WE ALL REMEMBER THE infamous scene from When Harry Met Sally, where Meg Ryan fakes having an orgasm to prove to Billy Crystal that men have absolutely zero clue when a woman’s faking it.
But it turns out women aren’t the only ones fooling their partners by faking orgasms. The sexual wellness brand Hims recently surveyed over 5,000 participants between the ages of 18 and 65 about their sexual habits, and released the data in their Let’s Talk About Sex: The 2022 Report. The results revealed that 39% of men say they fake orgasms from time to time. Gen Z and Millennial men fake it the most, with 45% admitting to the occasional act.
When you're wearing a condom, it’s not particularly hard to fake an orgasm. While it might seem easier in the moment to fake it than to have a conversation with your partner about why you can’t finish, wouldn’t it be better if you could find a way to orgasm? Of course, sex isn’t all about orgasm, and you can have an incredible sexual experience without ever ejaculating, but it’s fair to say that many of us would choose to orgasm rather than not.
So, to learn how to increase the likelihood of orgasming during sex, we reached out to a few experts, including Playground’s Chief Sexologist, Emily Morse, Ph.D. We also spoke to Sophie Saint Thomas, a sex educator for Momentum Intimacy and author of Sex Witch, along with Susie Gronski PT, DPT, and Medical Advisor at Aeroflow Urology.
Let’s start from the beginning. Why do men fake orgasms during sex?
“Men fake orgasms for the same reason any gender fakes an orgasm; they know it's just not in the cards this time, but they don't want to give their partner the impression that they're not having a good time,” Saint Thomas says. For many men, it seems easier to fake an orgasm than to address the issue and have a conversation with their partner.
What inhibits men from having an orgasm?
An inability to orgasm can be caused by countless things, “including medications that make orgasm more challenging, sexual trauma, or having jerked off too recently,” Saint Thomas says.
Gronski adds that intoxication may make orgasm difficult, being too tired or not in the mood, a loss of interest or distraction during sex, pain or soreness during sex, and avoiding orgasm due to fear of pregnancy (i.e., condom breaking).
All of this is to say, sex (and orgasming) is nerve-wracking. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to come—sometimes, our partners add to this pressure, too—and do you know what’s not helpful when trying to orgasm? PRESSURE!
So, how do you increase the likelihood of having an orgasm?
Let your partner know you sometimes struggle to climax.
Being honest upfront prevents your partner from making assumptions (e.g., Is there something wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Is he not attracted to me?) and allows both of you to be on the same page for your sexual scenario. “When you manage your expectations up front, there’s less urge for you to feel the need to fake an orgasm and lessens the pressure to perform.” Gronski says. “Without this tension dictating your sexual experience, you can relax and enjoy all that the sexual experience has to offer,” and that actually makes you more likely to orgasm because you’re removing pressure and expectations!
Saint Thomas recommends that you don’t make a big deal of it. “You can simply say before sex, ‘By the way, I'm on antidepressants, so if it's harder for me to cum know it's not you, you're the hottest person I've been with.’"
Also you don’t need to have a “reason” like antidepressants. You can also say, “I’m a little overwhelmed by how beautiful you are, so I may not be able to orgasm. Know it’s because I find you so attractive,” or “It’s because I have a little crush on you!” Something cutesy like that. “Flattery will get you everywhere,” Saint Thomas jokes.
Consider abstaining from porn and masturbation the days leading up to sex.
The word “consider” is no accident, as Gronski notes this might be helpful for some men, whereas it might not help others.
“Some people prefer abstaining from masturbation and or porn because they feel it helps them build their sexual desire in anticipation of having a partnered sexual experience,” she says. “Oftentimes, they’ll have erotic thoughts throughout the day, fantasize and build up the sexual scenario so that when the opportunity arises, they’re sexually charged up, making it easier to orgasm.”
She continues, “For others, abstaining from masturbation, porn, or other sexually relevant triggers might lead them to further disconnect from their sexual appetite or desire making orgasm more difficult.”
So experiment with it and see if abstaining helps you orgasm during sex or not!
How do you increase sensitivity with a condom?
It’s no secret that condoms reduce sensitivity by adding a barrier between you and your partner. Nevertheless, you should still use them with hook-ups, one-night stands, etc., because of unwanted pregnancy and STIs (sexually transmitted infections).
Now to increase sensitivity, first, you’ll want to use the thinnest condoms on the market. You may have to shell out some extra dough for them, but it’s worth the cost. In June of 2022, Trojan released their Bareskin Raw condoms, the thinnest condoms in America. Reviews for them have been incredible—a lot of “feeling like there’s nothing there” comments. (I actually tried them and had to keep checking to make sure it was still on because I was convinced it fell off, though it never did.) In addition to Trojan, a new condom player in town makes thin, vegan condoms: P.S. Condoms. Their condoms are 40% thinner than the average condom.
Second, you’ll want to use copious amounts of lube. Of course, you want to apply it on the condom and directly onto your partner’s vagina/anus, but additionally, “I always recommend placing a couple of drops of water-based lube inside the condom itself, right at the tip,” Morse says. “This adds additional stimulation and wetness for the head, which is more sensitive than the shaft.”
There are so many lubes to choose from, so I’m going to go ahead and drop Men’s Health's recommendations for the best water-based lubes (which are typically better for vaginal sex), and also our anal lube recommendations. The key here is the wetter, the better. There’s no such thing as too much lube.
Don’t focus on vaginal or anal penetration.
In the Let’s Talk About Sex Report, more than one-quarter of men (28%) said it’s difficult or impossible for them to orgasm during penetrative sex. If you fall into this category, Saint Thomas recommends “engaging in other activities, such as oral sex, hand jobs, or nipple play.” She adds that “BDSM activities, such as impact play, are an excellent way to increase arousal and build-up, therefore upping the likelihood of orgasm.”
It’s also helpful to remember that most vulva-owners can’t orgasm through penetration alone, so there’s a decent chance they’ll want to do something besides penetrative sex to climax. “Mutual masturbation is a great way for couples to not only make sure everyone feels good but also learn how their partner pleases themselves solo,” Morse says. “Mutual masturbation can involve touching each other simultaneously or touching yourself side-by-side. Or you could use your favorite masturbation technique on yourself while your partner stimulates other erogenous zones: your neck, thighs, and anus.”
While mutually masturbating, you could also watch porn together. Many folks are reticent to bring porn into the bedroom because they want the focus to be on them, or it makes them feel insecure and not good enough, but it has nothing to do with that. Sometimes, we just need additional visual stimulation to get off!
Whip out sex toys!
The hims and hers report noted that 30% of the men surveyed said they have difficulty reaching orgasm without the help of a sex toy (or masturbation). So let’s bring on the sex toys. “Sex toys are such an easy way to increase the likelihood of orgasms,” Saint Thomas says. Whip out the butt plugs, anal beads, male masturbators, and vibrators. Morse recommends using a vibrating cock ring during sex, which may actually increase the likelihood of having an orgasm during penetration.
Get your booty involved.
It’s 2022, but now we know that enjoying anal stimulation on yourself doesn’t make you gay or bisexual. It’s all about anatomy. If you have a dick, you have a walnut-shaped gland accessible through the anus. This bad boy is called the prostate. “It’s incredibly sensitive and can facilitate its own deep orgasm, with or without an erection,” Morse says.
Gronski provided some tips if you’ve never done anal play:
- Start small in size and go slow. Give your booty time to adapt to the difference in stretch, pressure, and friction to avoid experiencing discomfort or pain.
- Use lots of lube with anal play!
- Use your finger(s), mouth, and tongue.
- Explore with vibrating toys around/in the anus.
- Explore anal play on your own first to explore what kind of anal play/touch feels good for you. This will help you better communicate to your partner what touch feels pleasurable when you’re together.
- Move your body on your partner’s finger or toy to give you more control and pleasure.
For more tips on anal play, check out our Beginner’s Guide to Bottoming.
What if you still can’t orgasm?
You may do everything listed here, and you still can’t orgasm. That happens! Our penises don’t always work the way we want them to. Instead of faking an orgasm, Saint Thomas recommends that you say something like, “I could go all night with you, but I think you've worn me out. Can we cuddle?”
If, after cuddling, your partner asks if you’re going to cum or want to cum, you can simply say you had a blast but are exhausted and don’t think an orgasm is in the cards tonight. If you’re feeling particularly cheeky, you can say, “It just means I’m going to have to see you again.”
What we’re trying to convey is that it doesn’t have to be this big ordeal if you can’t orgasm. You don’t need to lie about it, and there are simple ways to convey to your partner that you had an incredible time despite not orgasming. Remember, orgasm is the end-all, be-all of sex. And obviously, obviously, sex is still incredible even when you don’t orgasm!
It’s even better when you don’t lie.
