Dear Dr. June: I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 6 years. He ignored me, called me names, and I did basically everything in the relationship except pay bills. He held that over me too.
I got out and went to therapy and didn’t date for two years. Now I’m back on the dating scene and met a really nice guy out of a few I went on dates with. Now we’re in a relationship but he doesn’t court me. I mentioned it and he changed for a few weeks, but now he’s back to the same. He doesn’t ignore me or say mean things but I plan everything and he’s not active in the relationship.
It frightens me because I’d like to be courted. Am I overreacting because of my previous relationship? Signed, Doubling Down
Dear Doubling: Kudos to you for getting out and getting professional support. Many don’t realize that emotional abuse lingers more than the scars of the physical. Clients have shared that even if you still see the bruises, it’s the repeated negative words of worthlessness that become embedded in your mind. Getting out and finding your worth again is pivotal to achieving emotional and mental wellness. You have done the work. Be proud of yourself and move forward with a stronger mindset.
Now are you overreacting to your current relationship situation? Yes and no. What has happened in the past can rear its ugly head to cause you to overthink things. That’s not uncommon. No, because you want better, but remember there is a give and take in all relationships.
So, here’s the deal. He’s probably a nice guy and you like that he is not aggressive. Now you have to answer the question: Can I accept being the one who is the planner, or do I want to move on with someone else who does more of the courting?
Time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation with your man to express your wants and hopes in the relationship. He may share that’s not his strength and you can collaborate on ways to make it work … or not.
You’re stronger now and in the driver’s seat. Don’t let your past overtake you. That’s not fair to someone who is good to you. On the flip side, don’t settle for something that makes you still feel less than. I’m trusting you’ll make the best decision to do what’s best for you.
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Email Dr. June Hall at drjuneaptacious@gmail.com and subscribe to her YouTube “Cooking up Advice.” For more information about Dr. June visit www.drjunehall.com or follow her on Instagram @aptacious.
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