J.A. Bolton | The Ballad of Ol’ Cousin Ben

You know, I’ve found when we look back through our family tree, we can almost always find some interesting characters.

Why, I had a cousin one time whose name was Ben. Seems Ol’ Ben had served in the army during World War II and when he got home, he opened a service station. Along with pumping gas and such, he managed to do a little mechanic work at his small station.

In those days most service stations were located on two-lane main roads that ran through small towns throughout our great nation. When you stopped in, the attendant would ask how much gas you wanted. While the gas was pumping, the attendant would check your oil and wash your windshield. Why, if asked, he would even check the water in your radiator or gauge the air in your tires, all for free!

Seems one day cousin Ben, whom I have to admit was hard of hearing due to the war, had taken a stopped-up radiator off a customer’s car. He had dragged the radiator to the side of the building where the air hose was located and started blowing it out.

Meanwhile, a lady drove up in a right new Cadillac automobile. She got out and was pilfering around inside her car.

Ol’ Ben just thought to himself that the lady was just cleaning out her car.

In a minute or two, the lady asked Ben, “Sir, do you have a restroom I could use?”

Like I said earlier, Ol’ Ben was hard of hearing and still thinking the lady was cleaning out her car, he thought she said, “Do you have a swish broom I could use?”

Ben answered the lady and said, “No ma’am, the last person who borrowed it took it with them, but if’en you will back up here, I’ll blow it out for you!”

Now, Cousin Ben wasn’t a regular church goer because he just couldn’t always make out what the preacher was saying. But, to pacify his wife, he did attend every now and again or on special occasions.

It was on such an occasion that Ben and his wife were sitting on the front pew listening to the preacher. When the preacher got through with his sermon, he said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is we have enough money here in the church to pay off the building fund! The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets!”

Ben stood right up and said, “Preacher, how did you know I had a hole in my pants’ pocket!” Ben’s wife jerked him right down and said, “I think you are losing your mind, Ben.” Ben replied, “You’re probably right woman, ‘cause I’ve been giving you a piece of it every day for forty years.”

One day Ben was talking to a regular customer and they were talking about getting older. Ben said, “Why, just the other day I was looking in the mirror and what I saw just plain ol’ depressed me.” The customer asked, “What did you see Ben?” Ol’ Ben removed his cap and started scratching his head. “Well,” he said, “ I saw a big belly, a bald head, a big red nose, circles under my eyes, varicose veins and my skin looked like leather.” The customer kinda laughed and said, “Yeah that’s a sure sign of getting old. But look on the bright side, at least your eyesight is still good.”

Seems after about forty years of running the station, Ol’ Ben had seen the writing on the wall. A new four-lane had been built diverting the traffic from his station. Not enough local traffic and new regulations put Ben out of business. Ol’ Ben just closed down his station, hung up his tools, and retired.

Folks thought Ben wouldn’t like being retired but Ben took to it as smooth as a baby’s behind. Why his wife asked him the second day after he retired, “Ben, what are you going to do today?” Ben thought for a minute and said, “probably nothing.” She said, “Why, you did that yesterday.” Ben fired right back, “I know, but I didn’t get through.”

Proverbs chapter 17 verse 22: “A merry heart doeth good like medicine, but a broken spirit driest the bones.” I hope you have a merry heart after reading about my cousin Ben and can find the good in your day today.