Do you get stuck in the same relationship patterns?

As we learn from our experiences, the brain forms neural networks to associate bits of information. The information is organized in such a way that we can detect, remember, and build upon that learning.

One of the organizing factors in social learning is emotion. Emotions are a way to tag certain memories so that they can be easily retrieved. For example, if you felt betrayed, you would be able to recall similar experiences that also evoked betrayal. The emotion is the unifying string for similar experiences. Like plugging in a string of holiday lights, the string is the emotion and the lights are various experiences that line-up with that string.

Trauma neural networks can be complex and deep — so deep that people can believe that who they are and who the world is consistent with their trauma network. They may believe that they are not worthy, unlovable, inadequate, out of control, guilty, bad, or endangered. These beliefs are acquired through learned experiences. This is why it is so tricky to change, because if someone learned that they were not good enough, then this would be a self-evident truth.

Based on the experiences that that person had, this may be a logical and reasonable conclusion. How can you argue against someone’s experience? In that person’s reality, others treated them in a certain way and may have even said to them, “you’re no good, or you’re this or that.” So how else would a young developing brain perceive it?

And when people interact with the world through the perception of being not good enough, for example, then they are likely to encounter further experiences reinforcing the same belief.

I call these experiential holograms (like personal virtual reality goggles). One way to understand this is by imagining people are walking around wearing invisible virtual reality goggles that filter interactions with others. The lenses reflect their past experience and past learning. Thus, the goggles act as a filter through which people anticipate, interpret, react, and respond to others. The past is always influencing the person’s thoughts and feelings—with or without anyone else participating.

For example, let’s say someone was invited to a party. While some may think, “Oh that’s great,” others may have a host of thoughts of worry, self-consciousness, inadequacy, or danger. They may generate a whole range of anxieties before ever even going to the party! And if someone somehow does get to the party in spite of those thoughts, how might others approach that person who is full of fear? How likely will that person have fun if all sort of holograms are lighting up inside that person’s head?

Experiential holograms are interpersonal patterns that are formed from experiences. The hologram organizes a multitude of experiences, including coping strategies, motivations, and reactions, and organizes them together to create a coherent belief system. This is called a higher-order postulate or a generalized conclusion about the way things are. A single belief is a lower order postulate. It is relatively easy to argue against a single belief because it is only weakly integrated into one's vast a complex network of experiences. But a higher-order postulate is deeply ingrained, so much so that people often don’t even know they are being influenced by their hologram. They simply believe it is their reality.

Like a fish swimming in water, there is no separation or context to see that one’s own reality is not necessarily how reality can be. When someone is in it, they can’t see outside of it.

I explain this by imagine living in a soap bubble. Everything in your bubble makes perfect sense to you from the perspective of being in your bubble. How people treat you is consistent with how you see yourself. However, once you can step outside of your bubble, only then can you see context and the factors that have been influencing you all along.

Only then can you see that how people treat you is a reflection of them, not you.

Action step: This week imagine everyone you see is wearing their own personal virtual reality goggles. Imagine understanding their reactions are in part based upon their past. And so are yours. In any given situation, are you responding to the present situation or to something from your past?