I have a theory about being single. It’s called the ‘Secret Single Tax’. It’s unofficial, invisible, and you can’t ask an accountant to claim it back. But trust me, it’s there. Spending twice as much on a night out because you don’t split the taxi home. Buying two gifts for your brother and his wife at Christmas, but receiving one. Where others save, single folk spend. And this is no truer than at a wedding.
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The ‘Secret Single Tax’ is partly a monetary expense since you can’t split the cost of the wedding gift, or a hotel room, or a babysitter, like a couple can. But at weddings, it plays out in other ways too; the whole experience can be lonelier and more anxiety-inducing. It can feel as though the entire event is reminding you that you’re on your own and, as every song played through the night attests, there’s something significant missing, leaving you incomplete. Even if you’re blissfully single, this isn’t always an easy message to swallow while clapping and cheering on the happy couple.
The first thing to remember is you can survive this day. A friend of mine once recounted watching the newlywed’s first dance when she was single at a wedding and bursting into tears. “I just felt so alone,” she says. Another friend recalled happily dancing solo at a wedding, but then things got tricky. “Everything was fine until a slow song came on and everyone paired up. It was so awkward, I just shuffled off to the side.” Now she laughs, but at the time she was “ready to die”.
It’s not just the dancefloor that can leave you feeling awkward. There are the after-ceremony drinks mingling and the seating plans, which means sitting at a table with people you don’t know. For some, weddings are a Richard Curtis-type movie finale, complete with fairy lights and a dog, but for others, they can be an endurance test without anyone on hand to high-five at the end.
And let’s not forget the guilt. While your head swirls, shouldn’t you be busy being happy for your friend? Why are you complaining? Of course, you want your friend to have nothing but happiness and success with their partner, but perhaps you take issue with the whole concept of weddings — the white ‘virginal’ dress, the father ‘giving away’ his daughter, the sheer cost, a heteronormative ceremony that is at best traditional, and at worse problematic. Instead, you don’t have much choice but to smile until your cheeks ache.
But, before you start inventing wild excuses as to why you can’t attend, take a deep breath and consider the following. The above is the worst-case scenario; you can survive this day — albeit an intense one — with your sense of self-worth intact. So with that in mind, here are six useful tips to going to a wedding alone and having a ball:
1. Consider asking for a plus one
If you had a romantic partner, costs would be covered, so why not a close friend, or even a parent? First and foremost, be tactful. Do it well in advance to allow for planning and mostly be honest about why you’re asking. You want to celebrate this day with the happy couple to the fullest, rather than going for ‘downtime’ breathers in the bathroom. Failing that, if you’re truly attending solo, prime the WhatsApp group chat; your friends will keep the festivities in perspective.
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2. Keep an open mind
See strangers as an opportunity for conversation. Make the most of the day and, since it’s not about you, don’t let it define you. You’re there as a valued part of the couple’s lives; celebrate your friend’s happy union and enjoy the spectacle for what it is. Sometimes it can be nice to stand peacefully on the sidelines.
3. Be prepared
If you’re going to a wedding without a plus one, you will be talking to people you don’t know. It’s not easy entering a room full of strangers, but the great thing about weddings is that every guest will know at least one of the newlyweds, which is your common ground. Start by asking who they know and how; weddings are celebratory, so most people will be in the mood to talk.
4. Dress the part
One of the simplest ways to combat nerves is to feel your best when you leave the house. Want your skin to glow? Treat yourself. Own a glittering eyeshadow that makes you grin? Wear it on the day. Find an outfit that makes you feel truly comfortable in your own skin — both literally and figuratively. Attending a wedding single can amp up the urge to ‘impress’, but it’s more impressive when you feel confident and at ease, not restricted in something that requires regular bathroom adjustments. I wore a silk pyjama-esque suit to wedding solo once, which made me feel wonderfully relaxed, not to mention a little bolder for actually doing it.
5. Do your background work
If you’re worried about who you’ll get stuck next to at the meal, ask for pre-wedding intel. Table seating is generally a high-stakes diplomatic undertaking, planned with military precision to ensure maximum joviality and minimal meltdowns. But if you casually tease out a bit of background ahead of time, such as whose table you'll be on and a little information about neighbouring guests, that way you can feel prepared — maybe there'll be some common-ground to mine.
6. Embrace being solo
Whether you're happily single or otherwise, sometimes a wedding can make others treat you like a sports player who’s eagerly waiting to make it on to the team — watch out for attempts to pair you off with another single wedding guest. Attending a wedding on your own has its benefits: you’ll meet twice as many new people; you won’t have to look after a partner; and you can slip off whenever you want. And when you do get in the taxi home, remember you found the courage to come alone. And that you — and just you — were more than enough.
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