Dear Lucas: Every spring, my neighbor across the street refuses to cut their lawn because apparently, it’s good for bees and butterflies and other winged creatures. That’s a nice gesture, but what about the other people who have to live next to this? Are we supposed to see our property values go down because some tree-hugger cares more about bugs than people?
Dear Reader: You didn’t say there were voices in your head, and you didn’t have to. The voices are right, and you should listen to them.
Your neighbor is not actually a hippie. She’s not even a human. Your “hippie” neighbor is a bug in a human body that is slowly trying to erode your quaint livelihood by upending the most fundamental norms of civilized society.
Your neighbor is correct that lawns are bad for wildlife, pollinators and the general balance of our ecosystem. That’s why your neighbor is trying to terraform your suburban paradise into a mosquito-ridden hellscape.
While the voices have correctly assessed your neighbor as a bug, law enforcement and the court system are unlikely to agree, so it’s unwise to harm their person or property.
You need to foster an environment for your own favorite kind of inconvenient wildlife. Preferably something that eats bugs, like a lizard or an unreasonable amount of frogs.
This will likely involve digging holes and letting them fill up with water, adding reedy plants and maybe some nice stones or something to round out your little pond.
When your neighbor gets tired of her precious bugs getting gobbled up by apex predators and decides to have a word with you, just tell her that you were inspired by the example she set, and you were just doing your part to protect the local amphibian wildlife.
As you explain this to her, turn on your phone’s flashlight and shine it in her eyes. If she gravitates toward it like a moth to a porch light, then she’s definitely a bug. If not, then all of this was a horrible mistake, and you never should have listened to the voices in the first place.
Previous questions
Ask Lucas: The geese have taken over my back yard and I can’t go outside without getting attacked
Ask Lucas: My neighbors have trained the local geese to attack me
Ask Lucas: I caught my son with Zyns. What should I do?
Ask Lucas: What do I do about my neighbor’s barking dogs?
Ask Lucas: My family and friends shun me because of my vegan diet
Look at this handsome fella. His name is Lucas and he will be writing more columns like this, despite common sense saying this should stop while he’s ahead. If you want to send hate mail or, for some reason, ask for his advice, please send an email to ldaprile@cleveland.com.