Roy Exum: The Saturday Funnies

With the United States suffering mightily from the coronavirus, the days of gentlemanly kindness now long gone in Washington, and Democratic governors and mayors relishing the power of “Shelter in Place” that has resulted in actual death threats (!) never have we as a people needed to pray more desperately for the flood of good people who are enlisting by droves into “The Legion of the Miserable.” Witness the Mayor of Atlanta, Keisha Lance Bottoms, who is in no way involved in the tragic and nauseating death of Ahmaud Arbery. Mayor Bottoms’ turf is Atlanta proper, but she seeks to stir a racial storm over a heinous act that happened 240 miles away. Clearly it was the mayor’s chance to feather her nest.

People are as tired of hatred and rancor as they are of the COVID-19 pandemic, but in the midst of a vicious war of words between conservatives and liberals, Mayor Bottoms heard her name was rumored as a possible running mate for Joe Biden so she needed some spotlight fast. The Arbery shooting was only a minor matter at a press conference where she blamed the Trump White House for the death of Arbery, using the tired and tattered race card and that golden word “lynching.” 

So then what? Yesterday five leading advocates for people living with HIV/AIDS in Georgia sent the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development a statement accusing Bottoms’ administration of malfeasance, negligence, and unethical behavior resulting in potentially lost lives. Her reaction, “If somebody else wants to take over, it’s fine with me.”

Great goodness, has there ever been a day when we needed The Saturday Funnies as badly? As you may easily suspect, the Funnies are gleaned from emails that other lovers of giggles are kind enough to share during the week. 

Please can’t we have just one day to laugh? Here we go:

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SOME OF THE BEST CORONAVIRUS ONE-LINERS

Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now."

I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world.  I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again.  And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair, and get used to not drinking at 9 a.m.

New monthly budget: Gas $0, Entertainment $0, Clothes $0, Groceries $2,799.

Breaking News:  Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended.  Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now.  We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day.  I have been training for this moment my entire life!

When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.

I stepped on my scale this morning.  It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."

Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over six weeks.

It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home-school one.

I wanted zombies and anarchy.  Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.  
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.

You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days.

They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.

Day 37:  The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?"  Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed.  When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.

Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

Home-school Day 1:  I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl. 

Okay, the schools are closed.  So, do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?

For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family, or will they relocate some of  us?  Asking for myself.

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs.  We wander around the house looking for food.  We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.

The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ...

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ONLY SENIORS THE FIRST HOUR AT THE GROCERY

I was in a long line at 7:45 a.m. today at the grocery store that opened at 8 a.m. for seniors only.  A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."  

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HERE ARE SOME MORE COVID-19 OBSERVATIONS

I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.

Ontario has banned groups larger than five. If you’re a family of six, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required.

Happy hour is starting earlier and earlier. If this keeps up, I’ll be pouring wine in my cereal.

Today’s Weather? Room temperature.

Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weeds legal and schools closed ... darn kids are livin’ the dream!

This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a vodka and cranberry.

If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock”, don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.

After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.

Day 8 of social isolation and it’s looking like Vegas in my house:
1. We’re losing money by the minute.
2. Cocktails are acceptable at any hour.
3. Nobody knows what time it is.

To my dismay, this VIRUS is evidently turning me into a liberal : I'm staying at home, not working, complaining about everything -- and waiting for a check from the government.

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‘OH, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!’

Wife and husband are sitting together sipping wine and watching a movie.
The wife suddenly whispers: "I Love You..."
Husband: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Wife: "It's me talking to the wine."

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‘YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT’

A man was out to lunch with his friend one day. The man was explaining to his friend how he had been exploring and studying different methods of healthy eating and its effects on your body. "After all," he said, "you are what you eat."

The man sat down at a table with a salad, a lite vinaigrette dressing, and a small unsweetened green tea, while his friend had a fried chicken sandwich, a large Coke, and fries with some extra salt on the side. As they were about to dig in to their meal, the man realized he didn't grab a fork for his salad. As he was off getting his fork, his friend, playing a prank, dumped some of his extra salt into the man's tea.

The man returned, sat, and took a sip of his tea and gagged instantly, spitting the tea all over the table. Immediately furious, the man snapped "what the heck did you do to my tea?"

The friend answered the question with a question: "Didn't you say that you are what you eat?"

The man's expression shifted from anger to disappointment.

"If so, then this prank must've made you a little salt-tea."

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TOP 'QUICKEST’ COMEBACKS

No. 4 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

No. 3 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

No. 2 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

No. 1 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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THIS WEEK’S BEST VIDEOS

* -- From The Car Guy … Absolutely hysterical.  CLICK HERE

* -- You’ve Got A Friend: Carole King, who today is 78 years old and living in Idaho, cut this tape three years ago. What’s not to love? (Almost 6 million have loved already it!)  Oh, the two guys you’ll see singing backup: the one with the hat is Rudy Guess, her guitarist, musical director and producer. The other artist is Gary Burr, a Nashville-based award-winning songwriter. CLICK HERE

* -- Speaking of friends, my older pals may remember that Burt Bacharach wrote a song called “That’s What Friends Are For” and Rod Stewart cut a successful single in 1982. But three years later, in a benefit for AIDS, Dionne Warwick (today she is 79 years old), Elton John (now age 73), Gladys Knight (of the Pips) (now age 75) and “Little Stevie” Wonder (now age 69) with his fabulous harmonica, made it “The Song of the Year” in 1986 and generated $3 million for AIDS research. Please, this was 35 years ago. Have you ever seen the four of them do it? CLICK HERE