With workplace bullying an ever-present issue, it is increasingly important to educate both the bullies and the bullied on signs of emotional abuse and what to do about it. What may be perceived as "harmless jokes" can actually cause great harm leading to everything from mental and physical distress, post-traumatic stress disorder and absenteeism. The bottom line is this: When employees are disgruntled, productivity and profitability wain.
Let's call a sheep a sheep: If you are teasing someone and you know it is hurtful or consistently aggravating, you are abusing a victim, not goading a friend. When someone asks you to stop a behavior or action or is visibly distressed, it is time to stop. Abuse is abuse. Conversely, if someone at work is taking their actions too far, it is important to come up with strategies to protect yourself, limit your exposure to that toxic environment or get out. Abuse, by its very design, aims to keep victims powerless. When you take back your power, you can tip the scales and find success.
We live in a culture of both victimization and writing people off instead of real conflict resolution and confronting difficult conversations. If you have faced workplace bullying — from angry managers calling to demean or derail your work to teasing that goes too far and makes you feel two feet tall or even the "trickle-down" effect of passing on your leader's anger to those beneath you on the leadership totem — it is important to recognize two key pieces of information:
1. There are no "bad" people. In many cases, the bully or victimizer can be rehabilitated — and may even be dealing with a degree of bullying in their own position.
2. Workplace bullying is never OK. In accepting other people as human and fallible, it is in no way saying they should not be treated with respect at all times.
Allow me to elaborate.
1. There are no “bad" people.
There is a lot of talk about narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths in coaching materials and self-help books. I would go so far as to say that there are a lot more hidden alcoholics and simply mean people. I do not like the term "bully" -- I feel it neglects to acknowledge the humanity of the person behind such negative behaviors. It puts this person in the "bad guy" category instead of acknowledging that the tools being used by this person are ineffective. In many cases, behavior can be relearned, relationships foraged and repaired.
How many times have you heard, “She is a narcissist,” “He is a sociopath,” "They're bullies," “What a psychopath," “They’re a bunch of jerks”? A lot, right?
It is my truest belief that most, if not all, mean people would like to be kind, calm and relatable, but they have lost the capacity to care or the tools to get them there. When anger and aggravation have become the only tools you have to use, they can be hard to let go of. It is important to seek help if you find yourself in a situation where you are causing distress to another or others on your team.
If you are stuck in a cycle of making negative choices in the way you treat others, if you’ve isolated yourself or are struggling with remorse or shame, it is important to know that there are resources for you to get better if you truly, fiercely and unapologetically go for it. You are not a bad person, but you need to stop the bad behavior.
Start here: If you are “teasing” someone and it is visibly causing distress, they’ve asked you to stop and you continue or you consistently tease in the same way, this action is abusive and it is unacceptable. Pay attention to how you are making others feel and honor them. Stop yourself, apologize and change your trajectory.
2. Workplace bullying is never OK.
If someone in your office is tormenting you or making your life at work or home unbearable, you are not being over-sensitive to raise the issue. You are human, and actions like this add up. Over time, small amounts of repeated pain and distress become a festering, gaping wound causing reactivity and seemingly "over the top" reactions to small situations. It is important for leaders to realize that there may be deeper underlying causes for an employee who seems reactive or distressed.
If you find yourself tensing up around someone in the office and tiptoeing around them, or if you find yourself caught in a cycle of self-deprecation, you may be a victim of emotional abuse. This is not acceptable and not to be tolerated. The first thing you need to do is separate yourself from that person and try to put protections in place through personal boundaries or internal company procedures.
Start here: The most important thing for you to remember if someone in your life is “teasing” you in an abusive way that makes you recoil or react in a way unbecoming to you is that it is not your fault, and you can’t change anyone's actions but your own. This is not a movie, this is real life, and it is your job to protect you. Put up your boundaries and make a plan of action.
Gentle, playful teasing can be a way of showing affection or lightening the mood, but if it comes out of a place of spite or is persistent when the target of the teasing recoils or asks for it to stop — there are no bones about it. This is abusive behavior and should never be tolerated in the workplace. Protect your team, protect yourself and support the “bully” in finding healthier ways to communicate.
