where we don’t always make the best decisions. So coming at it from that logical lens, and trying to really show the person the facts behind why it’s helpful to get fully vaccinated, then we can start to hopefully show some of their biases.
Because we care about our loved ones, it becomes really easy for us to take it personally when someone doesn’t get fully vaccinated. At the end of the day, most human beings, unless they’re minors or in an exceptional situation, are in control of their lives and the choices that they make with their bodies. This can be really hard to sit with, especially when you feel that getting the vaccine would be a good way to protect yourself. The less we can personalize, the more we can protect our own emotional welfare in that process.
— Lauren Cook, therapist and author of “Name Your Story: How to Talk Openly About Mental Health While Embracing Wellness”
Q: Should you go to an out-of-state wedding now that coronavirus vaccines are available and some states are reopening?
A: We all want to get back to normal — that’s for sure. And the news is encouraging. Vaccination rates are up across the country. And here is more good news: The CDC just revised its mask recommendations and said we don’t need masks if we 1) are vaccinated, 2) are outside and 3) can remain socially distanced.
There’s a lot of gray area when it comes to large gatherings like weddings. The bottom line is some states are doing much better than others, with fewer new cases and larger percentages of the population vaccinated. If I were invited to a wedding, I’d have a few questions. And if I were planning a wedding, I’d want to provide my guests with some guidance.
If the wedding is indoors, then I would want to know that there was a mask mandate, regardless of the size. Receptions, in particular, last for hours, and being indoors — whether it’s a few dozen or a few hundred — raises important questions about the likelihood of contagion.
Most of the COVID-19 screening apps I’ve seen have a clear line of demarcation when it comes to indoors versus outdoors: 50 or fewer indoors, 250 or fewer outdoors. And even with those numbers, the recommendation is to be socially distanced. In short, an indoor wedding with more than 50 guests is not a great idea.
Here’s a tough one for anyone planning a wedding: Do you want to insist your guests provide proof of vaccination? What a buzzkill. But you can strongly suggest that guests should be vaccinated, especially for an indoor event where social distancing is probably very challenging, if not impossible.
However, with the temperatures climbing steadily across the country, there is no good reason not to plan the wedding and reception outside. If you’re worried about rain, look into renting an open-air tent.
— Jay Baglia, associate professor of health communication at DePaul University’s College of Communication
A: Attending an out-of-state wedding comes down to your comfort level with how the event is being organized, as well as your comfort level with your means of transportation to travel to the location.
First, the bride and groom should be completely transparent with their COVID-19 requirements for attending, either on their “save the date” or on their wedding website. Is full vaccination required? Partial vaccination? Is a negative COVID-19 test required in lieu of vaccination or maybe in addition to vaccination? They should also let you know the mask policy and if someone will be taking temperatures. As long as the bride and groom let guests know what to expect, it falls on the guests to decide if they can meet these requirements and not feel offended by any intrusions.
If you decide to go, you have to look at your travel plans and current COVID-19 rates. Traveling to Wyoming may be much different from traveling to Florida. Are you close enough to drive? Are you fine with stopping in new cities to fill up the tank? Do you have to stay overnight somewhere on the way?
COVID-19 has made traveling much harder. Sure, travel costs are low, but are the cost savings worth the health risk? It all comes down to personal preference and how much you are willing to tolerate to be with the bride and groom on their special day.
— Jules Martinez Hirst, etiquette expert and co-author of “The Power of Civility: Top Experts Reveal the Secrets of Social Capital”
Q: Your roommate has invited someone to your place who has received the first dose of a two-dose coronavirus vaccine. You’re uncomfortable because the friend isn’t fully vaccinated. How should you handle the situation?
A: The COVID-19 pandemic has lasted over a year now. The extensive time that has elapsed has worn people down. But the assertive rollout of vaccines across the country suggests we will soon be able to more safely gather with our family and friends.
It can be challenging to balance the wish to see other people with recommendations that only fully vaccinated adults should gather in enclosed spaces. It can also be challenging to balance our wish to follow guidelines when other people in our life don’t feel the same way. These conversations can be particularly difficult when many people are experiencing fatigue from the extended time of living under pandemic conditions.
The important thing to remember when discussing emotionally charged topics is to keep a respectful tone to keep dialogue open. Keeping the dialogue respectful will enable you to present your perspective and hear your roommate’s perspective and to arrive at a compromise.
Perhaps your roommate would be willing to meet the friend for walks until the friend is fully vaccinated. Or perhaps you can take a walk or visit other vaccinated friends or family members while your roommate has the friend over. Compromises are easier to arrive at when dialogue is open and emotions are kept in check.
— Dr. Sophia Albott, assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Minnesota Medical School
A: Many people are encountering uncomfortable situations with family and friends in light of the recommendation to get the coronavirus vaccine. Just like any decision we make that affects those around us, there needs to be understanding and respect for a person’s belief, whether we agree or not.
Achieving comfort in an uncomfortable situation lies in honest communication. Start a dialogue with your roommate that is sincere and not confrontational. This is not the time to take the podium and lecture your roommate on how you feel about the virus and vaccines. Keep the conversation simple. Make your feelings known, and stay calm. Once your roommate knows how you feel, see if you can come together to find a solution that works for both of you.
One option is to find another place to stay while the guest is visiting. Or make arrangements to be out of the room during the visit, maybe run some errands or go to the library. To prevent conflict, create a plan that works for both of you for this occasion and any that might arise is the future.
— Jacquelyn Youst, etiquette expert and owner of Pennsylvania Academy of Protocol
Q: Many people in your family have received the coronavirus vaccine, but there are a few who haven’t yet. When planning a get-together, should you invite only those who are vaccinated?
A: Rather than create divisions within the family by inviting some members and not others, a better strategy is to consider how everyone can meet as safely as possible.
If the invitation is extended well in advance, perhaps the promise of a gathering can will motivate everyone to seek a vaccine. Doing so would make the gathering safe for as many people as possible and promote public health.
If the timeline doesn’t allow for vaccination, it is useful to consider how many people within the party have been vaccinated, and for those who have not been vaccinated to consider whether they are at risk of contracting COVID-19.
Current guidelines from the CDC do allow for unvaccinated individuals from one household to gather with vaccinated members of another household in a small group if no one is at a disproportionately higher risk of contracting severe illness.
— Mercedes Carnethon, vice chair of preventive medicine at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine
A: As we navigate this gray zone in the pandemic, the safest and kindest approach is to continue to proceed with caution. Now that vaccinations are starting to become more widely available, it is absolutely a time of great hope and optimism. But for those who are still in the queue and those who are afraid that they still won’t be fully protected, it can be a difficult and emotional time.
With that in mind, I would recommend that, as much as possible, people should consider virtual get-togethers first, as they will likely be the most inclusive. By keeping things virtual, people won’t feel they are being left out because of their health status and people aren’t pressured to take risks for which they might not be ready.
A second option continues to be outdoor get-togethers. If they’re allowed in your area, with the use of masking and distancing, these are also a nice option, but they do require more careful planning.
If you are determined to connect in person and your local public health guidance does allow for in-person get-togethers for fully vaccinated people, consider keeping them as small as possible. This allows you to still have that connection we’ve all been craving so desperately, while keeping the friends and family we love that much safer.
The good news is that fully inclusive in-person get-togethers with our family and friends aren’t far away, and if we treat our loved ones with grace and empathy now, we can all look forward to many joyful and safe reunions in the not-so-distant future.
— Lisa Orr, etiquette and protocol consultant
Q: On social media, a number of friends have posted about receiving the coronavirus vaccine. Is it rude to ask how they qualified to get appointments?
A: You would make the assumption that people you care about, your friends and family members, have been ethical about receiving the coronavirus vaccine.
Depending on your relationship, you can certainly ask where they are in the process or what the process is for getting an appointment, so you know what to expect. Directly asking how they got an appointment puts them on the spot and sounds a bit accusatory.
You can also frame it as wanting to know what to expect when it’s your turn to get vaccinated — something like, “I’m not sure what to expect. Can you please enlighten me? How did it go? What happened afterward?”
It’s best to ask only close friends about the process of getting a coronavirus vaccine because you never know if someone has underlying health conditions you’re unaware or they’ve chosen not to receive the vaccine.
And once you’re vaccinated, remember, to continue wearing a mask, social distancing and abiding by other local rules because we all want to hug and celebrate again.
— Julie Blais Comeau, chief etiquette officer at Etiquette Julie
A: Let’s take a step back and figure out what you’re really asking your friends. The real questions are: “Who’s your vaccine connect?” or “How did you get around the system to get an appointment?” Even though more people qualify for appointments, it’s still challenging to obtain one.
Assess the closeness of the friendship. If they are close friends, nine times out of 10, you perhaps already know why they qualify for an appointment. If not, then you’re inquiring about their medical history or any preexisting conditions they may not want to share.
Since they are posting about receiving the vaccine, it is OK to ask how they went about booking an appointment, any appointment openings they may be privy to, and what they’re overall experience was at a vaccine site.
There’s a difference between general information gathering and personal information gathering in the context of a friendship. Again, with close friends, this personal information comes up organically. With acquaintances and more peripheral friends, let’s keep it to more general information gathering.
— Terrence Chappell, principal, Chappell Communications Group
Q: Some friends in your circle have received the coronavirus vaccine and constantly bug you about when you will receive it, implying you’re not trying hard enough to game the system. What should you say?
A: We can start by simply communicating our enthusiasm, so they don’t feel judged or worry that we’re not taking it seriously: “I am so glad that you’ve received it, and I am definitely looking forward to my turn! Which, fortunately, one-way-or-another, won’t be too much longer now!”
If we start to feel more pressure from them, we can open up a bit more and share our reasons, assuming the best of their intentions: “Thank you so much for your helpful tips. I so appreciate your positive intention. And I’ve also come to peace with just waiting a little longer, as I recognize that not everyone can get it at once. I’m so glad you got yours, and I’ll be thrilled when I get mine, but I figure I’ve waited this long and I can do another month or so to give as many vulnerable people as possible the chance to get theirs before me. Please rest assured I’m still trying to stay as safe as possible.”
The most important thing is to end with a question or invitation that opens the door for more connection, such as, “In the meantime, before I can be in groups, when can you and I meet up for a walk?” Or invoke more conversation with a question such as, “What are some of the ways getting the vaccine has changed life for you?” Or change the subject with, “Now, I can’t wait to hear what fun plans you have coming up this summer!”
Our goals in our conversation is to amplify the opportunities for positive emotions (appreciation that they care, gratitude that they received theirs and excitement for our upcoming opportunity), to feel honest and seen by sharing a bit of our process (communicating that we feel good about our choice and sharing a bit of our reasoning) and to use it as a diving board for more ongoing connection — offering up more ways to stay connected.
— Shasta Nelson, friendship expert, speaker and author of “Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness”
A: This is a health issue, so actually it’s nobody’s business. However, many people do feel pressured by friends and family about getting vaccinated.
A response that could help ease their anxiety and not result in further questions would be, “I’m working on it.” If friends pry further and offer suggestions of where to get an appointment, a clear thank you will also end the conversation. Try not to get stuck in the debate of how or when. This is a personal choice, which should not include shame.
— Kelley Kitley, psychotherapist and owner of Serendipitous Psychotherapy
Q: Some friends in your circle have received the coronavirus vaccine and want to get together. You haven’t received your vaccine yet, and your friends don’t think you’re still at risk around them. How should you handle it?
A: We always want to remember that good manners are about kindness, consideration and respect. It’s the wonderful way of putting other people before ourselves. In this scenario, I would phrase it about being in the interest of their health and safety, and not about you.
I might say, “Having received the shot, you probably want to ensure that you’re completely safe (as we know the vaccine isn’t yet 100% effective), so I’m going to decline.” Or, “In the interest of your health, I’m going to pass, since I’ve not yet been vaccinated.” What you’re really saying is, “I’m not comfortable. I’m not going,” but you’re phrasing it in such a way that you’re thinking about your friends and not yourself.
It’s completely OK to say “no,” and we often find ourselves doing the opposite in an effort to be nice. But we can say “no” and still be nice. It does take a bit of practice, but is well worth the effort. If you learn to say no in a firm, graceful and compassionate manner, you are not only respecting the other person, you are also sending a clear, polite message and will hopefully receive the same consideration in return.
Three polite ways to say no are: (a) “No, thank you,” (b) “I’m afraid I can’t make it” or (c) “this time doesn’t work for me” — always followed by, “but thank you for thinking of me.” Sometimes the more we elaborate, the more difficult and dishonest it can appear. Keep your message short, direct and kind.
— Susy Fossati, etiquette expert and founder of Avignon Etiquette
A: I think, first of all, you get to choose what you’re going to do and whom you’re getting out with, no matter what. This is essentially a boundaries question. So, you can set a boundary for any reason that you wish; you don’t have to justify it to anyone.
Part of the issue here is that there’s still risk with people who are vaccinated — at least it appears so with preliminary data. Less risk is certainly not no risk, and if you feel uncomfortable with that, know that it is completely valid.
When setting boundaries, I think it’s important to communicate the boundary and your feelings around the boundary, and to talk about the relationship.
The reality is people are very alone right now. They’re missing their friends; they’re missing being in the same room with their friends. So when communicating, try something like, “I really love you guys. You’re great. I do want to see you. I do want to spend time with you. It’s not about that; it’s about my sense of risk and me needing to set a boundary for myself. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to hang out in the future. I’m looking forward to hanging out once vaccinated. I just I need to get that first.”
In my experience, it really does come down to being assertive. If you talk more about your feelings, people are more likely to respond favorably.
— Jason Best, therapist, founder of Best Therapies, and lecturer, University of Chicago
Q: The coronavirus vaccination rollout may have you feeling frustrated. How do you not get upset about loved ones who haven’t followed COVID-19 guidelines getting the vaccine first?
A: Evolution has endowed human beings with a predisposition toward fairness and justice. When “good” things happen to “good” people and “bad” things happen to “bad” people, we feel that all’s right with the world, and when that formula is violated, it causes most of us to feel uneasy or angry. This is the reason that people who have followed the rules may be feeling resentful toward people who haven’t followed the COVID-19 guidelines but are getting vaccinated first.
If you are feeling this way, I recommend that you reframe the situation to see how this “lack of fairness” may actually benefit you. By looking at the bigger picture, you will feel much better.
Specifically, consider that the more total people who are vaccinated, the safer we all are as a society. This is especially true for people who have been lax about adhering to COVID-19 guidelines. The sooner they are vaccinated, the better it will be for you, because the rule-breakers may have been the most likely to infect you in the first place.
If you focus on the bigger picture, you may be less likely to be resentful and more likely to be thankful that the rule-breakers are getting the vaccination first.
— Dr. Ben Michaelis, psychologist and elite performance coach
A: At the end of the day, they are within their rights to have the vaccine, and the government thinks they need it, so every person who gets it is one step closer to herd immunity, which will benefit us all.
Another question here is do they qualify? If not and your family members already have gotten the shots, you may wish to voice your opinion, but you must realize you can’t change the outcome.
If your loved ones have not already gotten shots, I think it’s appropriate to question if they know that the vaccine is still for a certain tier of people. If they knowingly are still getting it, I would take a compassionate angle when you tell them it does not seem ethically OK to jump the line.
The important part is not to be accusatory, as people quickly turn defensive and rebellious and then may still go. .
— Myka Meier, etiquette expert, founder of Beaumont Etiquette and author of “Modern Etiquette Made Easy“
Q: You have colleagues who refuse to get the coronavirus vaccine, but your boss wants everyone back in the office. What should you do?
A: It’s quite the conundrum when your principles and your paycheck merge. It is clear that vaccinations decrease the risk of spreading the virus, however, there are those who feel strongly against getting the vaccine or prefer to wait to see if there are negative effects. There may also be a specific reason someone refuses to get the vaccine.
I can’t speak to the legal issue. However, from a social skills viewpoint, it’s important to be transparent with your employer. If you are uneasy, feel free to have a noncombative discussion with your boss about your apprehension. Ask if there are methods that can be put in place for those who prefer to continue to social distance. Perhaps you could work in another office area or continue working remotely.
Keep in mind that many offices are ready to bring back their staff and build their struggling business. Ultimately, it falls on you to decide how comfortable you are with the new corporate environment. Much like any office dilemma, you go through the proper chain of command, ask for a compromise or resolution, and determine if it’s a good and comfortable fit for you to continue as an employee at the company.
This scenario is not uncommon, and most management teams are doing their best to keep everyone employed, safe and productive.
— Diane Gottsman, etiquette expert, author of “Modern Etiquette for a Better Life” and founder of The Protocol School of Texas
A: The reality is not everyone’s going to choose to receive the coronavirus vaccine. The question isn’t how can I change this individual’s mind; it’s what can I do to feel safe and comfortable at work in our new normal.
The answer is threefold. No. 1, continue to wear a mask. No. 2, keep your distance. Two arm lengths of distance is what we communicate and what the CDC recommends. No. 3, communicate these concerns to your employer. Usually, managers can abide by these recommendations.
My belief is that most employers want to keep their employees and to accommodate to the best of their ability, based on recommendations. So it’s not as if employers are going to have a deaf ear to their employees. I think it’s just communicating to your boss and your colleagues what makes you feel safe. Sometimes it’s just a matter of repositioning desks or chairs; this is what they’re doing in restaurants.
— Dr. Christopher Colbert, assistant emergency medicine residency director and professor of clinical emergency medicine at the University of Illinois at Chicago
Q: What should you say to someone who doesn’t plan on getting the coronavirus vaccine?
A: We don’t worry much about measles these days, or polio, rubella or diphtheria — all diseases that have had a devastating effect on the United States in years past. And the reason? Nearly everyone has been immunized for these diseases; they can no longer be transmitted because of the development of vaccines.
There are now safe and effective vaccines for COVID-19. The first two, Moderna and Pfizer, had to be shown to be safe for tens of thousands of participants in a clinical trial. What is amazing is the vaccines were 94% to 95% efficacious in preventing disease. For example, in the Moderna trial, 185 participants who didn’t get the vaccine got sick with COVID-19. Thirty of them had a serious illness with 12 needing hospitalization and one died. In the group that got the vaccine, there were only 11 who were diagnosed with COVID — their symptoms were mild — and there were no serious infections or hospitalizations.
Now, tens of million more have received the vaccines in the U.S. since the vaccines were cleared by the Food and Drug Administration. There are still no major safety concerns. Serious allergic reactions are very rare: Anaphylaxis has been seen in 2.5 people per million for the Moderna vaccine and 4 people per million for the Pfizer vaccine.
COVID-19 can lead to severe medical complications, and death for some. There is no way to predict how the virus will affect you if you acquire it. We’re seeing how COVID-19 affects those who have recovered but still suffer from ongoing symptoms, the “long haulers.”
Masks, social distancing and quarantine are not enough to get back to normal. The more people who are immune, the fewer can get infected and spread COVID-19 to others. Getting vaccinated is protecting yourself, protecting others and doing your part to finally make COVID-19 as rare as measles, polio, rubella and diphtheria.
— Dr. Jonathan Pinsky, medical director, infection control and prevention, Edward Hospital, and Annemarie Schmocker, infection prevention manager, Elmhurst Hospital
A: The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12: Two people are better off than one because they can help each other succeed. Why not apply these two proverbs to help flatten the curve? After all, with the arrival of the vaccine, our prayers have been answered.
For anti-maskers and anti-vaxxers, risking your own life is one thing, but to put someone else in harm’s way is another. Nobody chose this virus, but you can make the right choice to get vaccinated so we can achieve immunity for the collective good.
Here are a few tips:
1. The vaccine is free.
2. If you’re a traveler, for work or for vacation, many airlines and countries will require proof of vaccination.
3. COVID-19 can kill. If you’re not worried about yourself, think about your family members and friends.
4. You may experience side effects from the vaccine, such as flu-like symptoms, but isn’t that better than being on a ventilator or worse? Fact: More than 500,000 people in the United States have died of COVID-19.
5. Do it for a frontline worker. Health care workers who treat COVID-19 patients face the greatest risk of serious illness or death.
6. Let’s get our lives back. How good do family gatherings, school, indoor church worship, indoor dining, sporting events, the movies and traveling sound right now?
— Lisa Grotts, etiquette expert
Q: What should you do if your friend who has been vaccinated stops wearing a mask in public?
A: I like to ask reasonably intelligent people questions that might help me better understand their decision-making. So my initial interaction would be something like this:
1) “I understand you were recently vaccinated. Is that why you’re no longer wearing a mask in public?” If the response is in the affirmative, I’d ask another question.
2) “Are you under the impression that since you’ve been vaccinated, you are no longer a risk for spreading or contracting COVID-19?”
Now here is where it would be important to have the latest facts from a reputable source (such as, but not limited to, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention). Independent of national policies, many states and cities have local policies, so it’s important to know those policies too.
To the second question, my friend might reply “Yes, I’m vaccinated, so I can’t contract the illness.”
To that I would say, “By getting vaccinated you have significantly lowered the possibility that you won’t contract COVID-19. However, you may already have COVID-19 but are one of those many people who exhibit no symptoms and, despite a vaccination, you could still be a risk for spreading it.”
But most importantly, I would say to my friend, “The virus is novel — it’s new — and there now appear to be many variants, some with much higher rates of transmission. Furthermore, the city of Chicago has a mask mandate.”
As a communication professor who specializes in health communication, I know it’s really important to listen. When I work with physicians on their communication skills, I emphasize listening first, followed by using what’s called, in the health literacy field, “plain language.” By being what I call an authentic listener — somebody who is genuinely interested in what someone has to say — you build trust.
And the other component of communication I really stress to clinicians is “avoid lecturing.” Instead, educate and let reasonably intelligent people come to their own conclusions. Now some might say that my replies above (new variants, Chicago’s mask mandate) are “lecture-y,” but I would say that by asking questions and listening graciously, I’ve built into this exchange a dialogue, rather than a top-down lecture.
— Jay Baglia, associate professor of health communication at DePaul University’s College of Communication
A: It’s great that the vaccine is reaching even more people, and so these situations will become common. While people who have been vaccinated are at lower risk of becoming seriously ill if they contract the virus that causes COVID-19, that doesn’t mean that others can’t catch the virus from them.
The vaccines approved for use right now stop the virus from entering the host’s cells (in this case, your friend), attaching themselves and spreading throughout the body (replicating). When the virus is turned away at the door, the vaccinated person is unlikely to become symptomatic or ill. Unfortunately, the science has yet to prove that a person who has been vaccinated cannot still infect others. Because answering this question is critical to informing us about when we can discard our masks, vaccine manufacturers are designing studies now to test whether vaccinated individuals carry live virus that can infect others.
Until we know that answer, I would remind my friend that not everyone has been vaccinated or will chose to vaccinate. Thus, it’s important to wear a mask to show everyone in the community that you care about protecting them from becoming ill. If that wasn’t convincing enough, I’d try humor: “Your face is lovely, but not lovely enough to die for. Put on a mask!”
— Mercedes Carnethon, vice chair of preventive medicine at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine
Q: You found out that one of your relatives “jumped the line” to get a vaccine. Should you say something?
A: Please don’t be too quick to judge anyone whom you feel has “jumped the line” to get vaccinated against COVID-19. You never really know the struggles and challenges others may be experiencing, even your relatives.
For example, your relative could be a very private person who prefers to keep health issues private as well. Your family member could be suffering from one or multiple comorbidities that may not be physically apparent but that could be devastating during a bout of COVID-19. In this example, the line jumper could easily be much further up the “line” to receive the vaccine than you think.
Be mindful, and appreciate that many of us are facing obstacles that we do not wish to share with others for myriad reasons. If your relative receives the vaccination, be happy — your turn will come.
Alternatively, when people truly have somehow “jumped the line,” it really is none of your business. You will gain nothing by calling them out. Rather, choose to look on the bright side: You have seen their true character. Now you can operate from the right place. Then leave it at that.
— Heidi Dulebohn, etiquette expert
A: Ethics and morals make for tricky terrain, especially when they aren’t yours. Add to that the complications of being in the middle of a Pentatonix (none of us needs to hear the word “pandemic” anymore, do we?), and you’re headed for quicksand. We want everyone to be vaccinated. The more people vaccinated, the better protected we’ll all be.
However, it’s no secret that the rollout is a complete disaster and our most vulnerable populations are being left behind. So take all of that into consideration, and factor in Uncle Frank’s line jumping. Whether he came in from out of town or he bought it, that’s not OK.
You have to tread carefully (if we learned anything about quicksand in cartoons). You can want vaccinations for all, and still let him know how uncool it was to skip ahead. He should know already — it’s an entire Panera Bread out there — but if you call him out, you’re giving him some consequences he wouldn’t face otherwise.
Additionally, you should ask him to take whatever resource he had access to and make it available to someone who needs it. Bought it? Neat, now you’re gonna buy grandma one. Drove out of town? Awesome, pay for a Lyft for a disabled person (Black and Latinx persons to the front, as they are hardest hit by COVID-19) to do the same.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but if there are shortcuts to be had, they should be given to the folks who need them most urgently, and your privileged relative should be lifting the rope to make it happen if our government won’t. At the very least, he can drive Nana to her appointment. There’s an entire Ponce de Leon out there. Have some respect.
— Corrbette Pasko, actor, writer, professional swearer, Write Club host
Q: How can you come across as personable during a job interview on the phone during the pandemic?
A: Simple — stay upbeat and positive. Likewise, be empathetic and take a genuine interest in others: Ask how your interviewers are doing, let them know that you hope they are staying safe and busy, and inquire as to what’s new and happening at their firm.
Times are challenging for everyone, but it’s important to remember: While change and disruption can be scary for many, they can also prove powerful catalysts for growth and innovation. Noting this, it pays to be an optimist, and relentlessly practical here — after all, interviewers are always on the lookout for clever problem-solvers and go-getters who can find ways to turn lemons into lemonade.
A can-do attitude and honest concern for others will take you far here, as will finding common topics of interest or shared experiences to build kinship. For example, millions of us have been on an “extended vacation” working from home since last March, just as millions of working parents know what it’s like to try to get through a workday while constantly being interrupted by pets and children.
The more upbeat you are, the more relatable you are, and the more you can reinforce that you’ve been using time spent away from the office to learn new skills, engage in professional development or pursue new projects, the more approachable and resilient that you’ll appear.
Remember: Leadership isn’t always about bold strokes or grand gestures. Sometimes, it’s just about finding ways to make the best of a bad situation or put one foot in front of the other. And we all go through ups and downs in lives and careers: The world’s most successful individuals continually get ahead by getting back up, dusting themselves off, and continuing to push forward if they ever stumble or get knocked down. You can score major points in a job interview — and quickly establish leadership potential — simply by showing that you’re the sort of person who knows that every cloud comes with a silver lining.
— Scott Steinberg, CEO, BIZDEV: The International Association for Business Development
A: If you have the option of doing a video interview or a phone interview, I recommend you choose video because it’s easier to forge a personal and real relationship with the interviewer.
Before your interview, do some research on the company and your interviewer.
Think about how you present yourself. When you’re in a job interview, you have to realize you’re selling yourself and your experience, and why you should be hired over anyone else. It’s really important to make personal connections before you go into sales mode. Make sure you ask how your interviewer is doing. It can be open-ended, such as asking about the interviewer’s experience working from home.
Once you’ve got the job interview, that means you’re already qualified. And so at that point, you need to differentiate yourself. You have to show your work ethic and positive attitude. Most people who are seasoned at hiring are going to know that if you don’t hire someone with a positive attitude, one sour attitude can spoil a whole bunch. One of the hardest things to know when you’re hiring potential employees is their work ethic: Are they passionate about their work, or do they have a TGIF mentality?
During the interview, if you lose your train of thought or don’t fully understand the question being asked, it’s always OK to ask the interviewer to repeat the question. Or you can rephrase the question and say it back; this shows you’re an active listener.
When finishing your interview, you’ll most likely be asked if you have any questions. You never want to say you don’t have any questions because it looks as if you didn’t do your research. Make sure you ask at least two open-ended questions, not yes or no questions.
At the end of the interview, look at the interviewer, or smile through the phone if it’s a phone interview, and say, “You know, part of the reason I love XYZ company is (and say something specific). I’d really love the opportunity to work with you and your colleagues.”
Also have your thank-you note ready before the interview, so that immediately afterward, you can add something that you and the interviewer talked about and send it within an hour. This will also help you stand out.
— Samantha Ettus, work/life balance expert and author of “The Pie of Life”
Q: I’m eligible for a vaccine but still can work from home. Should I get one or forgo my dose?
A: When it comes to the vaccine, we appreciate people’s interest in forgoing the vaccine for someone who may need it more. But we just need to follow the public health algorithms to get everybody who is indicated to have the vaccine.
Working from home is safer, but it still isn’t zero risk. We still have interactions in our buildings, communities, delivery services and mail.
A single incident of exposure to a cloud of aerosolized COVID-19 is enough to get infected. So people who have that contact happening 30 or 40 times a day are much more likely to get it than somebody who has it once a day or a few times a week, but it’s still happening.
For us to get our life back to some normalcy, we need everybody to get vaccinated when their number comes up. We’re encouraging people to get vaccinated as soon as they can.
— Dr. Mark Loafman, chair of family and community medicine, Cook County Health
A: This is a common question that people ask: “I don’t really come in contact with people, so do I have to do this?” And the answer is yes, because collective vaccine distribution results in a community being more healthy and having a stronger immune response collectively than one individual.
Even if you are working from home, you will still interact with your community. It’s not a question of do you ever step out of your house. It’s more of when you step out of your house, are you at risk? And the answer again is yes. If you step out your house every Friday, that means every Friday you’re at risk.
Also, just because you receive a second dose of the vaccine does not mean you can take your mask off, because we don’t want to go backward. We’re moving in a good direction. Wear your mask and get your vaccine, so we can continue to move forward.
— Dr. Christopher Colbert, assistant emergency medicine residency director and professor of clinical emergency medicine at the University of Illinois at Chicago
Q: A friend from out of town wants to visit you, but you are not comfortable hosting someone right now due to COVID-19. How should you respond?
A: In this particular instance, you want to be honest with the person and say exactly why you do not want to host anyone, and you should do so in a way that’s not accusatory, meaning you don’t want to respond in a manner that makes the person feel bad. You also want to make your response about you as opposed to the other person. What I mean by that is you can say, “I want to do everything I can to protect you, so right now I’m not having any visitors stay in my home.”
However (and then this is where you ease the brunt), you can say to the visitor, while you’re here, how about we do something while social distancing — maybe there’s a park nearby that you can go to, hike a trail or something like that outdoors. Try to find something else that you might be able to do together, so the person doesn’t feel completely put off.
— Elaine Swann, etiquette expert and author of “Let Crazy Be Crazy”
A: It’s important to acknowledge that it’s valid for you to say no and to want to hold that boundary. It’s important to come to terms with your values, needs and boundaries.
When you share this, just try to ensure that your friend doesn’t feel too rejected. Make sure that while you express that boundary, you also express the happiness and joy that you would have felt if your friend had come. So you say something like, “Oh, my gosh, it’s been so long. I would totally love to see you. But I’m just not comfortable having people over until the pandemic is over. I totally hope that we can plan a time, once we’re all vaccinated, for you to come down.”
I also think it’s easier for people to accept a boundary when you offer them an alternative that can fulfill both of your needs. So you can share something like, “While I’m not comfortable having you over, maybe we can video chat or talk on the phone because I would still really love to reconnect with you.”
— Dr. Marisa G. Franco, psychologist and friendship expert
Q: Is it OK to ask people how they got COVID-19?
A: Absolutely. When people mention they’ve had COVID-19 or know someone who’s contracted the virus, the natural next thought is, “How did they get it?” As humans, we question everything, and inquiring minds want (need) to know, especially with a virus that has basically brought our lives to a screeching halt. While asking people how they got COVID-19 can appear nosy, it’s not. We’re all just trying to understand for our own edification and to prevent spreading it to others.
However, our delivery and choice of words truly matter. When we’re empathetic, it adds a softening that makes people feel safe, and therefore we’re much more likely to obtain an open, honest answer. An accusatory tone makes people feel judged and is guaranteed to put them on the defense and less willing to share specific details.
There’s no denying a certain amount of stigma is swirling around the virus, and while it’s significantly worse, our reaction is similar to the way we typically run for the hills when we hear someone has the stomach flu or a child has lice. So if you inquire, be considerate and caring, as opposed to collecting facts or assigning blame. We all want to steer clear of the contagion, but we have to remain civil and respectful above all.
— Lisa Gaché, etiquette expert and founder of Beverly Hills Manners
A: While society has become more open and it’s quite rare that any topic is taboo, inquiring how someone may have become ill is still in poor taste. Some subjects, especially this one, remain sacred and personal.
Inquiring in depth about anyone’s private health issues remains in poor taste as it is considered an invasion of privacy. Think of it this way: Would you want to share extensive details about how and possibly why you caught the virus. Putting yourself in the shoes of the other person tends to allow people to err on the side of caution and civility.
It’s best to skip the why and how of illness — especially COVID-19 — and stick with good wishes for a speedy recovery.
— Karen Thomas, etiquette expert
Q: How do you tell a stranger in a store who is not respecting the social distancing guidelines to back up?
A: Speaking up when something is wrong or bothering you is not easy. How you do it makes a huge difference in how well it’s received. Keep in mind you can’t predict the other person’s reaction, especially a stranger. Remember that we can’t control others’ actions; we can only control what we say and do. When social distancing boundaries are violated, you should always start from a place of kindness and only escalate if necessary.
Start by evaluating the situation, if it’s the first time disrespecting social distancing guidelines around you, then you can say in a friendly and upbeat tone, “Would you mind creating a little bit more space between us, please? Thank you. I really appreciate it.” Since we can’t control what others do, we can give each other more space by saying, “Sorry, I’m trying to keep 6 feet away,” while stepping back.
If the other person continues to disrespect social distancing guidelines, then you can seek the help of someone who is in charge. That will ensure you aren’t dealing with the problem alone. With that being said, you should never do this as a way to shame or punish someone else, only to protect everyone’s health and safety.
— Bonnie Tsai, etiquette expert and founder of Beyond Etiquette
A: 2020 is winding down (slowly, ever so slowly), but COVID-19 cases are surging in the U.S. This is due to several factors, the most glaring of which is that people still aren’t following (or can’t follow) Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommendations to stay home and maintain a safe distance from others when out in public. So, how do you tell a stranger in a store who is not respecting the social distancing guidelines to back up?
Fortunately, being a woman has provided plenty of lessons over the years on the invasion of personal space. Here are a few tips on reestablishing your boundaries, adjusted for the current pandemic.
Move away. Scream whispering “social distance, social distance, social distance” as you walk away won’t hurt.
Nonverbal option: Make direct eye contact with the offender, then the stickers on the ground marking 6 feet, then back again with the offender. Some people just need the reminder that they’re being COVID-19 lurkers.
Ask the other person (without removing your mask) to please step back a little. If the person doesn’t listen, ask someone who works there (without removing your mask) to help you. Make sure you remain 6 feet away from store clerks/salespeople/essential workers while you’re speaking to them (with your mask on)!
At this point in the pandemic, people know what they are supposed to do to ensure the health and safety of themselves and their community. This is not the time to feel guilty about asking someone to respect your space; anyone who isn’t doing that already is the PROBLEM-19.
— Alex Kumin, comedian and writer
Q: One of your friends posted on social media that a loved one passed away. Is it OK to ask if the person died of COVID-19?
A: This is an interesting point to consider as we are all wrestling with the effects of COVID-19. As it’s a social media “friend” who had a loved one who passed away, I think it’s a good idea to think through how we respond before we post a comment or DM with a question about how the loved one passed away.
Whenever we hear of someone passing, if we are not aware of the cause, it’s a normal response to wonder how it happened. Was the person ill? Was it an accident? Was it self-inflicted? This is why holding our tongue and thinking through our responses when sensitive situations arise is paramount.
I recommend thinking through your response and leaning toward “less is more” for the time being. Your friend is going through the grieving process, and you should make that your primary concern by empathizing, supporting and helping. Once you have addressed these three ways of loving a hurting friend, you will probably discover the cause of death. Either ask another friend who is close to the source how the loved one passed away, or wait until it plays out and your question is addressed organically. The only change would be if you were in close contact with the loved one or if you have a medical reason for needing to know.
— Dr. Melanie Ross Mills, relationship expert and temperament therapist
A: A year of firsts. Because COVID-19 is a new disease, there is still much to learn about it. Social media is about the only thing that binds our society, from pandemiquette memes to COVID-19 updates. If you read online that someone has died, asking how oversteps social bounds. The rule is simple: If no one volunteers, it’s none of your business.
People die every day from a wide range of illnesses. A question about the death may come across as insensitive and force that person to make excuses for their loved ones to maintain their privacy. Further, it may bring back unnecessary pain of the loss all over again.
If an obituary doesn’t offer the cause of death, never ask. While death will become all of us, this outbreak has altered the way in which we live.
No matter what your intentions are, it’s rude to ask how someone died. A good rule of thumb is to say, “I’m sorry for your loss. How can I help?”
— Lisa Grotts, etiquette expert
Q: You live with roommates, and one of you tests positive for COVID-19. How do you address the quarantine situation?
A: You want to have designated rooms and designated spaces. The person who tested positive gets the bedroom with the bathroom attached, if there is one. You also want to keep belongings separate — coats and hats shouldn’t be hung up together. That’s huge. We always say, “Practice makes permanent,” so do the same things every day. Don’t switch it up.
So what happens if you don’t have multiple bedrooms? The person who did not test positive sleeps on the couch or pull-out mattress in the living room. If you don’t have a second restroom, make sure the one you have gets cleaned vigorously. Keep towels and washcloths in the designated rooms, not in the restroom. That’s extremely important as well.
Another important aspect is mental wellness. You can watch the same program on TV and text each other during the show. If you know the person who is sick loves Chipotle, you can pick it up on Thursdays — things like that. Part of being safe is being both physically and mentally healthy. So we encourage the healthy person to walk around with a mask for a short distance in low-traffic areas, staying away from other people.
Lastly, the most important thing we can do as a community is to wear a mask because wearing a mask works.
— Dr. Christopher Colbert, assistant emergency medicine residency director and professor of clinical emergency medicine at the University of Illinois at Chicago
A: If we are suspicious that our roommate might have COVID-19, because we are witnessing certain symptoms, we can advise her or him to get tested. Not everyone agrees with testing, so we need to treat the situation carefully and politely. We should be careful either way, whether the roommate got tested or not.
We should revisit the rules we are all aware of, such as staying 6 feet away from one another, not sharing household items, avoiding being in the same room and not sharing phones or watching videos or movies together.
But we shouldn’t be paranoid. If you want to be a truly good roommate, make a dish or prepare a cup of soup for your sick roommate.
We definitely do not want the sick person to feel ignored, isolated or a heavy burden to the rest of us. We should all work as a team to create a great environment for our roommate, opening the windows for fresh air, offering to buy things the roommate might need and, in general, trying to be good humans.
In many situations, the roommate might not have any family in town, and vulnerable people need strong support. I hope we all can be good roommates during these difficult times and support one another mentally, emotionally and physically.
— Maryanne Parker, etiquette expert
Q: How do you tell your family you won’t be coming over for Thanksgiving this year?
A: The best way to handle this is similar to any other event you attend. If you knew you would not be able to attend an event, the proper etiquette would be to RSVP as soon as you know; the same goes for your family. As soon as you know or as soon as you are even considering not going, then you should let your family know.
The important thing is to be confident in your decision and in relaying that decision to your family. Your family is always going to want you home to spend time with you, and if they think you are not set in your decision, they will try to make you reconsider. The more confident you are, the easier it will be to tell your family.
Honesty is the best policy. You don’t want to get caught in a lie. Be resolute in your decision, and let your family members know that it is not them, but it’s time for something new, or you wish to keep your exposure low with COVID-19 numbers on the rise.
— Jules Martinez Hirst, etiquette expert
A: Telling your family that you won’t be joining them for the holidays can feel intimidating. But the reality is that the COVID-19 pandemic has solidly entered its eighth month, and everyone everywhere must face the fact that this holiday season is going to be completely different. Coronavirus cases are rising in practically every state, and though there may be ways to commune with your family safely — provided you follow protocols and guidelines from the experts — the most responsible thing to do is to limit travel and stay home. These are simple facts.
So my advice is to take a deep breath and call your family (yes — call them — it’s a tough conversation, and hearing your voice will be important). Go over the facts, tell the truth about how you feel, tell them how much you love them and maintain your boundaries. Consider scheduling a special Zoom for the day, or maybe a cook-along for pie-baking on the day before, or a game night over Zoom after Thanksgiving dinner.
And before you hang up, consider starting a gentle conversation with your family about the holiday itself. 2020 has not just been the year of COVID-19; this incredible time of challenges and growth has propelled many Americans to investigate the ways in which their behavior contributes to systemic racism in our country. Thanksgiving is a vital time to investigate that.
Perhaps refraining from travel or family gatherings this year can give you a little time to investigate the history behind the myth of the Thanksgiving story and whether it’s worth it to you and your family to continue the tradition in years to come.
— Emma Couling, freelance writer, moderator and host of “Stay Mad Chicago”
Q: With COVID-19 cases on the rise in some areas, how should you react when someone kicks you out of your shared quarantine pod?
A: In any sort of delicate situation like this one, where there is the potential for hurt feelings, I recommend taking some time to process the information in a less emotional frame of mind. Even the most levelheaded human beings tend to feel judged, shamed or rejected when they are consigned to an out-group.
All of us are attempting to navigate the new reality of COVID-19, and we are doing our best to balance the risks to our physical health with our emotional health. In the absence of clearly established social norms, each of us may need to make different choices from other people in our communities or families. Taking several hours, or even a day, to get some distance from any negative feelings you might have is definitely the right first step. Once you have some space, try asking yourself why you are no longer in your friends’ bubble. Generate a few possibilities on your own before re-engaging with the person who informed you that you will no longer be in the same quarantine pod.
When you talk to your former podmate, lead with empathy and compassion, then follow with curiosity. For example, you could start with something like, “This must have been a hard decision. Thank you for letting me know.” Then gently ask why the person asked (or told) you to leave the pod. Try using language that is less personal and more open-ended, such as, “I’m curious what led you to close down your pod?” The reason may make complete sense once you have heard it in a calm moment.
— Dr. Ben Michaelis, psychologist and author of “Your Next Big Thing: Finding Your Passion”
A: Initially you might feel hurt or rejected, and let yourself feel those feelings — they are valid — but also don’t jump to conclusions about what this means about you and your friendship. Call on the phone so that communication is clear, and ask about how your friend came to this decision. Overall, your goal for handling this agreement is to engage in mutuality — zooming out to consider the other person’s needs alongside your own to evaluate what’s fair.
You might be surprised by what you hear — that some sort of other extenuating circumstance is motivating it, such as an older family member moving in, or exposure to someone who has tested positive, or that your friend has decided to isolate because of stress over the rise in cases. On the other hand, your friend might share that you are, perhaps, not careful enough or that the two of you aren’t vibing well.
These responses will be hard to hear, and it’s OK to say that you’re hurt, but restrain yourself from sharing judgments about the other person. You can also share some of the consequences that this choice will have for your life. Being able to say your piece will hopefully bring some closure.
As you search for a new quarantine pod, make sure you have an open conversation at the start about one another’s boundaries and what might cause you to leave the pod, and how you’d want to go about that separation. Make sure you can accept one another’s boundaries before moving forward. This way, down the road, the conversation about a pod breakup will be easier.
— Dr. Marisa G. Franco, psychologist and friendship expert
Q: Your child wants to go out trick-or-treating with friends. How should you handle the request?
A: The first thing you want to do is determine your risk level. What is the daily positive test percentage in your county? If in the 5% to 10% range or lower, risks are low.
What is your family’s health risk? Is there a parent who has obesity, diabetes or chronic pulmonary conditions such as asthma or COPD? Is there a family member you see often who is over 65? What is your community doing? How far afield do they want to go? Will your kids be outside the whole time? Risks are much higher in an apartment building. Are they willing to wear COVID-19 masks underneath their costume mask? Are they willing to social distance? Will they use hand sanitizer after getting candy? Can they not eat any until they’re home and hands are washed? If your child is too young to be expected to remember these precautions, you must accompany them.
Your child will be far more likely to agree to a plan if she feels a part of the decision-making and her side of the argument is heard and considered. Even if she doesn’t get what she wants, feeling heard will go a long way. Let your child know you need to make an agreement you are all OK with. Hear your child’s case first. Why does she want to go with friends? How important is it to her?
Then list the risks and benefits. Masks are non-negotiable. Only go to houses where the host is wearing a mask. Acknowledge that you, of course, want Halloween to be normal and fun and share what you’re concerned about, then hear your child’s response. Are the friends responsible enough to follow the protocols?
Some possible negotiating points are: Are we all willing/able to stay away from grandparents or compromised family members for two weeks? Perhaps the trick-or-treating stays within your block. Perhaps mom or dad accompanies to ensure protocols are kept for safety and promises to stay at a distance.
If your risk level is high: Hide candy around your yard for your child and friends to find, or invite a couple of friends to watch a scary movie at your house.
— Bonnie Harris, parenting specialist, founder of Connective Parenting and host of the podcast “Tell Me About Your Kids…”
A: As the parent, your parental judgment needs to prevail. Traditional door-to-door trick-or-treating is basically going to be out this year, but that doesn’t mean your kids have to skip Halloween. It does mean getting creative about safe ways to enjoy this kid-centered holiday. It also means having the adult perspective that safety and health are more important than a fun, one-day commercial holiday.
Check out the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s list of low-risk activities for Halloween. Remember that Halloween masks are not protective cloth masks! So when planning a costume, let your child come up with something creative that can incorporate a cloth mask.
Scary things might not be the way to go this year, because screaming pushes air out much farther than normal breathing, so you need to be even farther away to avoid contagion. And kids are feeling so much stress these days that they may be more easily upset and frightened by scary content.
Depending on age, this may not be the year for kids to do something without adult supervision because without reminders and in the throes of fun and peer pressure, many children will simply bunch together and take off their masks.
Because it’s been such a difficult time, it is good to help yourself and your child have fun! So have Halloween. But teach your children that making changes to the holiday to protect others and yourself is not only doable but is part of being an ethical, good, kind world citizen. Show them the value of creative problem solving by brainstorming your alternatives and their implementation. This may also be a great year for parents to dress up, increasing the number of costumed players in your pod, modeling that you like to have fun with them and helping them feel that, through the tough times and the good times, you’re all in this together.
— Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the “Personology” podcast from iHeartRadio
A: Halloween is a unique holiday. It’s one that most of us celebrate. No matter your religion or location, we can agree that wearing a costume, hanging out with neighbors and receiving free candy is a good time. This year has been so weird, we are all longing for something normal. Dressing up in costumes and going trick-or-treating with friends is a tradition for most of us and it’s hard to hear that it’s not happening this year.
Listen to your kids’ requests, take them seriously and let them down softly. Trick-or-treating in a traditional sense is just not safe in 2020. Open up the conversation in an age-appropriate way to talk about alternatives.
For preschoolers and young elementary-age kids, let them know we can’t go door to door this year. It’s not safe because we can’t social distance and stay 6 feet apart. For middle schoolers and high school age kids, you might receive more pushback, so my advice is to keep it real.
The CDC describes trick-or-treating as a high-risk activity. It’s not worth the risk. Redirect the focus as quickly as you can. Use the conversation to talk about alternatives and what we can do. Put on your thinking cap, and explore other options. You could have a Zoom pumpkin-carving contest, a costume drive-by parade, or a Halloween-themed movie night at home. This pandemic has caused us all to be extremely creative; this is another chance to start new traditions.
2020 has been hard on all of us, but especially our kiddos. Have a listening and compassionate ear but stay strong. Our job is to keep them safe.
If you are looking for me on Halloween, I will be on the couch, fully dressed in costume, while my 4-year-old and I eat our way through a Costco Size bag of candy!
— Jenny LeFlore, founder of Mama Fresh Chicago
Q: Is it OK to ask guests to get a COVID-19 test before coming to your event?
A: Given how easily COVID-19 spreads, it is understandable that you are concerned about it spreading among your guests. However, it would be asking a lot of your invitees to get tested for the virus before coming to your event, and it’s not guaranteed to prevent the spread of the disease at your function.
How would you verify they took the test and that the results were negative? What if some invitees were tested a week before your event and the results were negative but then they are possibly exposed to the virus after the test? If some guests don’t get the test results in time for the party, would you tell them they can’t attend? And if there is a cost for the test, would you expect your invitees to pay for it?
While we should use caution when getting people together, asking others to be tested to attend your event is a major inconvenience and sets a negative tone. Instead, state in the invitation that you will be following Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and other health agency recommendations, and ask your guests to do the same, including washing or sanitizing their hands, wearing a mask and socially distancing.
Make sure your event does not exceed state recommended gathering sizes and that there is enough space to allow people to be at least 6 feet apart. You should also have some disposable masks and bottles of hand sanitizer available. If you still feel nervous about the possibility of the virus being spread at the soiree despite taking those steps, it might be best to postpone the function until you feel more comfortable hosting a group of people.
— Arden Clise, author of “Spinach in Your Boss’s Teeth: Etiquette Essentials for Professional Success”
A: First off, WHAT EVENT ARE YOU HAVING IN THESE CORONA TIMES? Sorry if I’m yelling, but there’s a pandemic, and I feel we haven’t had nearly enough yelling about this. I’m going to assume, for the sake of my sanity, that this is an event that cannot be moved. Anything else can be virtual or rescheduled. I cannot tell you the number of weddings I’ve seen postponed.
That said, I am a hypocrite and have gone on vacation to an Airbnb and had my kid over at someone’s house for a birthday party during this “unprecedented time.” The people I was with were the people in my pod all summer long, and everyone was masked at all times. Even then, we would check in with one another about testing and the results. We would quarantine if we visited loved ones or had to go to work in schools (some did).
My point here is that, of course, it’s OK. There are superspreader events happening nationwide, and it’s killed people who didn’t even attend them. This is not your Aunt Barb’s advice column. You do what you gotta do to keep people healthy. We’re in a new place, and safety first. You wanna hold an event? You have to do it safely. Even safer than that. No, more. Great. So to make that happen, you are well within your rights and druthers (whatever those are) to ask your guests to get tested. If they don’t want to, they don’t have to come. I know this seems a little harsh, but it’s 2020: It’s your party and you can test if you want to.
— Corrbette Pasko, actor, writer, professional swearer, Write Club host
Q: Should parents let their children who are away at college come home for a visit during the pandemic?
A: For all students returning from school, we suggest they quarantine for 14 days when they arrive home.
And if there are any symptoms, like a fever or a cough, seek medical management, or call your family practice doctor to get a test for COVID-19. We even recommend that those individuals who test negative at college still quarantine when they return home because there is going to be some time lapse following the test results.
We’ve had parents call and say: My child had a negative COVID test this morning; are they free to come home and then drive to someone’s home for a wedding or a gathering? And the answer is no, because it’s just a matter of being cautious because of the simple fact that young adults are more likely to visit family members who have preexisting medical conditions.
When you’re in college, the incidence of other classmates having underlying conditions is lower. However, when you come home from college and you’re visiting relatives, that’s where the transmission of the virus can have a greater impact on that population of individuals than 19- or 20-year-old college students.
And if they come home, they need to stay at home. Not come home and go to bars downtown with friends from other colleges who are now home.
We want to err on the side of caution and be an advocate for health, and ensure that other individuals in your family do not succumb because of exposure from an asymptomatic 19-year-old.
— Dr. Christopher Colbert, assistant emergency medicine residency director and professor of clinical emergency medicine at the University of Illinois at Chicago
A: I think the most important part is to have really clear communication between the parent and the child in that situation. It’s vital to be able to know your own personal boundaries, and oftentimes within families, those things can get messy and complicated. But I think it’s important.
Before entering into that conversation, know what you’re comfortable with, and use “I” statements because it’s a really easy way to be clear about your expectations.
If parents do not want the child to come back because they want to be really cautious, they can have the conversation with the child saying: I love you. I wish I could see you. And because you’re able to have this experience at college, and you’re out and having more exposure than we’re used to, I want to be really clear about my expectations for when you do come back for a longer visit. Let’s have these precautions set in place, so that I would be able to actually enjoy and focus on our time together rather than be worried.
If the child wants to come home, but the parent doesn’t feel comfortable with that, that’s not necessarily a statement about their relationship or whether or not the child feels loved. It’s more about respecting boundaries and respecting what people need to feel safe.
Be proactive with these conversations, and have a plan in place. This will reduce anxiety because everyone will be on the same page and expectations are made clear without the added level of stress. If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s be to resilient.
— Maryjane Reilly, licensed professional counselor at Clarity Clinic
Q: Your wedding is approaching, and you need to limit the number of guests in attendance to follow social distancing guidelines. How should you uninvite people?
A: Uninviting guests is much easier than it normally would be because no one is going to be surprised that a global pandemic has forced you to modify your wedding plans. You may even find that many guests will be relieved to be uninvited so that they don’t have to send regrets, as many may be worried that your event could put their health at risk.
The key is to let your guests know as soon as possible and ideally offer them an alternative to an in-person celebration. You might write a note like this:
“Dear (guest’s name — this should be personalized)
In light of the current global health crisis, we are modifying our wedding to make it as safe as possible and to follow social distancing guidelines. Because of this, we hope you will accept our apology as we will not be able to include you in our special day, in-person.
We will be having a virtual celebration for our original guest list after our very small in-person wedding, and we hope that you can attend that event. You are so important to us, and we would love to have the opportunity to celebrate this moment in our lives with you however we can.”
Other important elements are to follow up any gifts with thank you notes immediately as you usually would and if you’ve already secured wedding favors you can even send them to guests who can’t attend in person, so that they feel like they’re a part of your day.
The purpose of a wedding is to bear witness and celebrate the union of two people, and even during this challenging time, with small weddings and virtual celebrations, you can still create that connection.
— Lisa Orr, etiquette and protocol consultant
A: With today’s tech, no one has to be officially disinvited. Everyone can be included even if it’s limited to the virtual world. To protect guests from feeling downgraded to the virtual nose-bleed seats, set aside time after the ceremony for a private e-toast. (Maybe send a Champagne care package beforehand.) Acknowledge their supportive participation and say that, under better circumstances, you wish you could clink glasses in person but look forward to doing so when you can. This is the modern equivalent of inviting a guest to the ceremony but not the reception.
However, how do you decide who makes the in-person cut? Before you rank your relationships, first ask for opt-out volunteers. There’s social pressure to attend a wedding, which might force high-risk or risk-adverse guests to reluctantly forgo their COVID-19 concerns. Giving them an opportunity to opt out might be a welcome relief.
If your local government or venue has strict COVID-19 guidelines, like mandatory masks or travel restrictions, explain these constraints to your guests.
Another option includes limiting plus-ones. Or reduce the headcount by replacing wedding staff and asking essential guests to act as the officiant, musician, hairdresser, makeup artist, photographer, etc. This makes a wedding an intimate community event.
Whatever actions you take, do it as a couple. Marriage’s purpose is to lend support in good times and bad; consider this good team practice for the future. And when breaking the bad news to anyone, do it with care. Draft a polite, apologetic response, and customize it to each relationship. Don’t text, email or send the news secondhand. Make an audio or video call to each person. Or deliver the bad news in person (6 feet apart, masked), offer consolation air hugs, and give them their own hand sanitizer wedding favor.
— Katrina Majkut, author of “The Adventures and Discoveries of a Feminist Bride: What No One Tells You Before You Say ‘I Do'”
Q: Your partner or roommate won’t leave you alone when you’re trying to work from home. How can you nicely say to leave you alone?
A: Living and working from home over the last few months has been trial and error. This is a really good time to have a discussion or family meeting with your household about establishing boundaries now that we’re going to be at home more.
Announce the family meeting verbally to your household, and make it official over text or email, with a time and date that works for everyone.
It’s best to have an agenda of things you would like to discuss and give your spouse or roommates permission to air their annoyances as well. This meeting isn’t about what your spouse or roommates are doing wrong, but rather how you all can be more productive and respect your relationships.
During your meeting, discuss one another’s work hours, schedules and breaks. Maybe you are the one who had to work on the couch, and now you’d like to work at the kitchen table, or vice versa. You may also want to discuss what you and your spouse or roommates will not talk about during the workday. For instance, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., you won’t discuss chores around the house or the kids (unless it’s an emergency) because it pulls you and everyone in the house out of work mode into house mode.
Make sure to also address your need for alone time after your workday. This might be a visual code: for instance, you’re wearing headphones or have a whiteboard on the door that says not to disturb you.
Once you’ve had this meeting and established a work-from-home policy, find a communal time to regroup and check in with one another.
We often take our loved ones for granted. At work, we’re more prompt to recognize good work. So while at home, compliment and recognize when someone in your household does something that makes you feel good. Take the time to have gratitude.
— Julie Blais Comeau, chief etiquette officer at Etiquette Julie
A: It’s important to be empathetic when talking to your partner or roommates for a couple of reasons: One is that the more you understand what they are trying to get out of the interactions (Relief from boredom? Comfort from anxiety or loneliness? A more level playing field with housework or child care?), then the more you can help resolve the underlying issue, so that you don’t keep having this problem.
Another reason is that they are far less likely to go on the defensive and escalate things into a conflict if they feel that you are being kind and understanding about what they’re going through. Sometimes, it’s a deeper problem — one partner feels bothered but doesn’t realize that the other partner’s “intrusions” are actually very realistic and understandable attempts to share the load more equitably of kids who are climbing up the walls.
Sometimes, it’s a personality difference that has been magnified by our strange, lockdown lives — extroverts may feel miserable at home without their work lunches and chitchat. So, don’t be afraid to have a larger conversation about the potential roots of the problem if it’s a pattern that keeps cropping up.
With roommates, of course, you have more leeway and don’t necessarily have to prioritize their needs — but empathy still helps. Either way, you will get the best results if you offer a specific, concrete solution, such as “It’s really stressful for me to break from my work in the early afternoon, but can we catch up at 4:30 when things wind down?” This offers a path forward rather than just saying what not to do.
Finally, protect the boundaries you set, whether with headphones, a physical barrier or a visual symbol of when you are in work mode.
— Andrea Bonior, psychologist and author of “Detox Your Thoughts”
Q: Someone you know isn’t following the 14-day, out-of-state-travel quarantine rule. How should you handle the situation?
A: While we’ve been advised, in most parts of the country, to wear masks, avoid crowds and wash hands, quarantine rules vary from state to state. The pandemic hit us from every conceivable angle, but resisting a quarantine won’t change that fact. It will, however, require trust, flexibility and patience.
If someone you know doesn’t comply with quarantine conditions, try couching a response this way: “This is reckless behavior because it’s a serious public safety issue” or “I take the right of freedom very seriously, but this is a potentially deadly disease.” Ask, “Would you want to be responsible for knowing you’re infected and then spreading it to someone else?”
There may not be legal consequences, but if people knowingly leave isolation when they’ve tested positive, then it becomes a moral issue. If you’re ordered to quarantine, it’s because you’ve been exposed and must isolate until you are no longer contagious or until you test negative. We all have the right to choose to wear a mask or not to wear one, but we don’t have a right to expose or infect others.
We cannot always count on other people to do what they’re supposed to; we can only count on our own behavior. Don’t spread germs; spread common sense.
— Lisa Grotts, etiquette expert
A: We have this rule, but there is not any strong enforcement behind it. It puts us in this interesting situation with mask laws and quarantine laws if we’re not enforcing them directly. I think the answer to this lies in a concept called social proof.
Social proof is the idea that we look to other people to get a sense of what is normative behavior. So if a quarantine or mask law can get more people to abide by a 14-day quarantine or wear their masks, then other people will look around at that and see all of their neighbors are wearing masks or quarantining after traveling.
The best way to influence other people to abide by these things is to do them yourself and be public about how you do them. With masks, it’s easy: Go outside of your house and wear a mask. But with quarantine, that’s harder because either you are not going anywhere, so you don’t have to quarantine for 14 days, or you are quarantining and people can’t see that.
I think that is where social media could have a positive influence because you could post that you went somewhere and this is how you handled your quarantine when you came back. Or you chose not to go somewhere because of quarantine. That is kind of an odd thing to post: We don’t usually post about an absence of a behavior; we typically post about a behavior.
Getting into an argument with people by telling them they made a bad decision isn’t going to help. But showing more obviously what you are doing can help.
— Bree McEwan, associate professor, College of Communication at DePaul University
Q: You heard that someone had COVID-19, but now you’ve been invited to that person’s backyard to socialize. What do you ask the host to make sure it’s safe?
A: The pandemic has changed the ways we socialize. Gone are the days where we just pop in for a quick visit with someone — even close friends. Many of us have businesses or work that depend on us remaining healthy, not only for our own sake, but also for our staff and family members.
Therefore, if I was invited to a backyard event and I heard that the host had recovered from COVID-19, I would ask, “Thank you for the invitation to your party. I heard that you recovered from COVID-19. Is that correct?”
If the host confirms they’ve recovered from the virus, then you can ask the following questions: Have you been tested to confirm you are now virus-free? Will guests be asked to wear face masks? How many people will be attending? Can your backyard accommodate safe social distancing while seated? Are you requesting each person bring their own drinks and or food? If no, how will you ensure safe food sharing?
To ask relevant questions is a sign of the times, no matter how close you are with the host. If someone has invited you to their backyard for socializing, they need to be prepared to make everyone feel safe and comfortable, and be open to answering personal safety questions. If they aren’t, then you need to decide how comfortable you are with taking some risk. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whether to accept the invitation or not.
— Margaret Page, etiquette expert and author of “The Power of Polite“
A: I’d first understand that we are the only ones who can safeguard ourselves as best we know how. We can’t expect the host to have the same desires, regulations and guidelines that we do.
We’ve all had enough time to learn that not everyone feels the same about masks and social distancing over the past five months. This is why it’s completely acceptable to check with the host beforehand to learn what the plan is, to put ourselves at ease and make us feel safe.
Before you reach out, think through the steps you will need to take to ensure that you are comfortable with the situation; that could include confirming the host has tested negative for COVID-19 since they were diagnosed and asking about food plans or any other safety measures that would make you feel at ease.
Once you reflect on your concerns, approach the host in gratitude — it was kind that they invited you to join in on the fun. Let them know you are looking forward to being with everyone, and you wanted to check in to see what you can bring to help out. You can also ask about their plan for keeping everyone safe — especially in light of “so and so” having had COVID-19.
Communicate respectfully and gauge your responses according to their responses. Address your concerns if needed.
Once you have all of the information needed from the host, you should be able to determine whether or not you feel safe. You might have also been able to help the host guarantee that all of the guests will feel safe together by talking through your concerns.
Go have fun. Enjoy the backyard festivities as you implement whatever measures make you feel as safe as possible. Or stay home if your requirements aren’t met, and join them next time.
— Dr. Melanie Ross Mills, relationship expert and temperament therapist
Q: From the start, you and your partner or roommate have been on the same page with a COVID-19 safety routine. Now they want to relax the rules, but you don’t. What should you say?
A: The best thing you can do is actually have a conversation together. This includes making eye contact, putting the phones away, and sitting face-to-face —intentionally taking time to discuss the matter. Agree to try to understand one another’s perspective. Each person will need to know how much they are willing to compromise and what consequences they feel they need to carry out in order to feel respected in the relationship. For example, if one partner feels unsafe, and the other partner doesn’t want to increase their safety routine, the partner that feels unsafe may need to set some boundaries. This might include keeping some extra physical distance or sanitizing more frequently.
Additionally, because the situation is changing so rapidly, it would be helpful for each partner to agree to revisit the conversation in a week and see if they’re able to get on the same page. It’s also helpful to let the science do the talking, so see if each partner can each commit to taking an hour to research appropriate precautions. See if you can get in alignment about a safety routine together.
— Lauren Cook, therapist and author of “Name Your Story: How to Talk Openly About Mental Health While Embracing Wellness”
A: Fear, uncertainty and confusion are experiences commonly had if you are living in 2020. At a time when the world is trying to open up and normalize, these issues can creep into our own homes. Expectations for connecting with others are shifting and social norms are being adjusted. Living space is sacred, so it is important to consider and establish a sense of safety amid this changing environment. Given that every individual will have different conceptualizations of what activities they view as safe or risky, your partner or roommate will likely have different views as time goes on.
It is best to find a time to sit with these individuals to define the boundaries of the shared space and how to interact with them at this current moment. Given that any change in context requires a change in expectations, it is crucial to revisit this as our world adjusts. It is necessary that you advocate for boundaries that allow you to respect others and yourself simultaneously. It is important to be clear and open about the expectations you are communicating. Avoid a debate about sources of authority and what we believe to be true, or convincing others that the way they are interacting in the current state is either irresponsible or unnecessarily cautious. These approaches will only magnify the differences and cause you to focus more on uncertainty. The goal of the conversation should be to maximize both safety and respect for one another.
— Jeffrey Kraft, licensed therapist at Pinnacle Counseling
Q: You’ve been invited to a party. You aren’t sure about the number of attendees, if the event will be outdoors, whether social distancing will be in place or if masks are required. How should you ask the host?
A: Upon receipt of an invitation, it is customary to reply immediately, so as not to forget and to allow the host to have accurate planning numbers. Any questions you may have should be discussed at that time. Prefacing this sensitive subject with a nicety is most polite. This discussion will offer an opportunity for clarity and self-assurances.
A brief explanation asking specifics regarding social distancing, masks, etc. and ending the conversation with your decision of attendance or not is a well-respected way to handle this situation. If you disagree with the details offered, refrain from expressing your dismay, and end the discussion with well wishes.
— Karen Thomas, etiquette expert
A: Remember when the biggest worry we had about going to a party was what to wear and should I eat before I go in case the party is stingy on the appetizers? Well, thanks to COVID-19, we all have so many more concerns. Great hosts will anticipate that their guests will have different risk thresholds when it comes to protecting themselves and will lay out thoughtful information that will help guests plan accordingly (or send their regrets). If there isn’t any information on the party invite, you may consider making a call to the venue to ask about their service protocols and requirements as a starting point to gauge your comfort. If the party is at a private residence, you may have no choice but to address your questions directly to the host.
As a wedding and event planner, we are suggesting the following ideas to our clients as they plan their parties in the era of COVID-19:
Instead of making your party “cocktail attire” or “black tie invited,” dub it “pandemic black tie,” or make a note that “masks will be offered at the door to all attendees,” which implies that guests will be expected to wear masks.
In a separate card or footnote, show your love and appreciation for your guests’ health and safety by listing protocols that will be in place. Whether it’s seating guests in smaller groups, extra cleaning measures or hand sanitizer stations, it might not be the sexiest information, but it will show your guests you care.
Get ahead of fielding a million calls, texts and emails with these questions by acknowledging in the invitation that some people may just not be comfortable in a crowd right now, and that’s OK too. Good hosts will never make a guest feel bad about not attending their soiree. Offer a virtual way to attend the celebration for high-risk guests to toast from afar!
— Lori Stephenson, owner of Lola Event Productions
Q: How should you tell people they are wearing their mask incorrectly?
A: If you encounter someone wearing a mask incorrectly, be gracious and give the person the benefit of the doubt. Avoid putting anyone on the defense by offering unsolicited advice. Instead take a helpful approach. Smile with your eyes, and say something as simple as, “Excuse me, I noticed your mask was slipping a bit around the ears. Thought you might want to know, so it doesn’t fall to the floor.”
While sharing this information, gesture with your own mask the correct way to cover both the nose and mouth. If this exchange is done with a kind and upbeat tone, you will come across as friendly and concerned, rather than fearful and threatening.
After four months of dealing with COVID-19, the last thing anyone needs is more friction. Take a breath, be tolerant and kind with every interaction, and you might even receive a sincere thank-you in return.
— Lisa Gaché, etiquette expert and founder of Beverly Hills Manners
A: I think that navigating this moment of transition will involve a new understanding of the importance of boundaries with your friends and loved ones. It’s going to be hard to tell people how to wear their masks, but you may have to. I would encourage you to practice. Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying, “Hey, friend, can you please pull your mask up over your nose?” Practice saying, “I love you, but I can’t spend time with you unless you wear your mask over your nose and mouth.” Practice saying, “Give me 6 feet please.”
And give yourself the mental practice of walking away if you have to. Imagine yourself in a situation where a friend won’t wear a mask properly and imagine yourself saying, “I’ve got to go,” and then leaving. Give yourself some training on setting those boundaries.
But importantly, remember how strange a time this is. Allow for that strangeness to exist. Exercise patience with folks you see not wearing a mask or not wearing one properly. We’re on a learning curve. Some folks are being thoughtless and selfish, absolutely. But some are struggling to learn and overcome traumas that may be associated with objects being close to their faces and/or throats; to understand that wearing a mask isn’t just about their comfort or their safety, but about everyone else’s.
Lead with compassion always, but set your boundaries firmly.
— Emma Couling, freelance writer, moderator and host of “Stay Mad Chicago”
Q: What should you say to friends and family members who think the pandemic is over?
A: The COVID-19 pandemic is not over. It’s still here, it never went away, and it’s not going anywhere until there is a vaccine available.
This virus is very infectious. It’s more infectious than influenza, so we really need to be more vigilant. States reopening may give some a false sense of security because, again, the pandemic is not over.
If friends or family members call COVID-19 a hoax on Facebook, don’t engage online, because social media is not a realistic place to have a conversation. Engaging with loved ones who don’t believe in the dangers of the pandemic is not worth your mental engagement. It’s so frustrating to see the lack of compassion from some people who refuse to see past themselves.
If you are going to go out and engage in social activities, take the proper precautions and wear a mask, especially as cases rise in the U.S. If you want to support local restaurants and bars, try ordering takeout, dining outside or making a conscious effort to only go to places that are maintaining social distancing protocols and require masks.
— Emma Kate Loveday, postdoctoral researcher and virologist
A: This pandemic is so large and terrifying that many would prefer to pretend it’s not happening.
That’s a coping mechanism.
It may seem unhealthy, but avoidance is the only way some people know how to make it through these historic events.
The best way to communicate to people living with this denial is to only speak in facts and to avoid personal stories or feelings.
“I think you should wear a mask” is a statement that invites conversation, but “Several countries have cut their number of infections over 50% by simply having citizens wear masks; it’s proven to reduce the spread of infection” tells other people they’ll have to do research to keep up with this conversation.
If strict facts don’t work, it’s time to take a good look at the relationship. Language like “I wish you would be careful” could work, but “If you keep being unsafe during this pandemic, I can’t be close to you until it’s over” sets a standard. If the person didn’t know before how serious this pandemic was, then hearing someone close to them draw a line says it’s time to start listening.
Yes, restaurants are reopening, but some have already closed again after staff members have become infected with the coronavirus. For every inch forward, it can feel like we jump 6 feet back.
We have to help each other. So, keep talking. Keep telling the truth. Keep showing facts, and don’t back down. If they care about you, they will listen and, hopefully, change, because what you’re asking them to do is incredibly low-effort.
Your safety matters, and it’s time for us all to get better at verbalizing that our health is worthy of discussion.
— Ike Holter, Chicago playwright and screenwriter
Q: With stay-at-home orders lifting in some areas, how can you have safe sex with someone outside of your home during the COVID-19 pandemic?
A: If you are thinking of having sex with someone you know or someone you have been in a relationship with, and you trust that this person has practiced social distancing and hand-washing, then great, go for it.
If it’s someone you don’t know, such as someone you’ve met on a dating app, I don’t think so. The days of the one-night stand are over because of the coronavirus. I think now is the time to get to really know someone before you go home together. Again, this is a huge leap of trust you are making with someone you barely know.
Any healthy relationship needs safety, trust and emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy is talking and sharing, which you can still practice virtually or from a distance. Try talking on the phone, having a Zoom call or sitting outside together at least 6 feet a part.
During this time, you really need to know whom you are sleeping with. It’s not just a certain age demographic getting COVID-19; it affects everyone. You aren’t just putting yourself at risk for a sexually transmitted illness, but also for a deadly virus. You can’t tell by looking at people if they have coronavirus. They might not show symptoms but could still be a carrier.
Despite how much fun sex is, before there is a vaccine, it’s not worth your life.
— Michele Day, licensed clinical social worker, certified sex addiction therapist and executive director of Chicago Center for Sexual Wellbeing
A: This time offers an invitation for people to think deeper about why they are having sex, what they are getting from it, and whether that benefit is worth the risk. In fact, there is always a risk when we have sex, especially when we do so casually and with multiple partners, so now is a good time to bring more thoughtfulness and intention to your sexual decisions.
For instance, let’s say you meet a Tinder date for a hookup. Is a one-night stand really worth the risk of exposure? What am I really seeking? Is it connection, release, validation, company or just the comfort of not being alone? Are there other ways I can get my needs met that won’t put me at risk? And can you still meet some of those above-listed needs if you put physical intimacy to the side for a while and just focus on building an actual emotional connection with someone on a virtual and openhearted level? You can still meet your own sexual needs by yourself while enjoying emotional intimacy that is also sustaining and fulfilling.
If you decide the risk of a casual encounter is worth the benefit to you, then be sure to inquire about your date’s travel, health, job and whether anyone your date knows has tested positive for COVID-19.
If you’re meeting up with a boyfriend or girlfriend (as opposed to a hookup), you likely already know the risk your partner has of being infected with the coronavirus.
Although some may balk at the idea, wearing a mask during sex could be a good idea, especially if you are high-risk or your partner is high-risk, or if you or your partner haven’t been social distancing or strictly wearing masks, or if you simply don’t know your partner that well and what your partner’s exposure risk is. Until we understand this virus better, enjoy sex at a distance (such as via sexting). Wait to have sex with someone you know is virus-free, and even better, someone with whom you have built a real, lasting connection.
— Dr. Laura Berman, sex therapist, host of “Uncovered Radio with Dr Laura Berman” and author of “For Women Only, Revised Edition: A Revolutionary Guide to Reclaiming Your Sex Life”
Q: Some states are beginning to slowly reopen, but you still have anxiety about the coronavirus. How should you respond when friends want to get together at a restaurant?
A: What I see happening as areas slowly reopen and as people develop quarantine fatigue is a battle between FOMO (fear of missing out) and FOGO (fear of going out). Which fear is more likely to rule the day has to do with each person’s psychology and perception of risk.
There is clear-cut, data-driven science that indicates that going to a public place where you will not completely social distance and you will not mask, in order to eat, comes with some risk of contracting COVID-19. How much risk will vary with the area and infection rates. But how individuals feel about the risk can depend on whether they handle fears by avoidance or psychological denial.
Knowing that you are potentially exposing yourself and thereby your loved ones to COVID-19 by dining and being served by a group of strangers, you may decide not to do it, period, to avoid the danger. Or you may, even unconsciously, tell yourself that you don’t “feel” at risk or that the risk is tiny and “to heck with it” — you will charge ahead and just do it.
What gets really tricky is when your group has different mechanisms for managing anxiety. One person wants to go to restaurants and bars, and another wants to avoid any situations that don’t permit social distancing and masking. Be willing to openly and nonjudgmentally share your feelings. Be understanding that these are highly stressful times that bring out myriad anxieties in most of us. Avoid blame and accusation.
Trust that you can talk and maintain a friendship, even when you choose to be different from one another or disagree. Peer pressure to do something that puts you at risk means your peers either don’t understand that’s how you feel or you are too afraid to disappoint them — and you need to work on that. It’s OK to say you’re not comfortable yet, something real friends will understand.
— Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the “Personology” podcast from iHeartRadio.
A: There are a few ways you can respond, depending on what you think is the safest option for yourself and others. The important thing to keep in mind is that communication is crucial when we are adapting to new norms.
If you’re feeling anxious about getting together with your friends at a restaurant, you could let them know that as much as you would like to spend time with them in person, you would prefer to meet virtually to reduce the risk to everyone you come in contact with. If your friends decide to honor your decision and have a virtual dinner gathering, you can suggest some fun ideas, like ordering dessert to be delivered to your friends. Or set a budget and order food for one another like Secret Santa.
If you’re comfortable with meeting in person, but would prefer to meet outdoors rather than in an enclosed space, you can suggest picking up to-go orders separately from a restaurant and setting up a picnic outside with enough room for everyone to space themselves out. It’s important to follow social distancing rules even while we’re gathering outdoors.
If your friends insist that they want to get together at a restaurant, let them know you still have anxiety or concerns about gathering in an enclosed space. You should express your appreciation for their invitation and suggest they get together without you this time. Let them know that you’ll join them in the future when you feel more at ease about dining in a restaurant.
Etiquette post-COVID-19 isn’t just about being kind and respectful; it’s also about being considerate about other people’s health and safety by taking appropriate preventive steps. Remember to not be hypercritical of others and yourself, as we are all adapting to this new normal, especially since everyone is taking varying degrees of precautionary measures when it comes to their health and safety. In the end, the core values of etiquette, which are kindness, respect and courtesy, will continue to ring true.
— Bonnie Tsai, etiquette expert and founder of Beyond Etiquette
Q: What should you do if you are sick or need a COVID-19 test, but don’t have a car?
A: It is a good question and important that people are aware of the risk of exposing others. First, check to see if there is a testing site close to where you live to comfortably walk to, if you are feeling well enough.
If not, ask to have someone drive you — with both of you masked, you sitting in the back and the other person driving. To reduce the risk of exposure, wipe down all the surfaces you touch when you leave the car. You can also use a ride service, such as Uber or Lyft, with you sitting in the backseat and wearing a mask. Lastly, if you must use public transportation, remember to wear a mask and stay as far from others as possible.
Most importantly, if you are feeling very ill, specifically if you are short of breath or having chest pain, you should call 911.
— Dr. Nancy Glick, Infectious Disease, Mount Sinai Hospital
A: The CDC recommends prioritizing patients for testing who have symptoms of potential COVID-19 infection, including fever, cough, shortness of breath, chills, muscle pain, new loss of taste or smell, vomiting or diarrhea, and/or sore throat.
Most people can self-isolate safely at home if they are medically stable and not having a medical emergency. If you are having emergency warning signs for COVID-19, you should call 911 immediately. Emergency warning signs include trouble breathing, persistent pain or pressure in the chest, new confusion, inability to wake or stay awake, bluish lips or face. This list is not all of the possible symptoms. For any other symptoms that are severe or concerning to you, call your medical provider.
If you are a Cook County Health patient and do not have transportation, call 4-RIDE. Otherwise, call your primary care provider for options.
— Kimberley Conrad Junius, Cook County Department of Public Health
Q: Your company has decided to go back to the office, but you don’t feel safe doing that yet. How should you handle the situation, given the economy and job security?
A: In a matter of a few short months, the guidelines for etiquette have shifted. Safety comes before etiquette. As we do our best to adjust and with many stay-at-home orders ending, returning to our jobs probably feels rushed and scary.
For many, unemployment will come to an end, and employees will have to decide if they are comfortable heading back to work. For starters, know your local rules and regulations. Workplace protections can be different based on where you live.
Depending on your circumstances, if you are able to discuss your concerns with your boss, do it. If you can’t refuse to return to work, you can still try to negotiate. Perhaps you can reach an agreement to continue to work from home a couple more weeks until you feel comfortable.
When it’s time to go back to the office, continue to abide by the guidelines put in place by health officials.
Communicate your fears to your employer. For peace of mind, find out what protocols have been put in place to help ease your fears. Things are going to feel awkward for a while. But the rules of social etiquette still apply. It’s all about feeling comfortable and having others around you feel comfortable. When in doubt, refer to the core values of etiquette: respect and consideration.
?— Jacquelyn Youst, etiquette expert and owner of Pennsylvania Academy of Protocol
A: This is such a difficult situation because it really pits your financial security against your physical security.
The first step is communication: Talk to your boss, and ask if you can do your job remotely. The biggest concern for a manager is that you won’t work as hard from home. Address that head-on by explaining that you will be working even harder from home (no commute time) and will be just as accessible and accountable.
If this approach doesn’t work, then you will have a tough choice to make. Can you afford to be unemployed for a potentially lengthy period of time? This is not a good market for job seekers. If you need this job to sustain you financially, then you will head back to work in as safe a way as possible.
Now that you have opened the lines of communication with your boss, ask if the office will be requiring everyone to wear masks and maintain at least a 6-foot distance from one another. Let’s hope the answer is yes.
?— Samantha Ettus, work/life balance expert and author of “The Pie of Life”
Q: Should you tell your neighbors they’re too noisy during shelter in place, or let it go?
A: Unless it’s disrupting your sleep or work from home, I’d let it go. We’re two months into shelter in place, and keep in mind that our neighbors are probably going stir-crazy as well. If they want to learn a TikTok dance? Let them. If they want to blast Tegan and Sara all day? Maybe question their emotional state, but that’s their prerogative. (At least they have good taste!)
As a fellow loud neighbor and karaoke enthusiast myself, I’m no stranger to noise complaints. While others are baking sourdough, I’ve resorted to belting “She Used to Be Mine” by Sara Bareilles in different keys. So far, no passive-aggressive knocks from the other side of the wall.
If the noise is persistently occurring at odd hours, you can leave a kind note at their door (maybe throw in some fresh-baked banana bread) and ask them to be more mindful. You can request that they tone it down without asking them to quit their hobbies altogether.
If you absolutely cannot sit through the noise any more, I would recommend writing down the dates, times and any additional details. Once you’ve compiled a good case, reach out to your landlord and provide the document. Your landlord can serve as a mediator between you and your neighbors.
Ultimately, whatever you choose to do, do it with kindness. Who knows how much longer we’ll be living like this. If you’re rude to your neighbors about being too noisy, they have every right to return the favor next time you’re trying to drunkenly pronounce “X A-12” over a Zoom happy hour.
— Phillipe Thao, amateur time-waster and writer
A:I think that during this global pandemic, we need to summon as much empathy as we possibly can and try to be even more understanding than normal. I think all of us are looking for some sort of escape, some sort of relief from quarantine. We all want to get back to some semblance of our former, normal life.
If your neighbor has music that is too loud or is being too noisy, as long as it’s not eardrum breaking, I would let it go the first time. We are all under stress, and if we really look inward, we’ve probably all been a little too loud. But if it’s insanely loud, I would say something.
If it happens again, I would text or call my neighbor, very respectfully and politely. You can say something like, “I know this is a terrible time for all of us. We’re all trying to find a little relief from this quarantine, from this situation we’re all in. Would you please be so kind as to turn the noise level down a little bit?”
I think most people will be respectful of that and turn the noise down. Being an empathetic neighbor means we all have to be as mindful of everyone’s situation as we can. Everyone is stressed. I don’t think I know anyone who isn’t stressed!
If your neighbor doesn’t answer your text or call, things will get trickier because knocking on your neighbor’s door seems intrusive, given the virus.
If you live in an apartment and don’t know your neighbors that well, contact the front desk, if the building has one. If not, call the building manager or super to reach out to the neighbor.
— Heidi Dulebohn, etiquette expert
Q: How do you politely tell people they’re not on mute during a work Zoom call?
A: The most important thing is to be subtle and gentle about it. You can always send a private message to let them know that they haven’t turned the microphone off.
Alternatively, depending on your comfort or familiarity with the meeting attendees, you can always make a lighthearted remark about it. The key is to avoid calling someone out if you can and to make it seem as if they’ve arrived at the conclusion on their own. For instance, if you hear someone ordering dinner in the background, you can say, “Oh fried chicken sounds great, Jenny.”
It’s a group setting, and you want to avoid embarrassing everyone.
The other thing to keep in mind is that these types of things happen as we’ve switched to remote work. And with more virtual and online interactions, it’s inevitable that mishaps will happen. As long as we approach them with poise, grace and empathy, I don’t think it’s a big deal.
?— Scott Steinberg, president of The International Association for Business Development and Strategic Partnerships
A: I don’t tell people, and that isn’t a flippant answer, or because I’m being too polite (however Midwestern I may be).
I genuinely find whatever life they are trying to shut out more interesting than the life they are trying to present. So when someone thinks he’s muted and starts talking to his cat, it is very refreshing! There’s a real human being emerging on the other screen!
Zoom calls are too performative; how could they not be? Work Zooms are often the worst kind of Zoom calls — no one knows how casual they can be. One of my colleagues summarized it best as “a blurring of the public and private spaces.” It’s unfiltered, unairbrushed life rearing its ugly, little head. There is no way I’d want to mute that precious gem.
— Ben Claus, yoga instructor and writer
Q: You see people out in public not wearing masks or staying 6 feet apart. Should you say something?
A: It’s a complicated decision. You certainly have a right to speak up if someone is in your personal space or not wearing a mask in your vicinity.
The way you do it is the key. Say something in a polite tone such as, “Would you kindly take a few steps back? I’m doing my part to social distance, and I have no further space to back up on my end.” Your tone of voice is important when making a request or comment.
As much as you might feel irritated, if the person is not in your immediate vicinity, it’s probably best to stay in your own lane. Especially when going out of your way to chastise other people means getting in their space, violating the 6-feet rule.
If it’s your family members or close friends, feel free to speak your mind. But confronting strangers may put you in physical danger in more ways than one, since you don’t know their behavior. If people aren’t wearing masks in a retail store, speak to the manager. If someone is standing too close in line and not wearing a mask, you might say, “Excuse me, but I’m concerned about our close proximity and the fact that you aren’t wearing a mask. Let’s both take several steps back.”
We have a right to speak up to protect ourselves but also should use good judgment. Sometimes the best course of action may be to remove yourself from the situation.
— Diane Gottsman, etiquette expert, author of “Modern Etiquette for a Better Life” and founder of The Protocol School of Texas
A: If I see people out in public not wearing a mask, I make sure they are aware that I am going to stay away from them. Basically, distance yourself further from them.
When I am outside walking with my son, I have sometimes even said loudly, “Let’s make sure to get away from that person. She is not wearing a mask.” I have hopes that the person not wearing the mask can hear me.
In this day and age, being a person of color, you can never tell when people want to get confrontational. I tend to just figure that I am going to worry about my own safety because I want to believe they are informed. And if they aren’t, I am quite loud when I am with my son.
— Alvaro Saar Rios, playwright
Q: How do you turn down a friend or acquaintance asking for a ride in your car?
A: In response to this question, many people will come up with reasons to get out of giving the ride — going in the opposite direction, errands, no gas, etc.
Why should you have to make up excuses for something you don’t want to do? We do this because saying no is difficult for most of us. The fear of being considered mean or rude paralyzes us and forces us into saying yes. We need to learn to worry more about ourselves and less about what others think of us. A true friend will not hold this against you.
Someone is asking you for a favor. Honesty is the best policy. Simply tell the person that you can’t. Most people who ask for a ride actually need the ride, and when you decline, they will continue looking elsewhere. They have moved on. You should move on as well and not let your decision drag you down.
Thanks to the existence of ride-sharing services like Uber and Lyft, this question should be asked less and less. Of course, COVID-19 has made this much easier because the simple answer is I can’t; for your safety and mine, I’m practicing social distancing.
— Jules Martinez Hirst, etiquette expert
A: It’s time to level with your friends. Normally, I would come up with a list of reasons why it’s OK to do it or excuses you could legitimately have if you really didn’t want to.
This isn’t about “want” anymore. “Want” was an adorable notion that left with time and outside clothes. ‘Tis gone.
We are coming up on the two-month mark of social distancing (for most of us), and we’re all wondering if and when we’re going to show symptoms. Look your friend in the eye via FaceTime/Zoom and say, “Nope.”
If friends or acquaintances cannot understand your position, they’re not taking this pandemic seriously enough. And frankly, they don’t have to understand it, but you have to make the boundary for yourself and others.
But, if friends are disabled, immunocompromised or elderly, and need safe transportation for basic needs, consider asking if you can run the errand for them. Wear gloves (or plastic baggies), maintain your 6 feet, bring whatever they need to the doorstep, come home and light everything on fire (Fine. Or wash it. I guess.)
Another alternative is to let your friend use your car if you haven’t been in it in a while and if you aren’t using it for the next … well … long, long time. You can sanitize the keys. This option is for emergencies and people you trust to drive your car.
Otherwise? We need a “flatten the curve” emoji we can send as shorthand when someone asks to be in our breathing space.
— Corrbette Pasko, actor, writer, professional swearer, Write Club host
Q: You have to use an elevator on a daily basis. How should you use it safely during the coronavirus pandemic?
A: If you have to be in close proximity to people outside your household, you should wear a face mask to prevent the spread of the virus. The masks are actually intended to stop people from breathing, coughing or sneezing the virus into the air, rather than to block a person from breathing it in. If you can, wait until the elevator is empty and ride it alone.
It’s also best to practice respiratory etiquette if for some reason you aren’t in a mask — cough or sneeze into a tissue and throw the tissue away as quickly as possible. At this time of heightened sensitivity, these measures prevent the spread of illnesses, and they also demonstrate respect for other people who may be anxious about catching the new coronavirus.
There’s no need to panic about contracting the virus on an elevator. The current belief is that it is prolonged exposure to a person who is infected that will make it more likely you’ll contract the virus. Still, we recommend that everyone who can stay at home to keep front-line workers safe and to prevent the additional spread of the illness.
Droplets from an infected person are contagious, so the risk of transmission increases the closer two people are to each other and the longer the exposure lasts. Contact with inanimate surfaces like elevator buttons is not an efficient means of transmission, so hand washing and the use of hand sanitizer minimize those risks. Use hand sanitizer when you are outside your home, and wash your hands as soon as you can get to a sink.
— Dr. Irfan Hafiz, infectious disease specialist and chief medical officer at Northwestern Medicine Huntley Hospital
A: While waiting for the elevator, we should stand 6 feet from one another. Depending on the elevator’s capacity and the floor we need to reach, we can apply common sense.
If you’re going up a couple of floors, take the stairs if you can. If you are with a larger group using the elevator, appropriate personal space should apply, and only a few people should use the elevator at a time. This might be hard to achieve in a small elevator, but we should still try our best.
Inside the elevator, we should refrain from conversations, positive or negative. It is hard to talk through a mask anyway, and sometimes if we are passionate about presenting our point, we might get physically closer to the other person in the elevator.
If we want to maintain a positive demeanor and upbeat attitude, we can still greet our fellow riders with just a nod of the head; and a brief “Good morning” would be ideal. With a friendly gesture, we can let people leave the elevator before us, and try to avoid being unnecessarily close to one another.
— Maryanne Parker, etiquette expert
Q: How should you break up with someone during shelter in place?
A: We are in a time of deep intimacy in relationships. There’s nowhere to hide, no choice except vulnerability. Some couples are seeing clearer compatibility, and others, more dissonance.
If you know it’s time to end the relationship, that is being shown to you now for a reason. We are being asked to assess everything in our life and make sure it’s in alignment — and to let what’s not, fall away. If you’re not aligned, it’s time to release it.
Some of you want to wait until this passes. If that’s you, I want to remind you that not only does nothing look perfect right now, but perfectionism has in fact been an illusion the whole time, and we’re simply seeing that clearly now. There is no perfect way to end a relationship. And if your breakup is going to be messy, there’s no avoiding that, no matter what state the world is in.
For those who aren’t living together, breaking up is much the same as before, only now through a screen.
If you live together, it’s not as simple. Perhaps you’re not sure how one of you would move out while you shelter in place, or there may be other complications to consider.
The truth is you don’t need to have it all figured out. All you need to do is speak the truth. The rest will come. Together, you will find a way.
That may seem oversimplified, but for example, when a couple separated precorona, they didn’t know what was next either. The person leaving likely didn’t have a new home chosen. There’s always uncertainty; most of life right now is uncertain, not just your relationship.
Ending your relationship will look different. You will likely go more slowly, take more time to complete, have a more emotionally intimate experience in the breakup. It won’t be a transaction. What if treating it differently during this time changes you both for the better?
— Laurie Davis Edwards, alignment coach and founder of The Worthy One
A: For some, the coronavirus quarantines may simply be accelerating a split that was already in the making. For others, it may be causing one or both members of the couple to reassess priorities.
Whatever the reason for splitting, I’d urge couples who’ve been in a longstanding relationship to hold off on initiating any drastic measures until after the easing of shelter-in-place restrictions. With anxiety and stress elevated for so many of us, removing yet another block from the foundation of a partner’s well-being would be uncaring and callous. It’s a different story entirely if there is abuse happening or if both parties are clearly on the same page and don’t share a residence. A mid-epidemic exit is also excusable if the relationship is a relatively new one and didn’t have much of a chance to blossom before COVID-19 hit.
For the rest of us, particularly those who may feel as though the downtime and introspection opportunities afforded by quarantining have provided new clarity of thought, I advise waiting until life begins to ease back into normal.
Once things do normalize, have the conversation face-to-face. Have it in a quiet, comfortable place where you both can share your feelings. Have your say, and do lots of listening too.
If you are requesting a divorce and you share children, that adds further urgency to holding the conversation with delicacy and respect.
If you share a residence (whether as a married couple or live-in partners), you will need to figure out living arrangements as you work out your parting. Definitely not something you want to be doing in the midst of a pandemic.
Though the decision may be a painful one, patience and civility will ease the path to new chapters in both of your lives — ones that will be written with each of you standing way more than 6 feet apart.
— Thomas P. Farley, etiquette expert
Q: During shelter in place, you’ve received a lot of chain letters and Zoom invites. You don’t want to participate, so should you decline the invite or just ignore it?
A: As someone who received no fewer than four quarantine recipe exchange emails in two days, I can certainly relate. They all say exactly the same thing, word for word, telling the recipient to forward this on to 20 (!) people and even putting a deadline on it of five days. If I’m being honest, it’s a pretty pushy chain email!
The truth is, I don’t find these types of chain emails a must-respond for any of us. These name-swapping form emails are so far from personal emails or letters that deserve a sincere response that you shouldn’t feel guilty if you decide not to participate. Not to mention 80 of your closest friends will likely thank you for not adding them to the chain.
If you are truly interested in participating, it’s best to first reach out to the friends you intend to include and ask them if they want to participate. That is truly the most considerate way to go about it. That way, they have the option to decline instead of feeling guilty about “breaking the chain.”
Zoom calls, however, require a different approach because they are more personal in nature. When hosts send invites hoping to see your face and hear your voice on the line, they deserve a proper yes or no response. Etiquette doesn’t dictate that you have to give a reason for declining, though. A simple, “Thank you for thinking of me. I’m so sorry I’m unable to make it this time,” will do!
— Courtney Fadler, etiquette expert and owner of Courtney Fadler Etiquette
A: I am amazed by extroverts. The way they have grafted cocktail parties and board game nights into a government-mandated social stasis astounds me. Last weekend I was invited to a Zoom dance party where attendees equipped with headphones listened to raucous music and privately yet publicly jammed out at their webcams. While I’m tickled by the innovation of these digital gatherings, they don’t scratch the same itch for me as bona fide, in-the-flesh contact.
We’ve all experienced some of the petrifying effects of shelter in place. And if you don’t have the energy to attend a cocktail hour where we all have to take turns speaking, sipping drinks crafted from the dregs of our pantries, occasionally switching to virtual palm tree backgrounds in half-hearted attempts to be silly, just send a 3-second text to decline. A lightweight “I’m not feeling up to that right now, but please have fun!” communicates that you still appreciate them thinking of you. Even just a dependent clause or two expresses that you would if you could, but today, you quaran-can’t.
As for the myriad social media challenges circulating like the time-honored “send this to 10 people or your grandmother will fall in a bottomless pit,” please feel empowered to swipe them away, or respond with brevity. If the trauma of COVID-19 has you feeling like a piece of gum stuck to a sidewalk, that’s OK. You have no obligation to bake a cake, take a shot, or re-create a TikTok dance, no matter how many times you’re tagged in someone’s story.
— Jack Disselhorst, actor and writer
Q: What should you talk to your Tinder match about while in quarantine?
A: Of course you’re most likely going to talk about the coronavirus, but don’t make your whole conversation about it. Talk about things you would’ve talked about before the quarantine! What are your usual social activities and hobbies? What usually keeps you busy? What kind of things are you currently doing to occupy your time? All of these things are great ways to find out who your matches actually are.
It would be real easy to take the conversation to a negative place with so much uncertainty going on in the world. While there is a lot to complain, worry and stress about right now, think of your conversations as an escape from the coronavirus heaviness. Talk about what you look forward to doing post-quarantine. You could even talk about how you’re using this time to dive into new creative projects or learn new dance moves via TikTok. Be real, but do your best to encourage lighthearted banter as well.
Don’t share everything about yourself as soon as you match. If we are to be social distancing for months, you want to keep each other interested and eager to talk again. Think about setting a time limit for messaging/chatting/FaceTiming. You might have a lot of time on your hands right now, but that doesn’t mean that you give all of your time to one virtual crush. Take your time and enjoy getting to know new people. It will make it that much sweeter when you get to meet each other face to face.
— Erin Tillman, dating coach and author of “The Consent Guidebook”
A: Although being quarantined doesn’t make your dating life any easier, the one advantage is having the opportunity to truly get to know other people on a deeper level. You want to have conversations about the topics that matter to you in everyday life, so that when our lives go back to normal, you have a good sense of who your Tinder matches are, what their lives are like and if you could potentially see yourself dating.
A great topic to start with is discussing what is most important to you, your interests and what you are passionate about.
Your conversation should have a nice balance between topics like your pet peeves, something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t yet done and your biggest fear, and also lighter topics like your most embarrassing moment, what your favorite food is and your favorite Netflix shows.
Be sure to bring up topics that are most important and relevant to you and your life. For example, if you have a dog, be sure that the person you’re talking to likes dogs. If you work out six days a week, be sure to ask if fitness is important to the other person.
People show you who they are with their responses. Pay attention to what people are saying and how they’re making you feel during your communication. Do you hear any red flags? Is the person holding your attention? Do you have things in common? Take this time now to evaluate your feelings and determine whether it’s worth continuing to invest time and energy in this person.
— Diana Mandell, dating and relationship expert
Q: You live with your partner but want to quarantine separately (inside or outside of your home). How should you tell your partner this?
A: Fourteen days of home quarantine can make your soul mate feel like a cellmate. Adequate space apart is even more important to a couple’s happiness than having a good sex life, according to one study. If you’re convinced that you want to ride out ‘rona solo, here are a couple of options on how to tell your mate.
You could simply tell your mate that you’ve been exposed by someone who has tested positive and that to lovingly, selflessly protect your mate, you intend to quarantine apart. This speech can be as dramatic as a scene from “Gone With the Wind” or stated matter-of-factly.
Or you could be transparent without being harsh. Reassure your mate of your love and say that you don’t want to mess that up. Assure your mate that missing each other and having time for yourselves would best feed the love you have for each other.
No matter what, speak with compassion, and listen to learn. Create a loosely structured plan for how things could go. The plan should include couple time, “me time,” work projects, money issues, health considerations and personal accountability. Offer to work with your mate on the plan, and to set reasonable expectations. If you have kids, disregard this article. You’re stuck as one, so go pull your weight.
— Love McPherson, relationship expert and author of “Why Singles Are Still Single”
A: I recommend you approach this as you would any conflict: by creating a relationship agreement. First, reassure your partner. Even if you want to quarantine separately because your partner is eating all of the snacks or is making you feel suffocated, you want to remind your partner that you still want the relationship. Remember to be direct, request what you need and say why you need it. Also, follow up with more reassurance, so that your partner doesn’t feel that your wanting to quarantine separately means you want to separate.
So your talk should sound something like this: “John, you know I love you, and all of this talk about social distancing and staying home to stay safe makes me realize how bad I’d feel if you were to get the virus because of me. That’s why I want to quarantine separately. I’ll stay upstairs, and you can go to your man cave. I need to know that we’re both taking this seriously. What do you think about how I feel? I really appreciate how you always put our relationship first.”
Be ready and willing to negotiate the terms of this agreement, which means you have to be clear about what you can say yes to (you taking the basement, or grocery shopping and meal prep before you separate) and what your hard no’s are (no hooking up with other people, virtually or otherwise). And make sure you understand your partner may have a strong emotional reaction to your idea of being apart from you right now.
This pandemic is stressful in and of itself. Add job changes, working from home, general boredom, anxiety about catching the virus, and you have a recipe for a make-or-break moment. Be gentle but clear, and you should be able to figure out a solution that both of you can accept.
— Dr. Aesha Adams-Roberts, dating coach and relationship expert
Q: How do you ask your roommate to stay away from you while quarantined due to the coronavirus?
A: Because of this pandemic, social norms, routines and expectations have changed from what was originally agreed upon when you moved in together. For many people, working from home is the new norm, and in many households, two to three people are now under the same roof doing what they normally would have done separately in their own office spaces.
For this reason, having “process”-oriented conversations instead of just “content” conversations is necessary. “Content” refers to what is being talked about, and “process” means how you are talking about it. Instead of just focusing on the changes in routines and schedules, focusing on how these changes can be implemented is productive and impactful.
I would hope the use of shared spaces (i.e. bathroom, kitchen, living room) is already respectful regardless of COVID-19, but tidiness, cleanliness and timeliness may need to be discussed and renegotiated based on each roommate’s comfort levels.
Finally, it is a common narrative that the increase in time together under one space leads to dysfunction. Taking this opportunity to increase closeness is essential. Instead of focusing on how to not drive each other crazy, I would encourage roommates to look for ways each of you can spark joy and have productive time together. Knowing what we don’t want from others does not always translate into what we do want.
A: Sometimes, people differ on what precautions they’re willing to take for their physical and mental health. Roommates, like it or not, are in this thing together, and it’s best to clear this up before people become uncomfortable in their own living space.
I have two roommates; all of us are artists and, now, un- or under-employed. This has taken some adjustment, as part of our living arrangement has been that all of us would be constantly on the go between gigs and social engagements. Space has become a premium like never before! But by being direct without being rude, we’ve been able to address topics like having guests over, shared working areas, increased chores/groceries, etc.
It may not be fun, it may even be awkward, but you can’t let things just be “business as usual,” hoping that people agree with you on every boundary and guideline without any discussion. You are well within your rights to say, “We are in the middle of a pandemic, and however much I’d like to, I can no longer share space with you.” After all, there’s nothing usual about the current state of affairs! Just don’t be passive-aggressive — that’s a whole other can of worms, believe me.
— Spencer Ryan Diedrick, theater director and administrator
Q: How should you tell a family member to postpone a planned gathering like a first birthday party or a confirmation due to the coronavirus?
A: Nobody likes to be told what to do. We all like to be self-directed. The person who has the authority to cancel a family event is the person hosting. If you are a relative and are concerned about the event breaching the social distancing or other recommendations made by a health agency or government, you can let the host know that you feel it is a bad idea and share your concerns for the well-being of others. Recommending ideas and sharing one’s opinion are different from barking orders and instructing someone to cancel an event.
You might consider forwarding current recommendations from credentialed health agencies about protocols in your area for gatherings as the rationale for why you feel the event should be rescheduled.
Remember to share the positive aspects of why moving the date would be helpful, even if only to reduce the fears of your guests, or to eliminate how badly some friends and family members will feel for letting you down, or how they’ll feel about missing the celebration. It’s more inclusive if you delay until all can attend.
Money may play a factor. If the host can’t get a refund for a room rental or other expenses, you may want to pass the hat or be generous and help out. The event may end up being later, smaller or virtual, and while that is not what the host had expected, planned or dreamed of, if you keep a positive attitude, you can bet everyone will remember the year that the coronavirus messed up the party planning but it couldn’t stop you from having fun eventually with lifelong stories later!
— Alyson Schafer, family counselor, parenting expert and author of “Honey, I Wrecked the Kids”
A: Given how fast the COVID-19 virus is spreading, you are wise to practice social distancing to quell the virus. Social distancing essentially means staying away from others to avoid catching or spreading the disease.
Because of the seriousness of the virus, you may be tempted to tell others how they should behave during this health crisis. However, it is never our place to tell family members or anyone else what they should or shouldn’t do unless you are asked for your advice.
If your relative is intent on holding a planned gathering while the virus is still spreading, simply decline the invitation. Explain you are concerned about catching or spreading the coronavirus and feel it best you don’t attend. If the host is a close family member, such as a son or daughter, you could share your concern that invited guests may feel uncomfortable attending while the virus is active and it might be best to postpone.
Ultimately, it is up to the hosts to decide if they want to take the risk and for the invited guests to determine if they are comfortable attending the event or not. If enough invitees decline the invitation, the host will need to postpone the celebration.
— Arden Clise, etiquette expert and author of “Spinach in Your Boss’s Teeth: Etiquette Essentials for Professional Success”
Q: How should you tell people you don’t want to shake hands or have other physical contact because of coronavirus?
A: Misery does not love company. With more questions than answers, the world is feeling the effects of the coronavirus. But whether it’s this new disease or the common cold, always be considerate when you’re in public spaces. A handshake is risky business, so lead by example.
At this stage of the disease, reduction of any physical contact is recommended, thus the handshake has been replaced by germ-free gestures. Some acceptable germ free gestures to use instead of shaking hands are: an air kiss, royal wave or a namaste greeting. (Apparently, elbow bumps are now out.)
Although the handshake is a natural physical greeting, COVID-19 is a perfect example of how etiquette is evolving. It’s almost impossible not to have physical contact when greeting someone, and up until a couple of months ago, the handshake was an accepted form of communication. Not anymore. The handshake is on hold for what could be an indefinite period of time.
Here are four ways to tell someone you’re not comfortable with physical contact or shaking hands without being offensive:
1. I’m happy about not spreading any germs that I might have and doing my small part in shutting down this person-to-person disease.
2. I recently got over a cold and still don’t feel comfortable with physical greetings.
3. It’s odd not shaking hands, but because everyone else is avoiding it, it feels like the new normal.
4. It feels funny to refuse someone’s hand, but at least there’s a medically acceptable reason for it.
— Lisa Grotts, the “Golden Rules Gal” and etiquette expert
A: As a stand-up comedian who shakes hands and shares microphones with dozens of people a week, and as a woman who has spent a lifetime trying to avoid unwanted contact from strangers, here are some tips:
Be honest. Everyone is up to date on how quickly this virus is spreading. Simply telling people, “I’m trying to keep my hands to myself for the next few weeks” or “I just washed my hands” should be enough for anyone who has read the news in the last month. If that doesn’t work, just start coughing wildly, and watch the good folks scatter.
Initiate a no-touch alternative to shaking hands with an air five, bro nod or simple, unflinching eye contact for 10 to 15 whole seconds. The last one will help you avoid that person indefinitely.
Ask your boss to send out a memo requesting that everyone be aware of body boundaries, and that unless people explicitly ask you to touch them, you shouldn’t. This step is also known as: The Section in Your Employee Handbook About Harassment.
Please also keep in mind the importance of staying at home if you’re feeling sick, cleaning “high touch” surfaces frequently, and washing your hands throughout the day. Hand washing should be done for about the length of time it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” twice. If it’s your actual birthday, throw in an extra round for yourself.
— Alex Kumin, comedian and writer
