Hi Damon: I recently married my wonderful Eastern European husband and have been spending the past few summers in his home country. I’m a frequent guest at family gatherings, where I’m greeted with boundless warmth and hospitality.
Do I need to get over myself as a self-involved, unappreciative American? Accept this as part of my international marriage? Or do I have any recourse to assert my own needs in these situations?
— Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed: Navigating the etiquette ecosystem of a family you’ve married into can be tricky. Especially when that family has distinct cultural mores than what you’ve experienced, so I understand your hesitation to be clear and absolute about your dietary considerations. But I think — and, honestly, this feels like the answer to half of the questions advice columnists receive — your best option here is to tell them exactly what you just told me.
“I greatly appreciate the warmth, hospitality and love you’ve given me, and I’m honored that you’ve accepted me as your own. But the quantities of food you ask me to eat are having a negative impact on my physical and mental health, and I ask that you please respect my wishes when I’ve had enough.”
We have so much access now to different methods of person-to-person communication that I don’t know if our brains have evolved enough to handle it. Unfortunately, this access has created a paradoxical dynamic where its easy to connect but feels harder to actually communicate. I think you already knew the answer to this question, and you already had the words to articulate your extremely valid feelings. (We forget sometimes how intimate the decisions we make about food are, and how much of a violation food pressure can be.) And I think what’s getting in the way of expressing your feelings to your in-laws, and staying firm, is a lack of practice. Which is something many of us are guilty of, myself included. If I had a dollar for every time I let something anxiety-inducing slide because sharing my true feelings induced … more anxiety, I’d be writing this column for free because I wouldn’t need the money!
Anyway, before addressing your in-laws, start this “practice” with your husband. He needs to either be the buffer communicating your feelings to the family, or he should have your back if you’re the one speaking up, and you need to tell him that. How long are you both willing to let this continue? Five years? Ten? Thirty? What’s the point in even being married if you can’t be a united front against something that bothers you both?
You risk offending some of his family, and that won’t be fun. But, while I (obviously) have no idea how they’d react, I think sometimes we construct a behemoth in our heads, overestimating how “offensive” an uncomfortable conversation actually will be. I strongly doubt they’re going to poison your meatloaf, toss you out of the house by your belt loops, and write the embassy to revoke your passport. You might even earn their respect, eventually, for standing up for yourself. Maybe an aunt might call you an unkind nickname behind your back, but I think you’d rather have that than a panic attack.
