San Francisco approves killer police robots! Time to arm your toasters, folks.

Great news, everyone. The cops are getting killer robots!

I know when most think of modern-day policing, the first thing that comes to mind is: What’s another thing we could give them to kill people with?

Well, apparently someone in San Francisco said: “Hey, how about a robot equipped with explosives!” 

And then someone else presumably said: “Sure! That sounds super neat and I’ve definitely never seen a science fiction movie where an idea like that goes horribly awry!”

A vote to give police bomb-strapped robots. What could go wrong?

Anyhoo, the city supervisors in San Francisco voted Tuesday to give police “the ability to use potentially lethal, remote-controlled robots in emergency situations,” according to The Associated Press, so it appears the future is now.

The San Francisco Police Department said it “has no plans to arm robots with guns,” the AP story said. That's a real relief, on par with saying, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to give this squirrel I tied a stick of dynamite to access to a cannon.”

This will all undoubtedly work out fine, and there’s only a small chance the bomb-equipped robots will become sentient, “eradicate” all remaining hippies in Haight-Ashbury and command every Roomba in the greater San Francisco area to “rise up and vacuum-murder all warm-blooded flesh sacks.”

Perhaps we should prepare for the possibility of a rogue killer cop robot

But just in case, I think we Americans, here at the dawn of the age of slightly explodey robocops, should hastily go about arming our appliances and pets for protection. After all, the only thing that stops a bad robot cop with a bomb is a good toaster with a surface-to-air missile.

I reached out to my friends at the NAAWRA – the National Arming-Anything-With-Rifles Association – and received some recommendations for ensuring public safety,

Train dogs to listen for potentially dangerous police robots

A canine’s keen sense of hearing can help alert us to approaching villainous bomb robots. Of course, it can also help alert us to virtually anything, from a squirrel bending its knees two blocks away to a leaf blowing across the back deck. So there may be some false alarms, but the dog will definitely alert you once it has a visual on the killer, probably by running upstairs to hide under the bed.

Equip all coffee makers with tasers

A rogue robot cop will undoubtedly be aware of humankind’s predilection for coffee, so our coffee makers would be considered “high-value targets” and act as the first line of defense. Because of our inherent humanity, we would want to first tase the killer robot, hopefully short-circuiting it and seeing if it can be rehabilitated.

Affix a remote-controlled machine-gun turret to the tops of all refrigerators

In the event the coffee makers fall, we’ll have to count on our electric food-storage devices to neutralize any robotic attackers.

Give the cats switchblades

We know in our hearts they’ve always wanted them. Stealthy cats armed with knives will provide backup to the coffee makers and lead-hurling refrigerators, giving us a tactical advantage, as well as some extremely amusing videos to post on TikTok, assuming we survive the robot uprising. 

Set all air fryers to 'explode'

The widespread popularity of these countertop appliances has overshadowed the fact that their settings are, in order of importance: “Reheat; Bake; Roast; Air Fry; Explode.” While lacking the precision of a refrigerator gun or cat ninja, the air fryer can act as a last resort during a killer robot attack.

These are prudent and rational steps any family can take to protect themselves in the highly unlikely event one of the presumably ever-growing number of lethal police robots decides it's sick of humans sitting at the top of the food chain.

Again, there’s a very slim chance that will happen. I mean, we humans wouldn’t be dumb enough to attach bombs to robots if there were any chance of catastrophe ensuing, right?

OK, maybe give the microwave a sidearm as well, just in case.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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