Cancer hurts like hell but breathing (yes breathing) is helping me cope
I was overcome with intense emotion, tears streaming down my face in a breathing class
LIVING with cancer is exhausting - really exhausting.
It wipes me out, physically and mentally. It knocks me for six, leaving me feeling like I've been run over.
Cancer is the rollercoaster you can't get off
It's the never-ending rollercoaster of treatment, pain, loss of strength... not to mention the mental struggles.
In the space of a week I go from bursting with energy to wondering if I can get up in the morning.
I want to get off this cancer rollercoaster, I hate it. But I can't, there's no choice.
And it's that lack of choice, the constant ups and downs that makes it all feel so overwhelming.
I feel like I spend my life holding my breath, waiting for the next bit of bad news.
I am plagued by thinking I'm one scan away from the beginning of the end.
I wobble on a daily basis, I am sure most people with metastatic cancer do.
Act strong and carry on
But, my answer to it all has always been to keep busy and carry on.
I shy away from any situation that leaves me alone with my thoughts.
Why? Because with too much time to think, I'm scared of where my mind will take me.
It felt like years of hysterical emotions building up an as the tears came, they poured down my face
I go to places I don't want to be.
I think that by appearing "strong" and holding it together for my family and friends, I can reassure them and stop them worrying about me.
I try to tell other people it will all be OK, acting as though I am OK.
I thought my strategy of avoiding it all was working.
But, all it does is fuel my anxiety and results in major meltdowns on a fairly regular basis.
Time to ask for help
This week I realised it is time to stop, and ask for help - and I found it in the most unlikely of places.
I decided to take myself off to reset, to give myself a chance to take some time out to reflect.
I did some exercise - and amazed myself at what a cancer-battered body can do.
But the thing that most surprised me was the power of breathing.
We all breathe, all the time, without thinking - it's literally what keeps us alive.
Deep breaths and floods of tears
I took a breathing class, and I quickly learned I never really breathe. Not properly.
I learned how to open my lungs, really take a deep breath and in doing so I reached a new level of relaxation and calm.
I was overcome with intense emotion.
It felt like years of hysterical emotions building up an as the tears came, they poured down my face.
And I felt a huge sense of relief at letting it all out, all that worry, and pain, and fear.
THINGS CANCER MADE ME SAY
It helped me clear a small space in my cancer-infested mind, and help me realise it's OK to struggle.
Now I've acknowledged it, it feels like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
It's a weight I know will return, it's inevitable - it's part of that rollercoaster ride.
But, now I really do know that with a few deep breaths, I can get a new perspective on living with cancer.